Malton Rovers Football Club

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The original team. Reports suggest the trophies pictured were stolen from Curton Mansion

The Malton Rovers, Malton's notorious football team, once graced the filthy locker rooms of Malton's own Floyde Stadium. The team has led a colourful and chequered past. Although they are said to have been founded sometime around 1890, the actual history of the team was destroyed in the Great Fire of 1912 and no one was bothered enough to write it down again.

Although the Rovers have faced a fair few scandals in their lifetime, they have managed to persevere and in fact hold a number of league records. For instance, they have the record for the most bones broken in a single match (7 clean breaks, two hairline, and a compound fracture); they are the first team ever to have three digits scored against them (108-1, or a goal just over every minute); and they have the longest losing streak on record, which dates back to the destruction of the records themselves. It is rumoured that they won once before that, but it is as yet unconfirmed.

Their controversial "final match" was held against Monroeville United, and was called by the ref in the 83rd minute following a vicious bite attack from Malton's own #11 Jimmy "Crotch Punch" O'Houlihan, who was playing an unusually sluggish (even by his standards) game in midfield. Three other suspiciously slow Malton players were thrown off earlier; two for unprovoked claw attacks and one for a less gore-producing bite. Although the just-over-walking speeds of the Malton team were nothing new to the fans, the bizarre lurching and terror-inducing groans the players produced proved to be an effective strategy, and were actually up 2-1 when O'Houlihan disembowelled his opponent.

One lucky fan shows off the match winning ball.

When the match was called, the fans - eager for their first-ever victory and perhaps inspired by the amount of blood they'd seen - rapidly degenerated into an uncontrollably angry mob, tearing the stadium apart seat by seat and reducing it to a state from which it has never recovered. In spite of early rumours about a quarantine for the city of Malton, the surviving remainders of the Monroeville team and the few Monroeville fans who managed to escape with their lives were air-lifted to safety.

Fans of the Rovers can still be seen, sporting the traditional blue home jerseys of their favourite players and wearing the blue-and-white scarves which provoke mockery from all corners of the country.