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|[[#Sig of the Issue|Sig of the Issue]]
|[[#Sig of the Issue|Sig of the Issue]]
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|[[#The Second Coming!|The Second Coming!]]
|[[#Religion in Malton|Religion in Malton]]
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===NEVAR FORGET News===
===NEVAR FORGET News===


*'''I Bless the Rains Down on Arkham'''
*'''Man Worries About Neighbors'''
**Scientists explore deeper into the uninhabited lands of the Arkhams in their search for life. The team left Lockettside with 622 men and is down to 405, most of which died of disease. Lead scientist, Dr. Breshnev, defends the expedition claiming, "There is much to be gained here. If we prove that man can live in the Arkhams then maybe we could survive in Malton long enough for the military to rescue us." Dr. Breshnev, a former Soviet who dealt in human limits in harsh climates, says this is his hardest challenge yet after spending 30 years in Siberia.
**Edgecombe resident, George Wallen, has expressed his concern for his neighbors. "I haven't seen Bill or Marianne in well over three years. I'm beginning to worry." George claims that he still hears them making noises from inside their house but that they refuse to leave. "I suspect that they may be having some marital problems," said George as he looked out his window at their residency.


*'''Labine Arrested in Corruption Scandal'''
*'''Lord Moloch Declares Himself Creator of Everything'''
**Last week, after days of rioting, MEMS Commander Labine was arrested for corruption. Labine was linked caught accepting syrup by known Pancakes. If found guilty he could face 8-24 years in jail for possession of syrup and accepting bribes from criminals.  
**Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch, has just released a press conference where he introduced his new book: ''Why I Am Right, Have Always Been Right, And How I Went About Making Everything Myself Because I Am Amazing.'' In this book he declares himself "Creator of Everything", most notably the RRF, Barhah, and zombies in general.  


*'''Viva La Free Dulston!'''
*'''Garviel Loken: "I Was Wrong"'''
**In a long battle the Malton Uprising has finally liberated Dulston from the DEM's grips. As of right now there are no members of the DEM in the suburb, or any other survivors for that matter. Uprising leader, and self-proclaimed revolutionary, Alphacruss, who was several suburbs away from the fighting had this to say: "We have fought for survivors all over and finally we have freed them from the evil DEM. Now we can finally live in peace." When asked about his position on the zombie threat Alphacruss mysteriously had to leave for Yagoton.
**Everyone else: "Tell us something we don't know."


*'''Aged Man from Crowbank Remembers "The Good Ol' Days"'''
*'''Zombies Tour Malls'''
**After months of waiting an elderly man in Crowbank says he remembers "the good ol' days". Some of the things he remembers are long walks up hill both ways, everything costing a nickel, and "those damn dirty Krauts". Historians have been recording his recollections, hoping it could help us get a look into our past.
**It's the time of year again when zombies get together on the bus to tour the various malls of the city. But this year is different than others. The tour has its 4th mark, making it the oldest zombie get together. But what can these geriatric zombies really do? One survivor in Blesley Mall stated, "I'm not expecting much. Maybe a couple of groans. Old people groan a lot...or is it moan?"


*'''Malton Economy in Shambles'''
*'''Imperium Violently Annexes Santlerville!!!'''
**Economists fears have become a reality; the fragile economy of Malton has finally burst. With the banks collapsing and corporations filing for bankruptcy many civilians are left with nothing. Police and the Army have been deployed in the streets to keep the peace and enforce law and order. Men and women from all over have been looting stores and their local Malls for supplies. The Mayor has declared Marshall Law and has given control to the DEM to bring order to the city.
**Natives of Santlerville awoke to a roar as the might of the Emperor shook the very land that the Imperium Space Marines walked upon. Spaceships flew from the east and bombed he Beavers' damns into oblivion. Inquisitors interrogated little girls on what color panties they wore. When the battle was over the Imperium clearly decimated Santlerville. Only rubble of the suburb remain.


*'''Winter Fashion Hits Shelf'''
*'''Attention Whore Marries Someone Nobody Cares About'''
**Fashion genius, Karl, has come out with a new line for the average citizen with an inner PKer. His new clothing is a tux and top hat pre-splattered with blood to give that "murderous" look. No trendy killer would however be seen dead without a cane. The new Karl cane, called the Civilian Cane for the average citizen, has a slight bend in it. Karl says, "I designed the cane with the bend in it because I took my original cane and cracked it over Banana's head. I liked the look so I decided to have all canes have this look. So one by one I cracked them over his head to give that distinguished look." Karl's new line should be out by December.
**In a picturesque marriage that the bride's mother would have wanted for her, the bride and groom tied the knot somewhere. Many survivors dressed in their White Suits of Armor came to watch the text of one attention whore marrying someone nobody cares about. Each Knight dressed in White congratulated the Attention Whore and praised her for her obvious good looks. She was quoted saying, "I'm just so happy that everyone here is getting along!"


