The Pluto Press

The Pluto Press Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS Current Issue NEVAR FORGET News Sooper Sekret Special Why You Need Moar DORIS Sig of the Issue Dear GioV: Romance Advice Column NEVAR FORGET News HOLY FUCKING SHIT! ZOMBIES ATTACKING MALTON! Breaking News Bulletin: In a strange event that has rocked the scientific community, word of "zombies" attacking has come from the suburb of Ruddlebank. A lone man has sent word of the enormous battle that is unfolding. Word is that it is twice, maybe thrice, as epic as the last Lord of the Rings movie. The City of Malton has issued a statement urging all civilians to remain in their houses and if they see any zombies to contact the police right away. Miltown Secedes From City On Monday morning the people of Malton were shocked to hear that Miltown has seceded from the rest of the city. The people and Mayor are both baffled by this news. One bystander had this to say: "I'm absolutely shocked and amazed by this news. There was a suburb called Miltown. I was just totally unaware of this." The Mayor at first did not wish to comment but after it was confirmed that there was indeed a suburb called 'Miltown' he gave an official statement. "The city of Malton has looked into the issue of the existence of a Miltown and indeed agrees with the people living there that they do exist. This inquiry should calm down the people of Malton who were panicking from the news. We hope that everyone is happy with the outcome of our investigation." Local School Shut Down For Teaching Zombification Most people in Owsleybank live a simple life. They do not like to get mixed up in the affairs of the inner city. But this past week saw an argument of epic proportions unfold between the clergy of St. Columbanus' Church and the Biology teacher of Caff Road School. The teacher has been accused of teaching the schoolchildren that zombies come from a virus that transforms humans into zombies. This has upset the clergy who believe children should be taught that this is an act of God and that no de-evolution takes place. Shortage of Socks Estimated this Winter Shop owners fear there may not be enough socks to go around this winter. In past years the stores have just barely been able to keep up with the demand. One store owner has said, "We expect to get more socks later this month." This is by far the most important event to happen this week, by far. Blane Runs Out of People to Declare War On; Claims Victory Anyway Despite having declared war on everyone and winning it was not enough for Blane, apparent PKer. Blane has decided that he must expand his war outside of Malton. "I may not be the smartest person but everyone knows how easy the Swiss are to defeat. They've been invaded like five times in the past century so it shouldn't be tough for me. Now, those French to the east may be trouble", said Blane as he looked at what appeared to be a map drawn with crayon. "Actually, I'm not sure where Swissland is. But I don't think that is a problem." Blane was last seen walking in the opposite direction. New New Arkham To Be Built By 2011 Construction workers have just released an estimate on how long it will take to make a New New Arkham. By 2011 they are confident the suburb will be up and running, this time with actual people. "I can't believe how much we messed up on the last Arkham we built." Said Vinchenzo, the greasy Italian foreman. "When we got the contract we figured that people would come here on their own but apparently no one wants to live here. We think by forcefully moving people there we'll finally be able to have people say they live in the Arkhams." Amusing Locations in Malton Turns 1 Year Old Some sort of party was thrown. No one went. Conspiracy Theorists Deny Zombies Exist In a special article we have a letter from a theorist who claims the government made it all up...the trick people. Here is the letter: "Dear 'Editor', I have sat too long in front of a computer watching poorly done videos and reading irrelevant facts to just sit here and take in what the government feeds us. Where's the proof of zombies? Just because you say you were there and saw them doesn't mean they exist. I read about this guy who says there's a top secret government file that says they planned on quarantining a city once so that they can do experiments on them. See the link? You're all sheep. Lord Mayor think he can just boss us around and hide the truth, but I see the truth, only me and my buddies who are too smart for the world. We need to end the military in the city by closing down the forts. And the police too. I don't like them. I got arrested once by them for smoking marijuana. They called it a 'crime'. I call it the government catching onto me catching onto them. Now, I can't prove how getting rid of the military will solve anything but I'll just say that they cost money and costing money is bad. Also, I believe that the government created these zombie stories to get more power because that's what they want. They want