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The only pulse we keep is the news
Top StoriesWriters Stricken!Legions of undead writers fail to ?rise to the occasion, readers crushed
Malton is disappointed at the lack of production coming from the nearly deserted offices of the Malton Herald & Sun. After such a bright beginning, the paper has failed to follow through on its maiden voyage. Speculation is that most of the staff has been Headshot so severely as to cause a near-permanent state of immobility. No one really knows the true fates of these valiant reporters - perhaps they have been destroyed in some gruesome harman ritual, or have merely become comatose in idleness. Not even this paper can discover the full truth.
Tragic as this is personally for these poor zethren, the MH&S and its faithful readers also suffer, as its output has slowed to sloth-like speeds. The current editor is in a mad panic as to the state and future of his fledgling production. Replacements seem not to be forthcoming, and deadlines have come and gone unheeded. "I can haz new issue?" asks one Johnny Bass, of the RRF. The question is repeated throughout the reading populace of the Front and of the city. What could the answer be? Will we see another issue of the MH&S?
There is hope, however, dear reader. Do not despair. The cry from the public is too much to deny - we must continue our work. The MH&S will strive to bring you the best real and pretend news as best we can. We will scour the city to find writers willing to join our work, be they Ridley or otherwise. We cannot deny the people. Yes, Johnny, you can haz new issue.
Ridleybank Vanishes Without a Trace"I looked, and there it was, gone" says one stunned Iwitness
- by Tarman and Johnny Bass
The RRF, while named after the famed suburb of its birth, rarely operates within its borders due to the chronic food shortages experienced in the Homeland while the bulk of its combat forces reside there for too long. The greater Ridleybank area has provided sustenance for some time, but even the most stalwart zethren would like a change of pace in their steady diet of Kilties and Fortress. Thus it has been decided that the Front will depart its loved lands to spread their message of joyous evolution to hitherto ignorant parts of the glorious city that is Malton. The New Flesh Tour is designed to enlighten, not to harm; to bring peace through unity, as all harmanz are brought to a closer understanding of our ways through direct experiences of being dead.
But there are some harmanz who insist that they stay devolved, and work round the clock to undo our proud decorative work in our very birthplace. They carry more vile weapons than the shotgun and axe - they are armed with clanking toolboxes, smelly generators, and hissing spraycans. They board up our dwellings, ignite disgusting lights in the unhallowed halls of Blackmoar, and, most chagrining of all, they write rude messages across our barnz which we have no way of removing. This can no longer be tolerated. Thus, the RRF has come up with a daring plan. We are taking the Bank with us.
Zambahz have been diligent in their efforts to carry the barnz of their homeland in order to save them from ignorant harman defacement. AU10 has been witnessed toting Blackmoar across their collective backs, while Moggridge PD, our holy place, is the responsibility of that ancient and legendary (some say even mythical) team, GMTBC. Other teams and even individual zethren have also laid claim to various important and/or historical barnz, in a horde-wide effort to preserve not only our heritage but our sanity. The various Excursions and Tours in which the Front participates inevitably lead to a time where harmanz delusionally believe they have been victorious conquerors of our Ridleybank, despite the usual outcome of their being killed by the grizzled and eternal Homeland defenders or the return of the rest of the horde. They rant and dance about ridiculously, generally being annoying to those of us who disdain the breathing of oxygen. The Front's radical new plan will hopefully put an end to this behaviour for the most part, though one can still imagine a harman gloating as he places a dented locker over top a hole in the ground and claims he has 'made this place safe' for harmanz once again.
Malls Fall to Zethren ForcesSurvivor Security Zone a myth, claim observers
Many malls in recent weeks have gone down to combined zambah attacks by the RRF and various allied and feral forces. Nichols Mall, the site of such bloody battles earlier this year, went down in a few days during one of the latest strikes upon it, much as Ackland earlier in the month, Tynte before it, and Woodroffe after those. Hildebrand Mall is the latest victim in a series of brutally successful ruinations by our brave Front-line troops, with the RRF main force DoHS and units Team America and the Gore Corps providing two ruined corners in one attack window, and GMTBC and AU10 finishing the other half, all in the space of fifteen hours. The harmanz have been routed from many areas of the so-called SSZ, fleeing the destruction wrought by the forces of the undead.
