User:SirArgo/Osiris333
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Roleplaying Notice |
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| Osiris333 a.k.a "The ShamWow/SlapChop Stalker" | |||||||||||||||||
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Note: I don't actually hate Vince Offer. Him and his SlapChop and ShamWow ads have provided me with hours of entertainment and any man who can get away with saying "you're gonna love my nuts" on non-cable TV, has my respect. Though I would never buy his products, only Billy Mays has that power over me.
RIP Billy Mays
Backstory
Called a madman by most, Osiris lost his mind after being forced to watch The Underground Comedy Movie time and time again...or at least reading the bad reviews way too many times. He became so obsessed with the unholiness of the movie, that he literally turned into one of the characters, the most over used and copyright infringing of them all! Deciding that any civilization that would dare create such trash needed to be punished, he has roamed Malton ever since killing people he believes exemplifies the evils of that movie or of it's creator, Vince Offer. His fevered brain is constantly dreaming up news ways of stopping Vince and his tools of evil like the SlapChop and the ShamWow.
Top Threats to Malton
These are my current top KOS people and groups who I encourage you to help me kill if you so feel the inclination
People
1. SlapChop4 Killed once - A high ranking general in Vince's army, SlapChop4 was eliminated in July of 2009's Anti-Vince offense in Malton's South Westerly suburbs. If he somehow regains sentient life, be that undead or living, you should attack at once. He is to be kept void of all life, at all times. Last seen and killed in Foulkes Village.
2. Hunguy Killed twice - He is a general douche and preacher of Vince's evil cult. He is a ShamWow sympathizer and a certified retard. He is always in the East Boundwood area and usually sleeps in Challenger Crescent Police Department. Please if you do decide to kill him, make it painful/humiliating. He deserves it.
3. Rock Hardon Killed three times - In the NE he constantly seems to be stalking me. Though he has exacted "revenge" on me once, I currently hold the upper hand. I would like to keep it that way.
4. Allsquiet Killed twice - He can't spell for shit and is blind as a bat. Put him out of his misery, please. He is located in the Boundwood area, both suburbs.
5. Szembeszappan Killed once - This man, using illegal Mighty Putty powers, managed to contact and challenge me from beyond the grave. He is now given a special spot in my most special list. The game is on!
Groups
No groups at the moment have made an profound and unprecedented effort to aid Vince
Killing Log - 37 Total
Have I killed you recently? Please direct all poorly wrote hate mail/rants to my talk page.
2009
September
26th - A two-fer! Two evil people slaughtered! How I love my job! I started my day by seeing Rock Hardon yet again. His brains decorated the local police department. As I went to leave, I ran into one [click link for name]. He used such offensive terms that were completely inexcusable and he was most likely a zerger, so I spared him no mercy as I put him down. Today was a victorious day indeed!
18th - Ran into harry p nis again. It had been a while, but I see he is still a dirty bastard who supports Slap Chops. I promptly showed the back of his head the business end of my fire axe.
14th - Again I slaughtered Rock Hardon. He killed me recently, but failed to factor in how quickly I can return.
13th - AlanRoss. Says he's seen better. I feared what he meant. The only passed days were days of Vince, so if he had seen better days, then he deserved to die.
5th - As fall slowly creeps in on Malton, I find less and less of Vince's influence in my current area. I think I will need to relocate soon. Though I did kill Rock Hardon because I just wasn't in the mood for his name.
August
14th - Commodore Decker, affiliated like my previous kill.
9th - I'm back in full swing as I hit the ol' 3-0 kills! Today's lost soul was one OneArmedBandit, who freely admitted to being an ally of a group who goes after anyone who lays a finger on another living person. I have had one run in with them in the past, and it ended rather peacefully. They don't seem to understand that I am punishing the forces of evil in this city. Vince and those who align with him are nothing but pure evil, and in the past have terrorized entire suburbs for no reason! SlapChops were as rampant in the streets as the undead! Countless lives were lost in their raids. Since I stepped up, I think the places I have ventured to have become better. So here is my one warning; try to stop me and I will stop you. Those who are brainwashed by others into thinking I am evil will be just as guilty as those who lazily buy SlapChops when a perfectly good QuickChop sits just a few feet away. Vince works in mysterious and powerful ways, and without me this city would be lost.
5th - Depressed in the East. Killed Adolf Von Hitler because it's a total douche and Vince-esque name etc.
July
25th- Today I brutally slaughtered one of Vince's high ranking generals in his army. One SlapChop4 was the commander of all Kitchen Utensil forces in the SW districts. I had heard of this man and had him on my list, but I never expected that I would run into him unguarded. An immensely large SlapChop from creation, this thing was mutated with the very same virus that caused the zombie scourge. One he gained full sentience, Vince recruited him to lead all of the forces in the South West of Malton. Everyone I had encountered so far down here, was inadvertently leading me to this bastard! Today I finally broke into his hiding spot and had a showdown with him. As he slapped at me for mercy, I ripped him to shreds before tossing him into the street with the undead mongrels. Today is an immense victory in the War on Vince, and I think a celebration is due! This also means that the SW forces will be fully crippled, for now at least, but I shall leave the remainder of the destruction down here to other Anti-Vince killers. Sadly it is time for me to be moseying along, and I know not yet where I shall be off to. But duty calls. And Billy Mays, wherever you are, this one was for you!
23rd - Ran into one PK Justice. Besides being and obvious enchanted Graty and flaunting around with a horrible name, I assumed he was an agent sent out by any number of people to stop my endeavors. He had little training and was already weak, so I decided to eliminate him before he became a problem.
20th - As I celebrated the great moon landing of Apollo 11, I was greeted to a visit from a man called poop many. As his named implies, he enjoyed talking about his waste. Annoying, but I thought I could let him go. Once he began to construct a toilet from captured Zorbeez, however, I torn his head off and gave that to him to use instead. The rescued Zorbeez later helped me mop up the blood; they are very considerate chamois you know.
19th - Ran into someone named Louise Blackholler today. I killed him for the simple fact that he displayed stupidity that only exists among Vince's mercenaries ranks. What was this grave stupidity you might ask? Well, he was bumbling around with a sign on his back that said **You see a Umbrella Corporation employee who disguised as a civilian** Thanks for telling us all you are disguised! Obviously, this is no skilled agent's seemingly maniacal but intelligent strategy, but rather a moronically poor attempt to be incognito in the hopes that people like me won't kill them. I did just that, and now I may have to do some research into this "Umbrella Corporation". Sounds suspicious to me...
17th - Still scouring around down here, restocking on all of the essentials, including some fine wine. Today I ran into a man known as Albert Ganz. From what I saw, he was a former upstanding police officer for the city of Malton. But once I struck up a conversation with him, I found out that he was your classic corrupt pig. He told me he had done some shady things in the past, but until the zombies were pushed back he was on his best behavior. Or at least behavior within the confines of what used to be legal. As he continued to talk, however, he started to sweat a little and stumble over his words. All of a sudden, he made a break for the door but as he ran to it, a bundle fell out of his overcoat. I looked down and to my slight surprise, two ShamWows rolled up came out of it. Three shotgun blasts, and a burst of small arms fire later, and this sicko was sleeping peacefully in the street as zombies munched merrily on his arms.
14th - Been sneaking around in the South still, quietly observing people. Vince's agents are blending in very well for once. Today, however, I found a solicitor who was succeeding in failing to promote some kind of "Unique Selections" from Asia. This is code for shoddily made chamois and kitchen units a.k.a. ShamWows and Slap Chops. I took putfy out quickly but unfortunately not before he had ample time to spread his message. Oh well, can't win them all.
