RRF/Malton Herald & Sun: Difference between revisions

From The Urban Dead Wiki
Jump to navigationJump to search
No edit summary
(Replacing page with '{{:{{MHSSighfer|Codein=33}}}}')
 
(21 intermediate revisions by 5 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
{| style="width:801px; font-family: verdana; font-size:90%" align=center CELLPADDING=0 CELLSPACING=0
{{:{{MHSSighfer|Codein=33}}}}
| style="width:801px"; background-color:Black; border-top:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-bottom:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-left:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-right:solid 2px CadetBlue;"|[[Image:MHS2008Newest.png|center]]
|-
|}
{| style="width:800px; font-family: verdana; background-color:honeydew; font-size:90%" align=center CELLPADDING=0 CELLSPACING=0
|style="width:13%; text-align: center; border-top:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-left:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-right:solid 2px CadetBlue"| [[Ridleybank Resistance Front|RRF Front Page]]
|style="width:17%; text-align: center; border-top:solid 2px CadetBlue;border-right:solid 2px CadetBlue"| [[Ridleybank Resistance Front#Current Activities|RRF Current Activities]]
|style="width:11%; text-align: center; border-top:solid 2px CadetBlue;border-right:solid 2px CadetBlue"| [[Malton Herald & Sun|Current Issue]]
|style="width:10%; text-align: center; border-top:solid 2px CadetBlue;border-right:solid 2px CadetBlue"| [[Malton Herald & Sun#Archives|Archives]]
|}
{| style="width:800px; font-family: verdana; color:Black; font-size:90%" align=center CELLPADDING=0 CELLSPACING=0
|-
| style="width:140px; padding:10px; vertical-align:top; background-color:honeydew; border-left:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-top:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-bottom:solid 2px CadetBlue; text-align:left"|
{| style="padding:10px; vertical-align:top; background-color:honeydew; border:solid 2px CadetBlue"
|
 
{| style="width:140px; padding:2px; vertical-align:top; color:Black; background-color:White; border:solid 1px CadetBlue;"
|<center><span style="font-variant:small-caps">'''Papa'''</span><br/>
<small>'''''<span style="color: Black">Johnny Bass</span>'''''</small></center>
|}<br\/>
 
{| style="width:140px; padding:2px; vertical-align:top; color:Black; background-color:White; border:solid 1px CadetBlue;"
|<center><span style="font-variant:small-caps">'''Editors Emeriti'''</span><br/>
<small>'''''<span style="color: Black">DM<br/>Marina<br/>Murray Jay Suskind<br/>Tarman2007</span>'''''</small></center>
|}<br\/>
 
{| style="width:140px; padding:2px; vertical-align:top; color:Black; background-color:White; border:solid 1px CadetBlue;"
|<center><span style="font-variant:small-caps">'''Editor '''</span><br/>
<small>'''''<span style="color: Black">DM</span>'''''</small></center>
|}<br\/>
 
{| style="width:140px;padding:2px; vertical-align:top; color:Black; background-color:White; border:solid 1px CadetBlue;"
|<center><span style="font-variant:small-caps">'''Staff'''</span><br/>
<small><span style="color: Black">
-''Draughr''<br/>
-''DJ Deadbeat''<br/>
-''drugsanimudongs''<br/>
-''Johnny Bass''<br/>
-''Ironic Sponge Tissue''<br/>
-''Murray Jay Suskind''<br/>
-''Yama LaVey''<br/>
</span></small></center>
|}<br\/>
<br\/>
 
|}
 
 
 
 
| style="width:950px; padding:10px; vertical-align:top; background-color: honeydew; border-right:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-top:solid 2px CadetBlue; border-bottom:solid 2px CadetBlue" |
 
{| style="padding:10px; vertical-align:top; background-color:honeydew; color:Black; border:solid 2px CadetBlue"
|
 
| style="width:600px; padding:10px; background-color: White; border:solid 1px CadetBlue" |
{| style="padding:10px; vertical-align:top; background-color:#Honeydew; border:solid 1px CadetBlue"
__NOEDITSECTION__
 
=All the News that is Fit to Eat=
==Editor's Note:==
 
Welcome back to a new edition and a new staff for the MH&S! We have shaken off the dust from the ol' printing press, and it is our hope to bring with these changes a more regular publishing schedule. Some of our faces may be new, but our brains are still rotten and our core philosophies remain the same.
 
