Channel 4 News Team/Lord Moloch Interview Iwitness

A lot of our interviews here at Channel 4 have been civilised, orderly and classy in a leather armchair and brandy kind of way. This latest one did not go down that way, and nor could it, for there are no home comforts in ….The Blackmore Building! Your eyes do not deceive you. In order to secure our latest scoop we had to send our guy into Ridleybank to chat to the new Papa of the RRF. It’s not how we wanted it to go down, but down it had to go, for we’re Channel 4 goddamit, and if we don’t bring you the news then who the hell will!

The format for this interview will be a little different to our standard. A hazardous interview zone requires many boxes to be ticked, mainly “lots of back up!”. So I’m going to list the players in an abbreviated format so you know who said what to who. Got it?

IM – Information Minister, brave drunken reporter who now stands as Co Anchor LM – Lord Moloch, Papa V of the RRF (scary beast with giant horn) LW – Lord Wulfgar, leader of the Malton Rangers and head of security WA – Winkalt, Stylist Supreme for C4NT MR – Marcel Rhodes, C4NT, sound, lighting and emergency first aider FM – Fortnum Mason, Malton Rangers Head Cook ZX – ZimonX30, Kilt Store employee and Fresh Prince of Scotland BC – Blanemcc, undercover cameraman for the night DB –Unknown undercover Ranger in amongst the dead. SH – Sexual Harrison, middleman/agent who ‘sorted ’ the interview and somehow holds the media rights to the whole deal! Extras – 14 zombies lurking ominously in the dark.

Inside the ruins of the Blackmore Building, Midnight....

LW – "Now we just need the reporter. Late as always it seems."

IM - *enters building and proceeds to stick a needle in LM’s neck *

LW - "Speak of the devil."

IM - "Hello hello hello. The devil is best not mentioned tonight my friend, we have problems enough all around"

LM - *Stands up and touches his massive horns *

LW - "Well then all have arrived. Lets get those cameras rolling."

WA - *drunk and forgetting herself * "Coming to you live from the middle of Malton"

IM - *shoots Winkalt a withering look *"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, living and otherwise. We are gathered here tonight to hear from one of Maltons most infamous characters. Some of you fear him, some of you revere him, I give you the Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch!"

IM - "Firstly I’d like to thank you for giving us some of your time and also for suffering the discomfort of the Harman form. I must say however, that you do look magnificent. Were you born with those giant horns or was it surgery? And the whole Minoan look, that’s really working for you. What was your inspiration?"

LM - "Thank you for being here in our beloved homeland. Firstly allow me to apologise for my paltry AP. Papaly duties interfered. My look, or lack of one, is really a combo of laziness and mystery: I appear as you wish me to, for good or for ill. Mostly ill."

IM - *shooting suspicious look at Fortnum Mason * "I am feeling a little sick, but I put that down to the corn dogs I ate earlier"

IM - "You are the 5th Papa of the RRF. What do you feel you can bring to the ‘Bank that your predecessors have not?"

FM - *starts to hook up a generator so he can see what he’s cooking *

IM - "No Lights! It's less scarier if we do not see them...no offence"

LW - "Yes. Light may scare the elusive Moloch away. Plus it was part of the agreement."

IM - "Also, hair and makeup have been at Spiros for happy hour. Winkalts left me looking like the Joker."

LW - "Quite the fitting look considering our surroundings."

FM - "OK, no problem on the power front; I must have missed a memo. Note pad and pencil it is."

LM - *stands bemused, scratching his horn and feeling hungry *

IM - *raises eyebrow to Wulfgar, both wonder what Mason is cooking… *

IM - "While we wait on your reply, I'm just going to pop this body here outside. It's getting a little whiffy."

IM - *drags rotting corpse out of the door, wondering if this will be his fate later… *

LW - "I think he needs you to repeat the question my good reporter. I'm afraid your hair may have distracted him."

IM - "hmmm, that usually only works on chicks, we can discuss that side of your personality later Lord Moloch"

WA - *glances at Moloch nervously* "er...sorry about the hair, mousse or gel?”

LW - "I'm not sure even your talents could make much of a difference there winkalt."

IM - "dont worry about it, next to these freaks I still look like Robert Redford....what, my mike is on, shit."

LW - "Freaks? Remind me to invite you to a beer later my dear Minister. Perhaps I can introduce your head to a fine bottle."

IM - * shuffling feet awkwardly, keen to move on * "as I was saying, you are the 5th Papa of the RRF. What do you feel you can bring to the ‘Bank that your predecessors have not?"

LM - "The Papas of the past were a contrary bunch and I am no exception. Murray and Petro were charismatic, Sonny bombastic, Patrucio a liberal reformer. Me? I'm more scholarly and tactical. More Machiavellian. In truth I'm probably more like Jorm or Grim than any of the previous papa. I'm a general rather than a President. I pride myself on ruthlessness, cunning and opportunism. I also think it's safe to say that I'm second only to Sonny on the Papaly unpopularity stakes where our noble enemies are concerned."

FM - *throws a tomato at Lord Moloch to emphasise his unpopularity *

LW - "Careful Mason, the color read might tempt him to spill a little blood............."

IM - *ignoring tomato splat on horn * "I notice that you have a very imperial presence about you. Is this related to the perceived aggressive ‘defence’ of your home land. I always thought that the RRF was there to claim Ridleybank and to stop the humans from populating it."