11th - After a few days spent packing and trekking, I have finally arrived in my newest base of operations, the South of Malton. I've been scouring this area due to the high concentration of survivors here. Logic would dictate that with all of these people, some of them must be Vince's agents spreading their hate to the large population here. Today, I ran into one DJ Quasar. I've never particularly liked DJ's, due to the fact that most only care about themselves and their radio programs. They can be quite the asswipes, if you will. But this DJ proved himself to be even worse. When I entered the building he was in I caught him in possession of ShamWow propaganda that he was preparing to broadcast. Needless to say, it didn't fly with me. I destroyed both him and the propaganda as fast as I could.
7th - Just yesterday I began a long journey to the South West of Malton. I got everything packed, said a few goodbyes, and then I was off. I made good time and got way ahead of schedule on my first day. That turned out to be a good thing as today I had a run in, in a darkened building. As I went through some crumbling and damp building that very few ever seemed to dwell in, I ran into someone who claimed to be the Angel of Death himself. He began to recount to me his actions and what it was like to take people. At first I doubted it was actually Death, I mean really, why would Death be in Malton? We have no true death here. But as he went on, he eventually told me of how he took the great Billy Mays. As he rambled on, I was sickened by the mere mention of Billy's name by such a cretin. So once he finished up his story, I plugged him with a few revolver rounds. I still highly doubt Deathdx is truly Death, but at least he is napping where he is probably most comfortable if he is.
June
30th - Hit the big 2-0 in kills today. I was yet again resting peacefully when a man who I believe was the brother of old harry whom I killed a few days ago, came storming into my building and began babbling. I shot to my feet when suddenly I was ambushed by a Graty coming in from the window. I donned my new Blue Shirt of power and destroyed the worthless utensil. ILoveToPoop attempted to flee, but I caught him at the exit. A few shots later and he was nothing more than a red, porous mess.
27th - As I was peacefully sleeping, a late night intruder into my residency stirred up a whole damn hornets nest. This man, harry p nis was just as sick as his name implied. I was just going to toss him out, but then I noticed he was carrying a bag on his person. It was strange because it was bright orange. That's when I realized it. This was a bag constructed from two or three ShamWows. As Mr. p nis bumbled around, I decided that was just about enough of his stupidity so I blew both his brains and his ShamWows out onto the wall. It made for some interesting decor I must say, very contemporary.
- Supplement - 28th - Today is a tragic day, Vince has finally rubbed out the only other man with enough balls and might to take him out. Far off radio bulletins report that Billy Mays died today. I am now more dedicated than ever to finding Vince and tearing off most of his fleshy tissues. I shall discard my green jacket, and put on a nice blue shirt in memory of this brilliant man. God-speed Billy, and keep on trucking.
23rd - Today I killed someone I have been following for a quite a while. In a Deck of 52 scenario he would have been the Ace of Diamonds. I will save him face, I need not mention who it was here. Those who want or need to know, already do. My reasons for the kill are complex, but the good news is I shall be returning to my normal assassinations of Vince's soldiers of fortune and tools of evil. I would also like to take this opportunity to say that the Philosophe Knights are truly my inspiration for this long journey I have been taking. They are my muses as I purge the city of Vince's evil and even though that is why we never saw exactly eye to eye, I thank them for all the hospitality they gave me over the last few days. I hope I can repay them in full.
21st - Dispenser Here. Nuff' said.
19th - Been reloading and restocking as I sobered up and I finally got all I needed. But as I was about to leave my humble abode to do some traveling, I noticed that the man I was bunking with was acting kinda strange. His eyes seemed to be glazed over, but he didn't look like a zombie. That's when I saw it, a SlapChop crawling up the poor bastard's arm. I quickly pulled out my shotty and took out the little prick. Unfortunately, it was too late for the man Jad Hinto so I had to put him out of his misery. A sad victory today, if I had a flag I probably wouldn't fly it at half-mast though.
11th - After a two month nap in a cemetary (the April Fool's Day party I went to was a killer, literally) I was finally revived by a kind scientist. With a massive hangover I killed some stupid bastard named Szembeszappan. His weird name and the fact that he was standing outside made me suspect he was a double-agent Zorbeez defector (or just dumb). I put him out of his misery but unfortunately fell prey to getting trapped outside myself. Instant Karma is a bitch..
