User:William Told/Sandbox

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Malton Observer Sandbox

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Religion in Malton

There are many different religious beliefs in Malton, and this reporter went deep undercover to sift through the layers of religious dogma to provide our readers with an unbiased account of religion in Malton so that they might make an informed decision on which collection of crazy stories to believe.

• Church of Kevan - These nutjobs think that Malton is some sort of universe unto itself and was created by some guy named Kevan. Sounds like a load of bull to me.
• Christianity - Believe some Jewish dude died and came back to life, which is complete and utter nonsense. Has anyone in Malton ever died and come back to life? No. End of story.

• Protestantism - A branch of Christianity whose dogma is based around sexual repression and disliking foreigners.
• Catholicism - Bunch of bloody drunks. There's a reason people burn Catholic effigies on Guy Fawkes Day... something about traitorous gunpowder or some such nonsense.

• Cult of the Stuffed Crocodile - These guys find stuffed crocodiles and sit around worshiping them. To their credit, they can prove that stuffed crocodiles exist. To their discredit, Pluto isn't a crocodile.
• Judaism - No one knows what the hell Jews believe these days. Not even Jews do, and they should be ashamed of themselves for forgetting their rich religious heritage. At least, that's what their mother told me last week when I asked her. She also told me to ask them why they never call.
• The Imperial Creed - They believe they were sent by some God-Emperor. You know who else believed in a God-Emperor? Romans. And you know what their emperors did? In certain cases, they fucked donkeys. Ipso facto, the Imperium's God-Emperor fucks donkeys.
• Buddhism - I don't like their statues. Fat guys shouldn't be that happy. They should be burying their shame under another bag of Cheetos.
• Sons of Pluto - Finally, someone with the good sense to worship a silicate body flying through space at the edge of the solar system. These guys have got heads on their shoulders.
• Paganism - They worship personifications of nature representing cultural values completely alien to humans in the modern West. I don't see how you can phrase that in any way that would make it seem absolutely ridiculous. Besides, with Ron Burgundy gone shouting Odin's name as you rush into battle is so 2007.
• Zombie Religions - How the hell should I know what the rotting bastards believe? You can barely understand the buggers. When do I get paid?

The Winner - Sons of Pluto, duh. Who wants to worship some homeless Mexican named Jesús?