We will still continue to bring the latest technology, social conditions, zombie politics and current events affecting zombies to the citizens of Malton. So, we invite you, dear readers, to join us as we follow the march of the hordes throughout Malton, keeping its rightful zombie inhabitants informed on the latest news regarding the eradication of the human infestation affecting our dear city. 
 
-MH&S Editor
 
==Zombie Groups blast area schools for low testing scores and poor performance.==
 
'''Malton students fail to grasp fundamentals such as multiplication tables, basic shapes, and not sleeping in resource buildings. “My child no longer wants to eat your honor roll student,” say Angry Zombie Parents.'''
 
RIDLEYBANK – Malton Harmanz officials, already under fire for turning the once beautiful city of Malton into a barricaded, litter-ridden, fire-prone death trap, are now coming under fire from zombie leaders after low test scores and standards from area schools were made public last week.
 
“We have always suspected that Malton students' mathematical and language skills were lagging behind the rest of the world “ said Janice Graagh, Director of Harmanz Genocide and Food Safety.. ”Now we finally know the truth. Johnny can't read, write, or even secure a door.”
 
According to the results released last Wednesday, Malton area students ranked last in basic science, writing, and were three-times as likely to believe that tagging and radio operation are fundamental, life-altering skills.
 
“It's a radio. You turn it on. Why is this even in Malton's curriculum?” said Graagh, shaking her head in frustration after witnessing a fifth grader run from a ransacked, overrun Police Station to another ransacked, overrun Police Station. “Really Malton? This is who our zombie children are supposed to eat now? Small and flavorless brains?”
 
Graagh challenged Malton-area schools to increase their funding in science, theoretical mathematics, and other tedious, but brain-developing disciplines, calling the current performance gap “Malton's greatest threat to the sophisticated zombie culinary scene.”
 
"Malton's children deserve more than an educational system that currently raises them to become dumb-witted, easily-picked off targets, “ said Graagh, shaking her head while watching two zombies cut down a small girl trying to spray paint a fire station. “We want highly-intelligent, easily picked off targets.”
 
“Just a week ago, I came across a young high school student walking home from Advanced Police Station Barricading 201,” added Graagh. “He smiled, waved, but then began to scream “No! Pleas! You goin to kill me” as I started to rip his arm off”.
 
“Have Malton's standards really fallen so low, that we are expected to explain to a grieving family that their mauled, dismembered child barely understands basic English?” a tearing Graagh continued. “Malton's children deserve a better future than this. Our children deserve a better meal than this.”
 
Other zombie leaders have suggested that today's students are having trouble adjusting to their new role in today's high-paced, zombie-driven, instant harmanz-snack world.
 
“What these children and what Malton's so called “survivor leaders” need to understand is that without education, many of these kids have no future. The job market already demands a highly-technical, highly-adaptive, highly-trained workforce with well-developed, buttery-flavored brains. Advanced Shotgun training is just not going to get the job done anymore,” said Marc Hrnhrh. “Massive reform is needed if today's students can ever hope to grace our dinner table.”
 
Targeted afterschool help may be vital for many at-risk students, especially when they are surrounded by a hostile group of the undead, continued Hrnhrh. “If you see a child about to overtaken by a bloodthirsty zombie horde, do that student a favor. Enroll him or her in "Contemporary Emergent Literature: From Aristotle to Chaucer" or even "Differential Geometry: Advanced Risk Management" immediately. The zombie palate is a terrible thing to waste. Our stomachs will thank you.”
 
However, not everyone agrees with Graagh's calls for reform.
 
“Whatevr.” said John Ashton, 11th Grade, Shearbank High. “Im got pla Cal of Dutee.”
 
 
[[Image:petroad.jpg|center]]
 
 
==A Solution to the Health Care Crisis: Let Zombies Eat Everybody==
by Murray Jay Suskind
 
Amidst all this harman ruckus about "health care" and "reform" and "teabagging" something has gotten lost. Something very fundamental. Something that strikes at the very way harman "society" functions... or fails to do so. What the harmanz fail to see is that the true reform comes not from byzantine corporate or government provided health care. True reform comes from the way people live. Or rather, unlive. Today I am going to take on all a series questions frequently asked during this health care debate and explain why the RRF Health Plan (brought to you by death) is far superior to any other on the table.
 
'''Is single payer not the most simple, elegant solution?'''
 
No. Killing everybody is. Embrace unlife.
 