April
3rd - Found a dirty sick fucker too close to my safehouse. Took him down quickly. Name:mmasshat.
2nd - Ah! My first kill in nearly a month! I've been on vacation since ol' Vince got put in the slammer for messing with a hooker! He lost considerable strength there and so many of his legions of Slap Chops and ShamWows were dissolved and turned back into his power. Today however, I found one silent man, juih, residing in my current place of residence. Fearing that he may be an agent of evil, I killed him.
March
13th - What a very unlucky Friday the 13th for Lord Crapapple indeed! I saw the poorly constructed name and the lack of a desciption, and I realized this man was a SlapChop, or a Graty, or hell even a bucket of OxyClean! Anyway I killed him quick, and that is that.
12th - Saw Allsquiet again. Only this time he wasn't being the brave defender that most would know him for. He had ran after the zombies attacked his precious PD and he was even forced to bunk with two ShamWows. Rather than question what a fully grown man would be doing with two ShamWows on a sunny morning, I blew his brains out. Yeah, I love my job!
7th - Got my revenge on this Allsquiet bastard who randomly killed me. He thought he intimidated me, but little did he know I'm not afraid of ShamWows... Also my 10th ever kill, a grand milestone!
February
26th - A couple days back a man, or rather a ShamWow in a very bad disguise, named Norsefire killed me in a revenge kill for the revenge I got on either Hunguy or Tabbibus. Today, I killed him in front of three of my other kills which included the man Hung like what I believe is a fly and Tubbofshitbus. I will strike the fear of God into Vince Offer himself if it's the last thing I do!
24th - Got my final bit of revenge on the 'Tard Killers. Tabbibus got a few rounds to the head in a nice public place. I think I sent out a nice warning to the local SlapChops and ShamWows. Maybe Vince himself will get the message...
23th - After being killed by Hunguy in a poorly coordinated revenge attempt by him and this guy Tabbibus. I put them both on my KOS list, top priority, and then got revived. I found slo-mo Hunguy hiding within a few blocks of where he helped murder me, so I put around six shotgun shells right into his gut. It made quite the bloody mess. It was then that I discovered a Graty on his person. He was a hitman sent by Vince to off me! To bad this guy sucks at running after the kill...
19th - Grabbed some more ammo today and noticed Hunguy nervously bouncing around. He wanted to be my protege and have me take him with me, though I don't know where to. He was jumpy and scary and then it hit me, he was acting just like Vince! I shot him up real quick and sent the bastard to hell...
18th - As I walked my rounds I found this guy, Gilbot in a building full of Christmas decorations. I told them Christmas was over so in trying to help change the look of the place by destroying the tree, I noticed an oddity. Gilbot said he was in the American Girl Scouts. But he was a man! I knew only one person would send men into a little girls organization, and that is Vince Offer. Gilbot already had a run in with someone so it seemed, as he was badly wounded when I encountered him. I put him out of his misery with three shots to the temple...
17th - Nearly got a two for one special! I killed EvilTwinBilly because we all know that Vince Offer's eviler twin in named Billy. I shuddered to think of the sick man I brought down. I also nearly killed BubbaBuoy a member of the Manson Family who we all know is in alliance with Offer himself. However Vince's black magic conjured up by a ShamWow I didn't notice in the corner protected him from the killing blow. You're on the list sir, and I will have justice be served!
14th - Had a little St. Valentines Day Massacre of my own! Saw the other zerg of Ruan Valdemar still stupid standing in the exact same spot. I thought, hey it's Valentines Day, maybe I can let him go. Maybe he's got a little SlapChop of his own back at home. Then I could have sworn I head him mumble "Need a dispencer here" so I wasted him on the spot. Grayson Toney, zerging is a crime remember that...
12th - A suspected zerger named Ruan Valdemar. I warned the other man who shared the building with him that zerging is Vince Offer's way of spreading his massive amount of Gradys he has in back storage to the populate.
10th - Some pitiful man named rmdanw1. He bore a striking resemblance to the SlapChop I recently saw in an ad...
