User:Covert Ops Wizard
Memoirs of a Covert Ops Wizard
Barricades eh? That reminds me of the wherewolf seige of latuvania in '75. Me and the boys were sent in to reinforce this old castle, but when we got there, the fucker was just about a pile of stones at that point. We show up, and the commanding officer, this old fuck named Grummold, is all like, move those stones. We get to movin' the stones around, ya know, make some fuckin fortifications, and I'm like, yo, Grummold! Why the fucks are we fuckin' movin' these fuckin' stones by hand when we can magic 'em in place? Fuckin' telekinesis my man, you heard of it?
And old Grummolds like M.A.G.E.S. Command says no magic. and I'm all like, fuck that! ya know? But real quiet like, cause you don't talk shit on Command. last guy that did that got sent to...well, Latuvania. But permanent like, you know? Latuvania sucks. All the witches here are the stereotypical old crones, not a hot one in the bunch. I hear they don't shave either, but I'm not gettin' close enough to find out you know? My momma didn't raise no fool.
So anyways, we're settin' up for this werewolf attack, and lemme tell ya, I was a little nervous. Werewolves are fuckin' dangerous, mind of a man, and all six ends are pointy, and I'm not counting the tail.
I think you know what I mean.
So we get these fuckin' stones in place, and not a moment too soon, cause the werewolves are just gettin'ready to attack. And I'm like, So's how the fuck are we supposed to fight if'n we can't use magic?
And Grummold's all like Oh shit, I din't think of that. And I'm all like, Ok boys, get ready to run. And here come the fuckin' werewolves, and me and the boys split soon as they're over the walls, which I think was the right choice, but Grummold's callin' us all sorts of names anyway. Yellin' about how we fucked him and shit.
Well, thats what the werewolves did anyways. I told ya man, six pointy ends, but they might as well only have one, 'cause thats all they use. They just jump on ya and get humpin' away. So, I guess we lost that battle, and it kinda sucks, cause Grummold lived though he was awful sore, and put us on report with command. Boy were we in the shit. Punishment detail for weeks!
Anyways, I guess the moral of the story is this, don't bother barricading, cause you're fucked anyway. That's what i took from the whole experience, at least.
Huh. Zombies pop up in the dardest places I guess.
I remember one time, me and the boys were off-base for a little R&R, and by that I mean trying to have sex with anything with a vagina.
It's hard picking up chicks though, cause we hafta keep our beards cut to regulation size, and coming back to base clean shaven?
Thats right, punishment detail. Or Latuvaina. Or punishment detail in Latuvania.
So anyways,me and my partner Peascotch are tryin to chat up these chicks, and having a hard time of it, so we played the M.A.G.E.S. card.
Technically, we're not supposed to talk about the Squad,but Peascotch was desperate so I played along.
So they're all over each other, and I'm drinking away the reality of my lonely existence and..
Thats about alls I remember of that night actually. Us M.A.G.E.S. types party hard.
maybe not as much as the Goblin Inquisitorial Squad, but you know, enough.
So's anyways, once I get myself out of that ditch, I get back to base and there's Peascotch, and he's all like Yooo, guess who got some bro and waves his finger underneath my nose.
I'm all like, What the fuck man, that smells like the inside of a trolls rectum!
Which I guess is a story for another time.
Peascotch is like, I know bro, she kinda stunk but, dude! She was so hot, and was moaning and biting and shit, I had to stick it in her!
Which shows how Peascotch always is thinking with his dick.
Few days later, Peascotch is all like Bro, I need your help with a...personal issue.
I really didn't want to hear it, but I'm his partner you know?
Long story short, his peener turned green and was just about to fall off.
Turns out, that chick he had sex with? Total zombie man.
Yeah, didn't see that coming did you?
Well, the M.A.G.E.S. Doc got Peascotch right in the end, and I thikn he learned his lesson, which is, always carry a riot shield with you when picking up chicks, cause you never know when that hottie's gonna turn out to be a zombie, And boy will your face be red (and your dick green) if you forgot to bring protection.
