The Profile Police
Overview
We are an honorable group who only PK stupid or ignorant people. Our goal is simple - to raise literacy levels across Malton. Typographical mistakes, grammatical errors, or bad spelling, it makes no difference to us. The punishment is always the same, and the punishment is death.
We believe that a zombie uprising is no excuse for poor grammar. In fact, now more than ever, literacy and education are absolutely paramount. It's what separates us from the undead.
Currently we've decided that Lockettside and its surrounding 'burbs need our help the most.
As more residents of Lockettside become educated, it's understandable that there will be those people who are resistant to education. KOS the PP (Kill On Sight the Profile Police) have emerged as a primary group dedicated to raising awareness of the Profile Police and their goal of literacy. Thank you, KOS the PP, for enhancing the Profile Police and elevating literacy in Lockettside.
We'd like to thank Hacksaw James for pointing out a punctuation error on our page. It never hurts to have another set of eyes going over your work. We hope Hacksaw's profile is in good shape when we see him later.
Founding Members
The three founding members of The Profile Police were:
Sgt JAW (http://wiki.urbandead.com/images/e/eb/Sgt_JAW3.jpg)
The Trot Man
Sgt Fleshmonger
How Can You Help?
Join The PP!
If your profile is grammatically perfect, you have already passed the first step to joining the PP!
Education, Education, Education
Target buildings with a high survivor population, such as malls or police stations. This way you'll be more likely to find a suitable student, and more people will witness you educating said student, thus raising our profile. If your chosen building has more than one possible student for you to educate, do so in the following order:
1 Bad spelling.
2 Bad grammar.
3 Typographical errors.
4 Non-descripts.
If your student's misdemeanor is a very slight typographical mistake (a missed comma or full stop, for example), a few punches to the face should be sufficient. For minor offenses, a warning and a shotgun blast to the knee caps should suffice. For all other crimes against grammar, the punishment is death. A single spelling mistake? Death. 'Your' instead of 'You're'? Death. Before firing the final bullet into their soon-to-be undead corpse, remember to let them know who is killing them and why. Unless they know their crime, how will they learn? Don't forget to dump their body outside the building; stupid and undead is a dangerous combination!
Non-descripts should be educated only as a last resort (if there is no one else to tutor in the building, for example), unless they have irresistibly low HP. If faced with multiple non-descripts to pick from, chose the highest-levelled character. There is no excuse for level 41 non-descripts.
Marketing
Try and raise awareness of The Profile Police in any way that you can. Some examples are listed below:
1 Spray paint PP warnings and statements. We have noticed derogatory anti-PP messages sprayed around Lockettside. Under the idiom that no publicity is bad publicity, we tend to leave these messages. It all helps raise awareness of the PP.
2 Radio broadcasts. Broadcasting PP warnings, thoughts and advice is extremely helpful to the good people of Malton. Sending such messages from buildings with high survivor populations is recommended.
3 Compliment decent profiles. Encourage these people to join the PP!
Known Literacy Criminals
To be removed from this list, amend the offending profile, and send an in-game apologetic text message to a member of PP staff.
1. Mike Smith - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=34717
2. JourneymanX - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=681403
3. KatieCries - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=304822
4. elace gambino - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=695717
5. FireBlaze - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=656769
6. mikehendo - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=736306 (I'd like to nominate mikehendo for graduation. His profile is improved and literacy demonstrated. In keeping with "No Survivor Left Behind", Mike has passed his basic skills test and thus appears ready for graduation.) --8 Bucks 22:20, 9 July 2007 (BST)
7. Blk Gryphon - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=659229
8. Sly V - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=758817
9. thelostsouls - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=719900
10. Deadeye Deacon - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=802425
11. Rob25387 - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=769246
12. totalhypocrite - http://urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=490443
A Little Bit About Our Educators
The Sard Killer
The Sard Killer is not actually against the 'Sards of Frossards PD. Matthew Smithson changed his name by deed poll to The Sard Killer after being repeatedly PKed by a character called The Sard Leader. Matthew's only goal was to hunt and kill all the 'Sards in revenge. When he finally tracked them down, he discovered that The Sard Leader wasn't actually a member of the 'Sards, but one of the many fake 'Sards, and a sworn enemy of the real 'Sards. After exacting revenge upon The Sard Leader, Matthew wandered Malton, rudderless, until The Trot Man brought purpose back into his life via The Profile Police. The Sard Killer is one of the PP's highest ranking educators. He is stuck with the name and means no harm to the 'Sards of Frossards... so long as their profiles are in order.
