Radio Free Malton/The Aquarium Acid Trip

Day 1

Hammerhead Joe: [Speaking quietly] This is Hammerhead Joe, your irresponsible roving journalist, reporting for RFM. A friend and I have cooked up a plan to try and hold the Aquarium at The Zoo down. Sounds boring huh? That�s what I thought too � so we thought we�d make it more interesting � Fear and Loathing is Las Vegas style!

• The transmission ceases for a moment � restarting to capture the creaking of a door.

Joe: Filthy Jenkins? Filthy � are you in here? What the hell is that smell?

Filthy Jenkins: NIGGA STOLE MY BIKE!

• Filthy eats 14 tabs of acid

Filthy: who wants some guys? Hey homeslice � you sure got perty eyes! GAWHAWHWAHWA!

• Joe's eyes turn into rainbows

Joe: Listeners, Filthy is now clambering into the fish tank.

• Some muffled clambering noises

Filthy: OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Joe: Sheesh � I think he�s meditating �.

Filthy: OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Joe: Nope � he�s just eating his own beard. Ugh that�s disgusting. Barry � I�m gonna need to start indulging if I�m gonna stay here � this hobo reeks!

• Once again the transmission ceases. We re-connect with Joe and Filthy around 30 minutes later

Joe: Raaadio duuudes! There's another dude here! Dude � what�s your name � dude?

Peter, the unsuspecting victim: Peter. Just � just stay the fuck away from me man!

Filthy: Why don�t ya just piss off, homeslice?

Peter: I can�t � you fucks. You sealed this place up � and there�s NO way I�m climbing up over the roof.

Joe: Suit yourself dude [whispers into the mic] � dickhead.

Filthy: Uhh...Peter? Want a tab or two?

• Filthy gobbles down a rotten red snapper from the bottom of fish tank

Filthy: mmmm...Gigan...

• We experience another gap in time, as Joe switches forgets his microphone �

Joe: Oh man � I�m tripping badly now listeners.

Joe: Whew! Look at the barricades man ... this place is like � this place is fucken castle greyskull! Hahah!

• We believe Joe stripped down to his underwear at this point

Joe: I am He-Man! Master of the universe! By the power of Greyskull! I have the power!!!

• Joe staggers around waving axe dangerously

Joe: Hahah! Come here Battle-cat!!!

Filthy: No! You stay the fuck away from me � No!!! Get off my back! Aaaah!

• Some more time passes

Joe: *Gasps* Why the fuck am I in my undies man ... oh fuck - there's my pants!

• Ruffling sounds as Joe attempts to dress himself with a canvas sack

Joe: Who stole my the fucken legholes outta these pants? Filthy - give me back my leg-holes!

• Sounds of somebody jumping around

Joe: I need another tab.

• Clattering sound ... followed by a thump. We believe Joe passed out

Day 2

Barry Bravado (from RFM HQ): �Allo listeners. I�ve finally managed to polish up the next installment of The Aquarium Acid Trip. We rejoin our intrepid reporter Hammerhead Joe, and the dubious hobo Filthy Jenkins at an unspecified time following the arrival of the famous League of Extraordinary Mordheimer�s!

• There is a click as Barry pressed the play button.

Hammerhead Joe: Squidgey!

• stumbles

Joe: Man am I glad to see you!

• falls flat on his face - facing the floor.

Joe: Holy shit ... there are so many SPIDERS on the roof

• rolls over to look at the roof

Joe: And the FLOOR is so far away!

• Some time must have passed � Barry appears to have edited something out.

Joe: [whispering] Hey Barry. Squidgey, Xyphistor, Jeff Ireland and Simon Telequis from the LXM are all sitting in a circle, shrooming � so I decided to take a tour around the rest of the Zoo. The drugs have eased off a little for now � I hope. Anyway, I�m just climbing into the Elephant House, they�ve got one fuck of a barricade assembled!

• There is a shriek as Joe slips, a heavy thump is heard a second or two later.

Joe: Awww � my freaking head.

