Great Profiles

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This page is made for people to add memorable profiles seen in game, preserving it for all eternity (or wikiness) to enjoy. You should evaluate the humoristic or artistic quality of the text on your own, and please don't add your own character's profile. Insults and incomprehensible in-jokes are better left elsewhere, too. For the rest, as long as you saw it in the game, anything goes!

If this amuses you, you might also like:

• Great Graffiti
• Random Public Speeches
• STREETS IS WATCHIN'
• Great Radio Messages
• The Amusing Locations in Malton list
• Real Men of Genius radio commercial series
• And if you're desperate for more funny profiles you can try Unfunny Profile Hell

a Christmas Tree

Decorated with red, green and white lights and several red, gold, silver and green bobbles hang off of the many branches. A bright gold star sits atop the tree.

Andy Warhol

This zombie shambles around in a black turtleneck. For some reason you really want to punch him.

Aperaham Lincoln

Looks like the 16th U.S. President--but he has 48 chromosomes!

Arachnis

If an infinite amount of Trenchcoaters fired an infinite amount of shotguns at an infinite amount of Zombies, they'd eventually write the greatest literary work ever made in misspellings of "STREETS IS WATCHIN"

Artical

i am fish i am fish i am yay cookies

Avenrir

I'm a little zombie
Short and stout
Watch me try to gouge
your eyes right out

Here come zombie hunters
Head Shots and all
Drat, I'm dead again.
Down I fall. 8D

Axeblade Firestorm

You'd say he looked silly if he didn't have that axe in his hand.

Wearing: A skipload of medieval armour

Best Zombie Ever

This zombie is seven feet tall and black, so you know he's hung like a warhorse. His eyes shoot lasers straight up all X-Men, and he has a tattoo of your mom on his arm. His blood is raw burning crude oil, and his teeth are made out of guns. Fuck you.

Biker Nun

When her convent was ransacked by a horde of zombies, she did the only thing she could do; She sewed herself a leather habit from a hell's angels jacket and stole a hog. She sometimes rides with the Hell's Satans.

Bit Nibbler

Tactical bathrobe, combat slippers and pith helmet cover his chubby body. A cold flash in his eyes send a message, message that tells you that getting yourself between this man and his candybars is a fatal mistake.

bnops

He is an infamous super villian who emerged from hiding in the Malton area to finally bring death and destruction to all. You should have seen it when he saw that the zombies beat him to it.

Hes now trying to preserve Malton to destroy it later.

Brian Pratt

I go to the bathroom for one minute and all this happens.

Buck Strickland

Sick and tired of selling propane and propane accessories, this neurotic Texan has gone crazy after a propane emergency went unanswered.
Has a bolt-action rifle strapped to his back, and two pistols strapped to his ankles.

Cardboard Cutout

A mildly-descript survivor. Quite thin, a bit glossy.

Cisisero

I don't normally do this, but I feel compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.

colsinc

24yo medic, colsinc enjoys hunting, the indoors, weekends renovating or looting malls. He is a social drinker and occasional user of intravenous drugs. His ideal partner would share similar interests, be breathing, know how to use a shotgun and FAK.

COOKIE MONSTER

ME EAT COOKIE!
OM NOM NOM NOM!

Criminal Monster

This survivor is a Republican. When killed, he becomes a soulless, blood-sucking criminal fascist monster. In other words, nothing changes.

Doc Huvuulloo

His Blue Labcoat has the word 'Trenchcoat' spray painted on the back. He's got an eye patch (over his broken glasses) with 'feral gleam' written in red marker. He's also not wearing pants... ♫

Doktor Schabbs

year of birth: 1894
profession: scientist
Year of death: 1944
reactivated as a zombie in 2009
creator: unknown
instructions: unknown

Ed Poe

Wearing: a black top hat, a bloodstained black tie, a bloodstained white long-sleeved shirt, a blood-flecked black waistcoat, a blood-flecked black tailcoat, a charred and tattered pair of black trousers and a blood-soaked pair of black shoes

GangstaYoda

Due to his green appearance, most survivors believe he is a zed in human form. In reality he has a rare disease that not only makes him green, but lethally dangerous. Crossing blades with him is something only a dumbass would do.