Mighty Axewound
Desmond was a brutish and not particularly likable firefighter before the outbreak. When Malton was taken over by the undead and anarchy came to the streets he took revenge for the practical jokes he suffered in the belief that consequence equals effect.
It was this same belief that led him to the welcoming arms of the PP.
Romero Trot
Contrary to popular belief, Romero is not an alt of The Trot Man. Before the outbreak, Romero was a cross-dressing fireman. His penchant for karaoke whilst dressed like a filthy whore will be his downfall.
Romero Trot's skills include: Kung Fu, break dancing, computer hacking and jumping.
His favorite animal is the Puma.
Barf Chunk is an alt of 8 Bucks. Barf Chunk is at heart a scientist. Being a scientist he's concerned with attaining consistent results. He started out as a member of Those Dudes, but broke the rules with his recent Carnival of Chaos. Armed with righteous indignation, a concern for literacy, and shotguns, he made an appearance at St. Alexanders Hospital in Lockettside and did some remorseless educating. Those Dudes and Barf Chunk parted ways at that time.
Barf Chunk enjoys reading poetry books, newspapers, and referring to himself in the Third Person.
Barf Chunk picks his nose with a vengeance.
History
ALL NEW HISTORY AND NEWS TO BE ADDED TO THE BOTTOM
April
April 23 Another successful educational attack of Thompsons Mall today. Another is planned for 1.30pm tomorrow. Any survivors wanting tutoring, should head to the mall for about 1.15pm GMT.
- Just a note: It's "Tompson Mall"! If you wish to be a pedant, be thorough in your endeavors.--8 Bucks 23:02, 24 April 2007 (BST)
- A fair point, 8 Bucks. Romero Trot, the author of this spelling mistake, will be publicly flogged on April 28th. Anyone wishing to watch or chuck fruit should make their way to Pimm Walk Fire Station at 3pm GMT. --The Trot Man
April 25 The third successful lecture in Tompson Mall in as many days.
April 26 How dare you invade our mall and kill my friends? Do you think you will go unpunished for your actions? You are sadly mistaken. I will be hunting you down as you hunted my Valkyries. I have added you all to my contacts, and if I even SEE you near the mall or my hospital, I'll make you sorry you ever invaded our sacred Lockettside! Remember Death 4 Life, Sgt. Jaw? He happens to be one of my best men. And I will deal with you personally.--Izumi Orimoto
- Orimoto, we are all simply terrified and will move on from Lockettside immediately. --The Trot Man
April 28 Greetings from Recon Squid. So, where were you gentlemen? You did say you’d grace Pimm Walk Fire Station at three p.m. GMT today, correct? 8 Bucks and I were there waiting to witness what I thought we’d all agreed was the only fitting punishment for spelling errors. Though of course, it should be noted that above you mention “Death” as the proper consequence for misspelling. We find it interesting that for members of the Profile Police you merely prescribe a lashing. Standards man! If the rules hold for one, they must hold for ALL! This is a time of chaos, out of which we must cooperate to restore order. We look forward to learning the time and location where you plan to rectify your failure to make good on your word. Here is my profile in the event you wish to communicate with me directly. http://www.urbandead.com/profile.cgi?id=825289 Cheers, and watch those errors on the Wiki!
- At 3.45pm GMT today, Romero Trot was violently flogged in the Pimm Walk Fire Station. Let's not quibble over exact timings. The Trot Man said to 'make you way to the Pimm Walk Fire Station at 3pm GMT'. The flogging was to take place a little later. Why didn't you wait in Pimm Walk? It was empty at 3.30pm. Surely you would have taken a man there and left him if you wanted to witness the punishment?
Also, in this time of great crisis, we have had to take a very Orwellian attitude towards Power, hence the seemingly unfair leniency of Romero's punishment. Those in Power must have this Power in order to maintain order. But, we understand that we should practice what we preach and so, as a show of faith, we have told Romero to remain there overnight, so feel free to dish out your own punishment. I have just tried to text you, Recon Squid, but you don't seem to have a mobile. Be warned that we don't take kindly to this kind of back chat. --The Sard Killer
- I'm in Pimm Walk Fire Station waiting for you big boy. I'm still hard from the flogging. Filthy! --Romero Trot
- As I said just prior to your execution, Sard Killer – your profile incorrectly employs a lowercase ‘i’ where it should be a capital “I” for the first person pronoun. For this reason, it was for YOU that 8 bucks and I waited today at three PM. The penalty for unmitigated hypocrisy is DEATH!
We consider this matter closed. If you do not, well it should be fun at any rate. Take care gentlemen, and please continue to entertain. - Recon Squid
April 30 Following the success of last week's series of lectures, The Profile Police are pleased to announce a few additional dates. The next will be on Thursday 3rd May, around 1.30pm GMT. All stupid or ignorant survivors are advised to make their way to Tompson Mall. --The Trot Man
Re: Oh believe me, I'll be there. I can't wait. --Izumi Orimoto
- Good stuff! By the way, which one are you Orimoto, stupid or ignorant? --The Trot Man
- Hm. You disgusting swine, you are nothing more than a coward. You come and kill us for your shits and giggles and then run and hide. You're griefers, plain and simple. You ruin the game for others because it brings you pleasure. If you "police" were real men, you would at least attack a place that wasn't already under zombie siege. It just makes it easier for you to be assholes, like kicking an injured lion. You dare pose that question to me? Am I stupid or ignorant? As far as I am concerned, you are beyond redemption. You are beyond reasoning. Your place is on the ground, attacking us as you should be. Dead. --Izumi Orimoto
- Sorry Orimoto - no offense intended. It's just that you said you were coming to our lecture, so I was merely inquiring how we could best help you.
We have been educating Lockettside for a while now, regardless of the undead situation. The Mall being under siege is no excuse for us all to get lax with our grammar, now is it! To avoid our punishment, simply amend any offending profiles! Simple really, Izumi. --The Trot Man
- Swine! Swine! I'm a disgusting swine I am! --Romero Trot
- Ha. Who are you to pass judgment on anyone, hm? So you think you are so vastly superior to us, that you can dare grade us? I think not. You don't really care about grammar, you just use it as an excuse to grief us. I take personal offense when anyone harms my comrades. So I wouldn't show my face in Lockettside so long as I am there. And by the way, nice job spelling "inquiring", Trot Man. --Izumi Orimoto
-- I didn't actually originally misspell it, Izumi. We have a constant battle with vandals with no understanding of Wiki etiquette. And it's The Trot Man to you.
Looking forward to tutoring you. If you want, we could pop by your hospital? Also, I think you have anger issues. We can help with that too - just say the word. --The Trot Man
-- Sure :]
Go ahead, drop on by! It will be ever so much fun! You guys are so famous around here now, we all can't wait for you to visit! ----Izumi Orimoto
May
May 3rd Today saw an extremely successful educational attack on three of the four corners of the Mall. Despite unprecedented publicity for this assault, it went without too many hitches. Our fears of being confronted by a barrier of illiterate protest went unfounded, and the day proved a victory for grammar.
Although the battle has been won, the war continues. And in war, there are always casualties. I am saddened to report that today one of our key educators was lost mid-lecture. Mighty Axewound was cut down by Harvey Goolap. RIP the Mighty Axe. The Sard Killer
-- No more lectures in Tompson Mall are planned for the near future. The next PP event for the diary will be the Non-descript Day Of Learning. To raise awareness of the importance of a profile, on this day PP staff will only be educating non-descripts. Dates to follow. The Trot Man
A great day for grammar, a great day for the PP. I feel much headway was achieved today in regard to Public Relations with the good people of Malton and specifically the inhabitants of Tompson Mall. The undertones were positive, that can be the only explanation for a majority literate turn-out on such a publicized event.
We will succeed if we all fight for what is correct.
As an aside, it should be pointed out that Mighty Axewound did show up for work today, knowing well in advance that it was an important day, with a hangover. It only goes to show that socializing and work do not always make for such easy bedfellows. I am sure he will be back on form after a little lie-down. Sgt JAW
-I did not know that. Planned PP educational attacks are extremely important to the good people of Malton. For this particular one he had over a week's notice, and turning up for work with a hangover is absolutely unacceptable. Axewound should consider this his first official warning. The Trot Man
-Yes, congratulations on sneaking into the mall when everyone had their backs turned, cowards. There can be no victory for the dishonored.
No one here gives a shit about you, or your stupid opinions on how we should write our profiles. And also, great job on using alts to attack us. Dicks. --Izumi Orimoto
I believe we were bang on time. You sound very annoyed Orimoto. Sgt JAW
- Using Alts? Sneaking? No alts were used, Izumi. And this lecture had been advertised for well over a week. Sometimes I think that the people of Malton would rather we didn't educate them at all! Give me strength. The Trot Man
- I think Orimoto needs some anger management. GRRRR! Romero Trot
- Orimoto, if you aren't going to add anything constructive, please keep your rants to our discussion page. The Sard Killer
- As a casual observer laughing for a week at this stuff, I'd say it's Orimoto: 0, Profile Police: 4 - but I've heard Izumi is a second half player, so we spectators wait with baited breath. In the immortal words of Sgt. Hulka from the classic movie Stripes: "Lighten up, Francis." --Squid Boy 21:20, 3 May 2007 (BST)
-As another casual observer, may I say this small chunk of Malton drama has entertained me to no end. Hailing from a hellish place in which twelve year olds and illiteracy run rampant, I actually rather like seeing it forced down a few people's throats. Stay strong, PP. --StapleDog
- I'm so glad that at least some people appreciate the valuable service we are providing to the citizens of Malton! Thanks for your encouraging words, Squid Boy and StapleDog.--Romero Trot 18:38, 5 May 2007 (BST)
May 5th I thought you weren't coming back to Thompson? But you did. And you killed one of my group. Again. The Lockettside Valkyries hereby declare war against the Profile Police. That is all. --Izumi Orimoto
May 6th The management of the PP can not be responsible for maverick PP operatives. I am personally unaware of further attacks on the mall. In fact many of our key members are not currently in Malton, but managed to get through the military blockade and are on holiday in Magaluf this bank holiday week for some much needed R&R.
One member who was banned from this team-building trip to Majorca, was Mighty Axewound. He wasn't allowed on this particular excursion due to recent alcohol related incidents. He is currently under a strict curfew. If anybody sees him in any of Malton's bars, clubs or pubs please inform a member of PP staff. --The Trot Man 18:07, 6 May 2007 (BST)
Important News Update
It has become necessary for us to kindly direct civilians to add their comments to our discussion page, rather than our group page. Thank you.
May 9th Attention! The Profile Police are pleased to announce that the much-awaited Non-Descript Day Of Learning will be on Wednesday 16th May. Exact times and places to follow. Citizens without profiles are advised to write them. It is better that you write one, however woeful it might be. If it is blank, you’ll not learn anything when we educate you.
It has come to our attention that many groups within the so-called Legions Of Illiteracy have declared war upon the PP. We are mildly concerned about the detrimental impact this might have to our educational goals for Malton, and so, as a show of faith, and also so these groups can see the valuable service we provide to the good people of Malton first-hand, we are happy to announce a series of Study Evenings in many of their respective headquarters. Since she clearly needs it the most, and since she invited us first, we will begin at Orimoto’s valkyries' Hospital. Again, dates and times to follow.
The PP kindly advises Legions Of Illiteracy group leaders to steer any intellectually-challenged group members to their headquarters on the appropriate Study Evening. We understand that this will, no doubt, be the majority of their group. These Study Evenings will be handed out on a first come, first served basis. Please advise in writing on our discussion page if you feel your group would benefit the most.
Survivors should treat the rest of this week as ‘Half Term’, since most of the PP are away until the coming weekend.
As you were. --The Trot Man 10:45, 9 May 2007 (BST)
May 15th A small note to anyone who was in Tompson Mall on Sunday. As you may have noticed we are having some small problems with Mighty Axewound. There is no cause for alarm, good people of Lockettside! It seems that while I was away "ahem" educating in Magaluf, Wound has taken it upon himself to slip into some of his bad habits. This occasionally happens when he is not thoroughly supervised. The pressure gets to him. No doubt he will be back on full (and sober) alert in time for tomorrow's lesson.
However, if there are any reported sightings of Wound (especially near any licensed premises still with a stock of alcohol) please could they remind him to report in and report the sighting on the discussions page. Till tomorrow folks.
That is all. Sgt JAW
- Tomorrow's Non-Descript Day Of Learning is an all-day event across the whole of Lockettside. Students are advised to gather in highly populated buildings. --The Trot Man 17:12, 15 May 2007 (BST)
May 24th The Profile Police are delighted to report that the overall standard of profile in Lockettside has noticeably improved as a direct result of the last month's grammatical campaign. Because of this, and to give the citizens of Lockettside a study break, we are pleased to announce a PP Field Trip to Marven Mall in South Blythville, on Tuesday 29th May, at 1.30pm GMT. The management kindly asks all able PP officers to attend. In the meantime, maintaining sprayed promulgations in the four corners of the Mall will be extremely beneficial to the sometimes forgetful people of South Blythville. --The Trot Man 13:14, 24 May 2007 (BST)
May 29th Today saw successful lectures in two of the four corners of Marven Mall. The day did not go without incident, however. The joy of eliminating grammar-hater DariusAPB on the way to the Mall (for the crime of obstructing a PP Officer) was short-lived. Romero Trot was struck down mid-lecture by Deathdxb. Who then ran away like a girl.
Some screenshots of today's lessons to follow.
--The trot man 14:24, 29 May 2007 (BST)
June 5th Jealousy is rife in Lockettside. A week of PP support for the good citizens of Marven Mall in South Blythville has left many inhabitants of Tompson Mall feeling somewhat neglected. Fear not! The PP are back in Lockettside!
Other news:
• Images removed. A linked section of screenshots of PP lectures to follow.
• An updated section on PP criminals to follow.
• Another PP Field Trip is being planned. Information to follow.
• Any groups within the Legion Of Illiterates who feel they would benefit from a personal PP Study Evening are reminded to leave a message on our discussion page or text a member of PP staff.
--The Trot Man 12:28, 5 June 2007 (BST)
July 9th
Pop quiz time at St. Alexanders in Lockettside.
I'll be back soon enough for more educational visits. - Barf Chunk
- Where are the rest of the Profile Police?--Squid Boy 22:00, 9 July 2007 (BST)
Farewell. For now.
Citizens of Malton! Due to the moderate success of our grammatical campaign, the commencement of summer, and downright boredom with Malton, I regret to inform you that, as many of you suspected, the Profile Police are no more. Whilst we urge you to take on board the lessons from our violent teachings, we will not be around to monitor the progress and continue to tutor you.
We may well be back, perhaps in a few months, maybe after Kevan has introduced some new features, possibly as The PP, but maybe with a new agenda. In the meantime, do not underestimate the importance of a profile. Your ability to string a couple of sentences together accurately is one of the distinguishing features between yourselves and the undead.
Spell check, good citizens of Malton!
It's been emotional. --The trot man 09:53, 11 July 2007 (BST)
Who knew Barf Chunk's Pop quiz was the finale? Ahh well, at least I gave Izumi and her pals one more shot at an education. --8 Bucks 23:22, 11 July 2007 (BST)
