The Burchell Arms Regulars/Goldenhandshake Test

The Burchell Arms Regulars The Snug - Crumpled Up Newspaper - Staff Cleaning Rota - Broken bottles, Painkillers & the Jukey - The 3rd Floor Lavvy - Syzpid's Hobby Cupboard - No! No! The beer barrels go in the cellar! - Cabbie Sam's Dartboard (AKA The Deadbeat List) - The Burchell Arms Employee Of The Month! June 1993 - Rockefella Plaza Rocky, 52, was nominated as Employee of the Month for June 1993 due to his unstinting devotion to cheap sherry, having disposed of 18 bottles that'd been hidden away in the Burch. Rocky likes collecting model trains, backing sheets from salted peanuts, Grattan catalogues and Thermos flasks. He is most well noted for his famous carpet slippers and Farah trousers which he wears to stunning effect. Always a ladies man, he does find wearing their smalls is most gratifying. May 1604 - Jesus Sante Sante loves the outdoors! He can often be found in his cagoule and sou'wester braving the elements. The fact he's wearing nothing else but these PVC items is a moot point! It was Sante who'd designed the menu in the Burch, having decided that gruel and oats weren't for him any more. People queue for miles around to get some fresh air when he enters the room. Favourite comic: Garfield. The one where everyone NEVER existed. August 1920 - Danger Lightfoot Fabled Mummy's Boy, Dinger was weaned on Newcy Broon, which was a shock to his system as his Mam's milk was 90% proof. Dinger was voted Employee Of The Month as he drank Father O'Keefe's slops in a dare. Coming round three weeks later he claims the coma didn't effect him that badly; the simple fact he's now left-handed, and can't wee straight gives lie to this. It also gives him wet patches on his denim hot-pants. Jan 2000 - Rebecca Sensecal Dr Sensecal, as she insists on being called... Or is that Ms Sensecal (we just cannot handle this Mrs/Dr thing)? Becca, in honour of her ability to set bones, fix sniffles and make people whole again has been voted as employee of the month. The simple fact that the diploma from Universidad de El Salvador hasn't yet arrived to be framed, honourably, behind the Bar is something we've conveniently hidden behind what has been termed as... closed doors... Still, our resident tee-totaller is an honoured member of the BAR. December 1830 - Cabbie Sam Sam... Sam, Sam, Sam... Now where do we start with Sam? He's as hard as nails. As hard as tungsten if we're honest. But, BOY! Does he have problems with authority. That is.. if 'authority' is deadbeats and text rapists and other small-dicked ballsacks. Well, yes, YES he does. But he also has problems with directions, with understanding orders not to 'just go out and shoot the innocent' and also step-by-step instructions for Swedish furniture. Voted as Employee Of The Month out of some misguided sense of loyalty. October 1973 - Syzpid GOOD GRIEF MAN! What are you doing with that HOTDOG?! That's something we once asked of the hugely barnet-ed Syz; he couldn't really answer as he had his mouth full of cheap-ass ravioli at the time. After ten minutes of committed wiping, he was presentable enough to come and order us off his land. Syz was voted employee of the month because he felt sorry for us. February Stardate 2525.2 - Zabuden SHITTING HELL! Shouted the person in charge of the Women's Institute as Zab burst past the barrier to their bring and buy sale. And we'd all agree with her. Zab would have been an Underworld Don, had he just not suffered so badly with a mild form of dyslexia. As it stands he's an Underpant Don. That's pretty harsh on his family, and that's why, in opposition of all that's good and holy, he's been voted as Employee Of The Month. July 3000 - Alice Gravesend Thank GOD above for Alice Gravesend. She's a one-man anti-zerging robot from the year 3000. And she wears skimpy pants. It's for that reason, and that reason alone that Alice has been voted as our Employee of the Month.