User:Sarah Silverman/HHNF Infro

Well, as most of you have heard by now, Jimmy Kimmel and I broke up after five years of... well whatever that was. I gotta say I'm pretty pissed all around. I gave that man some of the best years of my life, and all I have to show for it is some oily sweat stains on my lingerie that won't wash out.

Initially, we agreed not to share too many details about the split in public, but fuck that. The guy is an asshole and I'm going to kill his ass every chance I get. His fat, plain, sweaty, disgusting, how did I do that for so long ass. DEAD!

I never thought I'd be the type. But here I am, and I'm cool with it. For those that don't know, the plan is to not only kill Jimmy myself, but to encourage all of Malton to kill Jimmy. Did I mention he stomps puppies? He does. It's his favorite thing in life. All kinds of puppies, but he especially loves to stomp Labs - so think about Marley from that sappy book Marley and Me, and put one between Jimmy's eyes for me willya?

Beyond that, I'm pretty much in a healing phase. I'm going to try to rid myself of anything that makes me think of the guy. I already threw out all his size 80 boxer shorts and his penis cream, and now I'm just going to kill anything that evokes his memory. So those of you with the name "Jim" or "Kim" or "Mel" - you pretty much better hope we're not in the same building any time soon. I mean, killing is what I do, and let's face it, half the time I'm searching for even the thinnest of justifications for new material, and of course I'd grab onto something like this and run with it.

So that's basically the gist of it. Death to all things Jimmy. Basically, to paraphrase DeNiro's Capone from "The Untouchables":

"I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Jimmy Kimmel, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!"

Kiss kiss!!