IM - "It seems now though that you are bent on destruction and expansion into all parts of central Malton. Some have even likened your foreign policy with that of the US of A. When did the Resistance end and the Offensive begin?

IM - "Ah, you see that was the first idea, but we've achieved that. I believe in zombie imperialism. I believe in cutting open every human to expose the zombie within. You breathers seem to love coming to Ridleybank, so I believe in taking Ridleybank to you."

LM - "People say 'Empire' like it's a bad thing, but the Romans brought sanitation and higher living standards to Europe. We at the RRF intend to bring ruination and non-existent living standards to Malton. I think that you'll see the benefit soon enough."

IM - "If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you a little bit about zombie life. I’ve tried it myself on a couple of occasions but it wasn’t to my liking. I found that my hair become unimportant, the shine on my shoes irrelevant and that I was suddenly interested in women only for their brains. Do you still feel the need for romance, culture and humour? Do you never get bored with a limited vocabulary and diet?

WA - *whispers to IM * remember, the purpose of the media isn't ultimately to inform, it's to scare the sh*t out of us"

IM - *whispering back *, “I thought it was to pay our wages and keep Spiros in business, besides, they will shit when the studio lights hit my hair!”

LM - "You forget that I am a death cultist. I enjoy the finer parts of all. I enjoy fine literature, food and music as much as I enjoy your flesh and your screams. As for romance, the Gore Corps attracts many fine young ladies to our bloodied banner."

IM - "I'm not entirely sure the people at home will take comfort from hearing Motzart as they are mauled by a courting couple of corpses, but I guess it may ease the pain a little"

IM - "Why is it, that where other groups generally diminish through time and changes of leader, your group has not. I speak from experience here, since Ron left these shores the News Team is but a shadow of its former self, still classy only much smaller."

WA *noticing the nibbles that the crowd have been taking out of the reporter are getting more serious slaps on some welcome first aid *

LM - "The RRF benefits from openness and clarity in both objective and membership. To be in the RRF all you need do is wear the tag and patrol the 'Bank. Even if the rest of the horde is in Dulston you'll still be a valuable member of the horde, doing RRF work.”

LM - "This continues onto our forums. Whilst we have many shadowed layers at the heart of it all, the main horde, is an openness which comes from having a completely open forum and membership. You don't even need to sign in to know most of what's up with us."

IM - "Channel 4 was similar, carry the camera, listen for the Conch and generally be classy. Simplistic and stylish yet we have failed where you and few others have flourished. Out of interest, did you ever get a chance to meet, or eat, Burgundy. And if so, did he leave any lasting impressions on you."

LM - "But then we have a home. C4NT are essentially transient. We offer a certain stability, which remains in place even when the leaders change. Ridleybank is always there, always seeking new zombies. We don't provide a mere job: We provide a home and a family. I shot Burgundy in the Morrish Building at the Battle of Giddings. He left lasting bloodstains on my flesh and the reek of scotch in my nostrils. I was thus able to tick him off my list of famous people to kill in Malton."

IM - "Talking of homes...We have in the audience tonight one of the staff from the Kilt Store in Nichols Mall. Do you have an apology for them for recently, and continually, destroying their merchandise and messing up their cash flow?"

LM - "I have no apology. The Kilt Store are squatter on RRF land. I have never received a penny in rent for their skirt peddling, so we are acting as bailiffs and recovering our land. They can feel free to keep the skirts though. We have no need of them."

ZX - *Lifts his kilt and shows his bare arse to Moloch. The horned one pretends not to notice *

IM - "Is there anything you would like to know about us and our ways? And do you ever think there could come a day when Man and Zombie could live side by side, with nobody killing nobody?"

LM - "One day there will be peace: A perfect, deathly peace. You see, everyone dies. One way or another, you will become like us. I just hope that we are the ones who induct you into our ways, forever."

LW - "Ah. The Papa of the RRF predicting a peaceful, death filled future. Heart warming."

IM - "Well, I think that about concludes things for tonight. I’d like to thank the denizens of Ridleybank for their hospitality and not eating us, and Lord Moloch for giving up his time and a little bit of himself."

LM - "Thank you for visiting scenic Ridleybank. If you would like to form an orderly queue my zetheren will show you to your slaughterhou... I mean rooms. Do enjoy your stay and, when you awake, enjoy your breakfast. He's probably standing next to you right now"

WA - *frozen in silence trying to comprehend what he said. Was this a come on, was Moloch asking her to ‘spend’ the night….a double take on the now bitey hordes tells her otherwise *

IM - "This is the Information Minister, reporting live, for now, from the famous Blackmore Building in Ridleybank for Channel 4 News."

IM - "Now run like hell you crazy bastards before they stoke up the BBQ!"

LW – “I think that’s a wrap folks.”

*We all hear a loud groaning from very close by *

LW - "A groan? How perfect. Well I'm out folks."

LM - "Ah, I do believe that my zetheren have awoken. And in such timely fashion too. We have a great sense of theatre here at the Front. You may want to run away now. We're also quite 'assertive' diners."

LW - *fending off a hungry zombie * “Bad zombie, bad! This is an interview! All get running whos running!"

FM - *grabs his cooking utensils * "Night all. RUNNNNNN!"

IM - *realising the exit is blocked turns to face his foes * "I hope you choke on my Microphone you hell-seeking pack of heathens! Crack open the Scotch Ron, I'm a coming!"

Carnage shortly after ensued, there was much dancing and biting and shooting and Glory bestowed upon all those who failed to get through the windows..