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|[[#Sig of the Issue|Sig of the Issue]]
|[[#Sig of the Issue|Sig of the Issue]]
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|[[#Malton in Review|Malton in Review]]
|[[#Religion in Malton|Religion in Malton]]
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===NEVAR FORGET News===
===NEVAR FORGET News===


*'''Everybody Wants To Rule the World'''
*'''Man Worries About Neighbors'''
**After a huge battle that shook the very core of the world DORIS has claimed victory in its war against heathens. This year the Sons of Pluto have killed a record 824,092 throughout the world in the name of Pluto. Just last Sunday was DORIS' main holiday, 8/24, the mourniversary of their fallen leader. Reporters are still trying to confirm the number of dead and missing.
**Edgecombe resident, George Wallen, has expressed his concern for his neighbors. "I haven't seen Bill or Marianne in well over three years. I'm beginning to worry." George claims that he still hears them making noises from inside their house but that they refuse to leave. "I suspect that they may be having some marital problems," said George as he looked out his window at their residency.


*'''Turkmenbashi Claims Sold Two Left Shoes'''
*'''Lord Moloch Declares Himself Creator of Everything'''
**Yesterday the news medias were riled up from the claims of Turkmenbashi that he was sold two left shoes from a department store in Treweeke Mall. If this is so then Dulston would be held guilty of trickery. Under Malton Anti-Trickery Laws Article 8 Section 2.4: "...Convicted Tricksters...[are] to be beaten until their pulp is bloody and/or the beater is duly tired." In Section 9.2 it gives power to all citizens alive or undead (rewritten in 2006) to carry out the court's orders in Anti-Trickery offenses.
**Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch, has just released a press conference where he introduced his new book: ''Why I Am Right, Have Always Been Right, And How I Went About Making Everything Myself Because I Am Amazing.'' In this book he declares himself "Creator of Everything", most notably the RRF, Barhah, and zombies in general.  


*'''Respected Survivor Proven Liar'''
*'''Garviel Loken: "I Was Wrong"'''
**When you hear the name Garviel Loken you automatically think of a respectable man who has devoted his time to righteousness and goodwill. Recently he has gone and tarnished his own name. The once respected soldier of the nonexistent emperor claimed that he was leaving Malton for good, an event that left many sad, but has just returned to the city he abandoned. Locals of Gibsonton are infuriated. One man was seen throwing tomatoes at Garviel's five-man welcome parade. One woman said, "I used to respect him, especially during his Frog platform, but if there is one thing I cannot stand it's liars." Later that day a former ally of his reported, "When you make a promise you're supposed to keep it. The people of Malton are heartbroken as it is because of the lack of support from the government. We don't need people saying they're leaving and then taking it back." The Mayor has supported a bill that would give Garviel the title "Liar Liar Pants on Fire".
**Everyone else: "Tell us something we don't know."


*'''Government to Close Fort Perryn'''
*'''Zombies Tour Malls'''
**The military budget has just been cut again after a Parliament decision from little to nothing. Army Control Corps leader, Colonel Saul KD, announced the Fort's closure yesterday. The Fort is to be emptied with all useful items sent to Iraq. Demolition workers expect to have the place leveled by next month.  
**It's the time of year again when zombies get together on the bus to tour the various malls of the city. But this year is different than others. The tour has its 4th mark, making it the oldest zombie get together. But what can these geriatric zombies really do? One survivor in Blesley Mall stated, "I'm not expecting much. Maybe a couple of groans. Old people groan a lot...or is it moan?"


*'''Malton Uprising'''
*'''Imperium Violently Annexes Santlerville!!!'''
**In a breaking news segment we bring you a report from an East Boundwood bakery. After mixing too much yeast into his bread mix the baker placed it in the oven and was shocked as it grew and broke free from its firey cage. The yeasty dough-monster is said to be growing exponentially but will most likely burst with little to no damage. Scientists estimate the date of the flop to be September 9th. Officials assure that no one will be hurt.
**Natives of Santlerville awoke to a roar as the might of the Emperor shook the very land that the Imperium Space Marines walked upon. Spaceships flew from the east and bombed he Beavers' damns into oblivion. Inquisitors interrogated little girls on what color panties they wore. When the battle was over the Imperium clearly decimated Santlerville. Only rubble of the suburb remain.


