RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0807left

Ridleybank Special Olympics Commence

By Murray Jay Suskind

In fields across Malton, a grand new tradition has begun: The Ridleybank Special Olympics. RRF zombies have gathered to compete in a variety of events throughout the month of January in an inspiring display of zombie will, skill and determination.

For instance, there is the story of Red Guard Roddy A, who grew up in a small Chinese village without running water and didn't have his brains eaten until the age of 24. Despite such adversity, he now holds a gold brain for possessing the fastest feeding drag in the RRF.

Other winners include Braggledorth of Auxunit 10 for the most vicious ransack and Morificant of the GMT Breakfast Club for the 100 yard lurch and the title of fastest zombie in Malton.

However, the crown jewel of the Special Olympics has to be the group competition to see which Group or Strike Team can score the most kills and ransacks. The trash talk has already commenced.

"We're quite good at killing people," explains hairyjim of the GMT Breakfast Club. "It's what we're best at, and it's a mere formality before we're crowned the champions."

Faster. Higher. Stronger... French?

This view is disputed by the leader of almost every other group. "Group 0 levels entire suburbs at a time. The only thing that could stop us from winning this is getting our zombahz to actually post their kills on the forums," said Group 0 leader deathbymoshpit.

Goolina couldn't help but voice support for her death cultists in the Gore Corps. "Our members kill at rates equal to the harmanz, because we're frequently harmanz ourselves. Other groups may have the hype, but we all know who will pull out the victory."

According to Red Guards leader Murray Jay Suskind, "Re-education of the harmanz is the ultimate goal of the Red Guards. Fortunately the beneficient re-education process will gain us ever more glory in these events. All of the harmanz in Malton shall tremble before our Little Books of Barhah and our gold brainz."

Also not to be discounted are the Packers, guided by Papa Patrucio himself, the new Ridleybank Cub Scouts, the ransack machines of Auxunit 10 as well as the veterans of a certain strike team that may not actually exist.

One thing is for certain, though; a lot of Barhah will be brought to Malton in pursuit of the gold brainz.

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Better Know an Enemy: Vito the Don

By Murray Jay Suskind

I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse: Who's a harman enemy that's legendary for both his worthiness in battle and his excellent canollis (if they were only filled with brainz...)? Well, it's none other than part three in our ongoing series, "Better Know an Enemy."

Vito the Don: The Fightin' Don! A longtime stalwart of the Corleones, the Channel 4 News Team and former leader of the Malton Rangers, Vito is now running his own C4NT strike team, the UCCS. We recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Don outside of Fort Perryn. Here's what he had to say.

MH&S: You recently started a new strike team under the C4NT banner. What are the goals of the team?

Vito: Well the unofficail goal of the UCCS is to try to retake one of the forts, most likely Perryn when we get enough members, I also recently was accepted as to be part of the Gingerbread Men, as i am told some of you zeds still cringe in fear of the name, get ready for a lot more cringing commin at ya soon.

MH&S: Huh, I always thought that fear was for the living. Anyway, there's very clearly some animosity between you and Dickhole Guy. He's also very... uh... "appreciated" over at the RRF boards. This being an RRF publication, do you have anything you wish to say to DHG?

Vito consults a Consiglierie while being interviewed by Murray.

Vito: Dickhole, you took my group, you slanderd me and you tried to deny events that happen before you joined the NMC. Some words of advice: No one can change the past and as much as you might want to you do not control your future. Though you toppled me, as all tyrants you have made an enemy in the people you control.

MH&S: I know I wouldn't want to be on the bad side of a Don. So you've been playing UD for a while. What would you say was your shining hour?

Vito: Ahh, the battle of the bearpit, or the Barville invasion. The Corleone's and the C4NT came into the battle knowing we had lost and somehow block by block, we retook Ackland and the surrounding territory. Barville was my idea to begin with so the precursor to Ridleybank was a great operation for tactical growth and resources.

MH&S: The harmanz have been having a hard time facing down Shacknews and a resurgent RRF. What do you think is the key for harmanity to counter this zombie upswing?

Vito: The key for humanity is definaltly to concentrate our rescources on one front. Spread out we are like picies of string, but together we are that of unbreqakable rope that binds us like a gripping vice. If Harmanity -- excuse me, Humanity is ever to rise against shacknews we need to work and fight as one. [Note: The interview was conducted before the announced retirement of the Shacknews horde.]

MH&S: Final question; the RRF: Great UD group or greatest UD group?

Vito: Ah the old Colbert poser. I would say the 2nd greatest UD group they are skilled corrdinated and oh so classy but there is one group better. Ron Burgandy and the Channel 4 News Team. I've been with Ron since before the bearpit and you know what, there is no other group i would have at my side then the C4NT.