The Malton Observer/072308

Malton Observer: July 23rd, 2008

News at a Glance

Notes From Darby Campus

Interview with Uncle Zeddie

After "Aftershock"

Whatever That Means! (Q&A)

Fun Corner

News at a Glance

• NecroTech study finds that 6% of all zombies are vegetarian.
• TMO's own Seryna and Dr. Wolf replace outgoing RalphTheWonderLlama as academy co-commandants.
• Fire Marshall Deadhorn replaces outgoing P4X639 as Southeast Battalion Chief.
• Ashate is always right, testing confirms.
• The Dead membership drop slows; only 62 lost in the last 3 weeks.

Notes From Darby

Welcome to Notes from Darby, which I will try to write for every other issue of The Malton Observer that briefly lets you know a bit about what's going on at Darby Campus and perhaps other things that come to mind. That said, let's get on with it!

Currently we are in the middle of July and our numbers at Darby are still down. Most likely it's simply because of it being summer and people have better things to do. In any event, because of low numbers, we're pretty much only operating in areas that are relatively devoid of zombie activity. That's not too say it's completely green, but this area is not very threatening. If we had a few more cadets, I think it would be feasible to work in much more dangerous areas.

Now to my main point of this article, which is the instructing staff at Darby. LI Allison Wolf, FI bank1, AI Goofy McCoy, and myself (AI Choppers McGee) have been together for quite a long time. (There was a brief time that bank1 was gone and Cullaine filled in for him, but Cullaine went AWOL and bank1 eventually returned.) I believe there are some definite advantages to being with the same instructors for such a long time.

First of all, when you are around each other, it becomes easier to anticipate the opinions and philosophies of the other instructors. We are pretty laid back at Darby, and all are pretty agreeable with one another on how to handle instruction, discipline, and other such issues. Just knowing and anticipating this can make it easier to run the campus.

Secondly, the same instructor staff for such a long time makes it very easy for one of us to fill in for another. For instance, if LI wolf is gone, it is not very difficult for one of the rest of us to step in and take over her role. Of course, this probably should occur no matter how experienced an instructor crew is, but greater experience does make it run much more smoothly.

Lastly, our longevity together gives some consistency to how Darby runs. In the past there have been instances in other campuses where there have been instructors that left with little notice, which leave other instructors with a burden to carry. Of course, there are always circumstances that make it impossible to foresee an absence, but I have seen times when instructor turnover happens on a regular basis. We've been very lucky for this not to have happened at Darby.

Obviously, not all campuses are able to have the same instructor team for long periods of time. I consider myself very fortunate to be working with the same people the whole time I've been an instructor at Darby.

Until next time.

-Choppers McGee

Interview with Uncle Zeddie

Malton Observer: Let's start simple, who are you and what do you do?

"Uncle Zeddie": My name is Michael Corsair, your Uncle Zeddie, I host Malton's favourite pirate radio broadcast, Radio Survivor. Radio Survivor is a weekly news and commentary show dedicated to you - the hard working survivors working hard to keep our fair Malton beautiful and safe.

MO: It must be tough being a beacon of hope for all of us survivors. How do you relax after a hard day of giving us hope?

UZ: It's all about the looting. The thrill of the hunt, the frantic snatch and grab in the midst of the chaos of flailing limbs, the scrum-like shoving match to get free of the crowds - it's exhilarating. You might think that my first order of business is finding a new transmitter, but a man's got to have his priorities. For this radio pirate the top of the agenda is looting the things necessary for a little "me time"; a long shiatsu massage, followed by a full body mudpack and a facial complete with cucumber slices over my eyes. It's only after I've recharged my batteries with the simply pleasures that I so richly deserve that I can get back to thinking about next week's broadcast.

MO: I'm sure you've worked with quite a few groups in your time, do you have any interesting stories you'd like to share about them?

UZ: "Worked with" is probably not the best way to describe what I do. Generally I don't coordinate with survivor groups so much as a I hang around pestering them with questions and basking in the glow of some well earned praise and accolades.

I remember the time I showed up to celebrate New Years with the good folks of the DEM. There I was, hanging out with hundreds of Malton's finest; cops, doctors, firemen, bounty hunters, you know heroic types every one. This being a big party for the DEM, there were some real big names there, too. Heavy hitters like Kristi, Cannonfodder, you know, the big targets. Anyway, some cretin sneaks in the back door and takes a couple of pot-shots at the A-1 target, your truly, and in an instant does a perfect impression of Swiss cheese. It was great - a real Tarntino moment, though without the unnecessary swearing. As for myself, thanks to the MFU, I was back at the bar with a beer in my hand before you could say, "Is there a medic in the house?"

MO: I've seen quite a few people with opposing opinions on the darkness update, are you a fan of darkened buildings?

UZ: They have their uses. On the one hand, there is no greater symbol of survivor resistance in Malton than a suburb lit up like an airport runway. When you see that yellow glow of a building firmly controlled by survivors, you know that you are in the company of the good guys. On the other hand, sleeping in a darkened corner has saved my life on more than one occasion. Plus the darkness really comes in handy when my groupies catch up to me, so it's got that going for it, too.

MO: What is your opinion on DORIS? It seems to have become a craze in Malton...

UZ: What is this DORIS of which you speak? Must be some new passing fad the kids are into because I'm not familiar with it.

MO: Do you have a favourite place in Malton?

UZ: Why yes. Yes I do.

MO: I have to ask, what was it like having your computer turn into a zombie? I don't know if I'd be able to kill mine if it did.

UZ: Emotionally, it was devastating. You have to understand, we'd been together for more than three years. Sure, like most relationships we'd had our ups and downs, but over the years we'd gotten so comfortable with each other. We knew each other's little quirks and foibles and were quite a team. For it to just turn on me like that? It really hurt. I tried to work it out, tried to live with the changes, but have you ever tried writing a script using just ten letters? It just wasn't meant to be. When it started in with the whole, "GRAB MAH MAAHZ BAGZ!" I knew it was time.

In the end it all worked out, though. I'm now happily engaged with a younger, sleeker model. One that's just the way I like 'em: fast and cheap with plenty of input ports.

MO: Do you prefer to stay in the company of survivors when you turn in for the night, or do you prefer to find a nice quiet, empty safehouse?

UZ: [Several lines of badly-worded answers]

You know what? Can we just skip this question?

MO: Do you have a favourite DEM group? Don't worry, we at MEMS won't be offended if you choose a different group.

UZ: That is a very tough question to answer as each group brings so much to Malton. But I'd have to say that the group who has most often bailed me out of direct trouble is the Malton Forensics Unit. Thanks to them I've had more injections than Barry Bonds.

MO: Any sage advice for fellow survivors?

UZ: Sage advice? Seems like a strange request, but okay. While most people only think of sage as one spice to add to a recipe, I like to throw a handful of it onto the hot coals of my barbecue - it really adds a pleasant undertone of flavor to your meats.

MO: Thank you for your time, is there anything you'd like to say in closing?

UZ: Yes, yes there is.

Radio Survivor has long been there for survivors - telling them what to think and what to do and generally making life easier for them. Well, now it's time for you to give a little something back. No, not money, there's nowhere to spend it in Malton anyway. What I need is information. Your Uncle Zeddie can't be everywhere at once so he needs your tips and scouting reports to get the word out to the greater Malton community. Especially now that things are so quiet on the zombie front, it's more important than ever that survivors, the ones who make the news, let me know what sort of news they are making.

And if they don't, your Uncle Zeddie might have to make some news of his own.

-Nero

After "Aftershock"

Despite several additions to the original idea, recent DEM tests on idle zombies are (For the most part) complete. The idea was named "Aftershock", and the main concern was that idle zombies could stealth-attack retaken malls by idling out. However, in all cases it was proved that the zombie (Or even dead body) was moved outside of the building when idle. Great forethought, Kevan!

This is, of course, one of many ideas that filters through the "DEM Think Tank", a repository of new ideas and strategies. Some, like this one, get tested, while others are more limited to community discussion. In any case, it's just one of the ways the DEM tried to keep it's tactics and policies up to date. Other threads range from plans for a recruitment drive to discussion over the recent May updates. Looking through older threads, there is even a proposal to retake the entire suburb of Ridleybank!

It's been around since October 2007, and while it is perhaps underused, it generally gives commanders a constant flow of ideas to utilize against the hordes of the city, and creates some interesting debates. It's something you should consider checking out if you haven't already.

-Labine50

Whatever That Means!

A Q&A column with the Chardon siblings. Got a question? Drop us a line! askachardon@gmail.com

Tom: Okay, so before we start, I guess an apology is in order.

Rob: Yeah, a certain Mr. William Told reminded us that we never actually said who won the mudwrestling match.

Kris: Not that it's hard to guess or anything. Congrats to Bill, can we move on now?

Dear Tom, Kris and Rob,

I have a hypothetical question. If you got out of Malton, what would be the first thing you did? (Would it involve world domination?)

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen

Kris: No comment.

Rob: ...We don't comment on baseless rumors, especially not those that relate to world domination.

Tom: Right. Totally baseless and not worth investigating at all. Yeah.

Dear Chardons,

I know this is a private question, but I would like to know:

What are your opinions on the DEM?

Thanks,

An Anonymous Citizen of Malton

Tom: Can't stand it. I'm really just here for the free food.

Rob: ...

Kris: ...

Tom: ...Okay, seriously, we're all in the DEM. What do you expect us to say?

You've said theres no one at home- but how did all three of you get involved in the DEM? Has there ever been sibling rivalry between branches?

~ Someone from Red Thresh

Rob: We all came to the DEM by happenstance, I guess. But as far as sibling rivalry goes... well, everyone knows the MCDU is king.

Kris: Pssh, whatever, cadet. Maybe when you've graduated, you'll understand how important us MEMS types are.

Tom: As if either of you would still be around without the dedicated revivers of the MFU.

Kris: Hey, we do that too! No need for you guys!

Rob: We handle our own reviving. When was the last time either of you cleared a building?

Tom: Could ask you that question, myself.

Rob: Yesterday.

Kris: ...Moving on!

Which do you find to be the greatest campus for the newbies to learn at?

Why did you not say Red Thresh when it is obviously superior?

That is all, my bias is now revealed.

Cheers,

A Secret Fan.

Tom: Sibling rivalry, round two!

Kris: Yay, Red Thresh! Annie Kat was the coolest!

Rob: KotD campus was, and is, and will continue to be, superior.

Tom: Superior to Red Thresh, maybe, but Little Fawn's got you both beat.

Kris: No way! Red Thresh forever!

Rob: ...On the other hand, none of us seems to have anything good to say about Darby...

Kris: Well, there we go. We didn't find the best, but I guess we found the worst.

Tom: Look for Dr. Wolf's rebuttal on the subject next issue!

-Kris, Tom and Rob Chardon

Fun Corner

Based on a humorous suggestion.

-Tonay163

Due to Jayefex's vacation there will be no crossword in the Fun Corner this issue.