'''I thought the market provided for the most efficient allocation of resources?'''
It doesn't. Markets are a cumbersome and inefficient oddity of those who are living. Those who have embraced unlife care nothing for supply, demand, markets or capital. Any existence that is predicated upon an exchange currency for goods and services is inherently corrupted by livelihood. Die and eat brains. That is the most efficient allocation of resources.
 
'''What do you think about the government option?'''
 
I'm dead. I don't think.
 
'''Would an employer mandate truly offer health care for more people, or would it simply contract the labor market as employers shed payroll in order to provide insurance or pay the fine for the fewest amount of people?'''
 
The only thing we mandate are 5 or 10 ap into the cades from mature zombies.
 
'''This is socialism!'''
 
No. It's the apocalypse.
 
'''Leave the government out of Medicare!'''
 
Uh... the only way to avoid government intervention in Medicare is if all of us die.
 
'''Is it true that you want to euthanize the elderly?'''
 
Yes. Along with children, the middle-aged, young adults, the healthy, the infirm, the disabled... pretty much everyone.
 
'''What about wellness and prevention measures? Would this not decrease demand for treatment of those who are ill and in turn have a dramatic effect in curbing the growth of health care costs?'''
 
Health care is free if you're dead.
 
'''Will I be forced into government-run health care?'''
 
No. You will die.
 
'''Don't you think the President should provide us with the original copy of his birth certificate?'''
 
Wrong meeting. But let me clarify... birth is completely irrelevant to the undead. It's all about the death certificate for us.
 
'''I have diabetes. Would I be excluded from coverage for my pre-existing condition?'''
 
The only condition of our health plan is that you're dead.
 
'''Is it truly reform if we leave employer-provided health care in place? Isn't part of the problem that we tie basic medical coverage to employment creating a perverse dichotomy of those who are well are more able to find employment and get the health care of their choice versus those who are not well and find it very difficult to find health care?'''
 
Zombies aren't employed. Zombies are given RESPONSIBILITY.
 
I hope that clarified many of the questions people had.
 
==Bland Branz Bore Bargarz: Zombies everywhere complain about lack of spicy foods==
by Tarman2007
 
It's official: Harman branz no longer have that zip to them as in days past. Zambahz have noticed a distinct lack of flavour in their daily diets. Our scientists/taste testers have traveled into the field to discover why, and have come back with these findings. According to strenuous research, they have determined that harmans no longer use much of their branzpower, leaving the normally delicious organ with less taste due to the near non-presence of rational thought or clear motivations.
 
One zombie connaisseur concluded their extensive taste-testing researching with these results: "Only a very limited selection of harmanz have any real taste to them, but you have to know where to look. The average shambler is likely to come across blandness in their everyday search for namz. Try to find ones who aren't carrying a lot of useless gear, like empty heavy weapons and swords."
 
The branz of harman murderers, known in Malton as PKers, seem to retain much moar taste, as these organs do seem to get more usage overall, but their low numbers leaves them out as a staple source of diet; they're relegated to the rare delicacy category. The largest known source of nammahnaaz as of current knowledge is the MCM. These particular organs are actually used on a daily basis, providing the seasoning of intelligence that makes the branz extra nammah.
 
==GMT-BC celebrates 6000th Kill with Lucky 6000th Victim==
 
On July 16th, 2009, the GMT Breakfast Club announced that Private Mendoza, currently with the Fortress, was the winner of the MegaMillions MegaBrains GMT-BC Jackpot. The group surprised Mendoza with the news inside Borrer Street Police Department, Shearbank, breaking down the hastily constructed barricades to celebrate with the lucky winner. [[Image:Factorieszombiecopy.jpg|175px|right|Let us work together to bring Malton more Barhah!]]Mendoza, who couldn't be reached for comment, was found curled in a fetal position in a corner office, barely able to contain his excitement over being chosen.
 
The GMT-BC reported that Mendoza elected to receive his prize as the 6000th Kill in one lump installment rather than having an  antagonizing and painful death spread out over twenty years. As Distinguished, Mortificant, Yama LaVey, Adele, and Noctiarth of the GMT-BC looked on, Dick Johansonson cornered the lucky human, and quickly awarded him his prize, ignoring his screams for mercy by severing his spinal column before devouring his brains. The group then proceeded to slaughter the remaining seven humans screaming inside the Police Department as part of an early promotion campaign for the 7000th Kill Jackpot.
 
