Dr. Schwan's Culinary

Dr Schwan’s Culinary

Working off of the success of the Dr. Schwan’s Essentials product line, Albert Schwan found himself late one night in Colglough wondering how to improve the lives of those within the quarantine zone through the use of Necrotech science. While staring at a blank work-pad, The doctor gagged down a pre-packaged lunch from the Necrotech cafeteria deepfreeze to maintain his strength. At that moment, an idea hit him like a lump of scalding hot preheated gravy hitting the bottom of an empty stomach. If a society works on its stomach, there must be a way to improve the quality of post-outbreak life by improving the caliber of the available cuisine…THROUGH SCIENCE! Introducing Dr. Schwan’s Culinary product line, the newest in scientific advancements from the Colglough Building Labs.

Current Product Line

The Dr’s Special Feral Undead Seasoning Salt

Dr Schwan had been watching the Feral Undead from the Colglough Building windows as they canvassed the streets looking for prey, all the while wondering why so many of them would persist in this area—despite the inhospitable reception that they usually receive—rather than follow their natural westward migratory patterns. This ceased, however, when he met a reformed member of their clan who informd him of the ancestral land of Whittenwood upon which modern Whittenside and the surrounding areas stand. Albert had been aware that Zombies had existed long before the outbreak from his past experiences while attending MU, but he had never guessed that their familial roots would tie them so strongly to a specific geography. Slowly he began to sympathize with their plight and even respect their feral behavior as part of the natural ecology of this area. Further examining their behavior, he came to realize that the Feral Undead, like their totem vulture, are essentially scavengers. The source of the animosity towards them is rooting in the fact that sometimes humans are such easy prey. How then to switch their natural tendency for the betterment of the entire region? Dr. Schwan realized that, though the corpses that litter the streets may be nutritious and easily obtainable, the zombies much preferred the taste of live human flesh. After abandoning research designed to make humans taste worse, Dr. Schwan set his mind to finding a way to make corpses taste better. He finally settled on a formula that used the best in Necrotech science, but early attempts to include MSG to enhance flavor proved too subtle for a zombie palate. The Dr’s Special Feral Undead Seasoning Salt, is a combination of essential salts from the MU archives, special herbs and spices, crystallized revivification fluid (to seal in freshness), and ground glass (to open even the most decayed taste buds). Though he knows that it will not prevent the hoards from craving genuine article, one zombie choosing to feed on a corpse seasoned with The Dr’s Special Feral Undead Seasoning Salt is a victory for Whittenside and a testament to the power of reason and science over instinct.

To order and use The Dr’s Special Feral Undead Seasoning Salt simply copy the code for the following tag to your user page

	Dr. Schwan's Culinary
	This Zombie enjoys the refined flavor of a corpse seved with The Dr’s Special Feral Undead Seasoning Salt.

Bag-Man Schwan’s Nabra!nzbarg Bra!nz

Having observed the effect of revivification fluid on human tissue, Dr. Schwan began to wonder about its potential on other dead specimens. During his travels he had come across squirrels, tigers, an owl and a few other creatures who seemed to respond identically to the solution, experiencing full revivification. As an experiment at Miscotonic U, he had even tried a predecessor to the Necrotech solution on a severed limb, with violent and unpredicted results that lead to the hospitalization of two lab assistants. Presumably because of the solution's built-in imperative to reconstruct cerebral tissue first, the arm developed a brain-like growth near the wrist, the removal of which proved to be the only method for terminating the experiment. Post experiment vivisection revealed the tumor to be capable of sending out base motor impulses through rudimentary synapses but incapable of any degree of conscious thought or malice, making its action truly mysterious. In his recent attempts to follow up on this research and push the limits of revivification fluid application, the doctor attempted—under carefully controlled conditions—to apply the solution to an amalgamated lump of bean curd and spam. The result: the lump of matter formed itself into a near perfect human brain with only a slight color variation from the genuine article. Attempts at transplantation proved that the brain did not have the capacity to stimulate a body or to reason as electrical activity was only very minimal and will was altogether absent. Prepared to call the experiment a failure, Dr. Schwan had just heaved the remnants into a bin, when a zombie incursion into the facility allowed two zombies to gain access to his lab. Set to defend himself, Dr. Schwan watched in amazement as the zombies cried BRA!NZ and began to devour his test materials. Revivifying both zombies, the doctor quickly began work on what would eventually become BAG-MAN SCHWAN’S NABRA!NZBARG BRA!NZ.

TESTED AND FOUND FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION!

To order and use BAG-MAN SCHWAN’S NABRA!NZBARG BRA!NZ simply copy the code for the following tag to your user page

	Dr. Schwan's Culinary
	BAG-MAN SCHWAN’S NABRA!NZBARG BRA!NZ. HARMANZ AHM HRANS NAH BARG Z!NGZ.

