The Search for Penelope
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Part One: The Search
Search Journal
Febuary 2, 2007
- The Cap'n is talking about things. You hear: "..and that is why "Enemy At The Gates" sucks compared to "Saving Private Ryan". Anyway, I died, bought some zombie skills, and revived 3 people. Go figure. On a sadder note, Penelope ran away. Which raises the question: "How the hell can a squid run away?"
Leads!
False Leads
Penelope from The Odyssey
this is an article not about the squid, but about a character from an old dusty tome!
Hot actress found!
but not our Squid...
Good Leads
we think we might have something
We hear that she might be going under an alias. "Penelope Pitstop"
Someone needs to confirm the relevance of that lead!
Actual Fething Lead
Penelope has been sighted in Shearbank! All search team members are asked to stop screwing around at their local bar and find that sneaky squid!
The Fateful Sighting
You are inside the Whippey Building. There may or may not be 200 zombies outside. The building has been slightly barricaded with a cup of tea.
A portable aquarium is set up here. It is on fire.
Somebody has spraypainted All ur squids belong to us onto a wall.
- Penelope scampered across the barricade and out the door! (2 million years ago)
- Lachryma glanced at her nails. They are beautiful. (4.3 seconds ago)
Yet another one!
You are inside Stickling Mall. There are many trenchcoaters here.
A portable generator is set up here. It is running.
Somebody has spraypainted lolz, im a trejnoatr!1! onto a wall.
- Penelope ran across the roof. (an intermidate amount of time ago)
- Cap'n Silly said "My squid sense is tingling."(4 minutes ago)
- Lachryma said "No it's not. Go to sleep."(3 minutes ago)
- Famous Trenchcoater said "Shut up you two! I just single-handedly saved Malton and I need my rest!"(3 katanas ago)
Memories!
the time she ate cheese!
- Once, Penelope, ate half of the Cap's cheese hoard. He cried for weeks! The validity of this story is currently under heavy investigation by PETA.
"Why did she leave?" An Op-Ed piece by Lachryma
So squid leave Cap'n? There is only one reason: Squid is abused, runs away to stay safe. Perhaps squid burrowed into zombie skull to hide from evil Cap'n? Perhaps Penelope-Squid found nice aquarium, is happy now? But if squid left, that leaves question: How does squid walk away from abusive relationship? Is obvious to me, for squid is smart. Penelope used old Soviet trick to get away. I no support search, for squid is happy now. Give up, Cap'n Silly! You never find squid!
Proof of Abuse
You are inside the Latrobe Building. There are many rats here. The building has been extremely heavily barricaded.
A portable generator is set up here. It is running.
Somebody has spraypainted Ghetto Cow iz teh bests! onto a wall.
Counter-proof of abuse
You are inside Rabbi Way Hospital. The area smells strongly of Soviet Beans. The building has been exploded.
A portable generator is set up here. It is running away.
Somebody has spraypainted Look, it's Kevan onto a wall.
- Lachryma killed Penelope. (5 seconds ago)
- Lachryma said: "Bwahahah, I will frame you! Now people will think you are a squid abuser! (1 second ago)
Part Two: The Hunt
"Damning Evidence" An indictment by Zombie slay3r
Penelope must be found and brought to justice due to an attack on a adorable, helpless baby. Clear and horrifying proof is located here! This evilness was discovered by 
Lachryma's Response
I always knew squid had scary look in eye...it is because of Cap'n's daily beating that squid turned bad. Poor baby, attacked by pain-mad squid...
Cap'n Silly's Response
I know why this happened. Lachyrma is a communist! The poor squid was driven insane by constant ramblings about flags and some country that was cool 60 years ago. [Loads shotgun] We've got to put her down. Squids don't handle Russians well at all. They go insane and attack babies. Do your research next time, Lach, before babies get hurt.
Further Reason Why Penelope Should Be Shot On Sight
The following image was acquired by Lachryma at great expense. Do not ask how she came by this:
You are inside the Zombie Den of Evil. There are 10,000 zombies here, and none of them is wearing pants. There are no barricades here, and there never will be.
A portable Necrotech Zombie Maker 2000 has been set up here. It is running low on baby blood.
Somebody has spraypainted I AM ZOMBIE, HEAR ME ROAR!!! onto a wall.
- Penelope said 'Erk' (1 minute ago)
- Sonny Corleone said 'That is a deliciously evil plot, little squid. Malton shall tremble and burn! (40 seconds ago)
- Penelope said 'Barhah' (39 seconds ago)
Contact!
Cap'n Silly was looking for potatoes in the basement when he became the victim of an unprovoked attack by his ex-pet.
You are inside The Whippey Building Basement. There are no witnesses here.
A special effects artist is here. He is flickering the lights cinematically.
Somebody has spraypainted Closed for repairs onto a wall.
- Cap'n Silly said: 'Penelope! Stop the madness and come home.' (2 minutes ago)
- Penelope said 'BARHAH!' (2 minutes ago)
- Penelope latched on to Cap'n Silly's face. (2 minutes ago)
- Cap'n Silly stumbled out of a window. In the freaking basement. (2 minutes ago)
- You hear a loud thump outside. (1 minutes ago)
The Soul Burning Evil
*sob*...Look what Sith Squid has done! Is horrid!
You are inside the south east corner of Stickling Mall. There are lots of people here, and some of them actually know what they are doing. The building has been extremely heavily barricaded. There is a sense of impending doom in the air.
A generator has been set up here. It is shaking from fear.
Somebody has spraypainted Be afraid. Be very afraid. onto a wall.
- Harmanboy said: 'Guuuuys, there's lots of zombies outside...' (2 minutes ago)
- Lachryma said 'Squid, don't it it! Is evil!' (1 minute ago)
- Penelope opened the side door. (30 seconds ago)
- You heard a loud and low groaning somewhere nearby. (0 seconds ago)
Penelope Destroys Tanning Salon, Read All About It!
I is sleeping in Ridleybank, dreaming of Motherland, when I is awoken by loud crash. This is what I see:
You are inside the Dibbings Building. There are some crazy people here, who all have rats. The building has been so barricaded you can't see past your own hand.
Two portable tanning beds are set up here. They are humming softly.
Somebody has spraypainted Czarina in the house! onto a wall.
- Penelope destroyed the tanning bed. Twice. (2 seconds ago)
- Cap'n Silly felt a great disturbance in the Force. He twitched slightly. (1 second ago)
- A zombie said "Ahnnan bahz, nah harmanz!" (0 second ago)
- You have been eaten by Z43Z32, the Human Hunter! (-.5 seconds ago)
"More Damning Evidence" A further indictment by Zombie slay3r
After a long period of downtime in Penelope activity, further gruesome evidence has arisen to justify Penelope to be KILLED ON SIGHT. The terrifying proof can be found here, in which Penelope viciously assaults a poor, defenseless kitty. I must warn you that the contents of the photo are quite disturbing. Report filed by T 04:21, 11 April 2007 (BST).
Some More Evidence, Even Though We Didn't Really Need Any More
You are inside the Whatmore Building. The gentle glow of a magic lamp illuminates a nearby wall.
Two hippies are here. They are humming softly.
Somebody has spraypainted Have You Seen This Cap'n? onto a wall.
- Penelope did a tapdance. An EVIL tapdance.(2 seconds ago)
- The barricades exploded in a puff of evil. (1 second ago)
- A smartly dressed zombie said: "Hello, chaps! Mind if I pop in for a spot of BRAAAIIINSSS?" (0 second ago)
- You have been eaten by Lord Spookyraven, the English zombie!! (-.5 seconds ago)
Letting zombies in to destroy a tanning bed is bad, but letting English zombies in is just unacceptable.--Cap'n Silly T/W/P/C
05:12, 15 April 2007 (BST)
