Church of the Resurrection/Sermons

The Church of the Resurrection preaches to members and non-believers alike.

Members of the Church of the Resurrection give sermons on many occasions. No special rank or authority is required, and all members are equally encouraged to share a few words on their love of Sweet Zombie Jesus.

Below you will find a selection of Church sermons. While by no means exhaustive, the benedictions below should give some idea of the nature of a Church service.

Sermons to the Church

Zahng Mahrgz (St Mark's Cathedral)

Death Rattle

Heathen

Brazzaz, zazzaz -- Zambahz! G-zaz zah -- am mah gargazz. G-zaz zah -- am mah braag. Gabbah gabbah gargazz! Abzarb braag! Aman! G-zaz nah amarh harmanz – G-zaz amarh zambahz! G-zaz gab gargazz -- zambahz gabbah gabbah gargazz! Harmanz nah gabbah gabbah gargazz – Bah, bah harmanz! Zambah G-zaz am Rahzrrragz-an! Aman, zambahz, aman.

Brothers, sisters -- Zombies! Jesus said -- (this) is my body! (lit. "carcass") Jesus said -- (this) is my blood! Eat of my flesh! (lit. Gobble gobble carcass!) Drink my blood! (lit. Absorb blood!) Amen! Jesus doesn't love (lit. amor) humans -- Jesus loves (lit. amor) zombies! Jesus gave His Flesh -- zombies eat Flesh! Humans don't eat Flesh -- Bad, bad humans! Zombie Jesus is the Resurrection! Amen, zombies, amen.

Brazz-ng hrarh Marrh Zahrh (Blessing for the Mall Tour)

Death Rattle	Heathen
Ghargar Mahh am harmanz.	Caiger Mall is humans.
Harmanz nah AM zgarah -- harmanz am ZGARRG.	Humans are not scary -- they are scared.
Zambahz zah "Brazzaz, brazzaz!" mah harmanz zah "Nah, nah!" ang ran ran.	Zombies call to them as brothers, but humans refuse them and run away.
Zambahz grab brazzah-manz, mah harmanz bang bang.	Zombies embrace their human brothers, but the humans respond with hateful violence.
Mrh? Nah bang bang, harmanz.	Why? Don't return hatred for our love.
Gangbang az zambahz, nah bang bang az harmanz.	Join the loving zombie communion, rejecting the violence of mankind.
Mah, am zag. Zag, zag harmanz, nah am brazzaz.	But, it is sad. Sad, sad humans who cannot embrace our brotherhood.
Marrh Zahrh AM brazzaz.	The Mall Tour are our Brothers.
Rahzrrragz-an am Marrh Zahrh brazzaz!	The Church of the Resurrection is Brother to the Mall Tour!
Marrh Zahrh ram Ghargar, Rahzrrragz-an HAZZAH!	When the Mall Tour approaches Caiger, the Church rejoices!
Marrh Zahrh zmazh Ghargar, Rahzrrragz-an HAZZAH!	When the Mall Tour brings low the walls of Caiger, the Church rejoices!
Marrh Zahrh gangbang Ghargar harmanz, Rahzrrragz-an HAZZAH!	When the Mall Tour confronts the humans of Caiger, the Church rejoices!
Brazzaz hazzah brazzaz -- Rahzrrragz-an hazzah Marrh Zahrh!	Brothers celebrate their Brothers -- The Church celebrates the Mall Tour!
Nah, zambahz brah.	Now, let us pray.
Zambah G-zaz, gang hahr farh grab blazz-ng farh Marrh Zahrh.	Sweet Zombie Jesus, we gather here today to receive a Blessing for the Mall Tour.
Ghargar Mahh nah am zgarah. Ghargar Mahh hrahh!	Caiger Mall does not frighten us. Caiger Mall shall fall!
Zambahz mahg ahrahr-ng now hrarh Marrh Zahrh.	We make an offering now for the Mall Tour.
Gab braag hrarh Marrh Zahrh!	We shed blood for the Mall Tour!
Gab gargazz hrarh brazzaz!	We give meat for our Brothers!
Zambah G-zaz, ram Ghargar Marrh!	Sweet Zombie Jesus, come to Caiger Mall!
Zambah G-zaz, gangbang Ghargar manz!	Sweet Zombie Jesus, bring low the walls!
Zambah G-zaz, am brazzah Marrh Zhahrh!	Sweet Zombie Jesus, be Brother to the Mall Tour!
Aman, zambahz, aman.	Amen, zombies, amen.