*'''Health Committee Looks into Alcohol Consumption'''
*'''Man Feels Hungry'''
**A local myth that alcohol heals wounds is about to be broken. The Malton Health Committee has done an investigation into this claims and says it shows no merit. The investigation in fact shows that drinking mass amounts of alcohol can lead to unfortunate events, like waking up with an ugly girl or Strata.
**Over three years after the quarantine was put into effect, a man from Yagoton feels...hungry. When he went outside to the local super market he realized there was none. Even more to his surprise was the lack of food anywhere. "How have I been surviving?!", shouted the man. "I haven't eaten in over three years and there's no food left!" 


*'''Blanemcc Declares War on Everyone'''
*'''Blane Shoots Self, Declares Victory'''
**After declaring war on the Dulston Alliance, the Fortress, Fanny, and then the Imperium, Blanemcc says he plans on declaring war on everyone else. "I'm new to being a PKer but I think I'm getting the hang of it", Blanemcc was quoted saying while looking at a map of Malton upside down. "If we march into Reganbank that should give us a straight shot at Eastonwood." Analysts expect many to die in what some would call a "war".
**The legendary PKer known as Blane shot himself on accident while gleefully gnawing on the barrel. Assuming that there were people standing around that cared he announced that he was fine and triumphed over the bullet. "This in another victory for me!", he announced to no one in particular. "I have blown a hole out of my right cheek and survived. Nothing can stop me." He then promptly declared war on firearms.


===Sooper Sekret Special===
===Sooper Sekret Special===


<center>'''Lord Pluto Returns!'''</center>
<center>'''DORIS is...Dead?'''</center>


On September 16<sup>th</sup>, 2008 the secular leader of DORIS, Canderous Ordo, has proclaimed the return of Lord Pluto. In his Second Coming he will brings his followers back to the Kuiper Belt and create Global Warming on Earth to kill the infidels. The final battle will take place over Prague where the Army of New Baghdad will clash with the heathen Stingrays. In this ultimate battle Pluto will come down from space with His son Charlton Heston and shoot all the motherfuckers he doesn't like. After that Saddam Hussein will be restored to power in his golden thrown in New Baghdad. All who die in the battle will be sent to Saint George Carlin in Charon, where they will be sent to the Kuiper Belt or to the Arkhams.
With the dangerous lack of DORIS rising in our fair city, this reporter noticed the decline in survivors. A flowchart was then drawn up to show how the moar DORIS you have the more likely you are to stay alive. But is this enough to save humanity? Canderous Ordo refused to comment but said that as long as people fly the DORIS flag, which coincidently looks like the Guyanan Flag, there will always be DORIS. He then predicted that someone will die in the next month worthy of honoring.
 
To speak to Lord Pluto you can pray to Him [[User talk:Pluto Freedom|here]]. Show your respects and dedication to Him.


===Why You Need Moar DORIS===
===Why You Need Moar DORIS===


You need more DORIS because...
You need more DORIS because...
*Pluto has returned
*You're the angel of the morning
*You talk to me like lovers do
*You want your cheek touched before he leaves
*You wanna go up to that Planet in the sky
*You need to be waken up before she go-go's
*Prague sucks
*Just like the white wing dove sings a song
*You realize the Uprising is a joke
*It sounds like she's singing
*You have no respect for anyone but yourself (and Pluto)
*You're walking on sunshine
*You know DORIS annoys Grim
*You hate boxxy


===Sig of the Issue===
===Sig of the Issue===


[[Image:Pluto DORIS.jpg]]
[[Image:DORIS Global Warming.png]]


Pluto is the Lord and Savior of DORIS. As Lord and Savior, Pluto was worshiped in the Sons of Pluto religion. Pluto's title is Ninth Planet of the Populat. His duties as Ninth Planet include, but are not limited to: creating all that is seen and unseen, leading DORIS from beyond the Kuiper Belt, be totally awesome, grant Eternal Salvation, and ressurrect himself. He can also be nevar forgotte.
Global Warming is a DORIS term for Jihad, or Holy War. As a Destroyer of Worlds, Global Warming would be declared on suburbs like Santlerville to increase carbon production and Green House Gases. Global Warming's title is Myth of the Populat. Its duties as Myth include, but are not limited to: making people believe it doesn't exist.


