Red Rum/The Great Military Biscuit War
(The Great Military Biscuit War has also been known as The Great Red War, the Raiders vs. Rummers, The Very Serious Creedy-Defense-Force/Red-Rum Battle Of Absolute Truth and Serious PK Business, or more rarely as The Biscuit/Wet-Nurse Military Action.)
The Great Military Biscuit War was one of the most Serious conflicts in Malton's stolid and bloody history. It claimed the lives of millions of players, cost billions of Euro, and left Malton a shattered and smoking husk of its former self. The two primary contenders in this war were those allied with the Creedy Guerilla Raiders and those allied with Red Rum, which had long since emerged as Malton's two leading PKer superpowers.
Events Leading Up to the War
Historians disagree over when the tensions that led to the Great Military Biscuit War first began to escalate. Some say it began when Red Rum took a vacation from PKing and became ranchers for a month. Some say it dates all the way back to the formation of the DEM, when a super-sekret Undercover PKer Infiltration Unit was formed. However, one of the most well-known theories (put forth by popular historian Stephen Ambrose) is that it all began when the CGR stole Red Rum's Biscuit Tin.
What is indisputable, however, is that soon after Red Rum's departure from the PKA, the accusation was made that Red Rum was not in reality a PKer group, but instead a DEM Satellite. The term "DEM PANCAKE" was also used, though its meaning seems unclear.
| Headless gunner said: |
| Prehaps Red Rum should just become a survivor group since they enjoy cading and headshotting zombies. That way they could come out of the closet and become a DEM satellite group. Most PKers don't really consider Red Rum a real PKer group anymore anyway |
- On the Brainstock Forum
 |
DEM PANCAKE |
| "This user or group is convinced that Red Rum is a DEM pancake, and wants to cover them in syrup and eat them." |
Tensions further increased when members of the CGR and AoM began to hang nooses in a tree outside Red Rum's school...
Declaration of War
On September the Twenty-Fourth, 2007, at 5:45 local time, the CGR declared an intent to open hostilities against all members of Red Rum.
| Headless gunner said: |
| We no longer consider this group to be composed of PKers, but rather consider it a satelite DEM organization. The fact that many of you are DEM enforcement members and that you are now hosting bounty hunter groups on your forums is not what many now consider to be even remotely reasonable... Red Rum has lost it's way. It has forgotten what a PKer is in Malton... From this point, any member of Red Rum who enters the boundaries of Pitneybank or Peppardville will be subject to PKing by the CGR and our allies. I'm just very disappointed in all of you now. You should be ashamed of what you've become. |
- On the The Player Killer Hub Forum
In addition, the CGR appeared to be declaring war on Bounty Hunters, the DEM, and anyone who keeps a list of known PKers.
The Red Rum reply was short and succinct.
The Sides... or Lack Thereof
On September the Twenty-Fifth, 2007, at 12:47 local time, the CGR Senior Official for the PKA, Franz Molotov posts his willingness to go to war with Red Rum with the following (rather intoxicated sounding) post:
| Franz Molotov said: |
| Well, draw up sides.
Raiders Vs. Rummers! Battle Royal! Who's taken bets :drunk: |
- On the Player Killer Alliance Forum
Karloth vois responds in a dubious manner at best, explaining the rather laissez-faire style of Red Rum does not allow for any "formal" declarations of war. Instead, the (mostly random) killing of individuals (including the leader himself) must suffice.
| Karloth vois said: |
| Nay nay nay! I've always maintained that during a war, sides just are just an unnecessary bureaucratic step. Most individual Rummers have now declared WAR on various things, most of which seem to be myself.
*sigh* Join in! Signing up on the Raiders side is far better for your health, as Rummers don't seem to pay any heed to the things I say. |
- As Responded on the Player Killer Alliance Forum
Indeed, many Rummers seemed to either be entirely apathetic about the war that was rapidly overtaking them, or more interested in shooting their leader than in shooting the CGR.
| b3ardo said: |
| Meh, not really an issue who hunts me... The bullet doesn't care who fires it, and I really don't either. |
| Karloth vois said: |
| Things have got off to a bad start, with several Rummers getting confused and joining the Raiders' side. And damn that new policy! It went horribly horribly wrong. My intention was certainly not to get shot at more. Blasted Rummers... |
- On the Red Rum Forum
Reactions
- Survivors, Zombies, and men dressed up in clown suits have expressed nothing but shock and awe at the brutality.
- Various members of PKA-affiliated PKer groups have expressed enthusiasm at the idea of a war. Much joining of sides and betting on the outcome ensued.
- Red Rum members who were not aware of the escalating conflict often walked into the conversation with a stupor on their face and asked "Hay Guys?"
- Officially, Red Rum's Minister of Information, Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, was interpreted as saying that he denies that Red Rum is in any danger.
| Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf said: |
| "We will welcome them with bullets and shoes." |
The Demands
As the Creedy Guerilla Raiders were the ones that initiated the war, a series of demands were presented to Red Rum which were to be fulfilled for the acceptance of their surrender.
| Secruss said: |
| CGR DEMANDS:
-Red Rum Boards deleted. -Red Rum ceasing to exist as an organization/group/anarcho-syndicalist commune. -Siren's left ear mailed to Benzin with a sincere public apology. -Karloth's new avatar for everywhere is a white flag for at least 3 months. It stays a white flag on the PKA for one year. or this [rainbow] flag... ""Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot." -Exodus |
- As Posted on the Player Killer Alliance Forum
Battles
- The CGR is known to have struck at the airport first, despite the Minister of Information's claims that they never made it anywhere near the airport. A heated battle was fought between Raiders and Red Rum customs agents. The CGR was ultimately defeated, not because of any prowess on the part of the Rummers, but because they were found to be carrying more than 3 oz worth of toothpaste.
- A brave WPKU journalist risked her life to bring us this video footage. It shows an epic battle between two godlike figures: an unidentified Creedy Guerrilla Raider clad in black, and an unknown Red Rummer wearing red (but missing his bowler hat). The outcome of the battle was uncertain, as resultant earth tremors and kamehameha blasts forced the journalist to take shelter on another continent.
Cessation of Hostilities?
After little more than a day after declaration of warfare, the inspiring Red Tape declared a surrender.
| Karloth vois said: |
| Red Rum have been beaten in this war. Through being forced to seek even more revives than usual, we have had a close look at our policies of enjoying this game.
Headless, Red Rum is now ready to see the light! Teach us, for we are noble students. |
- As posted on the Red Rum Forum
However, this was immediately countered in a post below, as Karloth continued in the witty banter so easily identified as his own.
| Karloth vois said: |
| Okay, I'm talking rubbish. Getting shot by people other than Rummers is going to make a nice change, all in all. |
- As posted on the Red Rum Forum
