The only pulse we keep is the news
Top StoriesSolution found to global energy crisis'Everyone must die!' say zombie officials
Officials from Ridleybank Environmental Protection Agency have recently announced a breakthrough in the ongoing fight against climate change and dependence upon fossil fuels. Countering previous evidence that dead bodies give off methane which is a harmful greenhouse gas, Ridleybank environmental scientist Distinguished found after an exhaustive study that living harmanz actually damage the Earth much more than the undead. As he simply put it, "Everyone needs to die."
The study's results paint an alarming picture of unsustainable harman activities that are actively destroying our planet. Many of these problems are particularly persistent in Malton. For instance, portable generators that are noteworthy for their remarkable energy inefficiency have been set up throughout Malton to power entire buildings. These generators waste fuel, compounding tight oil supplies, and create heavy emission of greenhouse gases throughout Malton.
While the use of portable generators in Malton is particularly notable, environmental scientists say the problem runs much deeper. "Even if they stopped using portable generators, the harmanz are constantly engaging in behavior that's destroying the planet," explained Distinguished. "Food production, syringe production, gun and ammunition production, production of useless automatic weapons, katanas, trenchcoats and tartan kilts, even breathing -- all of these activities dump tons of carbon in our city's air everyday."
Unfortunately, there's little indication that such behavior is going to change. Dr. Cthulhu In Lingerie, behaviorologist and sex therapist, explained that it may be difficult to get harmanz to make the appropriate lifestyle changes. "Once you engage in an act repeatedly -- such as violating others with Thor, dropping generators in useless buildings or breathing -- it's a very difficult to break the habit that's formed by such an act. It would be very difficult to get more that 5-10% to break those habits voluntarily."
While the harmanz are short on solutions for their own destructive behavior, RRF Papa Moloch was not afraid to propose bold action to stop climate change and solve the world's energy crisis. "Well, the RRF is going to do its part. The harmanz are part of the problem, not part of the solution. So I guess we'll have to kill all the harmanz we can get our hands upon." When asked if the RRF would also help to clean up the mess of generators in the city, he stated, "Of course. The overabundance of generators in this city is a blight upon all of us. Hell, when I'm out with Gore Corps, it's hard for us to even breathe sometimes."
The Tidings of Maythe more things change, the more they change
The start of June brings a new dynamic to interactions in Malton and abroad. The word from the Creator was heard across the city at the end of last month.
28th May 2008
- Decay spreads through the ruined buildings of the city. The longer that a building stands ruined, from today onwards, the harder it will be to repair. And as the moss and lichens spread across the final few skylights, several types of buildings are now dark without a generator hooked up, reducing search and attack rates until power can be restored.
- A few existing household items now double as impromptu weapons.
- Monroeville will be reopening its borders for a short while during June. Any survivors and zombies that make it as far as the end of May will have the fact noted in their profile.
Darkness reigns in certain buildings, causing attacking and searching to become difficult, though not all harmanbarnz are afflicted. Zethren are warned that the vile and heavy harman item, the toolbox, may now be wielded against us in violence as well as in blockade. Other formerly harmless objects are now being used by the desperate breathers as arms against our kind. Be vigilant, my zethren!
The new Maltonian situation seems loosely tied to the various random occurrences over the last few weeks. After enjoying a brief resurgence of lurching to block harmanz in the midst of barricading, zethren seem to have returned to a near-catatonic state in the face of such dangers. Other events of apparently random nature have been reported as well. Speculation is that meddling forces beyond our control are, well, meddling beyond our control.
Our cousins in spirit, the few, the proud, the zambahz of Monroeville are being allowed one more chance to gain some recruits in the serial-killer infested city. The quarantine is being temporarily lifted to allow rescue teams and military units the chance to die and return to eat everyone later. Of course, some may end up surviving, using up all their assault rifle ammo and bending their katanas in the initial drop, but these should be considered foods for later. Zambahz who are thinking of starting new families in Monroeville, be advised of the permanency of the Headshot in that vicinity.
