User:Dr Albert Schwan

Dr Albert Schwan . . . is alive!

Danger! Danger!

Disclaimer: To clear up any potential confusion in the minds of the humorless halfwits that infest all parts of the interwebs, this is NOT the page of Albert Schwan, the Imperial Overlord of Dr Schwan's Research and Development. This is the page belonging to Dr Albert Schwan, one of the other Schwan's twelve sibling clones (which you may read about below).

Compare and contrast:

Dr Albert Schwan- This is me, Einstein.

Albert Schwan- This is the other guy, probably the one that you're looking for, especially if you are serving malpractice lawsuits.

The Story Behind the Legend

Early Life

Not so much born as created in a lab, a clone of, and made by the genius Doctor Herbert West. Dr Albert Schwan, like Howard the Duck before him, came into a world he did not make. Young Albert, and the other twelve clones, all of whom Dr West also named Albert, were reared by their Governess, Mary Blobbins, a lab assistant that West had built using the cadaver of a dead middle-aged stripper decapitated by the sunroof of a 1968 Camero Super Sport and the head of a Siamese cat. The Alberts wanted for nothing under Mary's tender care. Well fed on diet of gin flavored breast milk and a high protein supplement of mice, the Alberts grew rapidly. At the age of five, they were sent to the Eton Boarding School for Boys, not the famous Eton in England, but a cheaper Eaton in Xuahaca, Mexico. It was the best that Dr West could afford given that he had so many Alberts. After graduation, the Alberts went their separate ways. A few followed in the foot steps of their "father", becoming doctors, others took menial jobs, one became a serial killer and another became a noted American politician.

Career

After leaving Eton, young Albert, on strength of his grades and interest in science, was given a scholarship to attend medical school in Brazil by the Odessa Group. In return for their support, Albert had to spend five years working at Dr Josef's Free Jungle Clinic and Research Center. He started in the clinic treating the natives that lived in the surrounding jungle. Albert didn't mind it too much; the work consisting mainly of stabbing small children with needles full of vaccine. Later Albert was moved to the Special Section, where he was involved the a series of experiments to create super soldiers. The result of this program was not the creation of a super soldier, but rather soldiers filled with anger and self-loathing over their own repressed homosexuality and very poor spelling abilities. Odessa, disappointed with the results, gave these soldiers to Chilean dictator August Pinochet, who later re-gifted them to then British Prime Minister Margret Thatcher.

Despite the failure of the super soldier project, Albert was re-assigned to the organization's most important project. Dubbed Project Really Important Albert was to work with famed geneticist Gregory Peck to create perfect clones of Charlie Chaplin. As they neared completion, Mossad, the Israeli spy agency and notorious Harold Lloyd fans, attacked the laboratory, burning it, along with and several years work, to the ground. Albert escaped with only his life and a small brown paper bag containing five or six small bottles of White Out. Reflecting on his time with Odessa and the things he learned there still, years later, cause him to wake screaming in the night, soaked in his own piss and sweat.

In the 1970's Albert career hits its high water mark when he took a job as the infirmary doctor at a new age clinic owned by software company CEO and insanely great guy Jeeve Stobs . As the resident homeopath, all Albert had to do was prescribe tap water to his patients and occasionally invoke the healing power of nature. It was a job he did well. All good things must come to an end. In the mid 1980's, Stobs closed the clinic and in its place opened a McDonald's. Albert tried to make the transition, but couldn't get beyond making 2nd Assistant Shift Manager. Returning to Latin America, he (literally)carved out a niche doing cut-rate plastic surgery on American D List celebrities (Paula Jones, Melissa Rivers, Rush Limbaugh), porn actresses (Judy Juggs) and frightened, aging trophy ex-wives of D List celebrities (the woman with the fake tan, fake nail, and fake rack that I saw in the vet's office a month ago-- imagine Skeletor with Barbie's body).

Tired of all the malpractice law suits, which caused him to spend more time in Mexican courts than in his own filthy makeshift operating room, Albert gave up his practice and came to Malton to take a job at Necro Tech, who made him an offer based on his ability to kill his own patients, which was exactly what they needed.

The Apocalypse

How exactly did the zombie apocalypse in Malton start? There have been many theories. Albert believes that he may be responsible for the outbreak, as he went to a popular buffet restaurant after a long day of dissecting revived corpses. Albert often forgets to wash his hands and at the buffet, he was fingering the dinner rolls to find the softest one in the basket.

After the outbreak, Albert formed Dr Schwan's Revivification & Devivification, a groups that consists of himself, the voices in his head that only go away when he huffs White Out, a large talking Owl that follows him at night, and his collection of photos of portly women with the heads of famous scientists Photoshopped on to the bodies. If you need a botched boob job, Dr Albert Schwan is your man!