Red Rum/Hunting Season
| Hunting Season | |||||
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| Date | 8th December 2010 (Official Opening) | ||||
| Place | |||||
| Reasoning | In the attempt to allow Maltonians the ability to enjoy a fun, traditional past-time practiced by all pre-outbreak rednecks, Red Rum have descended upon the area of Brooksville and marked Deer to be shot, freely, by any surviving Human. | ||||
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“I thought Hurricane Hunting Season was over!”
~ Karlito on the current state of RedRum affairs.
Background
After a scholar googled discovered a stack of papers with scrawled writings of hate and disgust directed towards Red Rum, Rummers everywhere cried out in anguish and disgust at the ill treatment they had been subjected too. Several members met peacefully with the Malton Giants -- the ill-natured belligerents -- discussing how best to remedy the problem, and successfully resolved it by agreeing to an apology from their leader on the grounds that he dresses up in a silly outfit. Unbeknownst to the Malton Giants, however, one witty Rummer stuck a 'kick me' sign to the back of the opposing sides' leader and another illiterate rummer misread this as 'shoot me'; before anyone could understand what was going on, glorious battle had erupted in the streets between Monocle-weilding Rummers and a side lead by a man in a day-glo jacket and antlers. Thus, the Red Ranch was born again.
The Beginnings
The Red Ranch opened with a display of Fireworks and a grand buffet was provided for the first Peculiar Patrons. This was short lived, however, when several environmental groups crashed the party, causing said Patrons to dash to the gun cabinet and -- between calls of 'more whiskey' and 'fetch the hounds!' -- proceed to chase them away from the lavish wood furniture.
The Plot Thickens
After only a few days of campaigning, one of the environmental groups disappeared, and the amount of animals in the hunting reserve increased. When questioned about it, a Ranch hand reportedly replied that "there has always been the same amount of cattle, and if you don't believe me, look at their horns!" What this means is beyond even the authors of this article, although it should be noted that Malton's store of duct tape has been significantly reduced, and the Deer, rather unusually, have only two legs.
Open War
The intent of The Environmentalists was displayed to Ranch Hands by a show of force in which they covered a Patron's mask and suit jacket with red paint. Ranch Hands decided enough was enough, and gave them permanent 'you are not our friend' cards in the form of Shotgun Buckshot. Any hippy-looking youngsters were, from this point, forcefully ejected from the Red Ranch premises.
This was not, however, taken kindly by the tree huggers, and they ramped up their activities by hitting hard and fast with a targeted-leaflet campaign and vegetarian bake-sale. One passer-by was quoted saying that she had never experienced, before, such a ferocious falafel sandwich.
Midgame
After being continually hunted, most of the deer residing within the Hunting grounds had fled, running amok in one direction or another and dropping all group-affiliations in the process. This left Ranch Hands and all Peculiar Patrons with a dilemma: no longer had they any game to shoot, and the trip to the hunting lodge was far too tiring to leave without at least sampling the local women.
All too quickly a solution was formed: Rifles were to be fitted with, at the end of the barrel, a pair of antlers. This solved the problem of the lack of deer instantly: now everything was fair game! Environmentalists (or, those that were left to oppose the 'Ranch) looked on in awe, and more often than not kevlar shielding, as everything was shot at; other Ranch Hands, Patrons and even the Ranch Management. Actually, the Ranch Management was shot at a lot. More than would like to be admitted. But, we digress. Noone was safe, now; it was as if the whole might of Odin had descended upon the suburb in a fit of Berserker Rage. Buildings were ruined, people were slain and there was certainly nothing short of an open-air billboard protest that the Environmentalists could do to stop it.
Final Moves, And The Destruction Of The Lodge
After all was said and done, it was time for the Aristocracy of Red Rum to move on. They packed up their bags, collated their teapots and adorned themselves in their best suits before bidding the place adieu until next year. They then promptly proceeded to destroy absolutely everything. The walls of the lodge were torn down, but only after the calves and remaining deer were slain in what can only be described as awesome incarnite. Even from their strategic vantage point on the other side of Malton, Team Zombie Hardcore were said to have observed the carnage and utter the words "we haven't ran far enough yet" before scarpering again like the mousy bunch of mice they are.
Farewell, Red Ranch, until next time.
