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Hyperactive Sugar-Addicts Found Roaming Inside Ridleybank
RRF Opens Mental Hospital to help delusional Gingerbread Men and treat the Diabetic Insane
Editor's Note: The below article references the Candyland Invasion by the the Gingerbread Men during February, 2006.
RIDLEYBANK - At a packed press conference Monday, Ridleybank Resistance Front officials announced the grand opening of St George's Harmanz Mental Hospital, in response to the recent influx of deranged Gingerbread Men seen wandering the streets of Ridleybank looking for candy and sugar. With the opening of the multi-million dollar center, RRF officials hope to provide Death Rattle counseling, loving embraces, and basic medical care to console the insane harmanz found inside Ridleybank.
"In the recent week, our office has been inundated with reports of smacked out survivors lurching around the suburb looking for sugar and chocolate in some pathetic attempt to get high," said Jim McGragh, a Department of Homeland Security official. "Its not surprising that survivors, disillusioned with sitting in their own filth in barricaded safehouses, would want to emigrate to the paradise suburb of Ridleybank. What is surprising is this group's complete disregard for anything resembling reality."
You too can be a hardcore survivor running around in a Gingerbread costume...or something like that.
McGragh then showed the onlooking crowd a group of captured Gingerbread Men, wearing straight-jackets and frothing at the mouth.
"We came across this group here carrying nothing but spray cans and sugar cookies in Barhahville" said McGragh, dangling a Hershey's bar in front of the glazed over eyes of a Gingerbread Man. "Typically, most survivor groups will come into the suburb with shotguns and revive syringes, actually looking to, you know, fight zombies. Its not everyday that you see a survivor running around in a Gingerbread costume calling the Blomfield Grove Police Station- 'Sugar Plum Police Department.' Clearly these harmanz need serious mental help."
With recent sightings in Ridleybank of Gingerbread Men walking around the suburb looking for nonsensical places such as Mr Whippies Church, the First National Bank of Chocolate, and Jellybaby Junkyard, RRF officials agreed that existing hospital facilities in the suburb were ill equipped to deal with such delusional and raving lunatics.
A Gingerbread Man, struggling to accept the reality that Candyland...you know...doesn't really exist.
"We were concerned that St. Simon's Hospital in Ridleybank lacked the equipment and personnel to treat these poor souls," said Harmanz Healthcare Director Nancy Gargah. "The majority of Gingerbread Men that we have found are schizophrenic and completely delusional. The new St George's facility will allow us to give these survivors the treatment they need to function as healthy and happy zombies."
Gargah announced that the new facility will use advanced techniques in tangling grasp, shock therapy, and complete brain removal to help Gingerbread Men separate fantasy from reality.
"Typically, full lobotomization is used as a last resort to treat patients," said Gargah, shaking her head after looking at the Candyland Map." But in this case, it may be our only option as we are now treating schizophrenic fantasies never before seen in Malton. Normal adults do not run around Ridleybank screaming about defending Candyland and falling back to Easter Bunny General Hospital. What the hell is that about?"
As part of the center's opening, RRF officials also announced that a specialized team of dentists and vascular surgeons would be flying in to treat the multitude of health problems that come from sitting around in barricaded safehouses and eating chocolate all day.
With the center's opening, RRF officials will also be flying in thousands of medical supplies such as toothbrushes (above) to deal with the immense health problems associated with eating only sugar.
"Most of the Gingerbread Men we have found so far are in extremely poor health," said Dr. Jim Hargar. "As you can expect from a diet consisting of pure sugar with no exercise, most of these patients are overweight, diabetic, and have extremely poor circulation. Many can barely walk due to advanced vascular disease in the legs. Its sad but true: Toothless, overweight, diabetic survivors dressed in Gingerbread Costumes really can't run that fast."
Hargar then demonstrated his point by pushing a straight-jacketed Gingerbread Men over with a stick, chuckling as the poor creature rolled back and forth, unable to get up.
"However, this new hospital will allow us to treat these poor survivors," continued Hargar, giving oxygen to a passed out Gingerbread Man who tried to take a single step. "Combined with our new advancements in grasping, biting, and massage therapy, we hope to ease their transition from delusional, sick survivors into healthy zombies quickly and efficiently. "
The RRF closed the conference by requesting that all Gingerbread Men run,run,run as fast as they can to St George's for the sake of their own mental and physical health.
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WAR! Liberation of Roftwood and Pimbank Begins
Group 1 Drives into Barricade-torn Roftwood
Group 2 Smashes through Pimbank
Harmanz and Ferals rejoice: "Liberty will soon be at hand. The Shadow is ending."
HARMANZ OCCUPIED ROFTWOOD, PIMBANK - With Ridleybank secure, the Ridleybank Resistance Front unleashed its fury on the occupied and barricade-torn suburbs of Roftwood and Pimbank.
After a formal declaration of war against the occupied terrorities, RRF Groups 1 and 2 began operations in Roftwood and Pimbank, vowing to drive out the brutal harmanz occupation forces and bring stability and peace back to Central Malton.
"Too long have these once peaceful suburbs suffered under the wraith of harmanity. Too long have their citizens toiled in heavily barricaded prisons and work camps. Too long have innocent, wandering ferals been headshot, simply for walking on the street," said RRF leader Petroskjo. "Today it ends. Today, we drive out the brutal occupation forces laying siege to Roftwood and Pimbank. Today, the shadow of harmanity will be driven back once more."
Group 2, led by Father Barbecue, moved across the Pimbank border early Friday morning, and quickly laid siege to harmanz occupation forces in Pretty Museum. Early reports indicate that the harmanz force was all but wiped out, with little casaulities to the liberators of Pimbank. Group 1, led by Father Phungus, moved across the Pimbank Border early Saturday morning, with lead elements entering the devasted and barricade-torn region of Roftwood late Saturday.
Harmanz, have you done your part for the war effort? We all must sacrifice for the greater good.
"Ridleys, it is with a heavy conscience that we go to war," said one RRF official."Our society has always been a peaceful one, concerned more about squaredancing than griefing. However, no longer can we tolerate Roftwood and Pimbank's crimes against harmanity and zombies. No longer can I sit back and watch ferals receive headshots walking to the market, or innocent survivors player-killed in Mayo Row Police Station. The time for liberation is at hand."
RRF officials call on all Ridleys of age to enlist in the war effort, and join the liberatiing armies of Group 1 and Group 2 in driving back the harmanz shadow. Additional recruiting stations have been setup across the suburb, as more and more Ridleys answer the call to arms and freedom.
"Shortterm sacrifices will have to made, Ridleys, to ensure victory in the coming campaigns," said one DoHS official. "Ration your supplies. Do you really need to eat that extra cerebellum? Think of our soldiers at the front and lets make sure they have enough to eat."
RRF officials also warned those remaining at the homefront to be vigilant, and to be mindful of harmanz spies who may have infilitrated the area.
"Remember, Ridleys, a careless "Graaagh" or "Barhah," if heard by the wrong sort, can endanger operations at the Front," warned one DoHS official. "Harmanz spies are watching. Together, we can win this fight against inharmanity. The suburbs of Roftwood, Pimbank and Ridleybank need all of you."
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