This is still no reprieve for other TRPs (Tactical Resource Points) in locations nearby these ill-fated malls. Countless NTs have been raided and vandalised to protect our younger, un-rotted friends and neighbours. Police stations and auto repair shops have also felt the pain of zambah attacks, as zethren cut off critical supply lines and sources. Harmanity has had a tough time surviving securely in the SSZ, and future predictions seem to show more of the same on the horizon. Harmanz wishing to remain in these areas are dutifully advised to cover themselves in barbaga zaaz in order to facilitate their evolution.
News In PassingDEM Attempts Reform
The Department of Emergency Management made steps towards reforming their policies and the practices of their members. Upon realizing that this may actually make the DEM useful, the reforms were promptly rejected. An anonymous MFD member was quoted as saying "EHB is an entrypoint too, right?" No further comments were made available as of now. When our zombie reporters were sent to get an interview with DEM staff, the staff promptly ran away at the sight of them (apparently afraid to comment on this). The MH&S will continue to track down DEM members to secure the much sought after interview.
Veteran's Month
During July and the beginning of August, we witnessed the return of many veterans of the RRF. Old soldiers ?rose and brushed off the dust and detritus of sometimes months to shamble back to the horde of their younger days. Most of the happy returns were unrelated other than by timing, though some were the result of a chain reaction of "Oh, yeah, Malton! I'll shamble again. And I can get hold of ...". The legendary Packers strike team saw the return of a few members, as did current strike team AU10. The resurgence of these sometimes legendary zethren has given the RRF a boost of confidence and pride, as those who saw the first Caigar fight tooth and claw alongside zethren who joined our battle during the Siege of Nichols. There have been unconfirmed rumours that tapioca pudding and/or assisted walking devices have played a part in this influx of old-school Ridleys, but regardless, we welcome our returning heroes. The Front is always your family, and we are glad to have you back with us.
UnlifestylesRRF Radio Runs Rampant
The Messiah materialises as a myrmidon of megaHertz-measured magnificence
The ZombieBabyJesus, recently returned veteran and saviour of the RRF, has also resurrected the loudest voice in the Front, and it's not who you're thinking (who ARE you thinking of?) No, it's RRF Radio, the broadcast mouthpiece of our illustrious horde. RRFR comes to you from a secret location somewhere in the city, bringing you the choicest tracks, the best request service, and the ever-popular and entertaining ZBJ hosting the aural event for you. Recent jockeys Johnny Bass and Zoey Zarg have also been putting their own shows out across the airwaves as the radio phenomenon takes off, with all the jockeys being supported by a small but dedicated staff keeping the behind-the-scenes effort running. The irrepressible spirit of Barhah powers the station on 28.49. If you're still not convinced, we present a transcript of a typical RRF Radio broadcast [1] . Worth getting needled to pick up a radio.
The Wedding of the Year
Love transcends death for happy couple
The Front is a ruthless killing machine while at work, but off the field of battle, Ridleys take time out for the important things in unlife, such as matters of the heart. The love between two of our zethren, Naners and Cialan, became strong enough to bring them together in marriage. The Siege of Nichols was the backdrop of a beautiful story of love and sacrifice, as the couple were repeatedly gunned down together, being the last two standing after a raid on numerous occasions. After making arrangements, finding outfits, and killing their way across Nichols Mall and then three or four suburbs, the blood-soaked couple ended up in the unhallowed and pleasantly ruined halls of Blackmoar, in the heart of the Homeland. The ceremony was well attended. Many of the best and brightest of the RRF members, and even some non-Front guests were there, having anticipated the event since midway through the siege of Nichols, when initial planning took place.
The Papa himself, Lord Moloch, performed the ceremony in his work attire, so as to facilitate the ceremony. A full transcription was obtained by many attendees as a souvenir of the day's events. Here is a copy of such a transcript [[2]], for those who couldn't be there. RRF Radio also covered the event, with a transcript of that broadcast available as well [[3]]. The happy couple returned to duty soon after their honeymoon, reclaiming their accustomed spots in the hugely successful DoHS strike unit, Team America. They work together to spread the happiness of Barhah that they share themselves.
Eye CandySupport this campaign, and end all those obnoxious moments when you see sprayed on the walls of Blackmoar, "Papa Moloch is a gorilla in drag". Rumour has it that this poster has also been turned into a template by persons unknown. Track it down and use it!
Thanks For Making It This Far Down The PageThe Front Page - Here is the Back Page
From the RRF to you, we wish you luck amidst the pleasant ruins of Malton.
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