Channel 4 News Team

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Channel 4 News Team
Abbreviation: C4NT, but spell out the full name in your profile so everyone knows how Classy you are.
Group Numbers: Gigantic.
Leadership: The Ghost of Ron Burgundy leads us into Glorious Battle.
Goals: To crush Wes Mantooth, see him driven before us, and hear the lamentation of his women.
Recruitment Policy: We need all the Vicious Killers we can get. For your part, just list the group in your profile. Then bring Swift and Hideous Death to your enemies.
Contact: Ron Burgundy is best contacted through conch. If you don't have a conch, try the forum!

...2nd July 2010...The News is Still Breaking...

Just a quick update for anyone stopping by.

Although the Channel 4 News Team is not what it was, it still remains what it always has been. Out there in the city there are a few grim and hardened souls, keeping their pencils sharp and their suits sharper in the face of all kinds of mayhem, madness and mundane reality.

You may have seen them, huddled in a corner, drunk in the front line, looking classy, brawling like fools. Maybe you've even dreamed of joining them....well guess what, you can!!

We aren't organised, we don't run as a unit, you don't follow orders and you are beholden to no one other than the bar tender and the truth.

So, if that sound like a gig for you, put Channel 4 News Team in your group, pick up some smart threads and start breaking out the class.

Of course, if you do want to make your presence known then swing by the forum. Post in the Mead Hall or anywhere inappropriate and let us know what your up to.

Breaking News!

This story comes straight to you from the Bear Pit of Malton Zoo, where our reporter has had one too many scotches, if there is such a thing, and wants to get something of his chest!

"Today I was told a disturbing story, a tale of woe that would leave women tearing out their hair and innocent children crying in their beds. I was told that the News Team were inactive, that the cameras were broken and the teleprompter had stopped rolling. I was told that people wanted to condemn our good looks and smart suits to HISTORY!

I dont know much about history, it happened before I was born. But I do know about His Story, the story of a great man who ruled the air waves in a time when men could play with kittens and knit before going out for a round of Golf, Scotch and Death. His Story is well told, and so it should be, but His Legacy is what counts. The news does not stop because one man stops reading it, no matter how good he looked. His legacy is a Team, a group of beautifully dressed men and women who make you feel involved in a world that stopped caring about you as soon as your hair greyed, your ass sagged and your light dimmed.

His legacy is us, the News Team, your News Team. And we will not stop bringing you the truth from this town untill the last botle has been drained and the last zombie has been flamed. Or until the Networks offer us a ride out of this shithole and a decent healthcare and pension plan.

So don't worry about staying Classy Malton, we've got that covered for you!

This is the Information Minister, inebriated in the Bear Pit of Malton Zoo.

C'mon you big walking carpets, get out of your caves and fight!!!"

So there you have it, the News Team are alive and well and enjoying a picnic at the zoo. Can you feel your hearts warming?

"Every care must be taken that our auxiliaries, being stronger than our citizens, may not grow to be too much for them and become savage beasts." -One of Ron Burgundy's many leather bound books.

"And were a civilized nation engaged with barbarians, who observed no rules even of war; the former must also suspend their observance of them, where they no longer serve any purpose; and must render every action or recounter as bloody and pernicious as possible to the first aggressors." -Another of Ron Burgundy's many leather bound books.

"Yes, I am alone. The last of the Anchormen. I said scotch damnit." -A haiku written by a slightly inebriated Tovarisch Khrushchev of the Channel 4 News Team.

"Survivors of the cataclysm, huddled together around a dying flame, told in hushed voices stories of the Fallen, those that God had forsaken and left to die. Parents told their children the stories to give them a boogeyman to fear, lest they wander outside the buildings at night. But all knew the truth: they were real. They were real, and they were close. Only a few rose up to fight them, rose into the annals of legend. This is their story." -A paragraph from a journal found by Codename GT in the wreckage of Fort Perryn.

The Channel 4 News Team, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy; Champ Kind, Sports; Brick Tamland, Weather; and our reporter in the field, Brian Fantana, was Malton's number one News Team before the Zombie Apocalypse. But the times, they were a-changin'.

One sunny afternoon, while on the way to the suit store, the Channel 4 News Team was ambushed by Malton's own Wes Mantooth and a number of other unsavory characters. What followed was a Glorious Battle worthy, to be sure, of Scipio, himself. There were horses, and a man on fire, and Brick killed a guy with a trident! Then, to the horror of all present, the dead man stood. Sirens sounded in the distance and the survivors scattered. Thus began the Zombie Apocalypse.

Days passed. Champ and Brian went missing, but Brick, our sweet Brick, stayed ever loyal. Then Garth noticed the three hundred very angry Malton...ites outside of the station. They wanted Ron's brains. Realizing our situation and fearing that Wes Mantooth would take over the city, the remaining Channel 4 News Team reporters, studio executives, and cameramen banded together and proceeded to bring Swift and Hideous Death to all that shambles in Malton.

The News- That's 27.04 on your Radio!

I'm Ron Burgundy and this is what's happening in your world, tonight:

Goodbye News Team!

Into Stark Reality! Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you so much for your support, membership, and participation over the last few years in the Glorious exploits of the Channel 4 News Team. From the gin and blood-soaked days of October, 2005, right up to the present, this has been a wild ride- but it's high time I take my leave.

Here's why:

To begin with, I'm not going to be able to return to my previous level of creativity. Anchorman came out in 2004 and ran for 94 minutes. I don't know what that is in Metric Time, but I'm sure all of us can agree that we've gotten a lot of miles out of it.

I'm also going to law school, next year. I know, I can't believe it either! I hear that on the good days, law students have enough time to eat and use the bathroom- and on the bad days, they do the two simultaneously. A BC Law student told me that joke. I laughed, he didn't. Given that, I think it would be wise to allow myself every advantage.

If not for my summer plans, of course, I would continue to be Ron Burgundy until September. The thing is, I've always wanted to be a bum and live out of my car and wander the country. Too bad gas prices are so ridiculous and the Channel 4 News Van gets such lousy mileage. Maybe I'll buy a bike and limit myself to New England. Regardless, if I'm going to be a lawyer with a suit and tie in three years, I'd better hurry up and get my bumming around in now. As you may well imagine, I expect my internet connectivity in the coming months will leave much to be desired.

So, that's about it. Like I said, it's been absolutely wild and I've loved every minute of this- be it while delivering a Swift and Hideous Death to our foes or cackling to myself like a madman while typing things on the wiki. Now, I'm sure many of you are wondering, "Is this the end of the Channel 4 News Team? Will the zombie apocalypse go uncovered and unreported?" Well, I'm afraid I can't answer those questions. I'm leaving it up to my all too capable co-anchors.

Keep an eye out for me, though! I've got a feeling that law school will be as creatively unstimulating as college and I'll end up needing some sort of escape. Chances are, I'll find something new and, with that, fall back into old patterns. If I end up with something fun on the internet, I won't forget to send you guys a link.

And by the way- if you're ever in the Boston College area, come find me! I'm the handsome guy on the right with the size 8 head who can't talk about anything besides skiing- and I'd be glad to grab some ribs and scotch with you as Ron Burgundy or, if you prefer, a burger and beer with you as my far less charismatic, three dimensional alter-ego.

Stay Classy, thanks for everything, and I'll see you guys around! --Ron Burgundy 20:52, 24 April 2008 (BST)

Special Reports- That's 27.04 on your Radio!

Much Ado About Moloch

In our most dangerous interview yet, The Information Minister gets up close and personal with the newest Papa of the RRF. Risking all for the scoop our guy went into deepest Ridleybank with a small team of desperados and literally died for his art!

Information Minister - "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, living and otherwise. We are gathered here tonight to hear from one of Maltons most infamous characters. Some of you fear him, some of you revere him, I give you the Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch!"

IM - "Firstly I'd like to thank you for giving us some of your time and also for suffering the discomfort of the Harman form. I must say however, that you do look magnificent. Were you born with that giant horn or was it surgery? And the whole Minoan look that's really working for you. What was your inspiration?"

Lord Moloch - "Thank you for being here in our beloved homeland. Firstly allow me to apologise for my paltry AP. Papaly duties interfered. My look, or lack of one, is really a combo of laziness and mystery: I appear as you wish me to, for good or for ill. Mostly ill...." More

The Farewell Ceremony to our Most Treasured Anchor

It is with a terrible pain in my loins that I have read the above news brought forth by our very own Papa Burgundy about his passing in to the realm of those strange soulse we call "LAWYERS". Long has been my time with Ron, and long will be my mourning, drinking, and the lamentations of Mantooth's women when he is finally gone from this wretched city. We at the Channel 4 News Team will be lost without him, but we will carry on as we have in past times. Ron is not just a man, an anchor, a mentor, and a leader to us here at Channel 4, he is our face, and though we may now be faceless, we clean up damn good!

As such, we figured it would be unfitting to simply let Ron pass. No, it would be far too simple to let the old man leave without some sort of glorious ceremony, drenched in blood and honor. SO, we here at Channel 4. and all of us in the New Malton Colossus, have decided to send Ron off to Valhalla with a ceremony befitting a king, or at least a really boss warrior.

We invite you to come witness the death of Ron Burgundy at Ackland Mall. No time or date has been specified, but it is to be a farewell bash like none have ever seen! Come and witness as we lay our enemies before us, let Ron drink of their blood, and then slay him, light him on fire, and throw him in to Ackland fountain!

From everyone at Channel 4, here is to you Ron. You've been our best friend, our father, and the classiest dude this city has ever seen. I hope you find your death as entertaining as we found your life! Stay Classy! --Tovarisch Khrushchev 06:28, 29 April 2008 (BST)

It seems the Dead do not share the same sense of honor and glory that we at the News Team possess. They have come to crash our party, and any time we get the banners set up, they tear them back down. Now, on any other day we would simply split our lungs with blood and thunder, then proceed to smite these foul creatures, but these are days of mourning. We have lost our finest, and we are all drunk on the mead of Odin, meant not for mortal tongues, and far too tired from the various acts we have committed unto Mantooths women. Still, be that as it may, we will not retire our posts here at the Ackland Temporary News Desk. Until we can give Ron the viking funeral he deserves, we will continue fighting! I hope we can do it soon though...his body is starting to smell. Stay classy! --Tovarisch Khrushchev 18:16, 6 May 2008 (BST)

The final update to the Burgundy story(or is it?!)

Burgundy is dead. I, Tovarisch Khrushchev, have shot him. It is a sad day indeed, to kill my mentor, but it is what he wanted. He is in a better place now. As our reporter from the front lines, Information Minister, said "He is reporting from the other side now." Wise words, from such a wise little reporter. As we continue to mourn for 42 days, drinking heavily of our mead and sorrows, as is commanded of us in the Big Book of Burgundy:Children's Edition, we plan our next glorious venture, a tribute to our fallen king! We have visited Ackland Mall, The Bear Pit, for his funeral, and now we plan to head to Nichols for his wake. So, brothers, sisters, hermaphrodites all, to Nichols Mall! Stay classy! --Tovarisch Khrushchev 17:40, 18 May 2008 (BST)

From our correspondent in the field, Information Minister!

"Red Panda curled himself up in grief while nursing a toy canteen filled with Chivas Regal"

2nd October 2010

I was dead, and brains were becoming more important than looks in women for me.

This was a bad state of affairs and had to be rectified.

So where do you go when the city's gone to shit and you need to get a needle? Where other than Maltons most famous RP - St Swithuns Churvh in Yagoton, operational hub of the YRC.

They did not disappoint, even with a mini horde rampaging at Bale Mall the service was swift and painless. Once human again I decided to show my appreciation by lending a hand and working the line.

