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| ===NEVAR FORGET News=== | | ===NEVAR FORGET News=== |
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| *'''Soviets Invading Georgia Leads To South Rising Again''' | | *'''Everybody Wants To Rule the World''' |
| **In a confirmed report from the Kremlin, located near Cairo, the Soviet Union invaded the sovereign state of Georgia. Many Southerners trapped in Malton are outraged, flying Rebel Flags, chewing and spitting out tobacco, and drinking excessive amounts of moonshine. One Good Ol' Boy from Atlanta spoke to our field reporter in Athens, the former Greek City State that fell to The Spartans, saying "Now, firs' it was 'dem damn Yanks and now it 'dem damn Reds. My granddaddy left me an' my six brothers and twelve sisters a Winchester jus' in case this happen." Our translator was able to make sense of his statement, saying "He was both upset and outraged, feeling remorse and the need for unnecessary revenge." | | **After a huge battle that shook the very core of the world DORIS has claimed victory in its war against heathens. This year the Sons of Pluto have killed a record 824,092 throughout the world in the name of Pluto. Just last Sunday was DORIS' main holiday, 8/24, the mourniversary of their fallen leader. Reporters are still trying to confirm the number of dead and missing. |
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| *'''The Lost City of Dunell Hills''' | | *'''Turkmenbashi Claims Sold Two Left Shoes''' |
| **In a rare glimpse into the red suburb, archaeologists from the University of New Baghdad were able to find evidence that the suburb once supported life. One scientist was enthusiastic enough to speak with us on the discovery. "It's like nothing we've ever seen before. We have proof of an ancient civilization that used to live here in our very own city. Now we're not sure what kind of creatures could survive in such a hostile environment but we believe that some sort of extinct species of reptiles used to walk up right, policing the area. Some of the artifacts make reference to some obscure leader named Conndraka, which translate to King of the Dragons according to our texts. It's so very exciting!" Exciting indeed. | | **Yesterday the news medias were riled up from the claims of Turkmenbashi that he was sold two left shoes from a department store in Treweeke Mall. If this is so then Dulston would be held guilty of trickery. Under Malton Anti-Trickery Laws Article 8 Section 2.4: "...Convicted Tricksters...[are] to be beaten until their pulp is bloody and/or the beater is duly tired." In Section 9.2 it gives power to all citizens alive or undead (rewritten in 2006) to carry out the court's orders in Anti-Trickery offenses. |
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| *'''Your Children May Be At Risk'''
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| **A recent investigation shows children and teenagers sneaking out after dark to schools and libraries to read. Reading is dangerous to the minds of youths and can desensitize them to peace. Reading does almost nothing for youths while pure unadultered violence can improve a young one's skills. So talk with your child and explain to him why firearms and axes are better than literature.
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| *'''EMLN: Pancake Group of the Dulston Alliance''' | | *'''Respected Survivor Proven Liar''' |
| **Yes, you heard it here first. A leak in the FBI, KGB, and USAI has provided evidence of a EMLN and DA coordination attempt. Bottles of syrup, butter packs, powder sugar, and a sweet aroma was found in their possession. An on-going investigation is on-going. | | **When you hear the name Garviel Loken you automatically think of a respectable man who has devoted his time to righteousness and goodwill. Recently he has gone and tarnished his own name. The once respected soldier of the nonexistent emperor claimed that he was leaving Malton for good, an event that left many sad, but has just returned to the city he abandoned. Locals of Gibsonton are infuriated. One man was seen throwing tomatoes at Garviel's five-man welcome parade. One woman said, "I used to respect him, especially during his Frog platform, but if there is one thing I cannot stand it's liars." Later that day a former ally of his reported, "When you make a promise you're supposed to keep it. The people of Malton are heartbroken as it is because of the lack of support from the government. We don't need people saying they're leaving and then taking it back." The Mayor has supported a bill that would give Garviel the title "Liar Liar Pants on Fire". |
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| *'''"I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me"''' | | *'''Government to Close Fort Perryn''' |
