Brain Central

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Clock.png Historical Group
This historical group is no longer active. However, its wiki page is preserved to reflect the group's significance in Urban Dead history.

Brain Central
Nothing yet
Abbreviation: The B of the C
Group Numbers: 8, and rising
Leadership: Commodore Brains; the ladies choice
Goals: Destroy the Army Control Corps, and FORCE Sgt Whiskey Swiper out of the game once and for all.
Recruitment Policy: Anyone who wants Sgt Whiskey Swiper dead.
Contact: Contact Commodore Brains and Brain Central at

The Basics (NPOV)

Brain Central is one of the newest zombie groups in town, and its sole purpose in life is to destroy Sgt. Whiskey Swiper and his survivor group, the Army Control Corps.

The only way Brain Central can see to solve their problem, and indeed, to save all of Malton from this man, is to munch on his brains as much as inhumanly possible, regardless of whether he is a zombie or a human at the time. They feverently hope that once this has happened to him enough times, he will finally, and permanently, depart from the city and never return.

Brain Central is led by their handsome and charismatic leader, Commodore Brains, who does his best to warn everyone of Sgt Whiskey Swiper wherever he treads. Alas, his cries fall on deaf ears, and so now he has taken it upon himself to do the deed, for the good of all people. We can only pray he isn't too late.

To alleviate straining relations caused by the fear of Commodore Brains' sometimes over-intimidating charisma and will, Nubis, Commodore Brains' most trusted lieutenant has been named the official SpokesZombie of Brain Central, and serves as an ambassador to other groups in Malton.

After a brief hiatus from operations, considering their main objective complete after killing Swiper a number of times, Commodore Brains and Brain Central have since actively returned to the front, this time with much broader aspirations for their little corner of the city and unconcerned about the other squabbles that hectic city life brings.

Commodore Brains, however, would still like to inform everyone that he, being the kickass guy he is, will still continue his ritual Swiper cleansing to make sure that everyone in Malton is not subjected to too much of the man for too long.

Historical Significance Section

Brain Central is for all intents and purposes a defunct group, although several people still carry on the task of hunting down and shooting/clawing/etc-ing Sgt Whiskey Swiper.

The Legend of Sgt Whiskey Swiper (The POV Starts Here)

Once, long ago, there was a legend. This legend, foretold of a great and powerful warrior, one who would unite the people of Malton under a banner of righteousness, truth, and holy light, and, finally unified under his standard, they would drive out the zombies that had plagued them for so long, and retake Malton as their own...

Alas, that legend has got nothing to do with this man.

Sgt. Whiskey Swiper is a man who so desperately wants to be loved, he wants to create an organisation dedicated to him wherever he treads. It doesn't matter if its a small club of Swiper fans in a forum, or in a game, or even in real life (Assuming he has a life); because he is so insecure in himself, and, indeed, his sexuality, he has thrust himself on a never-ending quest to find SOMEONE, ANYONE who likes him. Alas, some thirteen plus years have passed, and this quest stands unfulfilled, a testament to how wingey and annoying he really is.

Being such an attention whore, Swiper often takes it upon himself to incessantly badger people who are higher up the food chain than him for more power, which he will greatly abuse and clumsily wield so he can enforce his own perverted laws upon those under him. He tends to believe himself a great tactician, and always offers to help in matters of great importance; believing his 'expertise' would not only help, but would be VITAL to whatever plans others come up with. Unfortunately for Swiper, everyone else can see that he has the tactical aptitude of a rusted pogo-stick, and so generally laugh at his meagre attempts at strategy, and like to amuse him with important tasks such as making the coffee and posting pamphlets through doors. Inevitably, he even gets these two activities wrong, and more often than not ends up pouring coffee through people's mailboxes and liquidises the pamphlets to make people's drinks.

It is actually hard to put into precise words exactly HOW stupid, vain, and idiotic Sgt. Whiskey Swiper is. Many scientists have tried; yet they have always failed to grasp that quintessential twattishness that pervades his very being. Indeed, during the experiments they ran, several scientists had to be culled as it was discovered that he ACTUALLY radiates waves of stupidity, which affected the scientists in terrible ways and led to the first outbreak of zombies in Malton. In actual fact, the zombies in Malton are not zombies at all, but merely humans who have been infected with a TINY dose of his retardation, a disease that has since been named 'Swiper's Syndrome'; where the humans have become so stupid, they don't even know how to die.

Swiper himself, the host of the disease, has been so pervaded by it that he doesn't even realise EXACTLY how much of a snivelling little gimp he is, and so travels across the land; oblivious to the fact that there is not a man, woman, or child, living or dead, who doesn't hate his guts and wish him a terrible, painful death.

And so Brain Central hunts down this vile and repulsive being for the good of all the peoples of Malton. We won't let you down!!

