Self proclaimed head of operations at The Colglough Building Revivification Research Center. A middle height, middle weight, medium build, not very tan, middle-aged man of moderate appearance and average looks wearing a grey suit. Not very good at combat, Albert trusts in his tried and true methods for revivification using Necrotech needles filled with a unique secret formula that he developed while at university. He is an active inventor, a linguist, a community activist, and innovator in the field of rot science, and his own best customer. Born and raised in New Arkham, Albert attended Miskatonic University where he learned to revivify zombies before the original outbreak began. Out of college, he applied for employment with Necrotech where he worked closely with his childhood friend, Sigmund Amenhauser and his future wife, who now goes by the codename Solodogscout. After the outbreak, Albert spent several months hiding in his desk before finding a "safe-house" within the building. That safe-house was, in actuality, an experimental cryogenic chamber which, once some survivor refueled the generator, caused Albert to be frozen for roughly 5 years. As the building fell and was repaired, the integrity of the chamber became weakened leading to its eventual failure. As he awakened, Albert discovered an Arkham much changed from the one he had known. He decided to set off on his own, arriving in Whittenside where he battled and bled to re-secure the Colglough building from the undead hordes. On securing Colglough, Albert retrofit its sub-basement into an in house factory and started production on a product line entitled Dr. Schwan’s Essentials with products for dashing danger seekers, radiant ransackers, and scientists in the know. This flagship line even includes practical products for the walking dead. Building on the popularity of this initial launch, he has expanded his scope to include other areas of post-outbreak life and developed several new lines of products including Dr. Schwan's Culinary, The Doc's Novelties, a line of textile products called Les Produits du Textile de Médecin Schwan, Schwantech Industrial Products, and D.S. Medical suplies.These days, Albert is a member in good standing of The Damn Yankees, a researcher for NecroWatch, the founder of the D.S. R&D, and a member of The Big Prick. He still works to maintain the Whittenside Area, in particular his production facilities within The Colglough Building, though he has also set up production floors in The Needs Building in Wyke Hills and at an undisclosed location in New Arkham. As a public service to Whittenside and surrounding suburbs, Albert and his team built a list of local zombies with brainrot, for the purposes of advancing rot science, and a database of local survivors who repeatedly participate in illogical and criminally violent behavior. Though life in Malton has slowed down a fair bit, Albert remains on the lookout for new and better ways to improve the life and unlife of the citizens of Malton...THROUGH SCIENCE!
Trying to understand the locals
- flips over a chalk board to reveal the word “BARHAH” separated out into “BAR” and “HAH”. Adjusts his glasses and breaks out a telescoping pointer
- As we can see, the relatively complex zombie term BARHAH can be quite equally divided between the /ba:r/ phoneme and the /ha:/ phoneme. Owing to the typically compound/Germanic organization of the zombie language, it is probable that each phoneme has a distinct meaning. Let us then first interrogate “BAR”
- taps the pointer firmly on the first part of the word
- Typically, “BAR” refers to a literal bar or, by extension a stick, rod, or other rigid inanimate object. Sexual connotations being reserved for the word “BANANA”, the connotations of “BAR” include obstruction or the threat of violence: the latter being the more prevalent in common usage as in “to speak softly and carry a big stick” or an ad baculum logical fallacy (literally appeal to the stick). The most obvious meaning then is physical force/violence or the threat thereof.
- moves the pointer to second part of the word
- Now to “HAH”. This phoneme presents far less difficulty being used primarily as an expression of joy or delight. A delightful zombie recently proved this point upon breaking into the building with the delightful words “HAH HAH HAH! MAH ZAMBAH GANNA GRAB GAA MANBAGZ ANNAH ZMAZH!” While sometimes represented as “HAR” the meaning is still clear, the latter pronunciation being caused perhaps by a deficiency or degeneration of the glottis or lungs causing aspiration where none was intended.
- lowers the pointer and looks out over the rims of his glasses
- Now this definition, while convenient and in keeping with standard usage, fails to take into consideration the possibility of the word being a corrupted form of a standard or obscure English word as is the case with much zombie vocabulary. This does not however cause us to abandon the definition as the most probable candidate is Biazohedonia: a compound formed of the Greek words Biazo (to use force, to apply force, to force, or to inflict violence on) and hedonia (to derive pleasure from).
- resetting his glasses, underlining the word on the board twice with chalk, and pointing to it once more with the telescoping pointer
- I therefore present “BARHAH” a noun referring objectively to the pleasure derived from physical violence or the threat thereof considered as a concept independent of the zombie that experiences it. Alternately, the shared trait possessed by zombies who pursue said pleasure.
- lowers the pointer once more with a smug look on his face
- (The sounds of splintering wood and shattering glassware can be heard from below accompanied by repeated cries of “BARHAH!”. Three zombies drag Dr. Schwan out of the room while a fourth smears the chalk board with gore, obscuring the words. A bent telescoping pointer stick clatters to the ground as screaming continues outside)
Necrotech Necrowatch Standing
- Albert Schwan has reported the highest number of NT scans for Necrowatch
*1*, *2*, *3*, *4*
Alberts current projects: