Channel 4 News Team/Much Ado About Moloch
In our most dangerous interview yet, The Information Minister gets up close and personal with the newest Papa of the RRF. Risking all for the scoop our guy went into deepest Ridleybank with a small team of desperados and literally died for his art!
Information Minister - "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, living and otherwise. We are gathered here tonight to hear from one of Maltons most infamous characters. Some of you fear him, some of you revere him, I give you the Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch!"
IM - "Firstly I'd like to thank you for giving us some of your time and also for suffering the discomfort of the Harman form. I must say however, that you do look magnificent. Were you born with that giant horn or was it surgery? And the whole Minoan look that's really working for you. What was your inspiration?"
Lord Moloch - "Thank you for being here in our beloved homeland. Firstly allow me to apologise for my paltry AP. Papaly duties interfered. My look, or lack of one, is really a combo of laziness and mystery: I appear as you wish me to, for good or for ill. Mostly ill."
IM - "You are the 5th Papa of the RRF. What do you feel you can bring to the 'Bank that your predecessors have not?"
LM - "The Papas of the past were a contrary bunch and I am no exception. Murray and Petro were charismatic, Sonny bombastic, Patrucio a liberal reformer. Me? I'm more scholarly and tactical. More Machiavellian. In truth I'm probably more like Jorm or Grim than any of the previous papa. I'm a general rather than a President. I pride myself on ruthlessness, cunning and opportunism. I also think it's safe to say that I'm second only to Sonny on the Papaly unpopularity stakes where our noble enemies are concerned."
IM - "I notice that you have a very imperial presence about you. Is this related to the perceived aggressive 'defence' of your homeland. I always thought that the RRF was there to claim Ridleybank and to stop the humans from populating it. When did the resistance stop and the offensive begin? It seems now though that you are bent on destruction and expansion into all parts of central Malton. Some have even likened your foreign policy with that of the US of A."
LM - "Ah, you see that was the first idea, but we've achieved that. I believe in zombie imperialism. I believe in cutting open every human to expose the zombie within. You breathers seem to love coming to Ridleybank, so I believe in taking Ridleybank to you."
IM - "If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a little bit about zombie life. I've tried it myself on a couple of occasions but it wasn't to my liking. I found that my hair become unimportant, the shine on my shoes irrelevant and that I was suddenly interested in women only for their brains. Do you still feel the need for romance, culture and humour? Do you never get bored with a limited vocabulary and diet?"
LM - "People say 'Empire' like it's a bad thing, but the Romans brought sanitation and higher living standards to Europe. We at the RRF intend to bring ruination and non-existent living standards to Malton. I think that you'll see the benefit soon enough. You forget that I am a death cultist. I enjoy the finer parts of all. I enjoy fine literature, food and music as much as I enjoy your flesh and your screams. As for romance, the Gore Corps attracts many fine young ladies to our bloodied banner."
IM - "I have to admit, I'd take warm and cozy over cold and bereft any day. I'm not entirely sure the people at home will take comfort from hearing Motzart as they are mauled, but I guess it may ease the pain a little"
IM - "Why is it, do you think, that where other groups generally diminish through time and changes of leader, your group has not. I speak from experience here, since Ron left these shores the News Team is but a shadow of it's former self, still classy only on a much smaller scale."
LM - "The RRF benefits from openness and clarity in both objective and membership. To be in the RRF all you need do is wear the tag and patrol the 'Bank. Even if the rest of the horde is in Dulston you'll still be a valuable member of the horde, doing RRF work. This continues onto our forums. Whilst we have many shadowed layers at the heart of it all, the main horde, is an openness which comes from having a completely open forum and membership. You don't even need to sign in to know most of what's up with us."
IM - "Channel 4 was similar, carry the camera, listen for the Conch and generally be classy. Simplistic and stylish yet we have failed where you and few others have flourished."
LM - "But then we have a home. C4NT are essentially transient. We offer a certain stability which remains in place even when the leaders change. Ridleybank is always there, always seeking new zombies. We don't provide a mere job: We provide a home and a family"
IM - "Talking of homes...We have in the audience tonight one of the staff from the Kilt Store in Nichols Mall. Do you have an apology for them for recently, and continually, destroying their merchandise and messing up their cash flow?"
LM - "I have no apology. The Kilt Store are squatter on RRF land. I have never received a penny in rent for their skirt peddling, so we are acting as bailiffs and recovering our land. They can feel free to keep the skirts though. We have no need of them."
IM - "Out of interest, did you ever get a chance to meet, or eat, Burgundy. And if so, did he leave any lasting impressions on you."
LM - "I shot him in the Morrish Building at the Battle of Giddings. He left lasting bloodstains on my flesh and the reek of scotch in my nostrils. I was thus able to tick him off my list of famous people to kill in Malton."
IM - "Is there anything you would like to know about us and our ways? And do you ever think there could come a day when Man and Zombie could live side by side, with nobody killing nobody?"
LM - "One day there will be peace: A perfect, deathly peace. You see, everyone dies. One way or another, you will become like us. I just hope that we are the ones who induct you into our ways, forever."
IM - "Well, I think that about concludes things for tonight. I’d like to thank the denizens of Ridleybank for their hospitality and not eating us, and Lord Moloch for giving up his time and a little bit of himself. This is the Information Minister, reporting live, for now, from the famous Blackmore Building in Ridleybank for the Channel 4 News Team."
To view this interview in technicolour, click here.