An Interview with Commodore Brains

(Opening sequence ends and we enter the scene with rapturous applause from the studio audience. Sitting opposite the host, Jim Bob, sits a rather stunning looking gentleman with a slightly green hue to his skin)

Jim Bob: Good evening viewers, to another episode of 'Malton's Finest'. Here with me today is the most handsome, smartest, and most impeccably dressed zombie in all of Malton: Commodore Brains! (Thunderous applause, to which Commodore Brains gives a gracious bow) Thank you for agreeing to meet with me on such short notice, Commodore.

Commodore: Oh, think nothing of it Jim; it's the least I could do after you found my right arm for me.

Jim Bob: Okay Commodore Brains, I guess the question that most people are asking is 'Why Whiskey Swiper? Why are you constantly tormenting him and no-one else?'

Commodore: Well I wish there was a simple answer for that Jim, but as I'm sure you're aware, Swiper is just a big attention whore. He may bitch and moan about my so called 'abuse', but in the end he loves the publicity I'm giving him. He was a virtual nobody on the scene till I arrived to reverse his fortunes, and now look! He's even mentioned us on his own little group blog!

Jim Bob: Well you say he's an attention whore, but where's the proof Commodore? I'm afraid the viewing public need a little bit more to go on than your word, as fantastic and as sexy as that word may be.

Commodore: Of course they do Jim, they'd be fools not to want proof! Well, aside from the fact that Swiper is trying to 'jump on the bandwagon' so to speak in regards to what my and my associates are trying to achieve here, there is also his incessant gloating and egotistical nature, a sample of which can be found here, and his own self-praising copycat area on the very same site, which can be found here. I do believe Swiper's unnecessary and annoying outbursts of unkempt, if enthusiastic, bravado have already been well documented amongst the residents of Malton; so I need not mention those.

Jim Bob: You say the last one is a copycat area? How so?

Commodore: Well that's a long and interesting story there Jim, but unfortunately I don't have time to go into it with as much detail as I'd like. I will say there were two such areas beforehand, but neither of their patrons was vain or narcissistic enough to name their establishments after themselves, unlike Swiper. I believe I shall stop naming sources here, if you don't mind. I've already fuelled the man's ego enough. Sometimes I believe making our group go public was a bad idea to begin with; it just puts more fuel on the fire as far as his feeling of self-worth goes, which is a very bad thing. If we HAVE to have idiots abound in our city, especially ones as incompetent as Swiper, I'd prefer them to at least have a realistic opinion on how retarded they actually are.

Jim Bob: Which in this case is a lot, right?

Commodore: (Laughs) That�s right Jim! (Both laugh) Alas, people are still flocking to his banner. But that doesn't concern me at all.

Jim Bob: Not in the least? You know that they outnumber you three to one and know where you reside, right?

Commodore: Of course I do, but only because I told them where to find me. I will always have an edge over them that they can't possibly hope to overcome until those who follow Swiper see some bloody sense.

Jim Bob: What is that then, Commodore?

Commodore: The sheer fact that my group is led by me, and Swiper's group is led by Swiper. A weapon is only as good as the hand that wields it, and in Swiper's hands I wouldn't be surprised if he lopped his own head off. In fact, I think that'd be an improvement! (Both laugh) My group is smaller, but easier to hide from prying eyes. I'd love to announce the names of those members who have already joined, but I don't want them to be taken down by some of the more competent men in Swiper's group, which is basically everyone bar Swiper! (Both laugh)

Jim Bob: Seriously though, what caused this great loathing? Surely there are other people worthy of more scorn than this man? Where did all this hatred stem from?

Commodore: Well�from previous interactions I've had with him he always seems to want to interfere in things that don't concern him, and often believes himself wiser than he actually is. This in itself, I admit, is not annoying, but the man has taken it out of all proportion far too many times to let it just slide by�

Jim Bob: Many viewers might accuse you of the same thing, Commodore.

Commodore: (Laughs) Yeah, that wouldn't surprise me. I'm the first to admit I'm sometimes a little arrogant, but really, I'm just THAT damn good, I can afford to be. I guess that's why Swiper annoys me so much, because he acts like he's THAT damn good, but in reality he hasn't a friggin' clue.

Jim Bob: But it IS true he is of a higher level than you, correct?

Commodore: That much is true, yes. Unfortunately I've been out of action for a long time and have only just re-emerged onto the scene; greatly weakened, I might add, as let us not forget I had to absorb the full force of Swiper's stupidity during the initial outbreaks, saving most of the residents of Malton in the process.

Jim Bob: And there isn't a day that goes by we don't thank you for it Commodore.

Commodore: Why thankyou, Jim.

Jim Bob: Okay, one last question; if Swiper was listening in right now, what would you say to him?

Commodore: I'd tell him to get the hell out of Malton before it's too late. But only because I care.

Jim Bob: Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen; Commodore Brains! (Great cheering and applause) Tune in next week as we talk to a less well known but vital member of this conflict, Jeff the Zombie street cleaner; and we have music by our very own Malton blues singer Flies McKenzie! Goodnight!

(End credits begin to roll as zombies burst into the studio and start eating random people)