Then, after about a week of injections and chit chat I popped into the church to find none other than Nickolay, my drink sodden friend and fellow newsman sleeping one off in the confessional.

I gave him a kick and a slap, tried pouring holy water on his head, even blew a conch right into his ear, but nothing. I've seen him like this before, shortly after the Russians retook Stalingrad, and short of Hitler sticking a trident up his ass nothing was going to bring him round!

Pulling a blanket around his shoulders I left him to his coma and popped back into Whatmore NT. I asked if the good people there could keep an eye on my classy colleague and patch him up if any of their clients got bitey. Most were on board with this but the doom mongers were having none of it.

'He'll draw in the wrong sort of zombie!', 'It'll be the end of us all', Kill the bastard!!!'

Every day their venomous voices were coming through louder and louder, wailing about their need to cleanse the church of the living by any means necessary. I did what I could. If I saw them shaving I'd replace their mirrors with my naked arse and ask if they could tell the difference. I bent their needles and stole their booze. I argued with the logic of Socrates and the passion of Plato but it was futile. Like demented zealots they were determined to kill Nickolay for the crime of sleeping one off in a church.

What happened next was grim, but there was no way these fuck wits were getting to shoot their load over this C4NT. I mixed a little vodka with my buckshot and emptied both barrels into Nick's still sozzled head. The deed was done, the blight removed and forever more will the News Team view certain members of the YRC with a sense of scathing generally reserved for Mantooth and his Channel 2 ilk.

I know that the majority of them are a classy bunch, but when you have an open door membership policy that doesn't vet applicants on looks and style then what can you expect.

Me and Nickolay have chatted since, and he knew why I did what I did and was glad it was me rather than one of them.

2 days later Whatmore was overrun by the dead, but I was there and saw Zeus riding a horse called Justice at their head.

Stay Classy Malton....or else!

--23skidoo 08:31, 23 March 2008 (UTC) For older field reports, make sure to check our Field Reports Tape Archive. Make reservations for the video machine in advance!

Mall Watch

At Channel 4 it's not all partys, booze and donkey love. We've got a public duty to report the news, as we see it, and get it out to you suckers of the informative nipple. As such we're starting a new service where we'll attempt to bring you status reports on the Malls of Malton, the hub of many a community and still the second best place to buy a new pair of pants!

The updates will let you know how fresh the reports are. Some will glow with the honest light of truth, others will reek with the fetid stench of and old paper. As the dead move pretty fast in this town Channel 4 cannot be held responsible for the accuracy of the information and will not be held libel for any injurys suffered whilst visiting a 'safe' mall.

All freelance reports will be accepted and paid for at the usual rate. You can collect your peanuts at the Zoo.

Blesley Mall - Gulonside

Caiger Mall - Chudleyton

Mitchem Mall - Vine Town

Marven Mall - South Blythville

Buckley Mall - Buttonville

Tompson Mall - Lockettside

Pole Mall - West Grayside

Joachim Mall - Penny Heights

Lumber Mall - Penny Heights

Woodroffe Mall - Tollyton

Hildebrand Mall - Roftwood

Nichols Mall - Stanbury Village Kilt Store is open for business

Tynte Mall - Pimbank

Ackland Mall - Havercroft Standing strong

Giddings Mall - Pitneybank

Dowdney Mall - Santlerville

Stickling Mall - Shearbank

Bale Mall - Yagaton

Calvert Mall - Gatcombeton

Treweeke Mall - Dulston

Various Interviews

"You know the suburb rating system is flawed!" -An Interviewee.

A few months back, the Channel 4 News Team started interviewing Malton's living, dead, and undead. After all, we're a News Team and if that hideous freak Larry King can do it, so can we! Anyhow, time passed and we've been getting more and more of these things. Previously, we've sat down ZombieMcAllen of the Undeaedites, Sonny Corleone of the RRF, and Bullgod of the latest Strike. There have also been several "guest speakers" on the forums, come to tell tales of the early days of Urban Dead! Those might just make the wiki someday, but as of now, they've got more to do with the Quartly Study Group.

Moving on, today, we're adding two more interviews to the pile: one with the Mall Tour's Xyu and another with Jorm, who created Nexus War. They're both short, interesting reads- especially if you've ever wondered how to pronounce "Xyu." Unfortunately, we're running out of space. As such, the hosting method has been changed. From now on, all interviews will be posted on the Exclusives page, as before, but we won't have excerpts on the main wiki page. Instead, we'll have a simple, elegant, Classy list.

  • ZombieMcAllen of the Undeadites: ZombieMcAllen discusses gin and hair with the Channel 4 News Team's very own Ed Harken. This was our first, groundbreaking interview! You can read the full interview here
  • Sonny Corleone, the second leader of the RRF: Sonny discusses other RRF leaders and general UD politics. You can read the full interview here
  • Bullgod, from the Strike in early 2007: Bullgod talks about why there survivors outnumber zombies in a zombie apocalypse. This one was conducted by the Channel 4 News Team's very own Comrade Tovarisch Khrushchev. You can read the full interview here
  • Xyu, from various Mall Tours and Bashes both great and small: Xyu finally tells us how to pronounce his name. Turns out, I'd been confusing him with the Scientology thing. So before you read any further, no, Xyu does not claim divinity. You can read the full interview here
  • Jorm, the creator of Nexus War: Jorm was kind enough to sit down with DHG to discuss zombies and the weather. You can read the full interview here
  • Murray Jay Suskind, the fourth Papa of the RRF: MJS has a pleasant talk with Lachryma about giant undead lobsters, what's up with the RRF right now, and Yahoomas. This lovely interview can be viewed in its entirety here.
  • Bullgod gave the Channel 4 News Team a second, ad hoc interview in December of 2007 when Jon Pyre spotted him outside Fort Perryn. You can read the interview right here.
  • Lord Moloch took some time out from being the head honcho of the RRF to be interviewed by our correspondent in the field, Information Minister. The full interview can be read Here

And that's it for now! This will be updated from time to time with a corresponding update in the "Breaking News" section above. Anyone interested in having an interview for himself is more than welcome to stop by the forums and request it! Special thanks to the News Team corrispondents who gave the interview as well as the zombies who sat down for them. Odin knows it's tough for a zombie to sit still while there are delicious brains about, but dammit, those brains are beneath some of the best kept hair in Malton!

New Template, Hell Yeah!

Some Scotch and nothing much else has produced the following:

Trident.jpg Channel 4 News Team Affiliate
This user or group entered Glorious Battle beside the Channel 4 News Team. There were horses and a man on fire and this user or group killed a guy with a trident. Afterward, we could barely lift our arms because we killed so many zombies. I don't know if you heard us counting. We killed over 1,000.

Add it to your page, if you like, by writing {{Channel4NewsTeam}} on the wiki (it's case sensitive)! Show everyone how Classy you are! You don't have to be a Channel 4 News Team member to use it, all you've got to do is kill someone with a trident and be an affiliate, which means nothing (that and you've got to want us to get more web traffic).

Update: I changed the colors around a bit. I think it looks somewhat Classier this way, what with using the original colors from the movie. Also, I changed it so that if you click the links on it while on this page, it will take you to my user page and if you click the links on it while on another page, you will come to this page. Because wiki links to page x which are hosted on page x appear bold, it made the size different and screwed up the image. I fixed that using my cunning. The template above is the same one you'll get if you host it on your page, the links are just different.
Update: Cyberbob240 and Xoid helped me out some by making it look Classier and websafe. This is the new version.

Also in the news, the zombie apocalypse is still underway. I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay Classy, Malton.


The Channel 4 News Team's Glorious History

The Formation of a Group

Ron Burgundy first learns of the zombie apocalypse.