| **Spai Fever is ravaging across Malton. Survivor Leaders in Malton want to remind everyone that spais are everywhere. Look over your shoulder several times before entering or exiting a safehouse because someone may be watching. Your grandmother, your dog Sparky, your high school sweetheart, and even your Pope for you Vatican Voodoo followers. Also remember not to talk about survivor movements. Just because you can't understand a zombie does not mean that it cannot understand you. Loose Lips Sink Safehouses. Literally, safehouses will fall into the water and sink. | | **The military budget has just been cut again after a Parliament decision from little to nothing. Army Control Corps leader, Colonel Saul KD, announced the Fort's closure yesterday. The Fort is to be emptied with all useful items sent to Iraq. Demolition workers expect to have the place leveled by next month. |
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| *'''Man Eats Fist''' | | *'''Malton Uprising''' |
| **Last week the world watch in astonishment as the Pitneybank native, Desmond Styles, ate his own fist on live television. The Late Night TV Crue and the Radio Survivor covered the story for days. Today, in a rare stroke of luck we were able to secure and interview with the rebel rouser and non-conformist. Unfortunately all our questions were answered with an "Unnngghhh", "Uggggggghhhh", or a strange gagging noise followed by tears and bile being force out around his arm, which is still protruding from his mouth. | | **In a breaking news segment we bring you a report from an East Boundwood bakery. After mixing too much yeast into his bread mix the baker placed it in the oven and was shocked as it grew and broke free from its firey cage. The yeasty dough-monster is said to be growing exponentially but will most likely burst with little to no damage. Scientists estimate the date of the flop to be September 9th. Officials assure that no one will be hurt. |
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| ''This Just In!'': Desmond Styles has died in an unfortunate accident. Apparently he choked to death on his own vomit and suffocated. Rakuen, a native of Quarlesbank, has announced his plans to beat the late Desmond's record by eating both his fists. | | *'''Akule Sues Himself''' |
| | **Legal activist, Akule, has taken a lawsuit out against himself, claiming he is encroaching on his own First Amendment rights. He feels that he is entitled to expressing himself anyway he wants but denies himself that right. If Akule loses this case he is expected to take it up with the Supreme Court. |
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| *'''Fort Creedy Gang-Rape Scandal''' | | *'''Malton Police Department Crack Down on Firearm Possession''' |
| **Military Police have just arrested several Junior Officers and the Commanding Officer of the Creedy Defence Force, the main military force behind the survivor presence in the Fort. They are accused of violently assaulting new recruits and quote "pretty boys" who stay overnight in the Fort. Most civilians of Pitneybank commented on the scandal calling them "Sickos", "Deranged Hill Billies", and even "Pederests". | | **In a sting operation outside of the Younghusband Arms police seized a total of 250 illegally own firearms and weapons on ten suspects. How they carried this many on them is still under investigation. South-East Division Superintendent Thor Ellis issued a statement to the public. "Just because zombies roam our streets does not mean our laws are moot. Laws are what separates us from animals, like Russians and the French. When you break the law you run the risk of getting caught. Just don't do it." |
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| | *'''Super McZed's Coming to Pennville and Whittenside''' |
| | **CEO Amazing, long banned from stepping foot in Malton, has stated plans to open up a McZed's on the borders of Pennville and Whittenside. "We plan on making a 3x3 block Super McZeds with everything inside it. A parking lot in the NW square, a playground in the N square, an employee training center in the NE square, a pediatrician center in the W square, the counters at the Center square, the kitchen in the E square, the storage facility in the SW square, the main entrance with the arches in the S square, and the dining area in the SE square. If all goes to plan we'll have it up in a month." Civilians are delighted. |
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| ===Sooper Sekret Special=== | | ===Sooper Sekret Special=== |
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| <center>'''8/24 - NEVAR FORGET!: Already Forgotten?'''</center> | | <center>'''The Imperium has Returned?'''</center> |
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| It is a sad day when Heathens walk the streets and pray in their false idol worshiping Cathedrals while devout Sons of Pluto must hide or else face persecution. It is because of this that the second mourniversary of our Lord Pluto must be done in sekret...sooper sekret. For the followers of Pluto please be aware of the following message: "Jean has a large Mustache." I repeat: "Jean has a large Mustache." Also note: "Alphy has a vagina." Repeat: "Alphy has a vagina." With that in mind the targets for this 8/24 are New Baghdad, the Steve Irwin Statue, the Cemetery, the NRA Building, the Hole in the Ozone Layer, and the place where George Carlin was shut down for cursing, fuck shit cunt tits, etc.