 
==Harmanz Special Op Ed Piece:“I'm sorry, Dear. But I'm leaving you to resume my quest to add a 50th fire axe to my collection.”==
 
by Janet Richardson<br/>
formerly Malton Fire Department, Engine #34<br/>
currently Prisoner #21B76, Reeducation Camp Alpha
 
Dear James,
 
By the time you finish reading this, I will be gone. It's not you James. It's not even me. In truth there is something else. A higher calling that has convinced me to leave you and the kids, and to help save Malton.
 
I am resuming my quest to add a 50th fire axe to my collection.
 
James, I have left the kids with Cedric. Yes, I know he is addicted to Revive. I know he spends his time sleeping on a couch in a over-barricaded motel, surrounded by filth and garbage from a month's long siege. I know he thinks he can save the world by ignoring unbarricaded safehouses and shooting lone zombies in the street. But, he will be a better parent to them than I could ever hope to be. It's for the best James.
 
I remember the first time we met. I saw you outside in the street, shooting a wounded zombie swaying beside a parked car. You finished him off with a shotgun, and looked in my direction. I glanced back toward you, past the zombies mauling the sick in St Ethelbert's Hospital, past the dying survivors in the ransacked Dempsey Grove Police Station, and smiled when you pistol-whipped that zombie at the revive point, ignoring his pathetic Mrh's. I blew you a kiss, and after I saw you finish the broken corpse with a headshot, I knew that I had finally met a real man here in Malton.
 
You do remember our first date, right, James? His and her matching black dusters. A romantic spam and canned bean dinner on the roof of Philpotts Tower lit by the still burning Hildebrand Mall...You looked perfect in the light as the fire consumed Hildebrand below us. It was fun, wasn't James? And the stories you told that night! I laughed so hard that I forgot about the screams in the distance. You always did know how to show a girl a good time.
 
But James. Those days are past. In this nightmarish world where we are hunted to extinction, we have to remember the basics of survival and continuing on as a species. I can no longer sit around in Roftwood, wasting time establishing safehouses, reviving the fallen, and evacuating the sick and dying. I want to accomplish something with my life before I grow old and frail.
 
I want to find that 50th fire axe.
 
I'm sorry James. You would never understand. You never did. Some girls collect jewelry. I collect axes. Each one perfect for a unique task; each one a special tool in my war against the shambling hordes. Take Axe #27. Red wooden handle, well-balanced, with a finely sharpened metal head. Perfect for a Sunday stroll along the rooftops of Roftwood. Or Axe #18. Red wooden handle, well-balanced, with a finely sharpened metal head. Perfect for a night out to the theater. Or Axe #3. The perfect accessory for that blue halter-top you always liked. And as for Axe #50? Well, I won't know until I see it. But a girl has to have some variety, you know?
 
I'm sorry, James. I really am. I know I promised to be with you in good times and bad, and in sickness and in health. That we would grow old together, you, my dutiful husband and I, your dutiful wife. That we would raise a family together and be together always, united against the hordes.
 
It was fun while it lasted but sometimes there are more important things than love and family.
 
Things like a fire axe.
 
Love always and do take care of yourself,
 
Janet
xoxoxo
 
== Archives ==
{{MHSArchive09}}
 
{{RRF}}
 
|}
|}
__NOTOC__
 
[[Category:Groups]]
[[Category:Zombie Groups]]
[[Category:Press]]
[[Category:Ridleybank Resistance Front]]
[[Category:Malton Herald and Sun]]

Latest revision as of 03:20, 18 March 2011

Mhsbanner.png


Blackmore 4(04)


Editor's Note: This is based on Blackmore 4(04), an historical event that took place during August, 2010. For more information, read here for the original version or continue below for the correct version.

Blackmore 4(04) was a failed, grass-roots initiative to develop a renewable, free-ranging, human herd in Ridleybank, and to show the rest of Malton that small-scale, sustainable local harvesting could overcome the city’s rapidly-dwindling human food supply. The ill-fated project took place from August 19, 2010 to August 31, 2010, almost four years to the day after the first, failed attempt to bring affordable, fresh-food to downtown’s starving zombie population.

Initial seeding of the Ridleybank area began on August 19th, with the introduction of several breeds of human into carefully selected release points around Ridleybank. Researchers initially hoped that a sustainable, robust human herd would finally be able to graze in the desolate downtown wasteland. The project ultimately failed thirteen days later on August 31, when zombies from the Ridleybank Resistance Front, The Feral Undead, and the Minions of the Apocalypse gave up on all that hippy, tree-hugging, renewable crap, and killed every man, woman and child in the Greater Ridleybank metropolitan area.

The rest of this story is continued here.


Behind the Killing Floor: the Big Bash III


It happens every Spring in Malton. The snow finally starts melting. The days start getting longer. Birds can be heard chirping. And thousands of zombies began to wander the city, looking to slaughter every man, woman and child foolish enough to remain in our lovely zombie city.

BB3-big.png

Yes, it must be Big Bash season, and the love of harman genocide is still in the air. This past week, the Malton Herald and Sun were lucky enough to sit down with Bash organizers Bisfan, Aichon, Amber and Skoll and find out exactly what goes on behind the scenes of everyone's favorite event.

MHS:This is third time a Bash has been organized in Malton. What has made this Bash different from years past?

Aichon: I was here! Since I only joined the game about a year ago, I missed out on a lot of the big events of Malton's history. Being asked to help out with Big Bash 3 was a real treat for me, since I knew this was a chance for me to be involved in something big that others would be reading about for years to come.

Besides me being around (which isn't actually that important), I think one big difference with this Bash was that we had zombie interference working for us. Older Bashers will remember Giddings Mall and the frustrating month-long siege of it in Big Bash II, but thanks to the introduction of interference, we were able to keep Big Bash 3 almost entirely feral while making steady progress, which was a first.

Bisfan: Aside from the "3" at the end of the Bash? ;)

More seriously, a lot of effort went into making this Bash capture the spirit of both previous Bashes. It has attempted to bring together players, in the spirit of fun, and encouraged them to embrace a play-style akin to a zombie wrecking ball. This Bash hasn't been about "being different", it's been about encouraging fun. Malton is suffused with drama, and the intent here has been to try and put drama aside, and just do what zombies do best; eat stuff and mess places up.

Amber: I've only seen the last two bashes but I've noticed a couple differences. There was more of a sense of community. There was a wider variety of old and new zombies from other hordes wanting to get involved on some level. And there were more brains during BBII. I might be showing my age, but I find myself longing for epic sieges such as the Battle for Pitneybank, just so I can point to it and tell babahz "You see? This is why we're still shambling." Bizzles will probably recoil at it's mention, but that moment - The birth of the beachhead - there hasn't been anything like it since and there probably won't be for a while. And don't get me wrong. I remember throwing all my energy at barricades and barely taking them down to very heavy. Or getting headshot two or three times daily when bigger zombies opened the doors for me. And getting combat revived before I could finish a meal and popping inside to listen to the frantic screams, barked orders and pleas for help on the radio. Or getting zerg rushed - clawed down and set up a headshot while Bub swayed in the corner of Byrne Auto Repair. I remember it all quite vividly. But all of that is what made the pink, fleshy center of the mall and the Morrish Building so much more sweet.

Skoll: While this is my first time participating in a Big Bash, I would have to say what made things different from the previous two were fundamental changes in tactics such as cade blocking and the new bellow which draws zombies from a 21x21 radius. Clears buildings quick. I can also say that whole suburbs fell within a day or two during this bash, which is something that didn't happen with the previous two.

MHS: Now I know its hard for some of your brainrotted zombies to remember, but what has been your favorite memory so far with the Big Bash III?

Aichon:Probably when the buzz about BB3 was first building was a high point for me. For me, as word started to leak that the Bash was coming, it was a lot of fun to see people getting really excited at just the prospect of another Bash. And when we finally posted a countdown to the big announcement on the wiki page, it seemed to me like the wiki and IRC just exploded with activity. Seeing that the wiki page had been visited something like 3000+ times in the week that we just had the countdown posted was pretty amazing to me. That's probably when it first sunk in for me that I was part of something big.

As for during the event, it's hard to pick just one. Arriving in Pitneybank and trashing the entire place, including the fort and the mall, in about a day and without any real organization was a major demonstration of what the Big Bash could do. And, before that, when we were first starting out and were moving so fast through the city that we were getting complaints from people trying to join up that we had moved 8-10 suburbs in the time it took them to get to where we had been just a few days earlier...that's always a nice affirmation. We also sprayed a lot of graffiti around the city in the month or so before the event started, and it was always great when we'd break into a building and see one of our messages such as "Big Bash 3 Entry Point" or "Spread the undead - Join BB3!" inside.

Bisfan: The thing I appreciate most about this Bash has been the number of zambahz who have stepped up to contribute to it. Whether it be working in a strike team, acting as ambassadors to the myriad established zambah gangz in town, administratively behind the scenes, scouting...so many of the zambahz involved have been keen to help that it has made it a pleasure to be involved.

For a specific moment...I would have to say it was a rare zambah visit to Miltown, and breaching the Fliney Necrotech Building there. There was nothing epic about it, it was just a routine break-in, like you'd see on any other day in Malton, but in another life I have worked very hard to keep Miltown safe, and Fliney NT in particular so it was a rare and personal pleasure to be there on the side this time :D

Amber:Probably when when an ex-escapist told me that the bash had changed his perspective significantly. It reminded me a lot of how BBII changed my views.

Skoll:My favorite memory? Theres so many, the entire event was so much fun, but I'll try to pick just one... I'd have to say my favorite memories are the collective breaching and beachheading of malls that H.A.R.M. accomplished as the Bash's only organized strike team. Except for Treweeke and Caiger, we were the ones that led the charge on every mall in Malton when the Bash came knocking.

For the rest of the interview, go straight to jail, do not collect $200, and read here.



Lack of Brain-rot: Is he really into you, or ... is he just testing the zombie waters? What the saavy, single zombie needs to know about today's zombie dating scene


It's Saturday Night...and you check your watch. It is almost seven o'clock. He will be here in less than ten minutes. You hurry to finish dressing, trying on several outfits before finally deciding on a torn, blood-matted gray dress that matches your eyes perfectly. A quick dash of dried blood to your lips and then a subtle trace of a pencil liner to accentuate that long scar running down your left cheek. You turn around in the mirror and smile, noticing the decayed flesh hanging from your right leg. Normally, you would not care about your appearance. But tonight was different.

Tonight, you are meeting him.

You grab your overcoat and head out into the dark night, pausing briefly to savor the stench of decay surrounding the ruined core of downtown Malton. You hear a loud growl echoing into the night, and your heart begins to beat just that much faster. It was him. And he had a reservation at the city's hottest new restaurant: Club Penfold. Where you first met.

Zombopink.jpg

As you crawl through the broken barricades, you think back to that first night. You, a fresh corpse, rummaging through the remains of the ransacked statehouse, and him, an infected firefighter, coughing up blood in the corner. You remember him trying to crawl away from you as you shamble toward him. You always did like when they played hard to get. As your teeth began to tear through his carotid, you remember him screaming in pain and horror, and you feel a warm glow inside you.

Yes, you reflect, he always did know exactly what to say to melt a girl's heart. This one was definitely a keeper.

You smile as the memory leaves your rotten mind, and you begin to look inside the club for your flame. You catch a scent of a dying policeman in the corner, mixed in with the smell of fear and blood as the harmanz slowly realize that they are not alone. A new scent appears and your heart begins to beat faster. He was there.

But something is different. Something is wrong. He is different. He is wrong.

A dark figure approaches you, two flashes appear in the darkness, and as your broken body crumbles to the floor, you think to yourself, “How could I be so stupid? How could I not see this coming?” He finishes you off with a quick headshot, dumps your body in the street, and walks out the door, leaving you to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and skull.

Let's face it. We have been there before, thinking that we have found the zombie of our dreams, only to discover that our new love is nothing more than a harman in disguise. So how do you know your new man or woman is committed to being a life-long zombie? Here are some hints that your new flame may not exactly be the one for you:

  1. They introduce themselves as Zomkiller23, ZedDead5, SlayDeathToonB, or PenultimateZomboApocalypse.
  2. Their idea of a fun night is to stand around a park, bleating “Mrh?” while swaying back and forth.
  3. While you are certainly open to spicing things up in the bedroom, you do wonder if bringing twenty loaded shotguns, a portable generator and thirty fire-axes to bed is really necessary.
  4. Lately you seem to be running out of conversation topics, and his story about being a “lost soul, drifting endlessly in a sea of melancholy and despair toward a chasm of hopelessness and sorrow, who now must avenge the death of his parents by killing every zombie in Malton” is no longer the funny anecdote it used to be.
  5. He avoids your subtle questions about commitment, why he does not have brainrot and why he has been spending most of his time hanging out at the Thompson Walk Revive Point.
  6. You have started to wonder if you really want to spend the rest of your unlife with a man whose long-term plan is to cleanse the zombie menace from the suburbs of Stanley Village and Roftwood using the holy, purging fire of long-range howitzers and fuel-air bombs.

Remember, only diamonds and brainrot are forever. Otherwise, last month's unrotted fling might suddenly become tomorrow's light morning snack.


Wanda...Baby...our little girl is gone...


by Bob Boberton 303 Commander

Wanda,

My loving wife. It is like a horrible nightmare. Every day and every night I still see our daughter’s face. You do remember, don’t you my dear? It seems like just yesterday that we were watching our little Becky play on the swingset. I still remember glancing over at you, watching you smile and laugh as Becky climbed down the swingset to pick up her favorite stuffed polar bear. Our sweet, little girl. It would break your heart to see her last Tuesday. Screaming and crying as I dragged her toward the front door of Blackmore to trade her for a single generator. A single generator. No parent should ever have to receive so little in trade.

I never thought this day would come. I still remember the day you told me you were pregnant. I remember your face as we talked about Becky’s future, our future. We walked through her life together. Her first birthday. Her first words. Her first day at school. Her first kiss. The crates of DNA extractors and crowbars we would get after shipping her off to New Arkham on her tenth birthday. But those dreams are gone now, my love. Instead, I am left here with nothing to remember her, except this generator. One lousy generator that will be probably be destroyed within the hour. These truly are dark times we live in.

No father should have to go through what I just went through, Wanda. The pain. The complete humiliation of settling for less than ten shotguns and two generators for their eleven-year old. I still remember the other 303er’s laughing at me when I returned to Blackmore, receiving so little for someone, who, at one time, held so much promise.

I should have done more when we were raising her. I should have seen this coming. Why did I not see the warning signs? If I was a better father, I would have crated her and left her in Wyke Hills until the market got better. God knows my father would have done the same for me. But now she is gone, Wanda, destined to spend the rest of her life in shackles in a Ridleybank Harmanz Processing camp. It was her time to go I guess. She knew it, I knew it, and the zombies knew it. I just wished we got have gotten more for her.

Wanda, you shouldn't have to suffer for my mistakes. I know we haven’t talked much since I left your mother to die at Nichols. I am sorry baby, I really am. You and I both know that traveling with less than 40 FAKs is tantamount to suicide. We couldn’t spare even one. I really am I sorry. I was hoping to get a flak jacket for that old hag.

But you have to forgive me and we need to move on. I need you Wanda. I need you to help me get through the pain and the suffering. Please, come back to me baby. If not for me, then do it in loving memory of our daughter. And, Wanda, when you come, be sure to bring our son Jake, and his friends Ernie and Jackie. I am still hoping to get that tenth fire axe.

Love Always,

Bob



Meet a Ridley: Bobby the Hatchet


As a part of new feature in the MH&S, we will be interrupting the murder sprees of everyday RRF members to interview them, so that you, the good people of Malton, can learn a bit more about the people slaughtering you in your sleep. This past week, we had the pleasure of sitting down with Bobby the Hatchet, dedicated Ridley and Gore Corps devivification expert.

MHS: So how did you come to join the Ridleybank Resistance Front? Did you know members in the RRF before? Or did you just get really drunk one night, and five states and two weddings later, you had somehow managed in your drunken stupor to sign up on Barhah.com?

BH: As a fairly new player, after witnessing the raw power of a somewhat coordinated strike involving the Ridleybank Resistance Front and ferals, I laid dead in the street thinking to myself, “I want that.” I decided to join almost instantly. I was amazed to find such a coordinated effort tucked away beneath the clawing and growling of the streets. Serving Ridleybank seemed to be an obligatory part of the Urban Dead experience, and I’ve never looked back. I started out as a bahbah eating with Team America and my axe-murdering ways ultimately led me to the Gore Corps. The heavy drinking and vulgar displays of bad judgment actually came after I was locked in.

Rrfposter14.jpg

MHS: Some of our readers have learned the hard way that combat reviving a Gore Corps member is one of the quickest ways to meet some of the more interesting members of the gun family. Have you meet any interesting harmanz who have revived you...and then thanked them with the loving gesture of a shotgun double tap?