The History of the Channel 4 News Team as a zombie-fighting organization started outside Caiger Mall, during the first siege. Great Odin's Raven, there sure were a lot of zombies out there! But not all hope was lost for Malton's survivors. Take heed, for this was a time before radios, a time when the local anchorman reigned supreme. And in Malton, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He and his devoted News Team were like gods walking amongst mere mortals. Yes, the Channel 4 News Team was the balls.

In Caiger, the fighting was horrible; the Death, Swift and Hideous. Shortly after the battle began, Ron Burgundy offered anyone interested in rejoining the world of the living the opportunity to do so, should they shamble on over to St. Isidore's Church. There, the Channel 4 News Team danced and sang and drank mead with the gods. In this, we were so effective that, as one survivor pointed out, zombies could "enjoy the equal likelihood of a peaceful return to life at the point of a needle or a sharp headshot at the hands of the Channel 4 News Team, led by the most bodacious Ron Burgundy."

A member of the Channel 4 News Team chooses his victim in Glorious Battle, during the First Siege of Caiger Mall.

Following the first Siege of Caiger Mall, the News Team did what it could to maintain phone connectivity in the Caiger Mall area- but this would not please the Gods, who demanded blood. Therefore, Ron Burgundy locked himself away in his study, scrutinizing his many leather bound books so as to amend Our Cunning Plan such that when in Rome. Unfortunately, as Bob Dylan wrote, "the times, they are a-changin." Wes Mantooth's hatchet men had begun running around Caiger and it looked like the zombies were coming back, this time in the form of a Mall Tour.

What were we to do? Sit there, sick for escape, loathing the strangled horror and butchered, frantic gestures of the dead?![1] Never- and on the contrary, The News Team delights in battle! In short order, the zombies in the Mall Tour were driven before us. So Glorious was this Battle that the Channel 4 News Team followed the Mall Tour's remnants, now calling themselves "The Shining Ones," into Dunell Hills to fight the DHPD.

The News Team Moves Out

I'm told, "the zombie of The Shining Ones likes to eat the brain of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner." Dunell Hills ran out of brains and The Shining Ones left before the Channel 4 News Team could arrive in force. There was no Glorious Battle. We were stood up. And we at the Channel 4 News Team didn't like it. What's more, we did something about it- because last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy!

The Channel 4 News Team arrives in Yagoton with the intention of bringing Swift and Hideous Death to all that smells of Desire in Bale Mall.

So we followed the bastards to Yagoton- and boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast. I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you've got to do when you find yourself in a vicious cockfight. But I digress! Back to the point! Members of the Channel 4 News Team are good at three things: fighting, screwing, and reading The News- and in Yagoton, we engaged in all three of our numerous talents alongside the Classy YRC.

Incidentally, it was after this fight that we first developed our strictly offensive style of fighting- that is, our tendency to look for zombies rather than waiting for them to come to us. Take heed, for we went into Glorious Battle in the name of Odin! What possible use had we for a mall or a suburb? "None," Ron Burgundy dared say! If a place contains no zombies, so too should it contain no zombie hunters. To this day, the Channel 4 News Team has no territorial claims and goes wherever there is Glorious Battle to be found. For a while longer, though, we brought both life and death to the residents of Yagoton, working with the Yagoton Revivification Clinic, on one hand; the angry residents of Yagoton, on the other; and the Malton Rangers, on both.

Events Surrounding the Battle of the Bear Pit

Odin brings a fallen member of the Channel 4 News Team to Valhalla during the Battle of the Bear Pit.

Following our actions in Yagoton, we headed south. Odin delights in Battle. Though there was much Glory in Yagoton, the fight ended. Thus, the opportunity to please Odin passed on- and the Channel 4 News Team finds no happiness in rest. Therefore, we moved on to engage in Glorious Battle elsewhere, preferably with Wes Mantooth. But alas! He seemed to have lost himself in the midst of this zombie apocalypse. Still, he was no doubt skirting the edge of his turf, like always. We knew that Wes wasn't in Barrville. There was nothing for him in Barrville. Wes wanted brains. He'd be in a suburb with survivors. Richmond Hills and Havercroft seemed likely, though they turned out to be completely devoid of life.

