The Pluto Press

The Pluto Press Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS Current Issue NEVAR FORGET News Sooper Sekret Special Why You Need Moar DORIS Sig of the Issue The Second Coming! NEVAR FORGET News Man Spontaneously Grows a Pair After a heated argument in which one Canderous Ordo was told to "grow a pair", he spontaneously grew a pair of testicles out of sheer will power. Still baffled, scientists, especially smoking hot blonde ones, have spent days felating and massaging them to find out the secret behind is powers. Malton Block Party Busted The Malton Block Party, sponsored by the Department of Emergency Management, was busted by officers of Internal Affairs. The IA have long suspected the Malton Police Department of spending city funding on alcohol, food, and other entertainment. Many officers, obviously intoxicated, were arrested and placed in the city jail. If convicted these officers can face suspension without pay or worse, fired. Haunted School Not Really Haunted A school once believed to be haunted turns out to be inhabited by starving feral children, not ghosts. Brogan Boulevard School, long believed to be home to an evil pirate ghost named Captain Green Pegleg and his mount Frigid the panda, was instead home to roughly 30 children between the ages of 9 and 12 years of age. Survivors rummaging through the Crowbank school found several little children eating the carcass of rodent and immediately thought they were zombies and dispatched them with their firearms. Police do not plan on pressing charges. Soon after this encounter a team of investigators announced that the strange noises and moaning were from the children locked inside the building with only Pull doors from the inside, while they tried to push. City officials, who no longer fear the building since it is not haunted, plan on demolishing the building. The City Council has no comments on plans to remove children before demolition. Treweeke Mall Under New Management Without the Dulston Alliance to properly run Treweeke Mall the city of Malton has placed the mall under zombified management. "These new managers will work tireless to keep [Treeweeke] mall running and not in disrepair." Said the Secretary of Finances. "Maybe they'll turn a profit. The mall hasn't seen profit in years." GioV Arrested for Inappropriate Touching While everyone may be gay for GioV, one member of the Creedy Defense Force did not. GioV claims, "But I thought everyone in the CDF was gay!", a common mistake. Buildings in Ruin: Mayor Instead Funds Top Secret Company As most citizens on Malton know, the city is in ruins. Most buildings are collapsing and falling apart. Around half of the buildings are abandoned with only vagrants sleeping in them occasionally. When asked to spend city funding on urban restoration the Mayor instead diverted the funds toward a secret government company called NecroTech. When accused of not caring about the city's population the Mayor replied, "No. Only the minorities." Axes High Disbands After a long haul the volunteer fire fighter group, Axes High, officially disbands. Prominent member, Hardcore Rockabilly, decided that there was enough Axes High and pulled the plug. Blanemcc Declares Victory Against all odds Blanemcc won the largest outnumbered war ever recorded in Malton history. After declaring war on every known group in Malton, including his own, victory was reached. Many survivors of the epic battles point to the fact that no one knew Blane was even a PKer. Throughout the battle, as gun shots rang in their ears and axes swung at their faces, humans and zombies alike were too distracted asking the popular question, "Blane is a pker?" Their confusion gave Blane enough time to deliver lethal blows. Unfortunately Blane was not able to bask in his victory as he soon threw himself from a one story building, killing himself. Sooper Sekret Special DORIS Attacks Fort Creedy For unknown reasons DORIS has attacked the military installation, Fort Creedy. But the great Pluto Press would not be happy with just unknown reasons. No. This newspaper is dedicated to providing the truth, or at least any information close to it or in the general vicinity and/or ball park. After doing some serious intense research our journalists believe the murderous group are attacking the Fort because a planet told them too. Why You Need Moar DORIS You need more DORIS because... Pluto has returned You talk to me like lovers do You wanna go up to that Planet in the sky Prague sucks You realize the Uprising is a joke You have no respect for anyone but yourself (and Pluto) You know DORIS annoys Grim Sig of the Issue Pluto is the Lord and Savior of DORIS. As Lord and Savior, Pluto was worshiped in the Sons of Pluto religion. Pluto's title is Ninth Planet of the Populat. His duties as Ninth Planet include, but are not limited to: creating all that is seen and unseen, leading DORIS from beyond the Kuiper Belt, be totally awesome, grant Eternal Salvation, and ressurrect himself. He can also be nevar forgotte. The Second Coming! Pictures of Pluto returning to Malton have been taken from all over: Old Issues The Pluto Press Issue 1 The Pluto Press Issue 2 The Pluto Press Issue 3 The Pluto Press Issue 4 The Editor Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat