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Veal Brainz: Cruel Practice or Nice Meal?
Known for being a flavorful and tender delicacy, Veal Brainz have been part of the zombie diet in Malton since the beginning of the outbreak. However, a new movement lead by “Harmane Treatment for Harmanz” is decrying the practice of raising and eating the popular dish.
Harm for Harmanz spokesperson Mrh? Gangbang! asserted, “These sadistic harman ranchers immobilize their own babies inside of Malls, force feeding them Sbarro Pizza, Panda Express and Orange Julius until they’re ready to burst. A diet of fully grown, free range harmanz is available all over Malton, so why do we continue to eat their young?”
The controversial foodstuff.
RRF member and chili afficionado Braggledorth begs to differ. “Veal brainz are the perfect compliment to the four different peppers that I use in my chili. We are zombies following our nature, which is to eat brainz. Whether those brainz come from babies or adults, free-range or cage/mall-fed, they nourish the decaying corpse.”
With the recent restoration of the harman population to Caiger Mall, veal brainz production has skyrocketed. A visit to Caiger revealed harmanz packed so tightly into the building that they are unable to lay down. Muscles – with the exception of trigger and needle fingers – are completely atrophied from lack of use. Bones are misshapen from lack of sunlight. Waste is cleaned by hosing down the floors of the mall once a week.
These practices begin from harman birth when most harman babies are contained in the mall food court and begin feeding on nothing but powdered milk and low grade cheese used by food court eateries.
“Sure, zombies love to eat brainz, but don’t want to see how they’re made,” says Bale Mall head rancher Jack McPherson. “I’m not claiming that this a clean business. But at the same time, most all these babies want to do is eat.”
It is at infancy that many zombies insist that the flavor and texture of the brains reach their greatest potential. The product isn’t corrupted by the excessive and bitter synapses that exist in adolescent brainz or the tough, rubbery texture of adult brainz.
“We need to understand the cost of our habits,” Gangbang! explains. “I’m not saying that we need to stop eating brainz altogether, but there are so many free-range harmanz that run between buildings and actually have higher quality and higher yield brainz. I just don’t see why we can’t satisfy our brainlust with those.”
However, Braggledorth has a rebuttal: “Free range brainz are excellent after they’re rubbed, smoked and covered with barbeque sauce before serving. However, we zombies need a little variety. Whether it be chili con brainz, harmanbargars, or some nice medulla oblongatas on the half skull we need to have a little spice in our diet.”
Perhaps McPherson put it best when he said, “as long as there are zeds smashing at the cades, I’ll have some harman calves waiting for them. Better them than me.”
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Better Know A Papa: Sonny
By Murray Jay Suskind
Papa Sonny
What happens when you up the cheesy 80's comedy My Two Dads? Well, you get the RRF with a whopping three Papas. The Malton Herald & Sun is very aware of the horde's glorious past, and in the interests of educating some of our younger members, we wish to bring you a bit of our glorious history. Hence, Better Know a Papa. And who is the first subject in this feature?
Well, it's Papa Sonny, of course. The Fightin' Sonny! Originally a harman, Sonny worked his way through the ranks of the RRF to succeed the legendary Papa Petro. Under his firey brand of leadership, Papa Sonny led the RRF through the original excursion, oversaw the original zombie renaissance and made a lot of enemies. :)
We recently had a chance to sit down with Papa Sonny, here's what he had to say.
MH&S: Your time as Papa immediately preceeded my personal experience with the RRF. What would you say were the high and low points of your time as Papa?
Sonny: High Points would be the IRC chats and the fun little raids we had with Big Bash. Low Points were Morrish bots, losing the horde, and just the overall hate from harmanz.
MH&S: Do you feel that you were given a difficult task in succeeding Petro? Did things ever become an issue just because you thought differently on certain matters than Petro?
Sonny: I actually did everything Petro wanted me to do. He gave me instructions and I followed them. People criticized that I did things Petro wouldn't but I did exactly what he wanted. I guess people just didn't like what I did because it wasn't Petro doing it directly.
MH&S: You're currently "raising money" to buy the Sealand island off the coast of England. I couldn't help but notice from the pictures that it seems to be an island that is easily defensible from a zombie attack. Will you build a nice ramp for the climbing impaired to gain access?
Sonny: Actually that idea was scrapped after my friends all said it was more fun to pretend taking it over than actually doing it. I'm now trying to catch PhonePoleDeer.
MH&S: You seem to have somewhat of a mixed reputation in the game depending on who is asked. There are many players who are fiercely loyal to you and enemies who are very much respectful to you, but there are also some players (most all of whom frequent other forums) who seem to not like you at all. What do you think this polarization is a function of?
Sonny: Well people who like me like me because I'm also fiercely loyal, one thing Petro took into account when he allowed me into the horde. Those that respect me on other sides do it because I show respect when it is deserved. Those that hate me are just angsty teenage boys that don't like people disagreeing with them. I guess it also has to do with me joining the zombies.
MH&S: You've recently taken a break from UD and (if I remember correctly) NW, even though you're still somewhat active in the community of forums. Will the old games ever lure you back, or are you just chatting with friends and answering the occasional interview?
Sonny: I'd come back to UD if it was heavily updated. I do log on once a night for Mall Tour because Xyu is such a cool guy. I'd never come back to NW because it is too fast paced, too time consuming, and just too hard to grasp when you're gone for a few days.
MH&S: Final question... Papa Sonny: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?
Sonny: Not even close. Rating me from the three total Papas I'd score 5th place.
MH&S: I'll just mark you down as saying "great" because you don't think you're the greatest.
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