RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0807left
By Murray Jay Suskind
In fields across Malton, a grand new tradition has begun: The Ridleybank Special Olympics. RRF zombies have gathered to compete in a variety of events throughout the month of January in an inspiring display of zombie will, skill and determination.
For instance, there is the story of Red Guard Roddy A, who grew up in a small Chinese village without running water and didn't have his brains eaten until the age of 24. Despite such adversity, he now holds a gold brain for possessing the fastest feeding drag in the RRF.
Other winners include Braggledorth of Auxunit 10 for the most vicious ransack and Morificant of the GMT Breakfast Club for the 100 yard lurch and the title of fastest zombie in Malton.
However, the crown jewel of the Special Olympics has to be the group competition to see which Group or Strike Team can score the most kills and ransacks. The trash talk has already commenced.
"We're quite good at killing people," explains hairyjim of the GMT Breakfast Club. "It's what we're best at, and it's a mere formality before we're crowned the champions."
Faster. Higher. Stronger... French?
This view is disputed by the leader of almost every other group. "Group 0 levels entire suburbs at a time. The only thing that could stop us from winning this is getting our zombahz to actually post their kills on the forums," said Group 0 leader deathbymoshpit.
Goolina couldn't help but voice support for her death cultists in the Gore Corps. "Our members kill at rates equal to the harmanz, because we're frequently harmanz ourselves. Other groups may have the hype, but we all know who will pull out the victory."
According to Red Guards leader Murray Jay Suskind, "Re-education of the harmanz is the ultimate goal of the Red Guards. Fortunately the beneficient re-education process will gain us ever more glory in these events. All of the harmanz in Malton shall tremble before our Little Books of Barhah and our gold brainz."
Also not to be discounted are the Packers, guided by Papa Patrucio himself, the new Ridleybank Cub Scouts, the ransack machines of Auxunit 10 as well as the veterans of a certain strike team that may not actually exist.
One thing is for certain, though; a lot of Barhah will be brought to Malton in pursuit of the gold brainz.