*'''Akule Sues Himself'''
*'''Attention Whore Marries Someone Nobody Cares About'''
**Legal activist, Akule, has taken a lawsuit out against himself, claiming he is encroaching on his own First Amendment rights. He feels that he is entitled to expressing himself anyway he wants but denies himself that right. If Akule loses this case he is expected to take it up with the Supreme Court.
**In a picturesque marriage that the bride's mother would have wanted for her, the bride and groom tied the knot somewhere. Many survivors dressed in their White Suits of Armor came to watch the text of one attention whore marrying someone nobody cares about. Each Knight dressed in White congratulated the Attention Whore and praised her for her obvious good looks. She was quoted saying, "I'm just so happy that everyone here is getting along!"


*'''Malton Police Department Crack Down on Firearm Possession'''
*'''Man Feels Hungry'''
**In a sting operation outside of the Younghusband Arms police seized a total of 250 illegally own firearms and weapons on ten suspects. How they carried this many on them is still under investigation. South-East Division Superintendent Thor Ellis issued a statement to the public. "Just because zombies roam our streets does not mean our laws are moot. Laws are what separates us from animals, like Russians and the French. When you break the law you run the risk of getting caught. Just don't do it."
**Over three years after the quarantine was put into effect, a man from Yagoton feels...hungry. When he went outside to the local super market he realized there was none. Even more to his surprise was the lack of food anywhere. "How have I been surviving?!", shouted the man. "I haven't eaten in over three years and there's no food left!"


*'''Super McZed's Coming to Pennville and Whittenside'''
*'''Blane Shoots Self, Declares Victory'''
**CEO Amazing, long banned from stepping foot in Malton, has stated plans to open up a McZed's on the borders of Pennville and Whittenside. "We plan on making a 3x3 block Super McZeds with everything inside it. A parking lot in the NW square, a playground in the N square, an employee training center in the NE square, a pediatrician center in the W square, the counters at the Center square, the kitchen in the E square, the storage facility in the SW square, the main entrance with the arches in the S square, and the dining area in the SE square. If all goes to plan we'll have it up in a month." Civilians are delighted.
**The legendary PKer known as Blane shot himself on accident while gleefully gnawing on the barrel. Assuming that there were people standing around that cared he announced that he was fine and triumphed over the bullet. "This in another victory for me!", he announced to no one in particular. "I have blown a hole out of my right cheek and survived. Nothing can stop me." He then promptly declared war on firearms.


===Sooper Sekret Special===
===Sooper Sekret Special===


<center>'''The Imperium has Returned?'''</center>
<center>'''DORIS is...Dead?'''</center>


When the Imperium disbanded it was almost too good to be true. Now they claim to have returned. All five of them threaten Malton with their idiocracy. Key members of the Imperium Must Die Coalition are discussing the possible recreation of the group. If they do decide to work together again to rid the city of this scourge then they must stay in Gibsonton until the Imperium are thoroughly griefed. We ask all Coalition members to consider the possible war.
With the dangerous lack of DORIS rising in our fair city, this reporter noticed the decline in survivors. A flowchart was then drawn up to show how the moar DORIS you have the more likely you are to stay alive. But is this enough to save humanity? Canderous Ordo refused to comment but said that as long as people fly the DORIS flag, which coincidently looks like the Guyanan Flag, there will always be DORIS. He then predicted that someone will die in the next month worthy of honoring.
 
More sooper sekret news of this week:
 
*Join the PK Olympics
*Kill Skritz
*Rakuen failed to eat both his fists
*DORIS is sexy
*If Pluto is not a planet then midgets aren't people.