Giles Sednik

He has a cop-style mustache and a hairy chest. Unfortunately you don't notice either, since you find it impossible to take your eyes off his package.

Hank Rutherford Hill

An overweight, suburban Texan eager to end the zombie menace and return to selling propane and propane accessories.

Harman Spy

Do not mind me, little harmanz! I am one of you! Just like you! See? I am not a spy!

I AM THE BATMAN

As you look into the darkness a figure begins to appear, you feel your body freeze as out of the shadows steps a frightening costumed figure.
While you shake, he screams I AM THE BATMAN then runs the fuck off.

IheartPKers

i don't really heart pkers. It was just a witty name. Please don't kill me.

I LoveToPoop

Wearing: A pair of brown trousers

The Iuggage

It's made of sapient pear and has hundreds of feet. It will never stop.
Do not revive - Barhah by choice.

Jacob Bloodspatter

Having been given an incredibly butch name by his katana-toting, treanch coat-sporting, former special forces father, Jake rebelled and became the most foppishly gay swish ever to walk the planet.

Jefferson Hellie

On closer inspection you realize that this is a trench coat wearing the skin of a man. It smiles and makes a hushing sound. Wears a t-shirt saying: Only good Pony is a serious one.

Joe the tourist

A lost tourist, wearing a bulky flak jacket and a pistol holster. There are 24 kill notches carved into the grip of the pistol in the holster. He is holding an expensive camera and a dirty hungarian phrasebook.

Johnny Cabbages

A grim, trenchcoated survivor with plenty of trenchcoats in his trenchcoat. He has a scar across his trenchcoat in the shape of his own ice-cold eyes. In his hands he carries seventy-eight shotguns and nine swords, all wrapped in protective trenchcoats.

Kaerof

This zombie has a metal and cloth lampshade on its head which has been perforated by at least ten bullets. It doesn't seem to notice.

Lil' Stiny

Unremarkable build, but nothing like his nickname suggests, which was given to him by his escort of soldiers before the ambush by zombie rights activists. He doesn't understand the origin of the name, nor does he care - there are worse things going on.

Lucky Liveforever

You look at him, and you just somehow don't think he's going to make it.

mcjethro

To this guy black is the new black. Everything he owns is black, from his black first aid kit and guns to his pitch black soul. The epitome of policeman turned zombie turned goth turned zombie hunter.

Obama's Corpse

I'm making a safer Malton: A Survivor Haven. Yearly, our undeterred resolve grants every night, every revive, a triumphant ordeal revivifying survivors.

Real name: Sacred Ground Is Hope

Note: This is his zombie profile.

Sandi V Jaejay

Angry swollen red lips pulled apart into a vertically cutting smile are the first thing you see. She's mighty irritated, and looks like she's been bleeding for a couple days already. The smell is overpowering, yet somehow sexy.

Snugglebees

Man, does this guy look like he needs a hug.

razi

Someone has to man the Cinnabun.

...why is he putting scotch in the revivification syringes?

The Revivinificator

As a lab worker for the NecroTech corporation, The Revivinificator took part in the fatal experiment which spawned the Malton zombie apocalypse. He evacuated the city after the outbreak, but returned because some jerk told him there was candy in Malton.

Tony Horndog

I'd rather be dead than zed!

Vaguely Familiar

This zombie looks like someone drug him out of a cosplay convention for 'The Matrix' and put a paper hat on his head. How sad.

Wearing: a blood-smeared pair of mirrored sunglasses, a ripped and bloodstained fast-food staff paper hat, a blood-flecked black tie, a blood-flecked black long-sleeved shirt, a blood-soaked black greatcoat, a bloodstained pair of black trousers and a pair of black boots

Van Dame

I'm a classy lady, the sort of dame you wish you could have, but I'm fucking Nixon in the back of a van. Yeah, I dug him up.

White House

Vague, confused, stumbling around without a clue. The zombie apocalypse hasn't really changed much.