RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text051506

Editor: Needs images

Evidence of Ancient Zombie Civilization Discovered in Ridleybank

RRF Zombie Discovers Evidence of Ancient Zombie and Harman Civilizations

So called "George Romero Videotapes" Suggest Amazing Feats are Possible

Validity of tapes still being debated by RRF Scientists

RIDLEYBANK - A Ridleybank feral made a stunning discovery Wednesday, digging up tape evidence suggesting that Malton was once ruled by ancient groups of zombies possessing previously unheard of abilities.

"This is an amazing discovery that gives hope to the future of zombies everywhere in Malton," admitted Lead RRF scientist Gragh McGragh , after watching Day of the Dead. "These tapes present a picture of zombie and harman interaction that I never thought was possible. To think, that zombies actually possessed the ability, and the knowledge, to shoot....yes I think that is the right word...shoot with firearms and listen to music. I find it absolutely mindblowing. Imagine how quickly we could drive out the harmans invaders with these so called "guns"."

Caption: The incredible discovery shows that Ancient Zombies possessed the power to use guns and listen to music.

McGragh then turned to his attention to the shotgun in front of him, taken from a slain Vawer Walk Police Chief, and proceeded to fumble around with a shell, unable to grasp the basic concept of loading the gun.

"Close your eyes and imagine a world in which entire cities are controlled by the living dead and harmans float from island to island in boats, terrified to land," continued McGragh,now fumbling with a six shooter. "Imagine a world in which a zombie could kill a survivor with one bite instead of the forty bites that it took me to kill that old lady. What does this ancient race of Romero Zombies have that I don't?"

McGragh then threw down the six shooter in frustration, totally not getting the concept of safeties.

RRF officials went on to describe some of the technologies and abilities contained in the three tapes, labeled Night of the Living Dead,Dawn of the Dead (2004), and Day of the Dead: "Its pretty amazing. These tapes suggest that little zombie children were at one point able to kill a full grown survivor in seconds and that, get this, infectious bite was actually incurable. We have yet to reproduce the results seen in the tapes, but we remain hopeful."

However, some zombie scientists remain skeptical about the validity of the tapes, firmly believing that the collection is nothing more than a "harman hoax."

"I was excited too when I first heard about the discovery," said Tina Gruesome. " But after reviewing the evidence for myself, its pretty clear that this is a hoax. The tapes suggest a level of harman cooperation and technology that are generations beyond current levels. Harmans using sniper rifles, a small group of harmans holding out for weeks in a Mall against a multi-thousand strong horde, harmans using moving vehicles--this is clearly fiction and not reality. I doubt our ancestors and more importantly, theirs, possessed this level of technology and intelligence."

Caption: Incredibly, the film suggests that small groups of survivors could actually survive inside a Mall and do the unthinkable: overcome their differences and work together for their survival.

"Frankly, I find the idea that a small team of harmans can overcome inner tormoil and actually work together to defeat the plans of such an obviously advanced race of zombies to be insulting," continued Gruesome."The malls of Nichols, Tynte, and Stickling have taught me that these so called "super zombies" in these controversial "Romero Tapes" should have killed those survivors in one night."

Gruesome then went on to describe other skills, that in her mind, demonstrate that the tape is a forgery:"Here we have a scene in which harmans use fire and gas to burn zombies. Who has ever heard of such mythical items or such nonsense? Here we have a scene in which the harmans actually escape from the city. Who has ever heard of someone actually leaving Malton?"

Despite such criticisms, supporters of the tapes stand by their theories, and suggest that future excavations would unearth more evidence of glorious and powerful zombie and harman groups.

"We are still puzzled over the disappearance of these great civilizations. Perhaps the zombies left Malton after driving off the survivors," said McGragh." Perhaps this George Romero was some ancient wrathful god who became displeased with his followers. Who can be sure? While we may never know what happened here, I think its clear that more exploration is necessary if we hope to uncover the secrets of Malton's past."