The Church of Pete/Petians

This article is about the religious philosophy. For the Church proper, see The Church of Pete.

Pete's impalement upon the NecroTech syringe...

...and his immediate ?rise to the dead.

The Petians are members of the Church of Pete (full name: The One True Holy and Apostolic Church of our Lord Shambling Pete), who are zombies that believe Shambling Pete is their Messiah and Chosen One, on account of his greatest miracle, having been stuck with a NecroTech syringe by Gocad inside Pagram Library one block south of Caiger Mall, and, upon standing up after being thrown outside, being dead once more.

Their numbers are swelling quickly, as more and more hear the Word of Pete. The beliefs of Petians can best be summed up in Pete's own words: "I am the way, the truth, and the undeath. No one comes unto the BARHAH, except through me."

The Petians are not a group, except for Pete's priests, monks, vicars, knights, and soldiers that compose the clerical and militant arm of the Church of Pete and all Zombiedom is welcome to embrace the Word of Pete, that the Spirit of BARHAH may transcend groups, and unite us all in the Undeath.

The Miracles of Pete

Here is documented some of the many miracles that Pete has worked.

The Desurrection of Pete or The ?rise of Pete

On Thursday, February the Ninth, in the First Year of Pete, at approximately 9:00AM EST, it was that Shambling Pete was outside Pagram Library, laying siege to it, when a mighty groan emanated from inside, for the barricades had fallen, and the morsels inside were delicious. Thus it was that Pete entered Pagram Library, and laid his hands upon the harmanz, to cast out the foul demon of breath. But lo, they were waiting for Pete, and Gocad, soldier in the survivor's army, pierced Pete's flesh with a NecroTech syringe, and then, as they cast lots for his leisure suit, they tossed his body unceremoniously outside, upon the cold street. Pete stood. But Pete was not alive, and no breath rattled his sunken chest, nor did any blood pump through his blackened heart. For Pete remained dead.

It was thus that after Pete was Desurrected, he put his disciples to the test. At first, they were skeptical, and disbelieving of any miracle, but Pete wanted their faith to lead them, and did not tell them what had happened. But one, Satans_mechanic, was not to be fooled. Below appears the log (this IRC log has been edited. It has been formatted to fit your TV screen, and abridged for time concerns)

<ShamblingPete> hmm

<ShamblingPete> something went wrong

<ShamblingPete> got revivified

<ShamblingPete> but I'm still dead

<ShamblingPete> isn't there something not right about that?

<Sauth> Pete: did you stand up yet?

<ShamblingPete> yes

<ShamblingPete> Since your last turn:

<ShamblingPete> * Gocad revivified you with a NecroTech syringe. (02-09 09:11:00 AM)

<ShamblingPete> You have been killed.

<ShamblingPete> Possible actions:

<ShamblingPete> You are Shambling Pete and you are dead. You have 50 Hit Points and 52 Experience Points. You have 1 Action Points remaining. (~2 to home (1N))

<ShamblingPete> what the hell?

<Satans_mechanic> maybe you're the zombie messiah!

<Satans_mechanic> the chosen one!

<Satans_mechanic> Pete is the chosen one! He survived revivification!

* Sauth bows down before Pete

<Sauth> All hail Pete

<ShamblingPete> Damn right all hail Pete

For their faith, Stan was made Pope, and Sauth was made Lord High Inquisitor. Thus is the Miracle of Pete.

The Infliction of Leprosy

Pete saw before him a zombie who had not heard his word, and proclaimed it to him. Thus when the young zombie heard the word of Pete, so stricken was he that he immediately contracted leprosy.

The Laying on of Hands

Pete saw before him the poor survivors, stricken, as it were, with life. Pete, ever full of mercy, extended his hands, and tangling them in the grasp of his death grip, he did rend their flesh, and thus, by his laying of hands, were the living returned once more to the dead.

The Parting of the Barricades

Pete saw before him the barricades, the veritable gateway between the undead and the cruel land of the living, and wishing to bridge it not only for himself, but for all zombiekind, did he raise his claws, and thus the barricades fell, at last to loosely, and then, to none, and thus the zombies entered the realms of the living and traversed freely between them, that they might know the miracles of Pete

The Turning of Eight Hours into Eight Minutes

Thus Pete did want to proclaim his glorious desurrection to Zombiedom, but lo, for he was lazy, and wished to sleep. Thus he promised his Supreme Pontiff, and the Pontiff's Chamberlain, and the Lord High Inquisitor, and all other Petians present, that he would post about it in eight hours, and as he swayed, he thought, "to hell with it, I'll do it now," and thus the post came about in eight minutes, and so Eight Hours was turned into Eight Minutes, and it was good.

The Parables of Pete

Pete has told many parables which may be of use to Petians and Zombiedom in general in finding guidance in dark times. Some of them are reproduced below.

The Parable of the Good Survivor

The Parable of the Good Survivor is meant to illustrate Pete's compassion towards all zombiedom, and the tolerance that we are to extend to kindly survivors, who are our truer rotting kin than those of us who turn a blind eye to the suffering of our fellow zombies.

Then SYL turned to Pete and said, "But LORD, are not the survivors our enemies? Do they not strike us with axes, and smite us with shot and bullets?"

And Pete replied, "A zombie shambled near Caiger, alone, and near 0 HP. A Pwotter passed him by, and did not turn his head. Then, a Ridleybank Resistor passed him by, and did not even give him a feeding groan. Then, as the Zombie was to spend his last AP, he collapsed, outside the NecroTech building. But a kindly harman saw him, and pitied him. He gave the Zombie his fireman's jacket, and said 'Young zombie, I am near death. Take, eat of my brains, that you may digest and unlive, and earn XP. I shall join you in the unlife'."

Thus Pete turned to his disciples and said, "Who do you think is more priviledged in the Eyes of BARHAH? Go, and be like the survivor."

The Parable of the Skills

The Parable of the Skills is meant to illustrate Pete's frustration at lack of Zombie iniative, or throwing away what BARHAH has given you.

Satanic Mechanic and Sauth were eating the sweetbreads of a harman with Pete, when Sauth said, "LORD, I have XP, but no desire to spend it, for I want to revive, and get body building and diagnosis, rather than spending the same amount on scent fear and scent blood."

Thus Pete turned to Sauth and said, "Three zombies struck at Barrville. One was Level 1, one was Level 5, and one was Level 9. The one at Level 1 did poorly, and his take was meager, and he earned but 12 XP. He said to himself, 'I shall use this 12 XP to put into the 92XP I already have, and with it I shall buy Death Grip, that next time I may earn more. The Level 5 fared better, for the random number generator was kind to him, and most of his blows landed, and his reward in XP was great, for it numbered five and one-hundred. Thus was he able to acquire Memories of Life, and Ankle Grab. However, the Level 9 was well treated even better by the random number generator, that all his blows landed, and his XP did number fifty and one-hundred. He had only Vigour Mortis, and Death Grip, and Rend Flesh, and Neck Lurch, and Tangling Grasp, and Lurching Gait, and Ankle Grab, and Memories of Life, and Feeding Groan. He thus kept his XP, which now totalled over two-hundred, that he may be revived, and take body building, and diagnosis, and find a flak jacket.

"Thus the three returned to their Warlord, who asked how they fared. The Level 1, now a Level 2, reported in, and the Warlord was greatly pleased with the results. The Level 5, now Level 7, told his Warlord how he fared, and the Warlord pulled back the decayed muscle about his teeth, and opened his permanently gaping mouth hole wide in happiness, for he was equally pleased, and could not wait to hear the success of the Level 9, who it was said now had over 200 XP from the run. But when the Level 9 told him he was still Level 9, the Warlord was furious, and cast him out, saying that he had rejected the gifts BARHAH gave him, and should wander Barrville forever as a feral."

Church of the Holy Desurrection

Pagram Library, being the site of Pete's miraculous ascension back into the dead, has been declared by Pope Pedro I as a holy site, heretoforth known as the Church of the Holy Desurrection. Zombies are encouraged to make pilgrimages here, in hopes of knowing the mysteries of Pete.

Plans are already underway to reclaim this and surrounding holy lands from the hands of the survivors who usurped it.

Structure of the Church of Pete

Although Shambling Pete is, in effect, the de facto leader, he takes very little active role in his religion, instead offering benedictions and annointments to the zombies who come to him. The actual leader is Satanic Mechanic, who has taken on the Papal name of Pedro I.

The Church of Pete is divided into an ecclesiastical hierarchy, roughly as follows.

• Supreme Pontiff (aka the Pope)
• Cardinals (including the Lord High Inquisitor, the Papal Chamberlain, and other positions)
• Archbishops
• Bishops
• Archdeacons
• Priests
• Deacons

There is also a military hierarchy for knights-crusader and other soldiers. In descending order of prescedence, they are:

• Lord Protector
• Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Syringe
• Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of Pagram
• Knight of the Most Noble Order of St. Stan
• Knight of the Noble Order of Ridleybank
• Knight of the Noble Order of Mornington
• Knight of the Order of Ackland

For more information on these positions, please consult the Church of Pete.

Pope Pedro I's historic first sermon, commemorating the ?rise of Pete

Pope Pedro I ushered in his reign as the Supreme Pontiff of the Church of Pete by offering his first sermon, preserved here for the sake of posterity

And lo! It is told that many days past (perhaps 2), a humble young zambah by the name of Pete did stand meek and unassuming before the building you know as Pagram Library. And there came unto him a vile harman, full of hate and stale donuts, bearing the instrument of Pete's ascension, and wielding the filthy needle in a mighty arc, the harman struck poor Pete and he fell, and all who saw him thought him to be breathing for sure...

Yet behold! Pete arose from the Earth, not a depraved stinking mall rat, cursed to suffer the bonds of life, nay! Pete arose from this unprovoked attack whole, unharmed, and also, transformed, for in the Desurrection of Pete, he has revealed himself as the one true Messiah.