The Caiger Family

The Caiger Family is a family more of legend than actual history, though like most legends there are some elements of truth to them. The actual dedication of Caiger Mall was made to Dean Caiger, a botanist who spent much of his life studying and splicing tulips- nothing like the legends say to fear. Yet his family tree is a very interesting one in that a large portion of it is as close to completely without record as can be hoped. The only record ever found out about them is an old legend- and like most legends, it is only skeptically accurate and thus not regarded as fact by the historical community.

Apocalypse Story #53 of the Funky Prophet; as recorded by Dr. Twycross:

Near the beginning of the second millennium, there lived a dark wizard in the land along the Mediterranean Sea. This wizard, known only by his family name of "Caigre," was the source of many disturbing stories among the local population. They spoke of evil experiments in the depths of the night; of beloved animals gone missing; and of demons dancing on the battlements of the wizard's castle.

The First Crusade came along and even the alleged strength of the wizard Caigre could not resist the armed might of Europe and the Church. But when knights stormed his castle prepared for a magical battle, they found only the remains of his experiments. Caigre had escaped.

The remains of the experiments were disturbing: hundreds of human and animal heads cut up into sections or smashed; corpses with dozens of darts sticking out of the necks; mannequins arrayed in rows; curved swords of a foreigns style kept in an armoury; and even a room filled with 900 long coats of a button-up style that had never been seen before.

The name "Caigre" resurfaced 300 years later in Ireland. The world would believe that it was not the same man--it was a descendant--but the world is wrong. The dark wizard Caigre began a new reign of terror in Ireland before moving 150 years later to England.

Shortly thereafter, the name vanished again.

Yet I see that the spirit of Caigre follows us still. The evil experiments of the wizard have yielded supernatural results. And when the apocalyptic wars begin, the demons of Caigre will exert their full power in fighting the physical and spiritual evolution of humanity. These demons will be the greatest enemy of civilization.

The demons will teach the unenlightened to damage the head of the evolved and cause them great pain. Needles from the demons will revert an evolved one into an unevolved being. Katanas will chop off the limbs of the true family. Faceless robots will fight them in the streets. And the badge of the enemy, the trenchcoat, will be filled with the dark ignorant power of Caigre.

These evil powers, scary thought they be, will be no match for the claws, teeth, and appetites of the evolved ones. Except in one area. This one area will become a citadel of the unevolved human--and not just any citadel, but the ultimate stronghold. The ultimate seat of darkness. This citadel contains the spirit of the ancient wizard Caigre.

And though every other citadel will fall before the might of the enlightened, the Caigre Citadel will hold using the power of robots and katanas and trenchcoats and cursed darts.

But hope is not lost! For Caigre will fall--not in a physical battle as most of the world will, but in a spiritual battle. The residents of the citadel will grow divided as first a few, then many more learn to desire the evolution offered by the enlightened. A battle will take place, pitting comrade against comrade, until finally it is only the seekers after evolution that still stand. They will throw the brutes into the waiting arms of the enlightened before throwing themselves after. From then on Caigre will stand empty, robbed of its power. And the Caigre enlightened will be critical in winning the world.

But until the time that Caigre enlightens itself, none of the evolved must ever attack the citadel; for such attacks are completely doomed.

The name the Caigre Citadel goes by in our time is Caiger Mall. Take heed, you enlightened and evolved--leave Caiger Mall alone.