Suburban Ed's Peasant Militia

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Suburban Ed's Peasant Militia
Abbreviation: SEPM
Group Numbers: 12+
Leadership: Suburban Ed
Goals: Sic Semper Tyrannus (Thus Always To Tyrants)
Recruitment Policy: Must be a freedom fighter, swear undying allegiance to Suburban Ed, and pass the Gauntlet.
Contact: Suburban Ed

Apply Here

He's Suburban Ed. It isn't a goddamn mob unless he's bloody leading it. If he isn't at the front of the damn thing, it's just a drunk, confused, piss poor excuse for a parade.

A well-informed revolutionary

What is the Milita?

The Militia is a loose-knit coalition of dedicated revolutionaries, many who are of noble blood. Their goal is the overthrow of tyrants, through force if necessary, and replacing them with proper leaders who will use their power despotically and rightly.

Any group who imposes their will on the rest of Malton meets our definition of Tyrant, and thus may find themselves in our crosshairs. Tyrants are the reason that the human race is still in the mess it is. It is the tyrants serving as CEOs in the NecroTech company who are responsible for the Zombie Virus, and the tyrants in the military who have imposed their will on all Malton's by imposing this quarantine. Even within Malton there are tyrants. The Peasant Militia will never rest until we have forced these tyrants to yield unconditionally to our demands, whatever we decide those demands to be.

Membership in the Militia is open to those who:

  1. Will swear to fight tyranny in all its forms
  2. Will swear unconditional allegiance to our glorious leader, Suburban Ed
  3. Pass through the Gauntlet alive.

Who is Suburban Ed?

The titular leader of the Peasant Militia is a mysterious figure. His followers say that he was born at the edge of the ancient city of Uruk at the dawn of civilization, his father a temple priest and his mother the goddess Ereshkigal. They claim that he has been with the human race ever since, forever encouraging us to throw off the shackles of oppression and find the strength within us all.

Historians disagree with the Militia's version of the Suburban Ed story, claiming that there are discrepancies in this official biography. There are some who claim Ed to be nothing more than a title, a persona taken on by influential revolutionaries throughout history. Others theorize that there is an organization within the organization, a ruling cabal of string-pullers who manipulate the oppressed and disenfranchised (such as the Peasant Militia itself) into violence, and that the hereditary leader of this cabal is (generation after generation) named Suburban Ed. This latter theory is often dismissed as a baseless conspiracy theory.

First image of Ed?

The Known History of Ed

Since his surge in notoriety in late 2005, Suburban Ed's life has come under scrutiny by many. Odd historical figures who had been puzzling historians for decades were revealed to have actually been Ed himself. In the last two years there has been a race, an academia-wide game of Connect the Dots, to trace Ed's journey through time.