===The Second Coming!===
===Religion in Malton===
''By: TheUnremarkableHulk''


Pictures of Pluto returning to Malton have been taken from all over:
There are many different religious beliefs in Malton, and this reporter went deep undercover to sift through the layers of religious dogma to provide our readers with an unbiased account of religion in Malton so that they might make an informed decision on which collection of crazy stories to believe.


[[Image:Plutorapture.jpg]]
*'''Church of Kevan''' - These nutjobs think that Malton is some sort of universe unto itself and was created by some guy named Kevan. Sounds like a load of bull to me.
*'''Christianity''' - Believe some Jewish dude died and came back to life, which is complete and utter nonsense. Has anyone in Malton ever died and come back to life? No. End of story.
:*'''Protestantism''' - A branch of Christianity whose dogma is centered around sexual repression and disliking foreigners.
:*'''Catholicism''' - Bunch of bloody drunks. There's a reason people burn Catholic effigies on Guy Fawkes Day... something about traitorous gunpowder or some such nonsense.
*'''Cult of the Stuffed Crocodile''' - These guys find stuffed crocodiles and sit around worshiping them. To their credit, they can prove that stuffed crocodiles exist. To their discredit, Pluto isn't a crocodile.
*'''Judaism''' - No one knows what the hell Jews believe these days. Not even Jews do, and they should be ashamed of themselves for forgetting their rich religious heritage. At least, that's what their mother told me last week when I asked her what the hell Jews believe. She also told me to ask them why they never call.
*'''The Imperial Creed''' - They believe they were sent by some God-Emperor. You know who else believed in a God-Emperor? Romans. And you know what their emperors did? In certain cases, they had sex with donkeys. Ipso facto, the Imperium's God-Emperor fucks donkeys.
*'''Buddhism''' - I don't like their statues. Fat guys shouldn't be that happy; they should be burying their shame under another bag of Cheetos.
*'''Sons of Pluto''' - Finally, someone with the good sense to worship a silicate body flying through space at the edge of the solar system. These guys have got their heads on their shoulders.
*'''Paganism''' - They worship personifications of nature representing cultural values completely alien to humans in the modern West. I don't see how you could possibly phrase that in any way that would make it seem absolutely ridiculous. Besides, with Ron Burgundy gone, shouting Odin's name as you rush into battle is ''so'' 2007.
*'''Zombie Religions''' - How the hell should I know what the rotting bastards believe? You can barely understand the buggers. When do I get paid?
'''The Winner''' - The Sons of Pluto, duh. Who wants to worship some homeless Mexican named Jesús?


==Old Issues==
==Old Issues==
Line 90: Line 100:


[[The Pluto Press Issue 4]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 4]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 5]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 6]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 7]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 8]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 9]]


==The Editor==
==The Editor==

Latest revision as of 23:46, 9 August 2012

The Pluto Press

Newspaper DORIS.jpg

Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS

Current Issue

NEVAR FORGET News
Sooper Sekret Special
Why You Need Moar DORIS
Sig of the Issue
Religion in Malton

NEVAR FORGET News

  • Man Worries About Neighbors
    • Edgecombe resident, George Wallen, has expressed his concern for his neighbors. "I haven't seen Bill or Marianne in well over three years. I'm beginning to worry." George claims that he still hears them making noises from inside their house but that they refuse to leave. "I suspect that they may be having some marital problems," said George as he looked out his window at their residency.
  • Lord Moloch Declares Himself Creator of Everything
    • Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch, has just released a press conference where he introduced his new book: Why I Am Right, Have Always Been Right, And How I Went About Making Everything Myself Because I Am Amazing. In this book he declares himself "Creator of Everything", most notably the RRF, Barhah, and zombies in general.
  • Garviel Loken: "I Was Wrong"
    • Everyone else: "Tell us something we don't know."
  • Zombies Tour Malls
    • It's the time of year again when zombies get together on the bus to tour the various malls of the city. But this year is different than others. The tour has its 4th mark, making it the oldest zombie get together. But what can these geriatric zombies really do? One survivor in Blesley Mall stated, "I'm not expecting much. Maybe a couple of groans. Old people groan a lot...or is it moan?"
  • Imperium Violently Annexes Santlerville!!!
    • Natives of Santlerville awoke to a roar as the might of the Emperor shook the very land that the Imperium Space Marines walked upon. Spaceships flew from the east and bombed he Beavers' damns into oblivion. Inquisitors interrogated little girls on what color panties they wore. When the battle was over the Imperium clearly decimated Santlerville. Only rubble of the suburb remain.
  • Attention Whore Marries Someone Nobody Cares About
    • In a picturesque marriage that the bride's mother would have wanted for her, the bride and groom tied the knot somewhere. Many survivors dressed in their White Suits of Armor came to watch the text of one attention whore marrying someone nobody cares about. Each Knight dressed in White congratulated the Attention Whore and praised her for her obvious good looks. She was quoted saying, "I'm just so happy that everyone here is getting along!"
  • Man Feels Hungry
    • Over three years after the quarantine was put into effect, a man from Yagoton feels...hungry. When he went outside to the local super market he realized there was none. Even more to his surprise was the lack of food anywhere. "How have I been surviving?!", shouted the man. "I haven't eaten in over three years and there's no food left!"
  • Blane Shoots Self, Declares Victory
    • The legendary PKer known as Blane shot himself on accident while gleefully gnawing on the barrel. Assuming that there were people standing around that cared he announced that he was fine and triumphed over the bullet. "This in another victory for me!", he announced to no one in particular. "I have blown a hole out of my right cheek and survived. Nothing can stop me." He then promptly declared war on firearms.