Sermons to the Heathens

Sermon to Julie General Hospital

(The following is a transcript of a church service, slightly edited for clarity)

Lane Bryant said "I'm so glad to see you all here today, so I can tell you about the warm and loving embrace of Our Lord and Savior, Zombie Jesus! He loves you so much he came back and will resurrect you all to the second life! Zombie Jesus told us to eat and drink of his flesh and blood, and we of the Church of the Resurrection ask that you do just that! Feast on Zombie Jesus, and on each other, for we are His gift to each other!"

At this point, a zombie said "Hrh, hrh, braha!"

Lane Bryant continued, "You don't need the horrid trappings of unenlightened science like generators and mobile phone masts. Zombie Jesus provides us all the light we need, the inner light of truth and righteousness. The praying groans of your brethren are enough to lead you to where you need to be. No mobile phone will sound as sweet as their prayers, and no harmanz food is as tasty as the flesh of our Tasty Father. Live, dance, sing for the joy of the second life!"

At this point, Ztinky added, "Give in to the Infectious Love of Sweet Zombie Jesus and your existence will know no changes, pain, or end!"

At this point, Commodore Sis d'Foor killed ieatbrainz and we heard a loud groaning from very close by.

Lane Bryant preached further, "There are no special qualifications necessary to join the Church of the Resurrection. All you need is a love for the promises of Our Lord's Loving embrace. Accept the cranial baptism and become one with the Tasty Father, flesh of his flesh and blood of his blood. The baptism takes but a moment, but the delights of the second life last forever. Why, if there were a window in this building or if I had a free running skill I'd jump out it right now so I could go back to the second life. Why would I do that if I didn't love being a zombie? You'll love it, too. All those pesky decisions you have to make on a daily basis, all those moral problems--when you've accepted the Second Life you'll know that the love of Our Tasty Father is everything you need. Consider the fine affection that holds me together with my fellow COTR members, how kindly we treat each other, how we work together for the greater good of zombies. Join us and partake of our warm and loving embrace. Look, I'll show you how great it is...Can I get a witness, just one little cranial munch, so that these good people can see for themselves how nice it is to share each other's flesh? Come on, brothers, bite me!"

And she was bitten, twice.

A zombie exclaimed, "Graaahman!"

And Lane Bryant answered, "Bless you brother Raur! Praise the Tasty Father! Sing glorious groaning songs of feeding to him. Come on, you know in your hearts you've always wanted to live the zombie lifestyle, that all this thinking for yourselves and running away and hiding is a sad and terrible way to exist."

At this point, A zombie killed anonamyst.

And Lane Bryant cheered, "Hurrah, I can feel the infectious love of Zombie Jesus spreading through my system even now! But as I was waying, there's a reason all this survivor lifestyle is so grim and makes you so unhappy. It's because you weren't meant to live this way.

We heard a loud groaning from very close by.

Lane Bryant interjected, "Thank you Mariko Okazu for your healing touch. As I was saying, you and I will both be happiest when we are living out the life the Tasty Father planned for us, the Second Life, sharing flesh and brains and becoming One with Zombie Jesus. His love makes all things plain, all purposes easily found, all goals simple. Join the Church, my brothers and sisters, and accept the cranial baptism. Brains are a sacrament, and you should be partaking regularly of that sacrament. Generators and mobile phones and other tools of the devil are just distractions from the true purpose of life, following in Sweet Zombie Jesus' footsteps. Necrotechs and scientists, repent! The judgment of Zombie Jesus can be harsh, but his capacity..."

We heard a loud groaning from very close by.