Dr. Schwan’s Insta-Full

There is a misconception that just because zombies are often broken and bloody in appearance, they are incapable of healing from an injury. In fact, just the opposite is true. While spending some time at the Fort Perryn Gatehouse, Dr. Schwan was carefully observing the battle with his usual scientific vigor when he saw a Fort Perryn soldier shoot a zombie in the head, causing it to fall to the ground mere feet from where he was concealed. The zombie lie there with a gaping hole in its head and, as the doctor watched, he noticed the hole begin to close. As it did so, Dr. Schwan removed bits of the brain matter with his medi-kit, observing them reform and enlarge on the end of his tweezers before ceasing and returning to a shriveled grey lump. He repeated this experiment several times on the zombie, picking away matter as the cranial wound sealed, and each time the result was the same, it enlarged then shriveled. Writing down his results, he allowed the wound to seal and secluded himself as the zombie rose and resumed its attack on the fort.

Dr. Schwan concluded that the rot virus, which permeates all areas of our ecosystem, does indeed allow us the ability to regenerate at an alarming rate. This mutation, demonstrated by the miraculous potency of first aid kits ever since the outbreak, allows zombies to heal internal organs but not surface wounds, and survivors the ability to heal surface wounds once zombified material has been removed from the site of the injury with sterile pads. The revivification fluid is then a combination of concentrated rot virus and systemic purgative that removes zombification and bolsters and accelerates the original tissue mutation, facilitating full revivification. However, the question remains: what caused the tissue on the tweezers to stop growing?

After weeks of study involving field research and self mutilation, he was able to discern that the rot virus requires electric activity to survive. Once it reaches beyond the extent of the nervous system as specified in the host’s DNA, it dies and regeneration ceases. If no central nervous system exists, it attempts to establish one using a human template embedded in the solution as it did with the nabra!nzbarg Bra!nz. But why did the Nabra!nzbarg Bra!nz fill out while the zombie brain matter reverted? The answer lay in the preservatives in the spam.

Using preservatives added to the revivification mixture, Dr. Schwan briefly experimented with other applications of this discovery, and ultimately injected the solution into a wandering zombie. As he stared at the pile of ash that had once been a zombie but had more recently become a 60ft tall mass of writhing flesh necessitating immediate incineration, he decided that he needed to set his sights a bit lower. Ultimately, his attentions turned to culinary application.

Dr. Schwan’s Insta-Full is a time release capsule that contains modified revivification solution (purgative and concentrated rot virus with neurological template removed), Sorbic Acid (the preservative used in Twinkies), and bovine synaptic tissue. To use, one need only ingest a small piece of jerky and one capsule of Dr. Schwan’s Insta-Full. The outer layer of the capsule dissolves in the stomach acid releasing the revivification fluid and bovine tissue. The jerky is thereby revivified and induced to regenerate within the stomach. At this point, the second layer dissolves releasing the sorbic acid which prevents reversion. As the now living jerky continues to expand, its growth is kept in check by the stomach acid. Once the preservative runs out, the tissue dies but does not revert, and the stomach is left with approximately 14 to 20 oz of digestible beef.

Dr. Schwan’s Insta-Full: a meal in a bite. Also available in chicken, lamb, and pork.

To order and use Dr. Schwan's Insta-Full simply copy the code for the following tag to your user page

	Dr. Schwan's Culinary
	This user believes that people have to eat even in RPGs. That's why this user chooses Dr. Schwan's Insta-Full

Dr. Schwan's Single Malt Malton Whiskey

Being the facility head of a Necrotech building in Malton is never an easy job, but, while some of his colleagues may choose to throw themselves from the high windows, Dr. Schwan gets by with an occasional nip of fermented fortification. Since setting up shop in Colglough, the doctor has maintained a fully stocked bar in his office and prides himself on the quality of the contents therein. Whether treating the soldiers from the Fort to a libation or helping a member of the zombie hoard take the edge off after a particularly traumatizing revive, Dr. Schwan had always considered it part of his duty to provide refreshments for his guests. However, over time, he began to realize that the intoxicating effect of the alcohol was getting weaker and weaker. Initially, he attributed this to the sobering nature of post-outbreak life, finding new and higher quality beverages to slake his psychological thirst, but as the condition worsened, he became convinced that it was a response to a biological change. While this nagged him, there was always something more pressing than what he had begrudgingly named “the booze issue” until the straw that broke the camel’s back came in the person of one Kieran Furlong: a man with a taste for alcohol to rival Dionysus himself who—emboldened by a virus-augmented tolerance—seemed determined to drink the Dr. out of house and home. Having revised his list of priorities, Dr. Schwan immediately began to research the cause and possible solutions to “the booze issue.”

