Coal Miner's Union
| Coal Miner's Union | |
| |
| Abbreviation: | CMU |
| Group Numbers: | Coal Miners |
| Leadership: | Alphonsio DeLaretti |
| Goals: | To save Monroeville from the hordes of black lung victims, fight for better wages and fill in the giant underground mine intent on destroying the city. |
| Recruitment Policy: | Open to anyone with a heart as black as their face, or who shun the sun |
| Contact: | The Talk Page |
We're Mad As Hell, And We're Not Going To Take It Anymore!
Are you tired of waking up every morning and having to face the hated sun? Do you have such a bad case of the black lung that you walk around biting and clawing people until they get it? Are you sick of not getting paid enough for digging giant, collapsable underground coal mines? Well the CMU has the answer. Join our cause! Fight for a higher wage! Help contain the black lung pandemic! Smite those who live beneath the hated sun!
The Great Mine
Most people know that it was Coal Miners who dug the giant coal mine underneath our fair Monroeville. It provided heat, steel, and pollution to a grateful populace. What people don't understand is that it is the source of all our problems! In about three weeks (or whenever this movie is done showing) the mine is predicted to collapse! Only us Coal Miners can prevent this "Apocalypse" from befalling the people of Monroeville, and indeed the molemen who live beanth us. And still the bastards at the Mining Company won't raise wages! We refuse to help!
Black Lung
After years of toiling in the deep dark Earth, the miners uncovered something. Something evil. The worst cases of black lung ever seen. The horrible malady leads to deformity and extreme drunkenness. The worst cases are doomed to walk the streets forever, speaking gibberish and mistakenly trying to eat our fellow man. And worst of all, the Mining Company refuses to raise of wages for it!
Strike!
Not only are the Miner's too drunk to help, we are too furious. All light-lovers who cross our picket lines will be endlessly bombarded with drunken slurs and shotgun shells. This will continue until the Mining Company agrees to raise our wages.
Union Representative
Alphonsio DeLaretti was born in Monroeville to a full Irish whore, and some say to a moleman father. He started working on the great mine when he was 5 years old, got the Black Lung at 6, and learned how to hold his scotch at age 7. His heart is as black as his face.
