RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0908left
The former Papa and current senile member of the RRF remembers things from the days when he could actually remember things. Listen and learn, younglings!
- by Murray Jay Suskind, COG
The First Battle of Blackmore I
Let me tell you a story about the time that the Blackmore Building was occupied by a bunch of harmanz. Now back in the old days this didn't happen every time some trenchcoater thought it'd be fun to poke our shoulder when we had our backs turned. You see, in my day our opponents had class, as well as perfect hair. So these harmanz decided to run into Blackmore with a bunch of onions tied around their belts, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry to Ridleybank cost a nickel, only back then nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Give me five bees for a quarter" you'd say.
Now where was I? Oh, so there were some harmanz in Blackmore. At the time us Ridleys didn't think much, not just because we were dead and therefore have no brain function, but because the harmanz were never so crass and brazen as to think they could actually hold anything in Ridleybank. They'd race into the 'bank and barricade up a bunch of buildings and then leave. Vandalize our homes, but not stay around to admire their handy work. So the whole thing kind of grew until there were about infinity billion harmanz inside Blackmore. It was about this time we noticed that there was plenty of fresh brains delivered right to our front door. So we woke up at five in the morning and drove 20 miles below the speed limit with the left turn blinker on to the buffet.
When we got there we noticed that the buffet had been barricaded to high Kevan. Now, in those days the barricades wouldn't stay down if you had some zombies inside. Nope, one harman would have the pluck and ingenuity to move a plastic tree past 30 zombies and build the barricades right back up if he wanted to. This confused us, so instead of using the fancy, hoity-toity "let's attack the tactical resource point" a bunch of us would break into the harmanz safehouses and eat the easy to get brains. Those were simpler times when getting inside a completely unimportant building for food would make us happy, and that's the way we liked it!
Now about that time a couple of new groups of Ridleys started making a big ruckus in the horde. One comely lass and her friends would even take on the curse of life in order to demonstrate to the harmanz what a detriment it was to them. They were called the Gore Corps, and no one really noticed what they did since there were about three of them at the time. But they killed Ron Burgundy a lot, consarnit! Then there was a group of spry young zombies that called themselves Auxunit 10. They were a crazy group of scallawags putting up all sorts of crazy posters all over Ridleybank and giving themselves crazy titles and killing all sorts of harmanz. I should know because I was one of them. I've even got the branding on my behind to prove it!
Anyway, we didn't have your fancy tactics of all gathering around one vital harman depot and attacking it until it fell, so we kept hitting safehouses and had a nice group of cunning young lads called the Packers attacking Nichols Mall. They were attacking Nichols because... well... why not? Sure there were over 300 harmanz inside Blackmore, but we wanted the famed sugared water of their food courts and the booze in their liquor stores. One thing we didn't have to worry about were those crazy kilts. In my day the survivors didn't wear those awful kilts! They wore their wicked pants and didn't pretend that they had BARHAH! It makes me roll over in my grave to think about those kids running around in their kilts claiming that they're not pants! They are goddamnit!
So what was I saying? Oh, so with the Packers attacking Nichols Mall, AU10 attacking Tynte Mall and the GMTBC off on one of their wacky adventures, there was just a big old group of ferals attacking Blackmore. That was until this strange group of zombies who knew what they were doing showed up. About 100 of them cracked into Nichols Mall at once one night and brought the whole place down. And back then that was really an accomplishment because no one else had done anything remotely like that ever before. The following night, they cracked open Blackmore and a flood of zombies came pouring in. DoHS (which was what the Praetorian Guard was called in those days), Group 0 (which was what DoHS was called in those days) and then the strike teams all shambled into the open brain buffet. There were so many zombies squaredancing (which was hard to do in those days because zombies couldn't gesture!) and groaning and shouting Barhah! that no one had a clue what was going on. But eventually we got the ransack (which was what ruin was called back in those days) and the harmanz fled back to their precious malls in the outlying suburbs.
Yep, back in those days a battle in Ridleybank meant something. The harmanz came for a real fight and we sure as hell gave 'em one. You don't see big groups like they had anymore. Nope, they hole themselves up in Forts nowadays. Hell, in my day a Fort was no more protection than a Police Department. And that's the way we liked it!
Now where was I? Oh yes, so to take the ferry cost a nickel....