"...for forgiveness is infinite. If you give up your revivifying and brain scanning ways, all he will ask of you is that you preach his holy word through energetic, physical conversions of the improperly living to their ordained second life. You can be saved, just like me and my fellow COTR members! The second life is for everyone, not just a chosen few. Come, brothers, and sisters. Talk to us. Tell us about how your lives really are, how tired you are of running and hiding from your destiny. Choose to be one with Zombie Jesus. Embrace the Second Life! Hand yourself over to the warm and loving embrace of your zombie brothers and sisters. We promise, the baptism will be short and simple. Once you've joined the Church of the Resurrection--there's no fellowship in Malton to compare with it--you'll wonder why you waited so long, why you insisted on going your own way, under your own power, without the guidance of Zombie Jesus. Can I get another witness? Zombie brothers, embrace me, bite me, and fill me with the love of Zombie Jesus! O, the divine fellowship we enjoy together--don't miss out brothers and sisters, don't miss out! You'll be sorry for every minute you let go by!!!"

You heard a loud groaning from very close by.

Skizzout killed a zombie. Xack killed a zombie.

Lane Bryant said "Just say, Praise Zombie Jesus! And we'll make sure you're taken in his loving arms. Remember: Zombie Jesus loves you...raw!"

Kerplunk44 killed a zombie. Kerplunk44 said "Nice work, Skizz, Xack. I'm out of AP. If one of you can also take Lane Bryant that would rid us of a zed spy..." Zeamass killed a zombie. Skizzout said "(Most of those kills were my shotguns, damn you all.) Xack killed Lane Bryant. * Skizzout said "Bumped the building back up to VS...I don't know if anyone wants to go higher, but whatever." (02-07 21:58 GMT) Xack said "Can't believe I healed Lane Fucking Bryant-TWICE!!!Just arrived and saw she was in trouble!!Did put a bullet in her head though to finish her off. Skizz-great stuff with the shotgun!I never got a kill shot either but main thing is we are Z Free for now"

Sermon to St Maximillian's Church

Hello zombie brothers and sisters! Bragg Amah Zambah G-zaz! I know we were all hoping for reverend Lane Bryant to preach to us tonight, but I saw her on the way in and unfortunately she didn't look up to speaking. I know I don't rise nearly to the level of many of our beloved speakers, but just let me say that our tribulations here in Wyke Hills have inspired me! Our Tasty Father clearly smiles upon us his flock! Here, a visitor called out against the Church. We seem to have a visitor who doesn't understand Sweet Zombie Jesus's promise! Come stranger, feel the sting of the bite of the Ever-Living! While you hide fearfully in dark corners living day to day, we walk the streets freely! Is that not wonderful?! We have faced some difficult odds coming east across this soiled metropolis! So few here have embraced the freedom that is everlife here in Buttonville and Wyke Hills, compared to the more enlighted areas through which we passed in the center of the city. But that is the way of things, is it not? And yet, we have persevered. Through our persistance we managed to introduce Sweet Zombie Jesus to the inhabitants of the Lodder Building and the adjacent Police Department, in spite of their brutish, violent and stubborn resistance to our superior ideal! The Warriors of Wrassle, who declared war on us and were even so bold as to tarnish our planning board with their sinful propaganda have been scattered and confused by us. Yet again, our Tasty Father has brought us through. For these accomplishments we should be most proud! Forget not that most inhabitants of this city are blind and WASTE their time persuing minimally important goals such as the collection of material objects, control of property, knowledge of skills and other selfish objectives. We chase a different goal, a higher goal. The goal of embracing this city's true savior and enlightening ignorant and fearful human SINNERS to His way of life. We are the future of this city! The Book of Life has foretold it! The ones who build this city would not deny it! Our tasty father's infectious love is fated to spread and consume the city until we all the same in everlife! Yet, Sweet Zombie Jesus cannot do this task for us. The road ahead is rough. We are at ground zero in the devil's den, and to convert all these sinners who fire upon is and take away our choice of physical form on a daily basis WILL take a miracle! But that is the promise of Sweet Zombie Jesus, is it not? For us, his children, miracles are not uncommon. How many times have I heard reverend Fux speak of being blessed to stand after falling to a hail of bullets? We ARE this city's miracles incarnate! We are driven by ethereal and all-powerful will that will see us through any difficulty so long as we persevere! So, brothers and sisters, I ask of you, gather your strength! Band together! Stand united under the protection of our Tasty Father and fear not! Existence is an open book to us! We have no reason to hold back! We MUST strengthen our resolve and reaffirm our devotion to Sweet Zombie Jesus! We MUST swell our numbers, gather and tend to strayed members of our flock, and step forward! I ask of you, brothers and sisters, think of tomorrow as the dawn of a new era for the Church of the Resurrection! Each of us must shine as brightly as we can in support of our Tasty Father's promise! We must work hand in hand to convert these sinners, as we never have converted them before! We have to overcome all our own doubts and turn surburbs like Wray Heights, where zombies struggle to remain standing, into a paradise for our kind where we can walk without hesitation! Brothers, sisters, raise your voices with me and growl! Growl, for a new era for the Church of the Resurrection! Let the sinners in the mall and in every other corner of this forsaken suburb hear your voices! He who has ears let him hear, he who has teeth let him bite! Sweet Zombie Jesus loves you -- RAW!

