User:Ron Burgundy

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RonBurgundyTemplate.jpg I'm Ron Burgundy?
This user isn't sure if he claims to be Ron Burgundy.

The False World

Ron Burgundy enjoys a glass of scotch. His hair is perfect. Incidentally, Ron Burgundy is also a bad ass. He is easily eight feet tall and must weigh in excess of three hundred pounds. One look at him and it seems clear, this man eats nothing but ribs and washes it down with nothing but Scotch. But your eyes deceive you, for Ron Burgundy regularly drinks the coagulated blood of his zombie foes and has recently taken to eating nails and broken glass. It hurts, but in a good way.

Clearly, at eleven feet tall, Ron Burgundy is like a God walking among mere mortals. And indeed, it would be easy to make such a mistake. Burgundy carries the very Trident of Poseidon in his left hand and the very Scotch Glass of Mephistopheles in his right. He's ambidextrous. They say he once ate the heart of a Pirate Hooker and let the blood drip down to his children for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But Ron Burgundy, though virile, has no children.

Indeed, there is no time for children in a world full of foul, loathsome zombies! There is time only to please the Gods! That is to say, there is time only to bring one's foes a Death that is both Swift and Hideous.

It is this task which has brought the Channel 4 News Team out of their studio and into the abandoned streets of Malton! Things really escalate around here. I mean, things really get out of hand fast. In fact, this one time, Brick killed a guy. He just ran the guy right through with Ron's trident! Then, dropping the still-warm corpse to the ground, pointed at his next victim and yelled, "I will feel her blood on my hands- Tonight at seven o'clock, eight central."

The Real World

I'm Ron Burgundy?

All but three of the following are true:

  1. I am formerly a resident of Delaware and currently a resident of New Hampshire, though I spend a good deal of his time in Rhode Island.
  2. I am a massive Dead Head with a collection of live Grateful Dead music totaling over 4,400 hours (acquired legally). Just to give you some idea of how much that is, if I started listening on August 1 and continued listening for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, never repeating a single note, I'd finish on August 3- of the following year. No, I have not listened to all of it. Yes, I intend to.
  3. Despite the aforementioned fact, I do not have a serious drug problem.
  4. That's me on the right in 2004. I'm standing on an iceberg.
  5. I once drank a lot of rum in Boston and woke up in Albany.
  6. I once drank a lot of rum in Albany, intending to somehow return to Boston, and woke up in Providence.
  7. I once drank a lot of rum in Providence, intending to somehow return to Boston, and woke up in Albany.
  8. Some people think I have my shit together. They are wrong.
  9. A member of Jordanian royalty once made crude sexual advances toward me.
  10. I don't actually drink scotch. In fact, I don't drink any hard alcohol. My body is a temple (of beer).
  11. My grandfather was murdered. We were all very confused. Turns out, Gramps was a "collector" for the Canadian mob. When asked if this was true, my great uncle said only, "He shoulda ducked."
  12. I once punched Bill O'Reilly in the head.
  13. My dog is on prescription Xanax. It helps him deal with his various phobias.
  14. Every morning, when I take my shower, I close my eyes and crouch in the "naked Terminator" pose. After a few seconds, I begin to envision Arnie or that guy from the second movie and start humming the theme song. I then slowly rise to my feet and open my eyes. Sometimes, the shower curtain gets stuck to my leg and that kinda ruins the fantasy. Otherwise, it helps me get through the day.
  15. I am an avid alpine skier and particularly enjoy skiing through densely wooded, unmarked areas. I frequently hit rocks and trees, both fallen and standing.
  16. I have never been hospitalized.
  17. I'm pretty sure that I have social anxiety disorder and am considering swiping my dog's Xanax.
  18. I was recently at the top of a mountain- Mount Washington, specifically. It's 6288 feet tall. Anyway, you can drive most of the way up, which is pretty tacky, but the road ends about 200 feet from the actual summit. So I climbed the rest of the way to the top of the mountain and upon a large rock- the highest point in the Northeastern United States- I placed a smaller rock. Thus, Mount Washington is now 6289 feet tall.
  19. Despite having no interest in baseball, I participated in several minor riots in Boston, when the Red Sox won the world series.
  20. I have been shot at on two separate occasions.
  21. Ken Kesey named his bus "Further." I have named my car "Farther." I feel that it's more accurate.
  22. During my junior year of college, I lived in an apartment with an amateur porn star, her thug boyfriend (a wanted felon), and his posse of between 6 and 8 lesser thugs.
  23. I wear a size 7 and 3/4 hat (hat sizes go up to 8).
  24. I was once called "Ron Burgundy" in bed. She caught herself about midway through the "undy" part and later denied it, but I know what I heard.
  25. I have never actually seen the movie, Anchorman.

Guess which are false and you win! Of course, if you're able to do that, then you should probably stay the hell away from my thoughts and tell your friends at the NSA to do the same.

A fan- and quite a fan, at that.

Trident.jpg Channel 4 News Team Affiliate
This user or group entered Glorious Battle beside the Channel 4 News Team. There were horses and a man on fire and this user or group killed a guy with a trident. Afterward, we could barely lift our arms because we killed so many zombies. I don't know if you heard us counting. We killed over 1,000.

Rhodes2.JPG A Colossus Of Class
This user or group is part of the New Malton Colossus.
Bringing Glorious Battle to you since 2006.

Blackmore Bastard Brigade.JPG Blackmore Bastard
The Blackmore Bastard Brigade forced the RRF to lay siege to their own NecroTech- and that's why this user proudly wears their badge. It's in the form of a small button on his lapel. God, that lapel looks good. Staggeringly good.

8/18/06 - 10/13/06

"Rahn Barganbah? Mrh rah Rahn Hambargarbah!" -A zombie, during the Battle of the Bear Pit

"Those waiting at St. Isidore's Church can enjoy the equal likelihood of a peaceful return to life at the point of a needle or a sharp headshot at the hands of the Channel 4 News Team, led by the most bodacious Ron Burgundy." -Blutraski, during the first Siege of Caiger Mall

"I always knew I'd shoot you in a mall liquor store, Burgundy." -Zaruthustra, upon finding me in Ackland Mall after a week's pursuit

"I put my head to the cades and listened to the growing wind....ron is back it whispered, Ron is Back it proclaimed, RON is BACK it roared! And so would I be, back with the team, drinking, filming, filming us drinking, drinking while filming and making San Diego proud!" -23skidoo rejoices, October of 2007