| | When the Imperium disbanded it was almost too good to be true. Now they claim to have returned. All five of them threaten Malton with their idiocracy. Key members of the Imperium Must Die Coalition are discussing the possible recreation of the group. If they do decide to work together again to rid the city of this scourge then they must stay in Gibsonton until the Imperium are thoroughly griefed. We ask all Coalition members to consider the possible war. |
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| More sooper sekret news of this week: | | More sooper sekret news of this week: |
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| *If you are playing The Game: Congratulations! You just lost. | | *Join the PK Olympics |
| *Kill Skritz | | *Kill Skritz |
| *Making fun of handicapped people is fun since they can't chase after you. | | *Rakuen failed to eat both his fists |
| *Apparently making fun of handicapped people can get you sued.
| | *DORIS is sexy |
| *I owe some fuck with crutches over $20 million because of emotional damages
| | *If Pluto is not a planet then midgets aren't people. |
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| ===Why You Need Moar DORIS=== | | ===Why You Need Moar DORIS=== |
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| You need more DORIS because... | | You need more DORIS because... |
| *It's almost 8/24 and you NEVAR FORGET | | *It's almost 9/2 and you NEVAR FORGET |
| *You want to travel Malton | | *You can't win the lottery |
| *Your calender is empty and needs to be filled up with those neat little Holiday! stickers that came with it | | *You need a date to the prom |
| *You realize that some people just take the game way too seriously | | *Sundays will never be the same |
| *You got the power | | *It's either us or the EMLN |
| *Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh heaven is a place on Pluto. They say in heaven love comes first. We'll make heaven a place on Pluto. Ooh heaven is a place on Pluto. | | *Reality bites |
| *You want to make that previous reason to rhyme better | | *You hate astronomy |
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| ===Sig of the Issue=== | | ===Sig of the Issue=== |
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| [[Image:ShaZam DORIS.jpg]] | | [[Image:Ler0y Jenkins DORIS.jpg]] |
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| Sha Zam was a master of touching little boys who joined DORIS around the time of the spread of Global Warming in Santlerville. His natural ability to be a horrible super hero helped DORIS spread ozone destroying spray cans to little children, when he was of course not trying to rape them. Sha Zam's title is Pedophile of the Populat. His duties as Pedophile include, but not limited to: touching little boys, raping little boys, felching little boys, molesting little boys, giving hugs to little boys, kissing little boys, hiding the bodies of dead little boys, and of course catering food to all DORIS sponsored events. He can make one helluva Veal Parmigiana with Red Wine.
| | Ler0y Jenkins was one of the many that joined during the Imperium Must Die Coalition action in Gibsonton. As a human paladin he was capable of fighting and healing/resurrecting his fallen comrades, which would be proven useful in the month long war. Ler0y Jenkins' title is Impatient One of the Populat. His duties as Impatient One include, but not limited to: running into buildings, shouting his name, eating friend chicken, motivating his teammates, and getting fidgety when standing still. He can also become and instant celebrity. |
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| ===Malton in Review=== | | ===COMING SOON FOOLS=== |
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| Our field investigators went to various places throughout Malton to find the best places for you to travel to. Some of these places are well known, while others are obscure little gems hiding in unknown corners of Malton. On the other hand, our agents of the truth went to places that some would call "dives" and what others would call "shit stains". Here is a list and reviews of the places that they visited:
| | soooooooooooon!!!! |
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| *[[City Zoo]] - Many residents of Ketchelbank take pride in having the ''only'' zoo in Malton within their borders. This 4x5, 20-block behemoth stands tall, as if providing covering over the northern part of the suburb. However, beyond first impressions the previous description is far from the truth. When you first walk into the Zoo you'll notice the lack of any actual animals. If there are no animals for you to ride through the streets of a post-apocalyptic city then what other point does the Zoo serve? None. Without Bear Cavalry you're not pretty much fucked. You're the opposite. You're unfucked. And unfucking enemies isn't very fun. The Zoo has nothing to offer. If you happen to be in Ketchelbank, stop and ask yourself..."What am I doing in this suburb anyway?" And then leave. Go somewhere else, like Roachtown. They have roaches, which counts as animals.
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| *[[Club Cocker]] - The nightlife in Dulston is what most would call dull. However, in the western most point of the suburb you'll find a peculiar little dance club. When you walk in you are welcomed by men dressed in leather and ass-less chaps. You follow the host, past the bar that only serves lite beers and wine coolers, until you are seated in front of the stage that at this particular night has a troupe of male dancers impersonating the Village People. The crowd doesn't seem to mind that the dancers are more interested in grinding up against each other than actually keeping their lips in sync with the music. As I look around I notice some familiar faces. Notable survivors such as Kikashie, Ottari, Garviel, Alpharius, Secruss, and Ioncannon all sit in various sections of the club. I hesitate to stand up and interview one of them but decide to do it in the name of journalism. I pick up my banana daiquiri and walk to the back of the club and speak to Secruss, who's with his ''partner'' Alpharius. I ask the two what they are drinking and they look at each other, giggle, then smile and say Appletinis. I begin my interview asking how they heard of the place and they say that everyone of this lifestyle knows about the place. They say that at night defenders of Treweeke Mall sneak out into a warehouse and then hop into the back window of the club. After about twenty awkward minutes I excuse myself and go back to my hotel room where I proceed to shower in boiling hot water for several minutes. I then checked into Anne General Hospital, instead of St Anacletus's Hospital because as burned as my skin may be I do not trust a Catholic touching my Plutonian skin. Overall the club isn't a bad place in Malton. However, I am nostalgic for the Club Empress that used to stand in its place when the land was known as New Baghdad.
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| *[[The Dann Hotel]] - When you walk into the hotel you can almost feel like you are being transported back into the days of the Five Families. In the early 1900's the Dann Hotel was used as a focal point for mobster activities. The interior reflects this with pictures of Maddaford, Cabell, Lorenzo, Johnstone, and McCulloch hanging in the lobby. A high chandelier hangs above you as you walk in. However, not is all what it seems. Unfortunately with the end of mob crime also came the end of proper security. I found my room to be less than adequate, while finding an actual zombie waiting for me in my bathshower. The editor, Canderous Ordo, later told me that this was due to the hotel being in the center of Stanbury Village, a very dangerous suburb. Note to editor: I want a raise after that.
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| *[[New Arkham]] - Nobody lives here.
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| *[[Old Towers|The Old Towers]] - Despite the name the structure of the building is still in fairly good shape. The building looks as if it is only a decade or so old. Unfortunately I was not able to interview the inhabitants of the tower as no one was in it. The building is ripe for living in as it is very spacious and still offers Dish Network tv.
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| *[[Caiger Mall]] - This review took the longest of them all as I died shortly after entering the Mall. In late 2005 the Mall was called "The Bastion of Survivor Hope". It symbolized the struggle against a zombie oppressor, which was ironically the much weaker minority. Today it is a dilapidated relic of a former empire. Vandalism covers the wall with slogans such as "BARHAH Mall", "Petro waz here", and "STREETS IS WATCHIN". However the Mall still attracts some brave crusaders and pilgrims who enter through the doors like clockwork. Everyday they are eaten and feasted upon and the next day they stand up from a fresh revive and repeat the process all over again. Darvall Heights and Chudleytown are a strange pair.
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| *[[St. Jude's Cathedral]] - To wrap this review up I decided to visit a Cathedral down in Molebank. Now, I didn't actually enter the building (as I am afraid of Catholics and their evil witch powers given to them from the Pope) but I did admire the architecture from afar. And by admire I mean loathed and by afar I mean about six blocks away with binoculars. The building was designed in typical Gothic architecture and had a Roman-esque whiff to it that made my Plutonian body sick to my Plutonian stomach. Note to editor: I want another raise
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| ==Old Issues== | | ==Old Issues== |
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| [[The Pluto Press Issue 2]] | | [[The Pluto Press Issue 2]] |
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| | [[The Pluto Press Issue 3]] |
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| ==The Editor== | | ==The Editor== |