  • Folklorists claim they have discovered the oldest oral record of Ed, which implies he spent years posing as a deity among the Inuit. According to the myth, in a fit of anger he banished an entire tribe from the mainland, and forced them to live the remainder of their lives atop the backs of whales.
Edward of the Outskirts
  • The earliest written recording of Ed is possibly a cave painting found in modern day Iran. The scratch marks accompanying the painting were roughly translated by Dr. Henry Jones Jr. as reading, "My tunic is off, Now I can enjoy my meal-of-quartered-pickle-cucumber in semi-nudity." There is no name. Due to the early date of the painting it is unlikely that it was written by Ed himself, but there are undeniable similarities between it and statements made by Ed later in life.
  • In the year 994 AD, in the Saxon town of Ainsworth, a smith named Ead-Weard led a revolt against his thegn. The rebellion itself was quickly crushed, but its mysterious leader escaped the vengeful huscarls. For the next ten years rumors of Ead-Weard persisted, stories of him living alone in the hills, fighting the servants of the thegn, a Robin-Hood-like figure.
A mysterious figure, stirring the Irish peasants into a frenzy.
  • Two and a half centuries later, in the winter of 1224, a villein named Edward of the Outskirts struck and killed the reeve of Poitiers. His leige lord, Alphonse de Toulouse, dispatched thirty knights to capture him. They were unsuccessful, as Edward had rallied a small army of dispossessed serfs who were sympathetic to his cause. He and his rebel band held off Count Alphonse's men, having barricaded themselves in a seaside lookout tower. After six months Count Alphonse's men broke through, and almost all of the serfs were captured and executed. Edward of the Outskirts himself evaded capture, leaping from the battlements to seemingly certain death in the ocean below.
  • During Great Peasant Rising of 1381, when the Tower of London was stormed and all London was under siege, writer John Gower wrote of a shadowy, mysterious figure who stirred up the populace. No name was given him, though he was referred to as being "Beneath the City."
  • In 1641, Irish records tell us of a landowner from the province of Ulster named Edward Suburbanus. He, along with several Gaelic gentry, were involved in a plot to capture areas of strategic importance by surprise, in an attempt to seize power from the government. When the coup failed, violence broke out between Protestants and Catholics, culminating in the Irish Confederate Wars.
  • In 1921, a man named Suburbania Edvard was a crucial figure in the reestablishment of the independence of Outer Mongolia. Nothing significant is known about him, except for his love of pickle salsa.
  • Analysts of Richard Nixon's administration note that "Suburban Eddie" was the alias the President was using when he was caught attending an illegal cockfight in Tijuana. The source or inspiration for this alias is unknown.
  • In the year 2005, when the city of Malton was quarantined after a breakout of the Necrotech Zombie virus, a man named Suburban Ed appeared in the city. At first he gathered a group of Bounty Hunters and formed a group based in a library. But the longer he spent in Malton, the more he saw the tyranny present even in the midst of an apocalypse. His wargaming warrior friends were no longer enough to stem the tide of oppression. Stepping down from their leadership, he gathered around him a cadre of revolution-minded warriors and set about doing all he could to set the huddled masses free.

Current Targets

  • The C4NT -- Tyrants keep the oppressed multitudes docile by controlling the media. The Channel 4 News Team has held Maltonians' minds in bondage for far too long!
  • The DEM -- This tyrannical group keeps putting our members on their Rogues Gallery list and calling us "PKers," saying that we keep killing "innocent" people. This is a lie. Suburban Ed's Peasant Militia only kills tyrants and feudal lords.
  • The Quartly Study Group -- These drunken librarians hold sway from within a library, dictating rules of literature and poetry to the rest of Malton. We will no longer be slaves to these literary overseers.
  • The Creedy Defense Force -- They dictate who may and who may not stay in their fort. That sounds like a bunch of feudal lords to the Militia.
  • Clan Hometwig -- For ruling their suburb with an iron fist, denying travelers safe passage and/or shelter for the night.
  • The Dribbling Beavers -- For enforcing their so-called Santlerville "Barricade Plan." Who are they to tell someone that they cannot have their own private Extremely Heavily Barricaded Necrotech building? That is a blatant misuse of eminent domain, which constitutes an act of tyranny.

The Gauntlet

In order to become a member of the Militia, one must pass The Gauntlet. This consists of three tasks:

  1. The applicant must spend three days alive in Ridleybank. They may not leave the suburb boundaries at any time, or they will be disqualified. If they are killed, they are disqualified.
  2. The applicant must infiltrate the ranks of Red Rum, one of the largest and most tyrannical PKer groups in Malton. The PKer leadership must not suspect who the applicant really is. Only after the applicant has gotten access to their protected forums will they have passed the second task.
  3. The applicant must kill twenty of the DEM's bounty hunters, the Malton Marshals. When the applicant has brought the ID numbers and screenshots of twenty unique Marshal kills, they will have passed the final task.

This Gauntlet is a requirement to become a member of the Militia. There are no exceptions, except for those who were grandfathered in because they were Militia members before the Gauntlet was established.

Templates and Awards

Mob5.JPG Suburban Ed's Peasant Militia
Down with tyranny! Stop the oppression! This user is a member of that vast mob of pitchfork-and-torch-wielding malcontents known as Suburban Ed's Peasant Militia