News In PassingGore Corps Has Better Nachos
Hungers flare as namnam conflict erupts during a public meeting of the RRF. In a food-related discussion earlier this week, an unnamed Gore Corps member mentioned to Team America that the reason for their superiority over said team, was their "better nachos". The discussion quickly turned violent as the rep speaking for TA threw some of their own nachos at the GCer, but to no avail. The nachos were immediately consumed and subsequently deemed "bland". The GC member then proceeded into a restricted area, no doubt to partake of their own private stock of delicious, cheese-covered, chippy goodness.
As of this report, it is unknown whether the Gore Corps nachos are indeed superior, or whether this is another example of food-based rivalry between teams in the Front. The Breakfast Club, the traditional foodies of the RRF, were surprisingly unavailable for comment, though nachos are not typically a morning food. The distinguished head of GMTBC is reported to have a secret stash of nachos, of the macho variety.
Better Know...A section doubly-blessed this edition with an enemy's profile, and a special interview with allies the Feral Undead.
Better Know An Enemy: Bucky Tesla
A Man of Determination
Those of you who have been active throughout Malton in the past few months have probably noticed a new face in town. That face is attached to the body of the man who is oft-times known as Bucky Tesla. This pretty clean, determined gentleman has been spotted in Malton's highest profile areas, from the northeast corner of Nichols Mall in Stanbury Village to such exotic locales as the southeast corner of Nichols Mall in Stanbury Village.
This reporter was recently allowed to inhabit the same block as the enigmatic Bucky Tesla, and Bucky Tesla, who was surprisingly well-groomed for a Maltonian, was gentleman enough to provide a few insights into his pretty clean and determined life. As he fixed his unwavering, penetrating eyes on mine, I couldn't help but notice the resolute set of his jaw, the staunch set of his shoulders... almost an aura of determinedness about him. A smouldering cigarette butt jutted authoritatively from his stubble shrouded mouth.
So how did this man, so determined and fairly unsoiled, rocket from relative obscurity to such lofty heights of fame and power in a mere two months? Bucky Tesla merely fixed me with a stare of cold and calculating concentration, and attributed it to his boundless "determination" and "pretty clean" lifestyle. From the steely set of his face, which seemed to have - almost a look of determination, it was clear that he spoke with authority, from experience.
Exactly what sort of experience, though, could make such a pretty clean gentleman so determined seeming? When queried on this point, Bucky Tesla simply, but with a grim countenance of implacable determination, executed a nearby swaying zombie. His only comment: "Thanks for the XP, bitches..."
Thanks for the XP bitches, indeed.
Better Know an Ally: Feral Undead
You've broken into a building, you're eating your meal, and suddenly some random zombie joins you and suddenly you have a dinner date. Are you just that smooth? Of course not, you're just in the same neighborhood as one of Malton's largest and most widespread hordes, and the topic of our next installment of our ongoing series: Better Know an Ally.
Feral Undead: The Fightin' Feral! Established in Malton in 2006, Feral Undead have taken part in almost every major battle and tour in Malton since then. They were at Blackmore I. They were at the first fall of Caiger Mall. They were part of Mall Tour '07, the Second Big Bash and even helped Excursion III in Scarletwood. And all of this is in addition to maintaining their home at Fort Feral. So who has the time to lead such an involved group? Bullgod, that's who! We recently had a moment to sit down and speak with Mr. Dog. Here's what he had to say.
MH&S: Now, as I understand it half of you has been grafted with some other zombie to form the Mayor of Malton. How have you managed to run a horde and city-wide municipal services?
BG: Ah well tis not all that hard, my horde doesn't listen to me so it leaves me a lot of time to handle minimal services for the city. I breed rats for the basic sanitation needs, and as far as power, well I was always against electricity in the home. I imagine I could get more done in that respect if people actually payed taxes.
MH&S: So as a pro-zombie mayor, do you feel it's best to keep somewhat of a "hands-off" policy? Provide the harmanz with minimal public amenities so that they're more likely to just hurry up and die?
BG: Oh not at all, humans are a valuable resource and it would be silly to waste them. Practice the three 'R's, recycle body parts, reduce strongholds to rubble, and re-kill them after they have been revived.
MH&S: Feral Undead seems to operate differently from the other large hordes of Malton. Instead of ordering all of your zombies into one area, you're really spread out throughout the entire city. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this MO?
BG: It has no real advantage, but we all just like to do our own thing. Someone tells us about something that might be fun and some go to it, others chose to do whatever the hell they want. It's a very relaxed chain of command, being that there isn't one.
MH&S: So you're pretty much providing the middle ground between the uber-coordinated groups and the lone feral wandering around on its own.
BG: Thats right Jim, we love our feral lifestyle, but deep down, don't we all want to belong? We offer the roving feral with a family, a pack if you will. They can chose to band with other members to hunt as a group or forage on their own.
MH&S: As I understand it, FU has managed to build itself a home of its own. What would you say is your style of home decor?
BG: Oh Fort Feral? Yes its nice, the cool tunnels keep us out of the sun and humans will actually come to YOU if you stay there long enough. But the humans always mess it up when there's an infestation of them, cleaning the blood off the walls, pulling up the scalp carpeting. Someone even cleaned out my pile of children's bones last time, it took me weeks to eat that many orphans! They're getting quite rare now of days, you know.
MH&S: At least they provide you with the body parts to redecorate after you kick them out.
BG: True, but it would be nice if they showered before we skin them.
MH&S: Well, that's just nasty. Does FU have a theme song? If so, what is it?
BG: Haha, actually we DO have a theme song! Every so often we vote on a new one, I believe we're on our fourth now, it's "I am the Bullgod" by Kid Rock. I wonder who suggested that...
MH&S: Hmm... was it Tendon? Oh wait, I bet it was Petite Fille.
BG: *whistles and looks away*
MH&S: You're often part of the biggest battles in Malton. You're constantly taking over Fort Perryn. Much of FU took part in Mall Tour '07. A lot of you joined up with the Second Big Bash. However, you're not so much the glory boys of these huge events. Do you think you need a better PR campaign to start heaping tons of credit upon everything you do?
BG: We don't want all the credit, we just like to show up and participate, as long as we can kill we have our own glory. It's usually less deserved anyway, with the exception of taking the fort we usually don't coordinate at all, we just bash randomly or follow another more organized horde in. We are feral at heart.
MH&S: Well, I know the new editor of the paper, so just drop me a line the next time you take Fort Feral, and I'll make sure that the RRF takes credit for it instead of you guys... did I say that last part out loud?
BG: I'm sorry, did you say what Ken?
MH&S: I didn't say anything. Now, with the exception of the RRF, FU is known for attracting perhaps the finest undead ladies of Malton. Is this due to your personal animal magnetism?
BG: With exception? No sir we have the finest ladies in all of Malton! They come for the brains but stay for the relaxed and comfortable atmosphere. The Feral Undead have always been quick to defend not only its own females but any female in the city. Quickest way to provoke our wrath is to call some nice lady a hurtful name.
MH&S: I'll certainly echo that last part -- very chivalrous. But you clearly haven't seen the "Women of the RRF" calendar. Some of them even pose without many of their body parts on.... But it's still very tasteful.
BG: That sounds nice but also like it's a lot of work, and we are by nature lazy as all hell. I have, however, on three different occasions seen some of our female members... wrestle each other... clothes were ripped... and in a few cases bites were exchanged... hmm........ I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
MH&S: Mrh? Uh... I forget... I somehow... I got distracted. Uh... moving on, the standard cliches of the trenchcoater have fallen by the wayside as the harmanz started to realize that they were being made fun of for wearing trenchcoats and carrying useless automatic weapons and katanas. What signs do you look for to signify the more subtle, modern-day trenchcoater?
BG: Ah, yes, trenchies have abandoned the cliches but they still exist in many forms. From the guy in all camo with an assault rifle that isn't in the game strapped to his back to the man with the "haunting stare" or even the poor fellow with the misspelled name and description, they are everywhere, but congregate at the forts a lot.
MH&S: My personal favorite of the new symbols of trenchdom is Emo Poetry. Something about it just makes me really, really want to eat them.
BG: Haha, that is amusing, but personally i find that Emos leave an unpleasant aftertaste.
MH&S: Final question. The RRF: Great horde or greatest horde?
BG: Yeah they're ok, better than most. I will admit they throw a hell of a party!
MH&S: So... I can mark you down as saying "greatest"?
BG: I put little stock in titles.
MH&S: Okay, since you don't care, I'll just mark you down as another "greatest."
UnlifestylesSpecial Unlifestyles Wedding Report
MH&S exclusive interview with RRF couple-to-be - Cialan and Sergeant "Naners" Hawk
MH&S: First of all, allow me to congratulate you on your marriage, and on the beauty that is zambah love.
Banana: Aww, how sweet.
MH&S: How did the two of you meet?
Banana: I guess on IRC. If memory serves, things just kinda progressed.
Cialan: Yeah, on IRC. I couldn't say much in rattle at first other than "Mah zambah ganna namnamz Banana." So it was more like "love at first bite." At first, he told me that it would never work out, since we were too different. But I got him to change his mind. :)
Banana: Yeah, Cialan can be very persuasive. You know, feminine wiles and all.
MH&S: That's a real shocker, you seem like such a perfect couple.
Cialan: We are.
Cialan snuggles Banana <3
Banana: Things went pretty smoothly, I'm happy to say.
Cialan: I'm fortunate that he reappears from somewhere else after I namnamz him. Because sometimes I just can't help it.
Banana: No nasty mid-relationship crises.
Cialan: Right.
MH&S: That's a feature most zombie/herb couples only could dream of.
Banana: It's amazing how health-centric people can be when an animated fruit joins the channel.
Cialan: Yeah. It's a good thing you're a healthy food and not something made of processed sugar. We're all much healthier because of it.
Banana: Heh, indeed, otherwise I don't think anyone would have any teeth left.
Cialan: Right. Well, some don't. Fortunately I still have my lower jaw.
Banana: We can't all just sit around and eat bran :P
Cialan: GMT-BC does that for us.
MH&S: Let's talk about the upcoming wedding.
Cialan: It'll be to die for. ;)
Banana: Puns already? :D
MH&S: Hehe
Cialan: You know it.
MH&S: There has been a lot of speculation about the time and place of the ceremony ever since your marriage was announced.
Cialan: Well, it depends a lot on the availability of the building in which we wish to wed. Some harmanz think they can just use it
whenever they like, and we were waiting for the right moment to remove them from the premises.
Banana: Yeah, harmanz definitely have an annoying habit of "barricading" buildings for their own use.
MH&S: The Blackmore was mentioned, isn't that right?
Cialan: Mmhm.
Banana: That's what we planned.
MH&S: And the siege has not managed to discourage you?
Banana: Of course not! In any siege, zombies always have the upper hand. The only thing that can deter is sheer boredom, and with
Cialan, that's never a problem.
Cialan: <3
Banana snuggles
Cialan snuggles bagh <3
Cialan: We'll be married in Blackmore, though we probably can't announce the date and time to the general harman populace in advance, or they might not show up to be the buffet. There is a reception to follow, you know. And we've already announced that
brains will be served.
Banana: Quite, first class catering.
MH&S: Rumor has is that Papa Moloch himself will officiate the wedding.
Cialan: That is true.
Banana: Yep, and we're glad to have him.
Cialan: Very.
MH&S: I imagine that having him breathing will make the ceremony much more accessible to the less literate of us.
Banana: We didn't want to exclude anyone.