• You hear the sound of at least three shotguns being cocked

Joe: Wow. Wow, wow, wow - I can't believe someone else is tripping out in the Zoo! You guys DID come here to take acid didn't you? Uh � you didn�t? Ummm �

Brick Lovelamp: You just climb right on back out, champ.

J Sergeant: But daw � Brick he sure do got a perty mouth. Can I have him Brick?

Joe: Ummm � Ok Fellers � I�ll uh � I�ll just be �

• Another shriek! Followed by a mad scrabbling, and another thump.

Joe: Aw man � at least the two lumps on my skull balance out now. Hey! You should see what�s up on the wall. Beware of zombie elephants. Yeah � I think that might be my cue to get back inside.

• Joe switches off for a while. The transmission resumes inside the Aquarium.

Squidgey: Zombie elephants man? Don�t say that kind of stuff when I�m shrooming dude. Sheesh!

• Chewing noises

Jeff Ireland: [Cheering on Xyphistor, who is sucking down a beer-bong] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Squidgey: [Through a mouthful of shrooms] Hey boys � did you ever hear about that experiment they did with spiders? They fed them all kinds of drugs � and saw what kind of web they made! But � I can�t seem to remember which spider made the best web.

Jeff Irelend: So what? We�ll just find our own spiders �

Simon Telequis: C�mon. C�mon let�s go kill something! [Begins talking to shotgun] What was that Babycakes? Sure, don't worry � Daddy Simon will feed you soon �

Squidgey: He always get�s like this on meth � sheesh. Hey Filthy, how many different things have you got in that bag dude? I�ll just repeat the experiment myself! It�ll be like Mythbusters! [In a sad, quiet voice] � Man I miss TV.

Joe: Whoah [wobbles] zombie scouting on acid [dribbles] man � Filthy what a fucked up idea [crumples in corner] phew let me chill for a moment [lights spliff] I need to come down a bit and tell you what I saw ... [smokes]

• There is a thump - Joe has passed out
• You can hear Squidgey rifling through the Aquarium, catching spiders. He seems to be squashing most of them � meanwhile, Filthy begins speaking with the ever-so-quiet Peter.

Filthy: Hey Peter � Joe�s out cold. Squidgey and his buddies are busy. It�s time we had a talk, homeslice �

Peter, the �beginning to suspect� victim: Stay away. STAY AWAY.

Filthy: You see � my real name is Seraphim. I�m an angel � real high up � and The Lord�s been telling me to kill you! Telling me you gotta d-

• Filthy is cut off

Squidgey: Damn Filthy � is this all you could spare? Ah well. Here we go! Enjoy your drug-soaked flies, you nasty little bugs �

• The transmitter went off for quite a while after this. Luckily, one of Squidgey�s associates was able to drop off a photo! Swing by RFM for a look-see! [1]

• We rejoin our crazy crew later in the day, Squidgey has gone � and Peter is missing.

Filthy: Oh my god.what the fuck did i write on the wall? With the Final Blow, Serraphim Murdered Peter??? WHERE IS PETER?!?!? OH MY FUCKING GOD!

• snorts heroin � then takes two tabs of acid

Filthy: MY FUCKING GOD wha...waha.....hahahaha...whoa...dude, where'd peter go?

Joe: [draws a deep lungful of Filthy's meth] aaah ... I feel better now. When I came in [phases out - then phases in] I saw Peter being chased by rickshaw zombies � I swear! They wanted to give him a ride for just 5 dollar! but [exhales] but Peter wanted to walk �

Joe: Damn. The Bear Pit is fucken bat country man � nine inside, nine outside � don�t go in there. The Reptile house has got �em too � but not so many � we could clear it man � if we weren�t so fucked up [puff]. There�s people inside the Elephant House, but they�re being attacked by something � could be zombies dogs, it could be pirates, they kept changing back and forth. The Lion Enclosure is empty � not a fucken sound � I was thinking of going in there and chewing on the rubber tires � the Lions used to like it.

Filthy: Mmmmm � rubber tires �

Joe: There�s one dude in the giraffe house � he�s got a cooler full of meat � I think he might be having giraffe steaks! But Filthy [wobbles] I think [stumbles] I think I�m gonna �

Joe: [moans and sways] man ... ever time a drug dies off, nother one kickz backin ... aneed a fuckn upper Filf. I'm gonna to the Lions Den - s'a friggin lionscorpse inere, I'm gonna see if it's still got adrenal glands ... wanna chew?

• The transmission cuts for a while.
• Joe scrambles back inside, hollering

Joe: Holy creeping crap Filthy! I found Peter out there � sobered me right up. Sweet zombie Jesus! It looks like someone took to him with an axe!

Filthy: Shhh Joe � it's safe here, but perha's i need crack coianec ttaoa join? STOP STARING AT ME! IM in the mooood...[smokes a hit of crystal meth, eyes widen HUGE] i want...Manta ? wha---...OIAH!? i can't speak breather! flag...flag of warm panter? wilco is fun, [laughs]

• Barry�s voice cuts over the recording

Barry Bravado: Heheh � er � folks I think I�m gonna cut Day 2 there. To protect the uh � the inncocent.

Day 3

Barry Bravado (from RFM HQ): 'Allo again Malton. As promised � I've got Day 3 of the Aquarium Acid trip all ready for ya. At the time of the recording, it had been several hours since I'd heard from those loyal, fearless and � most importantly � fucked up individuals, Filthy Jenkins and Hammerhead Joe.

• Static and hissing.

Barry: Hammerhead Joe? Do you read me? Filthy � Filthy Jenkins � are you there? Squidgey? Jeff? Anyone?

• Bash � thump � creak � CRASH!.

Ugly Zombie 1: Mrh?

Ugly Zombie 2: Barhah!

Ugly Zombie 3: Grah? Graaagh! GRAAAGHAHAHAHAH!

Barry: Oh fuck. Joe � Filthy � wake the fuck up!

• CHOMP � a wet tearing sound � several snaps � the smacking of lips, and swallowing noises.

Hammerhead Joe: Ah! Aaaah! Oh holy shit! Aaaah that hurts �

• Joe's shrieking is awful, terrible, truly terrifying!

Zombie 2: [SLURP] Gragh! -a-bznzn-naaz?nn-bz?nnn?n.z?ab Need a translation? http://zombies.alexsaintcroix.com/

Joe: OH � MY � GOD! [Earsplitting howl] Jeff you [SLURP] were supposed to stay on watch!!!

Jeff: Couldn't � no insulin � Filthy snorted it all � in serious � trouble �

• Joe screams out a horrifying death cry.

• Several minutes later, there are some shuffling noises and a low moan � Joe is still carrying his microphone.

Joe: Mrh? Hragh! Graaaaagh!

• Muffled noises, followed by slow heavy footsteps.

• The sound of Filthy's snoring gets louder as Joe approaches him.

Joe: [CRUNCH!] Mmmmm �

Filthy: Ahhh! Joe you fucker � you're wrecking my buzz!

Joe: [CRUNCH!]

Filthy: Ow! My thyroid!

Joe: [SLURP, SMACK]

• Filthy scrambles to his feet.

Filthy: Let go!

• Filthy evades Joe's grasp by miraculously jumping out his his clothes!

Filthy: Fine homeslice � I was thinking about getting naked anyway!

• Muffled noises as Filthy liberates Joe's transmitter.

Filthy: Hahaha! I got the ball!!!

• A pounding of feet as Filthy runs away.

Barry: Filthy � WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Filthy:He's in the clear! 40 meters out! � 30 meters out! � 20 meters out! Filthy Jenkins is only 10 meters from the goal, he must score!!!

• More muffled sounds.

Filthy: Hahaha! He shoots for the goal!!!

Barry: Filthy � do not break that transmitter!!!

Filthy: Dicks to you Barry! [PUNT!]

• There is a whistling noise, followed by a SMASH and heavy static!

Barry: Oh dear.

Well listeners � that concludes the Aquarium Acid Trip! Stay tuned to join Hammerhead Joe and Filthy Jenkins on their next adventure!