to use the group that is supposed to defend our freedoms even against those in our country trying to take them away to in fact take them away. Trippy huh? I knew you couldn't handle it. No one can. It's the truth, I read it online. Don't be a sheep, from BendarWoW." The Editor of the Pluto Press would like to apologize to all who have died of brain hemorrhaging or feel that they are now stupider. Sooper Sekret Special 9/2 Steve Irwin Attack Linked to Catholic Crocodiles For many they are still morning two years after the Prophet Steve Irwin was brutally murdered by the Stingrays. Even after justice was served when the Stingrays were put to death in the controversial trial, some still didn't feel closure. This reporter of the Pluto Press too felt that there was more that wasn't being told. The investigation started on September 26 when I received a note to go to St. Jude's Cathedral in Molebank by an anonymous tipster. When I went there I saw nothing except a Catholic Cathedral, which irked me. I waited for several hours before deciding to head back to my place. The next morning I received a call that a man was murdered inside the Cathedral in a similar fashion to Steve Irwin, sting to the heart. I looked further into the victim and found out that he had been going to church in Mornington and worked in an office there, helping them with their sewer bills. I thought this odd at first but didn't think anything of it. After going back to the office I still couldn't figure out how all of this was connected, but I knew it was. Then it hit me. Why was he in Molebank? Because he was a mole in the church! I scrambled all the information I had on the guy and compared handwriting, it was the same as the note I got on the 26th. For days I looked into his life and gathered information to crack the case but I couldn't. But out of nowhere on the 1st of October I got the smoking gun. Why was he working so much on the church's sewer bills. How could a church use that much sewer that they had to pay that much? (Other than the fact that they're full of crap) I inspected the outside of St. Jude's and found a large manhole behind the building. I crawled down in and the first thing I found was a Book of Pluto and several weapons, indicating that he was a Son of Pluto all along. My investigation got spookier from there. According to the blueprints from City Hall, beneath the city is supposed to be miles of sewers. What I found was an entire city that was connected to ours through sewer pipes from our toilets. I didn't see anyone and continued inspecting the buildings before me. It struck me then that Malton was in on this. Why do we have Tolman and Krinks Power Stations if they do not power the city? Because the power the other city! The city beneath us. Just as I was realizing the truth I heard a noise and I ran into a building. Before my eyes everything unfolded. Beneath every church was a city of Crocodiles! I ran to the surface and prepared my article for the paper. But as I was writing it I couldn't help but feel there was more. So I followed the Crocs wherever they went. Soon enough, the 4th to be exact, another smoking gun fell into my lap. I witnessed a deal between Crocs and Stingrays. The Stingray assassin was sent after me but luckily I was ready and killed him. I took refuge in St. Jude's, which turned out to be a mistake; mass was being held. Just as I was able to gain my bearing and realize what mess I was in things got a whole lot worse. The entire Catholic parish removed their masks and revealed themselves to be Crocodiles, including the Pope. (Dubbed Popigator) I had never noticed it before but after this investigation it is clear: The Stingrays were just hired stingers of the Catholics, who are all secretly Crocodiles. Why You Need Moar DORIS You need more DORIS because... You changed your mind about taking a thetan test You feel happy and you know it You do not want cancer GioV is a pop tart sweet hear You have no time for crying You feel good nuh nuh nuh nuh you knew that you would That man who kidnapped you saying a cyborg from the future wants to kill you to stop you from having a baby surely can't be a rapist...right? Sig of the Issue Smoked was an original leader of DORIS who helped start the Grigg Heights invasion. As a Bug God at Large, Smoked would pretend to be a bug or something that was running away from the cops, I'm not too sure. Smoked's title is Chump-Change Loan Shark of the Populat. His duties as Chump-Change Loan Shark include, but are not limited to: lending money, collecting money, taking items of value, breaking legs, breaking kneecaps, breaking objects of love, smashing car windshields, pushing off a building, pushing down steps, cutting you bad, and finally murder. Dear GioV: Romance Advice Column COMING SOON!!!!!!!!!!! Old Issues The Pluto Press Issue 1 The Pluto Press Issue 2 The Pluto Press Issue 3 The Pluto Press Issue 4 The Pluto Press Issue 5 The Pluto Press Issue 6 The Editor Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat