The only pulse we keep is the news
Top StoriesZoey Zarg - Mama of the RRFAn unliving legend departs the ranks of the Front
She was known by many names across the ruins of Malton - Zoey, Jelly Otter, Cubone, to list only a few - but to all who knew her, she was simply the best, brightest spirit they had encountered in their travels through our fair city. All who served with, under or against her knew Zoey to be their favourite ally or enemy. Countless people both living and dead regard her as one of the city's finest citizens, and her mark is indelibly stamped on the RRF for all time.
Beginning her career in Malton and the Front's DoHS in the waning months of 2007, she quickly grew to prominence as one of the two upstart babahz who founded the now-unstoppable Team America, a behemoth of a strike unit. She was still young enough then to need feeding, provided by the few veterans who were included in the team's starting roster. The Siege of St. Ethelberts pitted her fledgling team against a group of harmanz known as the Upper Left Corner, who harboured her alter-ego, Jelly Otter; though the Otter was not present during the fighting for obvious reasons. Much fun was to be had on both sides regardless of the final outcome of the battle. This was to be one of Zoey's trademark qualities, the ability to add fun and levity well above normal levels, and regardless of which side of the battle one was on. As time went by, Ridleys came to appreciate seeing Zoey in her other guises as much as they loved her at their side. The spirit of fun was there no matter if she was the predator or the prey.
As a Ridley, Zoey became nearly indispensable, as she understood tactics, strategy and management in equal measure to her sense of playfulness. A deep discussion of barricade methodology could be suddenly turned into a festival of taders, her main obsession and rumoured to be the true source of her powers. Under her leadership, Team America grew from a small strike team to a deadly juggernaut capable of eating malls by itself. The veterans of TA who served under her take a piece of Zoey wherever they may go, and speak of her with great reverence and love. The Papa and the War Council relied on her irrepressible spirit to keep critical events and trying times from becoming a herd of llamas or a humourless war-slog. Her crayon-based art brought innummerable smiles to all who saw it; indeed, many Ridleys still sport their custom tags courtesy of Mz Zarg. In every corner and aspect of our operations, Zoey added her own special touch, brought her own ray of sunshine to illuminate us.
We at the Front did not have a monopoly on our beloved Zoey. There were other hordes and even harmanz who also benefitted from her presence, though she would appear to them in other forms. Rather than let jealousy cloud our vision of her, we rejoiced that she could spread her light to the furthest reaches of the city. It is an impossibility that those who encountered her could be worse off than before, and we would be doing her memory a disservice to claim her solely as ours. We can only be grateful that we were her special focus, that she expended most of her energy under our colours. She desired only that all who were inside Malton could have the best experience possible, and to a great extent she succeeded in her aims.
Alas, but RL can lay claim to even the strongest of us. Our dear Zoey was no exception. The Beast called out from its lair beyond the confines of Malton, and like a brave warrior should, she went out from us to do battle. Her journey is a long one, and she may not return to us even when she slays the Beast. She leaves behind a saddened city, mourning the loss of its favourite sister. We should temper our sadness with love, however; she left us not in abandonment, but to serve a higher purpose than the ones she served so well in our city. We salute her even as we shed our tears; we support her endeavours with our own spirits and goodwill as she did for us; we hope for her safe and successful travels even as they take her far from our sight. She takes with her our love and gratitude, and leaves us her own. Her memory shall live on in us. Taderhah, Zoey!
Moloch/Suskind: The InterviewThe RRF's current papa sat down for a chat with the RRF's previous papa in a shocking, in depth interview that covers over a year's worth of events in RRF history and gives a large look at the life of our former papa. The interview is too large to be confined to the space of the MH&S, so you have to read the full transcript for the interview here.
Reboot - Hey, It Works For the MoviesMalton's oldest and most sporadically published newspaper gets back on track; "About bloody time, too", say locals
Welcome! Welcome back to the MH&S, the first one in a long time. This is ostensibly the news wing of the Ridleybank Resistance Front, though usually the news is "We just eated everyone in the whole burb!" We've been offline for many a moon, but we're making a comeback for 2K9. Our intention is to resurrect the paper so as to once again provide you, the reader, with the finest fake and real news out of Malton, in an entertaining format. Our reporters scour the ruins for interesting stories as well as fresh, nammah branz... mmmm, branz... falling out onto the floor and... Uh, oh yeah, the news! Our dedication to journalism is such that if we can't find a story, we'll make one up, just like the news outlets on the other side of the quarantine. Major events of the city, hard-hitting interviews, opinion pieces, insane ramblings, poetry and art; all these things can be found within our pages. So sit back, get a fresh glass of harman juice and a g!ngarharman, and read the latest from the MH&S.
RRF Scientists Seek to Cure the Disease Known as RLExploring the dangers of a disease
RL is a treacherous disease- it can strike at any time without warning. In most cases, it causes short disappearances and idleness, but, in more tragic cases, it can even result in death. This horrible, crippling disease was previously thought to afflict zombies only, but a studies show that it can even affect the harmanz. The RRF Research Team was commissioned by Papa Moloch to better understand this dreaded disease that nearly claimed this glorious paper. Top scientists from every team of the horde (except GMT-BC, who never noticed the research discussion) gathered to try and tackle this horrible disease on barhah.com.
The researchers reviewed all previous recorded cases in every level of extremity (ranging from 1 day disappearance to full on death) in an effort to better understand the terrible disease of RL. Their findings only made the disease even more mysterious. The disease is not transmitted via bodily fluids and is not airborne. Upon viewing tissue samples from the afflicted, researchers were not able to find any virus (aside from the very common solanum virus) nor were they able to see any evidence of bacteriological infection. The intrepid researchers suspected that harmanz may be afflicted by the same disease and captured some potential carriers for further study. The specimens were found to be afflicted by this life threatening disease, showing all of the symptoms of the afflicted zambahz, but also showed no evidence of viral or bacteriological infection. Upon completion of the study, the harman specimens were promptly eaten to ease the cruelty of breathing.
The researchers next task was to try and find a cure or preferably a vaccine for the virus. Unfortunately, a vaccine was unable to be found due to the lack of any evidence of infecting agents. The cure proved to be very elusive as well. The researchers are having varying levels of success curing mild cases of RL, but the more extreme cases prove to be impossible.
The RRF Research Team (with the support of the War Council) promises to do everything in its power to combat this disease that afflicts all of Malton. To prevent the spread of the disease, Madagascar has closed its ports and Canada has sealed its borders. The staff of the Malton Herald & Sun, recently recovering with its own bout with the disease, remains vigilant in reporting the findings of the RRF Research Team and will provide ongoing coverage of its studies.
News In PassingCry "HARMAN!!!" and let slip the dogs of Graaargh!
In November of 2008 the Good Morning Tasty Breakfast Club was getting ready for a party, three years had past since the club had got together for breakfast and in that time almost 5000 brains had been dined upon! A call was put out to the elders who had barely raised their heads in months, claws were sharpened and jaws fished out of the back of closets as the old and the young alike set their eyes on South Blythville with the return of such figures as Bundolo, HairyJim, Lottuk, and Mardigan. The action opened immediately with the 5000th kill being taken with characteristic speed in Preston NT with the slaughtering of Kosmoisdead, and then the party moved next door to Club Doran where they tore through the open buffet with the gusto of those eating a free lunch!
Team America Seizes Malton Rail Assets
Thanks to their absurdly high PULCHRITUDE score, the RRF's very own Team America recently completed a very bloody takeover of every single railway station in Malton, erstwhile demolishing several police stations and hospitals in order to convert them into even more railway stations. Sources within the team cite the reasoning for this seizure as completely logical. "Well think about it, trains are never on time, and neither are we. Plus we've always wanted to have LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF TRAINS! It makes perfect sense." One TA member was spotted adjusting his monocle and twizzling a fake mustache, in a robber baron-ish manner.
Scientists Barricade Ridleybank In the Past
Local Malton scientists frustrated with being eaten on a constant basis successfully sent a member back in time before the zombie outbreak in an attempt to barricade our beloved suburb prior to the arrival of the RRF. The traveler reportedly barricaded the entire suburb in anticipation of the impending zombie outbreak to try and stop the soon to be rampaging hordes. The survivor attempted to assassinate soon to be RRF leaders who were still disorganized. The targets, instead of dying, just ?rose to the occasion. Upon the inevitable arrival of the hordes, the barricades were quickly demolished and the traveler eaten by newly minted hungry zombies. Zombie Sarah Conner still unavailable for comment, whereabouts unknown.
Better Know...Better Know a Zemi
ZEmil33, known as the Black Kitten of the Ridleybank Resistance Front, is a zombie of mystery and intrigue. Seldom outspoken, she has nevertheless remained a strong presence in the horde, particularly through her co-leadership of Auxunit 10.
Zemi began her UD experience in October of 2005, after seeing an ad for the game while playing Vampires! The Dark Alleyway. Out of curiosity, she signed up, but as for her first character, Zemi comments, “he's Harman, has never hurt anyone, has Combat Revived exactly once.” Soon however, the allure of barhah would grab her by the tail.
“I did wonder if it would be moar fun to play as ah zambah,” said Zemi. “so I started two characters at the same time, both of whom have been associated with the RRF.”
The first one is the zombie we’re most familiar with (ZEmil33), but the second, Zomby Woof, was the first to be part of the RRF. While early on ZW traveled malton as a dual-naturist, Zemi was thoroughly a zombie, and took up residence in Ridleybank, scrounging around for food. It was not long until graffiti for Mall Tour ’06 began to pop up.
“It happened that Zemi joined Mall Tour and left the Bank, but I lived there safe (if hungry) for about a month.”
Zemi, as ZW at the time, was first brought into the RRF in December of 2006 by the influence of such veterans as Beefsteak, Murray Jay Suskind, Mobbo and Braggledorth. She claims them as among the mentors who helped her adjust to life in the RRF.
“The folks I felt closest to in my first year were Talunex, Murray and Braggledorth. All of them were AU10 then, they were very good to me.”
Soon after she joined the RRF, she mentions that the Militant Order of Barhah was founded, and that contrary to popular belief, it did not end up splitting the horde. Instead, many chose to send alts to the newly founded MOB. According to her, things went quite smoothly throughout the year, with cooperation between AU10 and the Gore Corps at a high point.
But when it came to the transitions taking place during that stretch of time, Zemi admits she was a bit worried.
“In my first few months, Jorm formed the Mob, and I worried that it would split the RRF... I should not have worried, most folks just made another zambah for Mob and played both.”
Zemi claims that the reasoning behind the eventual switch of characters was based partly on ZW wanting to play the Harman side and broadcast pro-zombie propaganda. The characters were swapped out in December 2007, just as an upheaval in the horde began with the selection of Moloch as the new Papa, to the objection of many fundamentalists who believed it was much too awkward having a harman in command. The controversy surrounding the RRF Olympics at the time also added fuel to the fire and combined to result in several defections to the MOB.
By the time the dust had settled, AU10 was in need of recovery and was eventually righted under the leadership of Cthulhu in Lingerie (Nellie). ZEmil33 promised to help out with this task, but still feeling burnt out from the drama, declined any sort of leadership role. However,by the summer of 2008, real life had called Nellie to school, and leadership was passed onto Tarman, while ZEmil33 was talked into taking up a leadership role beside him.
“I had no intention of leading zambahz evar again, but when Nellie needed me, I stepped up,” said Zemi.
With the selection of Tarman as her 2nd at the time, Nellie had put together the basis for the current command model AU10 uses today, with just one piece left to be added.
“I like Tarman very much, we get along splendidly. We decided that since neither of us could be there every day, we would do the co-commanders thing. We picked Sponge for our second, and it's worked splendidly! Nellie has filled in now and again the few times that none of the three of us could make it.”
She admitted its an odd command structure, but that it’s worked just fine for the team. It could be described as “one to post, one to smile, and one to raar.” Zemi also stated that she is quite proud of being a Ridley, and in particular is proud of her team.
As for her take on the RRF as a whole, Zemi believes that the sense of community she gets from both her team and the rest of the horde, is what keeps her around.
According to her, “The RRF are really an AHHZAM zambahgang. I am proud to have become a Ridley.”
UnlifestylesBANANA GANGBANG!
The Courtship of Nellie
Editor's note: Due shipping complications this article may appear to be out of date.
For a long time I was the zombie who shambled alone in Malton. Goolina had her Sir Fred. Naners had his Cialan. DJ had his Fiffy. Even the notoriously unsentimental Jorm had his significant other shambling around Malton. However, I was like the old captain of a boat: one treated their ship as their mistress, I treated the horde as mine (sorry about those crusty stains). However, for a long time I had my eye on a fetching young lass. Sure she was a mythical sea God, sure she was into some truly disturbing physical practices and sure she was a lesbian. But I decided that I wanted to be with Cthulhu In Lingerie (some of you whippersnappers may know her as Nellie) and got to courting her.
I always had a thing for Nellie. She was demented like me, she was a lot of fun to hang around with, her tentacles were the longest, most shapely and alluring I had ever seen, and she seemed impossible to creep out (always an important thing in an online gaming relationship). However, it was one day when I overheard her playing with the legendary Thor that I became truly infatuated. The grace and sensuality she possessed was overwhelming. Later she rescued my beloved schmeckel from the Randoms after ravaging it in the most intense way I have ever seen. I began to feel a certain rapport with her. She was clearly the ultimate prize for any suitor in the game.
Now, it took me a while to work up the courage to ask her out. Those who have seen Thor know that he's very intimidating and leaves a void too large for any man to fill by himself. However, I had something on my side... the fact that I'm creepy, dirty old man willing to degrade himself in any way for a fine tentacle monster.
A couple of months ago I finally decided to make my move. I knew from talking with her that she thought boys were smelly and hairy, so I gave myself third degree burns in order to remove excess body hair and covered myself in the finest and most pungent of body sprays to make myself more physically alluring. I also gave her a fine selection of gifts which are not appropriate to publish in such a family publication. I flutter arose in my bosom when she accepted a date.
From there I continued to shower her with gifts, feed her dinner nightly, exchanging various amusing and disturbing videos, dancing with her, and the end of the evenings hugging her for three damage and kissing her for four. Eventually we consummated our relationship (well, at least with both me and my schmeckel around at the same time) in a very violent, painful, loving and caring way.
Eventually, I realized that our relationship was too big, too loving, too adventurous and too kinky to keep to ourselves. We decided to make the ultimate commitment that two people who refuse to take part in any action that has a legal sanction could... we volunteered to be BANANA GANGBANGed! Our closest friends gathered in Nellie's favorite spot in Malton (the Horsey Museum) and ravaged Nellie and I before we took turns with each other. It was one of the most touching, violent and perverted displays we had ever been a part of. We had achieved the ultimate.
Now with Valentine's Day approaching Nellie and I appear to be an older couple sometimes. We enjoy more quiet nights in watching videos. We spend more time feeding the children than feeding and/or ravaging each other. But rest assured, we still feel those same twisted, disgusting feelings we've felt for each other for so long. I BANG you, my lovely. And rest assured that on Valentine's Day...
I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU
Op-EdThe Greatest Menace
The Ridleybank Resistance Front has always been the face of liberation in Malton. We embrace our liberation from mortality. We liberate countless harmanz on a daily basis. We liberate those who are trapped behind totalitarian barricades, showing them the world outside their walls. We free brains from skulls. We enlighten those who view non-harmanz as the only legitimate source of food. BARHAH! is the greatest expression of this freedom. Working together of our own volition with our brazzahs ahn z!zzaz to free trapped harmanz can only be described as joyous. However, there are many out there -- including zombies -- who cling to the last vestige of oppressive life. I, of course, speak of pants.
Long ago Papa Petro showed all of us that letting one's lower body be exposed to the outside world is the ultimate form of liberation. Not only a rejection of harman life, but also the ultimate representation of its arbitrary trappings and repression. The value that mortals place upon ill-founded and frankly hypocritical modesty is the very opposite of freedom. Is it modest to run around in camouflage pretending to be a soldier? I think it's a cry for liberation. Is it modest to dress up as a scientist and then peddle drugs and addiction upon the population of Malton? I think drug addiction is a form of personal slavery. Is it modest to put on the vestments of holy men and attempt to exorcise a hungry zombie who just wants a meal? I call that blasphemy. Is it modest to wear a tartan kilt and claim that you have both the "advantages" of covering one's self (which we know do not exist) and the "liberation" of being pantsless? That is outright apostasy.
Pants are to zombies what shackles are to the prisoner. They are a symbol of our imprisonment. Liberate yourself! Show all that you are serious about liberation! Take off your pants!
Eye CandyDue to the current economic crisis, the MH&S has had to seek advertising revenue. This issue is brought to you by.....
Thanks For Making It This Far Down The PageFrom the RRF to you, we wish you luck amidst the pleasant ruins of Malton.
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