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WANTED - The Top 20 Deadbeat List
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Deadbeats. They take on all sorts of shapes and sizes. Much like poo. You get the runny ones that smear all the way down, and you get the big ones that it's difficult to pass, and the ones which if you take your eyes off them, they disappear like a ginger in a rusty garage.
And we've found much the same. We have a massive list of 'asshats' who've pissed on our chips at one point or another, and, as a result we've taken it upon ourselves to give them a solid fisting every time we can be arsed. Now, you can rest assured that, even with the most dedicated griefer who holds up their Rogues Gallery Platinum Membership card we try and deal with them as fairly as possible. In the main, it's our Knight Watchmen who're the ones entrusted in battering these pillocks into submission as often as possible, allowing our regulars the opportunity to finish their chosen beverages in peace.
But that's not to say there aren't risks out there. There are. There's a group of people who want nothing less than to spill your pints, eat your last Monster Munch and park their sweaty backsides on your favourite stool. And as such, the Burchell Arms Regulars provide fr. yr. delectation our abridged version of our deadbeat list, so you can be kept aware of the biggest threats arseholes likely to be out and about in Rolt Heights, Pescodside and the general North East of Malton.
Finally, in the interests of clarity, and if you're thinking about being a criminal in the North East of Malton; think twice. If you get on our Deadbeat List, we will continue to pagger you until you either leave the North East, or you man-up and apologise in which case we'll all have a chat, a game of cribbage and a nice round of sherries on us. Cheers!
STOP PRESS
If you see a FOP wandering around, oh BAR chums, just ignore them, with any luck they'll bog off back to their garden and stop irritating us. Cheers.
| Asshat Name
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Crime
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Last Known Whereabouts
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Points for a "Fisting"
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| Ben Harding
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PKer
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Rolt Heights
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5 (It's a doozy!)
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| Peter Braunstein
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Text Rape
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Rolt Heights
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If there's one thing we cannot abide it's Catch Some Z's. If there's one thing we cannot stand MORE is TEXT RAPE. Which is what this soggy bag of puke is guilty of.
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| Fistbump Jackson
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PKer
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Paynterton
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7 points we like to call him PissFlump Spangson or Bitchlump Wankton or Fisted Hamster or other HILARIOUS things. It gives us a fillip when we see him out and about and would otherwise implode with the sheer boredom generated by this gobshite.
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| He's Dead Jim
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Griefing Butthole
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Hanging around petting zoos. Or Rolt Heights.
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8 - He's boring and predictable, but that's not to say kicking his ass isn't fun.
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| Josh CIark
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Text Rapists
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Rolt Heights
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10 - You kick this massive shit's arse, and you'll go to heaven, my son/ daughter. Please note the capital 'I' in this nutsack's name, this marks him out against the original Josh Clark who's a fabby stand-up guy. Hopefully this sets the record straight. Capital I CIark = asshole, lower-case l Clark = stand up guy. Whup that asshole my pretties!
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| Everyone In Here
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Meat Puppet and Griefer... You watch out, we've a funny feeling there's collusion between EiH and CSZs...
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Linda Watkins' fanny pack
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6 - it'd be lovely to imagine you didn't have to wallop this knobhead, but life is cruel, my love.
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| bluewaterdragon
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Big pansy. Gardener
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Rolt Heights
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2 - only if you're desperate - is he one of these FOPs I see wandering around? If so, ignore, he's pointless.
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| Kannibal Klown
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PKer
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Rolt Heights
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8 - He's NEW on the Top 20! Dull, but new.
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| Brother McBeaner
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PKer
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Rolt Heights
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4 - kicking this arsehole's arse is like a rite of passage for, like, anyone with good sense
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| Catch Some Zs
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EiH's RG-quoting bumchum
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Rolt Heights
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5 - he's boring, but... Well, we all have to do the 'admin' don't we?
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| Whitlock Wizard
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Griefer
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Who cares, probably Rolt Heights
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4 - a confirmed griefer, so fair game. Feel free to panel-beat him into submission.
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| MTDARchAngel
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PKer, Griefer and Liar
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Rolt Heights
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10 - this twat is wearing Burchell Arms Regular's tags - he ain't one of us. Kick his pansy ass.
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| RainingFire
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PKer & Zerger
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Rolt Heights
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2 - If you happen upon this one who thinks he looks good, put him right, eh?
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| Battlemaster
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Text Rape
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Rolt Heights
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3 - Battlemaster? Fat on Pasta more like. Hit it, and try not to feel bad.
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| stevejobsfan
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Griefer
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Rolt Heights
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10 points for a win, because he's fresh like he's got dice in his mirror.
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| ToddAtkins
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Text Rape
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Rolt Heights
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10 - Text rape is a crime. People on Facebook get prison time for less. Think about that you creepy virgin.
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| Raining Fire
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PKer & Zerger
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Rolt Heights
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He took advantage of our hospitality, now we're going to give him some horse-brutality.
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| Cosmoodd
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PKer
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Rolt Heights
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3 points and that's it. That's all they're worth.
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| Slar
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PKer
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Rolt Heights
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He's fat! He's bald! He's never kissed a woman*! We know him as 'Cole' Slar; mainly down to the doohickey version of facial herpes he sports so fashionably. Do him, my pretties! *NB, in order to satisfy a particularly hawkish group of solicitors acting on behalf of Mr Slar I need to point out that he has never actually kissed a real woman. The distinction is important in terms of law.
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| Opey Taylor
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PKer
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Schreiber Drive PD, Rolt Heights
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This wet otter is known universally as 'Opeless' Taylor for good reason. He comes round our patch gloating no-one ever adds him to the RG. It's 'cos the RG's shit, mate. You're on our deadbeat list, will that do yer?
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