MH&S: But you won't personally be breathing, of course?
Banana: No, no, we'll be quite dead to my knowledge.
Cialan: Right, we'll definitely be dead. But our part is quite easy. "Mmhm." "Mah zambah hahgz zah graam." etc.
MH&S: That's a relief.
Cialan: Yes, it is. But Nanarz and I already got revived so we could have new clothes for the occasion.
Cialan models her new wedding dress which is already blood-soaked.
Banana: True, they're already soiled beyond repair, but we'll still look nice. Even if I am wearing ... pants ...
Banana shudders.
Banana: They chafe somethin' fierce.
MH&S: I'm almost tempted to ask why you chose to wear pants in the first place.
Cialan: That's a very good question, Zbanzh.
Banana: I needed to complete the ensemble, and if I was going to give up my Santa suit, I'm going all the way.
Cialan: I told him he didn't have to give up his Santa suit ;__; I'd love my Nanarz even if he did still look like Santa Claus.
Banana: I did it for you <3
Cialan: Or well, more like a yellow fruit in a Santa suit.
Banana: It was terribly threadbare anyway.
Cialan: awww <3
Banana nibbles Cialan affectionately.
Cialan: rawr :)
Cialan: In Soviet Malton, Banana eats you?
Banana grins.
Banana: Who knows, Malton could be in Russia.
Cialan: Perhaps.
MH&S: All right, I think we've covered what most our readers are wondering about. Unless you have anything more you'd like to say before we finish, I'd like to thank you both for taking the time to be interviewed.
Cialan: Oh, it was my pleasure! Thanks for your interest in our zambah marr!azh. :)
Banana: Thanks, and I hope to see you at the wedding.
MH&S: You certainly will.
Cialan: Note to our harman readers: If you'd like to come and be the buffet, you're more than welcome to.
Op-EdUsing some exhibits, you reinforce the prison of our minds.
There comes a time in every survivor's life when he must, despite the long history of bloodied corpses and ruined corners, take up weapons against the forces of Good and defend a mall. Its in that spirit of inevitable failure, the same zeitgeist that gave us Blackmores 2-13, that we once again find ourselves at arms with our breathing brothers at a time when we should be sharing hagz and kisses ( bites too, for the kinkier crowd). Why this upheaval of solidarity? Whats to blame for this sudden outbreak of segregation, as opposed to zombies. Well, the obvious answer is the barricade.
Barricades, by definition, are dividing. Existing for no purpose other then to destroy the modern Mixed-Mortality family, these monstrosities are slowly but surely ripping apart the values and morals of Malton. In the past, harmen and zambah came together in beautiful union. Whether it was Standstock or feeding drag, our two people have always managed to put aside the petty things such as eaten brains and headshots for the greater good. This has become much less common as of late. In fact, just this morning as this reporter soundly slumbered, a gang of thugs made him a victim. I'm not alone in this, as zombah on harmen and harmen on zombah violence in ever increasing. However, this is just yet another symptom of the true problem.
How can we steer ourselves off of this collision course to sectarian animosity? It's easier said than done, but this Optimist believes it to not only be a viable solution, but someday a reality. We must cast these barricades back into the rubble from which they were created.
Harmenz must leave their dank, stagnant, unhygienic houses and meet us Zombies in the open. Only then can we truly enjoy the perks of both undeath and hopeless apocalypse. We must set aside our differences of diet and state of decomposition in exchange for lovely evenings at the local park and street performances at the nearest monument. How long have we all yearned for "Bring a Brazzah" day at the cinemas, or "Z!zzahz free before 12" at a club near you.
It can be a reality. We can make it happen, we just need to join together across the city, hand-in-claw. Only then will we be able to free ourselves of the bondage placed on us by Barricades.
Eye Candy(mmmm, eyes... a tasty garnish)
Thanks For Making It This Far Down The PageFrom the RRF to you, we wish you luck amidst the pleasant ruins of Malton.
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