Sooper Sekret Special

DORIS is...Dead?

With the dangerous lack of DORIS rising in our fair city, this reporter noticed the decline in survivors. A flowchart was then drawn up to show how the moar DORIS you have the more likely you are to stay alive. But is this enough to save humanity? Canderous Ordo refused to comment but said that as long as people fly the DORIS flag, which coincidently looks like the Guyanan Flag, there will always be DORIS. He then predicted that someone will die in the next month worthy of honoring.

Why You Need Moar DORIS

You need more DORIS because...

  • You're the angel of the morning
  • You want your cheek touched before he leaves
  • You need to be waken up before she go-go's
  • Just like the white wing dove sings a song
  • It sounds like she's singing
  • You're walking on sunshine
  • You hate boxxy

Sig of the Issue

DORIS Global Warming.png

Global Warming is a DORIS term for Jihad, or Holy War. As a Destroyer of Worlds, Global Warming would be declared on suburbs like Santlerville to increase carbon production and Green House Gases. Global Warming's title is Myth of the Populat. Its duties as Myth include, but are not limited to: making people believe it doesn't exist.

Religion in Malton

By: TheUnremarkableHulk

There are many different religious beliefs in Malton, and this reporter went deep undercover to sift through the layers of religious dogma to provide our readers with an unbiased account of religion in Malton so that they might make an informed decision on which collection of crazy stories to believe.

  • Church of Kevan - These nutjobs think that Malton is some sort of universe unto itself and was created by some guy named Kevan. Sounds like a load of bull to me.
  • Christianity - Believe some Jewish dude died and came back to life, which is complete and utter nonsense. Has anyone in Malton ever died and come back to life? No. End of story.
  • Protestantism - A branch of Christianity whose dogma is centered around sexual repression and disliking foreigners.
  • Catholicism - Bunch of bloody drunks. There's a reason people burn Catholic effigies on Guy Fawkes Day... something about traitorous gunpowder or some such nonsense.
  • Cult of the Stuffed Crocodile - These guys find stuffed crocodiles and sit around worshiping them. To their credit, they can prove that stuffed crocodiles exist. To their discredit, Pluto isn't a crocodile.
  • Judaism - No one knows what the hell Jews believe these days. Not even Jews do, and they should be ashamed of themselves for forgetting their rich religious heritage. At least, that's what their mother told me last week when I asked her what the hell Jews believe. She also told me to ask them why they never call.
  • The Imperial Creed - They believe they were sent by some God-Emperor. You know who else believed in a God-Emperor? Romans. And you know what their emperors did? In certain cases, they had sex with donkeys. Ipso facto, the Imperium's God-Emperor fucks donkeys.
  • Buddhism - I don't like their statues. Fat guys shouldn't be that happy; they should be burying their shame under another bag of Cheetos.
  • Sons of Pluto - Finally, someone with the good sense to worship a silicate body flying through space at the edge of the solar system. These guys have got their heads on their shoulders.
  • Paganism - They worship personifications of nature representing cultural values completely alien to humans in the modern West. I don't see how you could possibly phrase that in any way that would make it seem absolutely ridiculous. Besides, with Ron Burgundy gone, shouting Odin's name as you rush into battle is so 2007.
  • Zombie Religions - How the hell should I know what the rotting bastards believe? You can barely understand the buggers. When do I get paid?

The Winner - The Sons of Pluto, duh. Who wants to worship some homeless Mexican named Jesús?

Old Issues

The Pluto Press Issue 1

The Pluto Press Issue 2

The Pluto Press Issue 3

The Pluto Press Issue 4

The Pluto Press Issue 5

The Pluto Press Issue 6

The Pluto Press Issue 7

The Pluto Press Issue 8

The Pluto Press Issue 9

The Editor

Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat

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