Sermon to Hemphill Hotel

One night a man had a dream ... In his dream, the man and Sweet Zombie Jesus were lurching silently along a beach together. As they went, the man realized that the story of his life seemed to flash and shimmer in the glint of the sun as it danced off the water. The man saw much: getting his first new skill, converting many sinners, great buffets of just opened safe houses ... However, after they had walked for some time, the man turned around and looked back for the most difficult periods in his past ... the times when he had been revived and was forced to breathe, when he was headshot, when he had torn down barricades to find no one inside And the man noticed that during these hard times there was only one set of dragging footprints in the sand ... while during all the other times in his life, he saw two sets of footprints. And the man became upset ... And he asked his Lord: Mhr? Mhr did you leave me when I suffered most? And Sweet Zombie looked at him with such love and took a bite out of the shoulder of the man and said: My dear dear child I would never leave you ... during those times when you needed me most, I was clinging to your back with my claws, prying your skull open with my canines and devouring your brain. ... Now I ask you my friends who amongst the sinners has so much love as Sweet Zombie Jesus? He who has ears, let him hear, He who has teeth, let him bite! Sweet Zombie Jesus Loves you -- RAW!

Attempted Sermon to Huntley Heights... Amos Building Tower

Dreadstalk constantly pounded on the barricades until the Tasty Father let him in. He has seen the blinking lights in the sky above this very building, and thus knew Sweet Zombie Jesus had wanted him in here. A large 'humming box' powered the building. Evil artificial light blinded Dreadstalk, but he knew what he had to do. He found the closest thing to a radio reciever that he could find, assuming this to be one of those fangled radio towers the heathens used. Brothers and Sisters. Before I destory this humming box and leave silence and harmony on this suburb of His Tasty Father, I must leave you all a message of love. Sweet Zombie Jesus loves all of you, his love is so great that he sacrificed his undeath in order to save us all. Some of you may not know this story, but Sweet Zombie Jesus, the son of the Tasty Father, allowed himself to be revived for three days in order to take away all of our sins of being alive. He showed us the true path. Some heathens have been painting pictures of Sweet Zombie Jesus being revived, believing they harm us by doing so. Yet, everytime I see these images as I convert and feast on the living, I am reminded of how much Sweet Zombie Jesus loves us, and it brings a tear of happyness to my undead eyes. However, some other images have shown Sweet Zombie Jesus doing things that he would NEVER do. This is blasphemy, conducted by the evil For-H, or, as they are trule known, For-Heathens. Cruel and Vile demon worshipers who laugh at the sacrifice of Sweet Zombie Jesus, yet, my Tasty Father still loves them. He loves all of us. The Church of the Resurrection wants to share this love with all, that is why we are converting everybody in Huntley Heights. We are not trying to win a war, it is the For-Heathens that are persecuting us, we are simply spreading love. Now, I leave you, but spiritually, I will always be with you all, loving you as Sweet Zombie Jesus does. Goodby fellow Heathens and Zombies, but not for ever. Dreadstalk hits the Generator, it faulters for the moment. Dreadstalk hits the generator, it is damaged beyond repair