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Richard: "I get it now.... this is the plain of suck."

Chuck Norris Facts:

  • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Not.... ever.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
  • They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
  • A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
  • Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Who would win a fight between Batman and Darth Vader? Chuck Norris.
  • How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris? All of it.
  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
  • Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
  • When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
  • If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
  • There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
  • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  • Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
  • Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  • Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
  • Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
  • Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
  • When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
  • Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  • Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  • There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
  • When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
  • Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
  • A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
  • Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
  • Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
  • In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  • If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
  • Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
  • When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  • While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  • Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
  • When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
  • Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  • For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
  • Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
  • When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
  • Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  • Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
  • In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
  • Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
  • Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
  • Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
  • If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  • When you Google "Chuck Norris," Chuck Norris finds YOU.
  • Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  • The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  • Chuck Norris bowled a perfect 300. Without a bowling ball. Or pins. While he wasn't in a bowling alley.
  • It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  • You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
  • Chuck Norris actually died 5 years ago, but the Grim Reaper's too scared to tell him.
  • Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
  • The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
  • Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  • James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  • Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into The Hulk. When The Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
  • Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  • Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
  • A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
  • Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
  • God said "Let there be Light." Then Chuck Norris said "Say please."
  • There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
  • Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
  • Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
  • They once took a sample of Chuck Norris's urine to test for steroids - it came up 100% positive. Chuck Norris merely laughed and said "Where do you think steroids come from?"
  • Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
  • Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
  • Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
  • Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
  • The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
  • Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
  • If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  • The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  • Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
  • The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
  • Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
  • Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
  • There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
  • A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
  • It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
  • Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
  • Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
  • Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
  • If at first you don't succeed, you are not Chuck Norris.
  • Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
  • The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
  • Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
  • Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
  • Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
  • 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
  • Chuck Norris got his drivers license at 16. Seconds.
  • Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
  • When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
  • According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
  • Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
  • In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  • Chuck Norris's beard isn't actually red - it's just bathed in the blood of his enemies.
  • Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
  • When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
  • Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
  • Barry Bonds was not on steroids. Chuck Norris just breathed on him.
  • Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
  • Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
  • Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
  • MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
  • Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
  • What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
  • There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
  • The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
  • Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
  • The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
  • Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
  • Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
  • Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
  • It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
  • It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
  • Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
  • Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
  • Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
  • As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
  • Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
  • Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
  • It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
  • Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
  • Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
  • Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
  • Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
  • Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  • Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
  • Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.