User:Davedavinson/sermons

The Sermons of Davedavinson

The early, short, sermons delivered in Santlerville and Gibsonton have been lost to history.

First Sermon to the Sinners at Giddings Mall

Brothers and sisters it is time to throw away the tools of Satan and step from the illusory light round which you huddle. Brothers and sisters there is another far greater light awaiting you. I speak of the light of Sweet Zombie Jesus.

For Sweet Zombie Jesus gave his life that we might live and in these end times each and every one of us should do as he did. We should give our lives for our brothers and sisters. Yes even to our very flesh, just as Sweet Zombie Jesus did. For are we not all sinners? Confess brothers and sisters, confess. I am a sinner. I stand before you now and say I AM A SINNER!

BUT the lord, Sweet Zombie Jesus, has blessed me brothers and sisters. He has blessed me, wretched sinner that I am. The lord has ordained that the sweet infection that even now courses through my veins will return me unto the bosom of his eternal life. Brothers and sisters I am no more worthy than the least of you and yet the Lord has smiled upon me. Sweet Zombie Jesus will smile on you to if you but take him into your hearts and minds.

So I ask you now: do you intend on huddling under the wing of the dark one by the fake light of his electricity forever? Have you not noticed how eager others that you CALL your brothers are to kill you? You call it PK'ing but it is the work of the dark one. For there can be no true brotherhood, no, nor sisterhood under the wing of Satan. So brothers and sisters I implore you one last time. Step forth from this den of incestous corruption. Step out into the light. There your true brothers and your true sisters will take you into the arms of Sweet Zombie Jesus.

Second Sermon to the Sinners at Giddings Mall

This sermon has been lost to the ravages of time.

Sermon to the Mrh-Cows at Walrond Square

Children, children, why do you wander from the path of rightouesness? Do not stand here, hoping for satan to lead you back into error. Those scientists that you call your freinds are not your freinds. Look. They have abandoned you while they filled me, their sworn enemy full of revive. See how the error of sin turns upon its own. Fret not however for you have been given a golden opportunity now. You have been reborn into the light of the Sweet Zombie Jesus.

--At this point a zombie said "Mrh?"

No my child. Do not ask for that damned dirty drug. Feed upon my flesh. Be strong. You are the LORDS child.

-- At this point a zombie said "Mrh?"

"Trust in the Sweet Zombie Jesus, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed!" --(Psalms 37:3)

-- At this point he was eaten by the brethren and rose again in accordance with scripture

Ah am zambah nah. G-zaz! G-zaz! G-zaz amarh ma! Zambah G-zaz am Rahzrrragz-an! Zangz G-zaz zangz zangz! Ah am Zarah ma z!nz. Zambah G-zaz am Rahzrrragz-an an Zambah G-zaz gab ma Barhah! G-zaz am hammarh harmanz an G-zaz am hranz zambah! G-zaz gab gargazz ah zambahz an G-zaz am rahzrrragz-an. Zangz G-zaz zangz zangz! Aman.

Translation of Death Rattle:

I am a Zombie now! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus loves (lit. amor) me! Zombie Jesus is the Resurrection! Thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you! I am sorry for my sins. Zombie Jesus is the Resurrection and Zombie Jesus gives me Barhah (eternal life?). Jesus is a hammer to the humans and Jesus is a freind to the zombies. Jesus gave his body (lit. carcass) to zombies and Jesus is the Resurrection. Thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you! Amen.

Easter Sermon to the Faithful at St Matthew's Cathedral

Happy Easter Brethren!

On this most holy of days I would like to remind you of the words of Sweet Zombie Jesus as he spoke to his disciples. Words recorded in John 6:

Then Jesus said unto them, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him. As the living Father hath sent me, and I live by the Father: so he that eateth me, even he shall live by me. This is that bread which came down from heaven: not as your fathers did eat manna, and are dead: he that eateth of this bread shall live for ever."

Amen.

Brothers and Sisters; truly we of the Church of the Resurrection have been blessed. For those end times that the Sweet Zombie Jesus foretold are with us and we alone recognise this glorious fact. But do not let this lead you into the sin of pride, Sweet Zombie Jesus has enough love for all men. He has enough love for all men, yea, and all women, all children and even for such stray dogs as you may pass in the street with their spicy aftertaste.

So on this day, this great day, when we remember how he rose again into eternal life. Let us do as Sweet Zombie Jesus would have us do. Let us take the GOOD NEWS of his Resurrection to those that have not heard it be they man, woman, child or canine. For if we do so then they, like him and like us, will also rise again into a glorious new life in his presence. And rising in the presence of the Lord they will eat his flesh and drink his blood and then they too will have ETERNAL LIFE. It has been vouchsafed to us brethren. It has been promised and recorded in the good book. It has been WRITTEN...

-- At this point Icehawg killed a zombie.

Ah, see the folly and wickedness of those that have not heard the word. They try to kill the children of Sweet Zombie Jesus not knowing that we have been granted life everlasting. Had he but stayed to listen he would have heard when I quoted from scripture, saying "I will raise him up at the last day". But many sinners, knowing that they sin, seek to trouble the children of the Sweet Zombie Jesus, wanting to afflict us with many woes. Do not let this make you downhearted my brethren. Particularly on this happiest of days. Think of Psalm 37:

"Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity. For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb. Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed."

Remember Brothers and Sisters, "He that eateth of this bread shall live for ever."

I humbly offer my body as your sacrament on this holiest of holy days.

Amen.