BH: All the time. I generally try to target all who revive or heal me, in keeping with tradition. Combat Revives on Death Cultists are especially pleasant, because it allows us to demonstrate our true nature, almost immediately. Nothing makes me giggle like being Combat Revived during a live attack and then returning under a hail of gunfire to put an axe in their guts. When we dishonour the needle, we dishonour life, and it shows survivors that their own ignorance can be just as dangerous to them as our claws.

MHS:What do you enjoy the most about Urban Dead? I mean, besides slaughtering harmanz?

BH: The meta-gaming community, especially within Barhah, has been great. I find that this bizarre little game-that-should-not-be attracts all sorts of people from various walks of life, united towards a common goal, with plenty of hilarity in between. When one gets involved in the human element here, it totally enhances the game. It’s really the only way to play. Also, the low-impact time constraint prevents me from being ridiculed as a nerd by my peers.

MHS: What do you enjoy the most about being in the RRF and in the Gore Corps? What is your role in the Gore Corps?

BH: I enjoy being in the Ridleybank Resistance Front because it is a significant part of Malton’s history. Ridleybank is the heart of the city, and its roots run pretty deep. It’s a massive group full of veteran players and it brings in a constant influx of new faces. The group takes responsibility for legit play and there’s seldom any groundbreaking drama, which is great considering how widespread everyone is. As a member of the Gore Corps, I get to experience Death Culting at its finest, prowling the ruins as our brothers and sisters close in around us. There is nothing greater than logging on and finding myself on the street, eaten and Death-Rattled at by a fellow Ridley. We must know our place and respect the horde, and it is an honor that we have been able to serve as long as we have. Regarding my role in the Gore Corps, I must remain vague, as we are a bit secretive with our sadism. I will admit that I am nothing more than a mild-mannered henchman taken under their tattered wing.

MHS: Now, some heretics-- we will call them “Mrh cows” – claim that being a survivor takes more than knowing a simple set of skills. Surviving--they say--takes hard work, a dedication to watching a barricade level drop slowly from EHB to VHB, and a commitment to acting selflessly, and not hoarding all thirty of your FAK kits. So...when you are revived...is it really as painful as I have been told to see the world as a survivor sees it?

BH: Survival sheerly for the sake of survival, takes almost no work at all. It is a futile endeavour that we have all instinctively faced at one time or another. Any “Mrh Cow” can hole himself away in an early grave of boards and light. The true labor comes with learning how to break free of those confines and truly live, walking the earth unafraid. When I am revived, it does indeed pain me to see survivors locked inside, quarrelling over sticks and stones. These days are a cause for celebration, yet they fail to embrace it, sharing their misery with the rest of us. Fortunately, when I am saddened I tend to cry double-ought tears of lead, so my revival is really more painful for them than it is for me.

MHS: What has been your most memorable moment in UD so far?

BH: I believe the most memorable moment so far was being involved in Excursion IV. I was just coming back from hiatus, linked up with the Gore Corps, and it was the first time in Urban Dead that I was able to really witness the full power of the Ridleybank Resistance Front on such a massive scale. Our strike teams were always dangerously close and when Death Culting I often found myself barely making it out of buildings alive as we scorched a path of death and destruction across Malton.

MHS: Some say that the harman is the most dangerous game, skillful at evading a pursuit, and lethal when cornered. What do you think? Any memorable battles / encounters with the most dangerous game / easiest meal?

BH: I believe the most dangerous game is the harman that we seldom see; those who stray from the beaten path, nomads lurking in ruin, rebuilding the framework of humanity. These select few have evolved with the times, they will be the last of the dying breed, and when it comes time to confront them in the final battle, perhaps centuries from now, there is no telling what they will be capable of.

MHS: Now for something more serious...is it true what they say about Lord Moloch?

BH: Yes. He is a fine leader and a gentleman and after serving in two groups under the man I would certainly be severely uncomfortable allowing my children near him.

MHS: For my final question, let's pretend that you are the last living member of the Gore Corps in a world taken over by zombies. You come across a small child, and she starts smiling at you. So...shotgun, pistol, knife or claw?

BH: I would do the honorable thing, axe down the cades, jump to my death and feeding drag her into the street. Victory would be shared; the last drop of survivor blood belongs to the horde.

MHS: Well, we would like to thank Bobby for taking the time to answer some of our questions, and we'll leave our dears readers in Malton with this loving thought: It's 10PM, the kids are tucked in, and the power just went out...are you sure your door is locked?