His researches first lead him to consume mass quantities of alcohol in order to establish a threshold. This was an interesting time to be in Colglough, and more than one guest received a revivification needle in the neck having been mistaken for undead. This period also led to the development of an upcoming Dr. Schwan product: Dr. Schwan’s Miraculous Hangover Remedy. Having established a baseline, the Dr. studied his own reactions and the reactions of his guests to eventually determine that the same rot-mutation that causes our rapid healing and the hyper-effectiveness of our first aid kits, causes the alcohol we ingest to sanitize the lining of our stomach and cause cellular regeneration. As the ethyl absorbs, part of it is consumed in the act of regeneration, part of it gets blocked by the newly-fortified tissue and digested, and only the remainder produces the desired effect. Consequently, alcohol with a low enough proof actually has the ability to heal smaller flesh wounds, explaining the effects of beer noted by many survivors since the outbreak.

The trick, then, was to find a way to counteract the regenerative effect. Dr. Schwan discovered that a dose of concentrated rot virus, mixed with the alcohol, did the trick, but the rot virus also produced a bad taste, making the mixture—to use Kieran’s comments on an early test batch—“taste like ass”. After this disappointing first review, Dr. Schwan began to experiment with ways to incorporate the rot virus without damaging the taste, eventually finding a way to incorporate the virus into the brewing process itself. The end result of this research is Dr. Schwan’s Single Malt Malton Premium Unblended Whiskey.

This unique in-house beverage uses a patented process whereby the barley (grown on the rooftop of the Colglough Building itself) is malted in a mixture of water, preservative fluid, and concentrated rot virus. The resulting mash is strained and distilled producing a fine whiskey with a smoky aroma and a bite unrivaled by standard potables. This whiskey will knock even the stoutest of revelers flat on his ass, intoxicating even the undead with its mixture of manufacturing excellence and cutting edge science.

To order and use Dr. Schwan's Single Malt Malton Premium Unblended Whiskey simply copy the code for the following tag to your user page

	Dr. Schwan's Culinary
	This user values the refined flavor ofDr. Schwan's Single Malt Malton Premium Unblended Whiskey

BRA!N-RAHM

(limited quantity seasonal Thanksgiving product)

It was a cold November in Malton that found Dr. Albert Schwan sitting in Anne General Hospital, recovering from a recent zombie attack in the Hurst Building in lower Whittenside. Looking around the room as the contents of the first aid kit began their miraculous work, he became fixated by the spashes of blood on the walls, and, as is often his habit, began to visualize fractal patters in the seemingly random smears and splatters. He also mused on the wisdom of Necrotech deciding to put Morphine drips in standard issue first aid kits. To counteract the lethargy, he injected himself with a dose of his rot virus derived medication Rotalin. His mind began to clear just as his wounds began to close at their usual heightened rate. Finally, his eyes snapped into focus and he noticed a more regular shape in the blood on the wall, mostly covered by an overturned centrifuge and some other equipment. He cleared away the debris and discovered it to be a bloody hand-print.

Whether the result of the residual effects of the morphine or some other psychological trigger, Dr. Schwan pictured himself as a child, of no more than 3 years, holding his hand to the wall of his New England home and tracing its outline in crayon. Caught in the moment, he picked up a nearby eyedropper and filled it with some of the blood from a pool on the floor. He applied slow pressure on the bulb at the end as he moved it along the wall and drew a beak and a waddle on the thumb of the handprint. Finally he used a scalpel to scrap away a spot of blood to form the eye and stepped back to examine his work. A Turkey.

Had he really been in Malton this long? He had forgotten the significance of the date entirely. It was the 25th of November: Thanksgiving. A tear began to come to his eye which aroused in him a suspicion. Wiping it away, he removed his instrument bag and analyzed the first aid kit. As he suspected, it was contaminated by rot venom and some residual chemicals that had produced a psychotropic effect that had been elevated by the Rotalin injection. He spent the next few hours purging the contaminants from his system and riding out their effects. When he regained his clarity, the nostalgic diversion had ended though it left him inspired.

Taking some prototype genetic material from his upcoming textile project that made use of Heathers’ cloning technology to create a faux leather, he modified the bovine template into something that resembled avian flesh and fashioned the resultant mixture into a sphere before the material gelled and solidified. He then produced a firmer material infusing the same technology with a human genetic makeup provided to his equipment by the wireless Necronet from the nearby Malcolm Building. He wraped the replicated human skin around the bird meat, but something was still missing…the stuffing.

Dr. Schwan created a hollow space in the middle of the sphere using some compressed air, and filled the void with his NABRA!NZBARG BRA!NZ synthetic brain product. As he did so, the name BRA!N-RAM came to him as the most appropriate designation for this design. He then roasted the finished product over a gas laboratory flame until the outside began to take on a golden brown hue. The result appeared to be something like a Turducken.

Albert crept softly into the ruined Colglough building with his new creation, righted a lab table, and set the BRA!N-RAM on it with a note that read “Happy Thanksgiving.” He was unsure if they would notice the product and deemed it highly unlikely that they would appreciate it even if they did. This was England after all. But then he reasoned, if one cannot go on a contaminated medical supply induced trip down memory lane and do something illogical with the best of intentions that may be gravely misinterpreted by one’s brain-eating neighbors, then what else are the holidays for?

Available prepackaged seasonally wherever ShwanTech products are sold

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