Oblivious to this, we of the Channel 4 News Team assumed the worst, armed ourselves to the teeth, and proceeded to show the zombies in Richmond Hills just how good we look- and make no mistake about it, for Malton had been a post-apocalyptic city for nigh on a year, and our suits still made Frank Sinatra look like a hobo. What followed has been immortalized as the Battle of the Bear Pit.

When we entered Richmond Hills and Havercroft, there was not a single barricade standing. When we left, everything was nailed down good and proper! Ackland Mall, which had formerly been home to over 200 zombies, was full of survivors and Odin was pleased. To celebrate this, the Channel 4 News Team bought new suits in Hildebrand Mall. Then, looking even Classier than before, planned to make our moves on the surrounding suburbs. Thus, Hildebrand was to be a springboard to greater things. Unfortnuately, the RRF, DOA, Shining Ones, and Ackland Abattoir had forgotten just how good we looked in our old suits. By the grace of Odin, therefore, we returned to Ackland Mall to remind them! Over the next few weeks, we put a lot of zombie faces through car windshields. One of us even took Dorothy Mantooth out to a nice seafood dinner and never called her again! What followed was the second half of the Battle of the Bear Pit, which resulted in another survivor victory- this time, a decisive one. There were flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we danced until the sun rose. And then our children formed a family band!

All, it seemed, that was left to do was tour the countryside- beginning in Barrville, a suburb almost as dangerous as Havercroft was, way back when we first entered it. Several members of the Channel 4 News Team and our various allies in the New Malton Colossus were already in the area, driving our foes before us as the zombies made a hasty retreat from Ackland Mall. The mood was tense, just as an invasion of Barrville should be! I had been on some serious, serious reports, but nothing quite like this. Petro... Petrosjko was inside right then! I tried to get an interview with him, but they said "Nope, you can't do that, he's a live zombie, he will literally rip your face off." It was a great story, compelling and rich.

A Fall of Sorts

A member of the Channel 4 News Team receives Odin's Love outside Ackland Mall.

We made some definite progress there, but quickly found it to be a war of attrition. Having no interest in such a fight, we moved into Ridleybank, itself. But many of the locals there were unfriendly. They said, "We bears are a proud race- the Channel 4 News Team must pay for its intrusion!" Just when we were getting ready to send them to Valhalla, we were struck from behind! A new zombie organization, the Big Bash, hit Ackland Mall and our Classy friends there were looking to be in dire straits.

Therefore, we fell back from Barrville and Ridleybank, expecting the Desire outside Ackland to be even greater. Unfortunately, we came too late and, to everyone's shock, it seemed that the survivors in Ackland had only days to live. Our fears were soon realized and, just as we arrived, the mall was ransacked. The News Team suffered heavy losses and split up. Our dead headed off to Yagoton, for a revive, and the survivors fell back to Nichols Mall, in Stanbury Village, which followed in Ackland's footsteps within a few days.

At about this time, things had begun looking bad for survivors and half of Malton was officially "very dangerous" on the suburb map. What was worse, zombies outnumbered Survivors 2:1. To deal with this, the Channel 4 News Team enacted a new phase in Our Cunning Plan. We immediately set about figuring out what to do when one finds himself in a spiritual and existential funk. Normally, we'd buy new suits, but one can't very well wander the streets of a city full of the living dead, looking for a suit store. With nothing better to do, therefore, we went to the zoo and fliped off the monkeys.

The Channel 4 News Team's return to Glory

An artist's conception of how good we looked in South Blythville.

Unfortunately, all the monkeys in the zoo seemed to be zombified and the place turned out to be a pretty dangerous. So, rather than flipping off the monkeys, we drove them before us in a suitable manner. There were no bears (I believe they hibernate).

When that was over and done, Ed Harken, one of our studio executives, brought us an urgent and horrifying news story! Survivors in South Blythville had been attempting to retake Marven Mall as a foothold in Malton's devastated southwest. The same sort of efforts were underway in Ackland Mall. Both areas had become the centers of reconstruction efforts and the zombies have taken note of that. As such, Wes Mantooth's men redoubled their efforts to destroy both suburbs. We here at the Channel 4 News Team don't much like that- and we were going to do something about it!

Swift and Hideous Deaths were given to the zombies outside the two malls and as go the malls, so go the suburbs. Within a few days, both South Blythville and Havercroft were places of Class and the Channel 4 News Team saw fit to move on. Take heed, for we are Vicious Killers blessed by Odin and have no use for a mall without zombies! Indeed, the zombies of South Blythville and Havercroft had been completely driven before us. A member of the Channel 4 News Team by the name of Furious George reported that he has brought a Swift and Hideous Death to the final zombie standing outside Marven Mall. In fact, the place became so safe that a few survivors took the opportunity to sleep under the stars and have a little woodsy adventure. There were still a good ten standing outside of Ackland, but a mere ten zombies are not nearly enough to satisfy the Gods.

Ten zombies are not even enough to satisfy our own friends and members! Tyler Whitney0, who has been following us for a while, said it best: "Following the Channel 4 News Team is the only way I'm assured to be in worse danger than I can handle." This sort of danger, as Fortuna314 pointed out, "is like being strapped to the underside of a Ferrari; fun with a dash of ohshitoshitohshit." That's exactly the sort of thing we intend to find in the next phase of Our Cunning Plan.

The Battle of Blackmore

Ron Burgundy gives Blackmore a long, sad stare before being dragged off to his death.

With that, we went back to what we were doing before the Big Bash came around- and by Lincoln's beard, Ridleybank turned out to be dangerous! I mean, that place is really, really... well, lets just say, the Good Ship Diversity doesn't sail there often. The zombies in Ridleybank are massive! They look a lot smaller from the safety of Ackland. But, of course, they're just zombies. They've got a brain that's one third the size of ours. It's science.

What came turned out to be quite a battle- there were flutes and trombones, as usual, but there was also a grotesque displays of Desire and various invocations of obscure Norse Gods. Before we attacked Ridleybank, we warned the RRF, "Watch out for the Guns! They'll get ya. The thing is, we have very little time to go to the gym, so we have to sculpt out guns in your suburb." And so began the Battle of the Blackmore! And what a battle it was! In the beginning of things, a third of us were dead at any given moment. As things leveled out, though, we and our allies together numbered over 200, though we were regularly taking on about 300 zombies.

For two months, things went on like this. The RRF and the Feral Undead, the second and third largest zombie groups in the game, respectively, were basically powerless. All our victory lacked was a surrender. The Big Bash, itself, had even announced plans to come to town. The gritty survivors inside the Blackmore Building were, effectively, about to take on nearly every zombie group in Malton. But then, Wes Mantooth reared his ugly head. A new horde, Shacknews, came out of nowhere and broadsided us; they attacked all at once; 9:00 PM. Within a few hours, the Blackmore had fallen.

And what of it? We had our Thermopylae. Over 400 zombies and two months of siege! A battle more Glorious had never been fought. Getting destroyed in our sleep was the only thing disappointing. It made the whole thing feel incomplete. But when in Rome!

That's all well and good, Ron, but how can I join your Righteous Army?

A member of the Channel 4 News Team prepares himself for Glorious Battle.

If you're interested in joining up with the Channel 4 News Team, just write "Channel 4 News Team" under the "group" heading in your profile. The Channel 4 News Team is looking for every single Vicious Killer it can get its hands on, so as to better execute Our Cunning Plan. That is to say, we need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. When this whole zombie thing is over, we should all get an apartment together! Well, that's neither here nor there.

I should mention that Zombie Apocalypses, it seems, make all men equal. Membership, therefore, is not restricted to anchormen (though a certain pirate hooker need not apply). Even the lowly, nameless cameraman may join us in Glorious Battle.

Remember, News Team, there is but one rule- no touching of the hair or face. Beyond that, we observe no commercials, no mercy.