===Why You Need Moar DORIS===
===Why You Need Moar DORIS===


You need more DORIS because...
You need more DORIS because...
*It's almost 9/2 and you NEVAR FORGET
*You're the angel of the morning
*You can't win the lottery
*You want your cheek touched before he leaves
*You need a date to the prom
*You need to be waken up before she go-go's
*Sundays will never be the same
*Just like the white wing dove sings a song
*It's either us or the EMLN
*It sounds like she's singing
*Reality bites
*You're walking on sunshine
*You hate astronomy
*You hate boxxy


===Sig of the Issue===
===Sig of the Issue===


[[Image:Ler0y Jenkins DORIS.jpg]]
[[Image:DORIS Global Warming.png]]


Ler0y Jenkins was one of the many that joined during the Imperium Must Die Coalition action in Gibsonton. As a human paladin he was capable of fighting and healing/resurrecting his fallen comrades, which would be proven useful in the month long war. Ler0y Jenkins' title is Impatient One of the Populat. His duties as Impatient One include, but not limited to: running into buildings, shouting his name, eating friend chicken, motivating his teammates, and getting fidgety when standing still. He can also become and instant celebrity.
Global Warming is a DORIS term for Jihad, or Holy War. As a Destroyer of Worlds, Global Warming would be declared on suburbs like Santlerville to increase carbon production and Green House Gases. Global Warming's title is Myth of the Populat. Its duties as Myth include, but are not limited to: making people believe it doesn't exist.


===COMING SOON FOOLS===
===Religion in Malton===
''By: TheUnremarkableHulk''


soooooooooooon!!!!
There are many different religious beliefs in Malton, and this reporter went deep undercover to sift through the layers of religious dogma to provide our readers with an unbiased account of religion in Malton so that they might make an informed decision on which collection of crazy stories to believe.
 
*'''Church of Kevan''' - These nutjobs think that Malton is some sort of universe unto itself and was created by some guy named Kevan. Sounds like a load of bull to me.
*'''Christianity''' - Believe some Jewish dude died and came back to life, which is complete and utter nonsense. Has anyone in Malton ever died and come back to life? No. End of story.
:*'''Protestantism''' - A branch of Christianity whose dogma is centered around sexual repression and disliking foreigners.
:*'''Catholicism''' - Bunch of bloody drunks. There's a reason people burn Catholic effigies on Guy Fawkes Day... something about traitorous gunpowder or some such nonsense.
*'''Cult of the Stuffed Crocodile''' - These guys find stuffed crocodiles and sit around worshiping them. To their credit, they can prove that stuffed crocodiles exist. To their discredit, Pluto isn't a crocodile.
*'''Judaism''' - No one knows what the hell Jews believe these days. Not even Jews do, and they should be ashamed of themselves for forgetting their rich religious heritage. At least, that's what their mother told me last week when I asked her what the hell Jews believe. She also told me to ask them why they never call.
*'''The Imperial Creed''' - They believe they were sent by some God-Emperor. You know who else believed in a God-Emperor? Romans. And you know what their emperors did? In certain cases, they had sex with donkeys. Ipso facto, the Imperium's God-Emperor fucks donkeys.
*'''Buddhism''' - I don't like their statues. Fat guys shouldn't be that happy; they should be burying their shame under another bag of Cheetos.
*'''Sons of Pluto''' - Finally, someone with the good sense to worship a silicate body flying through space at the edge of the solar system. These guys have got their heads on their shoulders.
*'''Paganism''' - They worship personifications of nature representing cultural values completely alien to humans in the modern West. I don't see how you could possibly phrase that in any way that would make it seem absolutely ridiculous. Besides, with Ron Burgundy gone, shouting Odin's name as you rush into battle is ''so'' 2007.
*'''Zombie Religions''' - How the hell should I know what the rotting bastards believe? You can barely understand the buggers. When do I get paid?
'''The Winner''' - The Sons of Pluto, duh. Who wants to worship some homeless Mexican named Jesús?


==Old Issues==
==Old Issues==
Line 92: Line 98:


[[The Pluto Press Issue 3]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 3]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 4]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 5]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 6]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 7]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 8]]
[[The Pluto Press Issue 9]]


==The Editor==
==The Editor==

Latest revision as of 23:46, 9 August 2012

The Pluto Press

Newspaper DORIS.jpg

Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS

Current Issue

NEVAR FORGET News
Sooper Sekret Special
Why You Need Moar DORIS
Sig of the Issue
Religion in Malton

NEVAR FORGET News

  • Man Worries About Neighbors
    • Edgecombe resident, George Wallen, has expressed his concern for his neighbors. "I haven't seen Bill or Marianne in well over three years. I'm beginning to worry." George claims that he still hears them making noises from inside their house but that they refuse to leave. "I suspect that they may be having some marital problems," said George as he looked out his window at their residency.
  • Lord Moloch Declares Himself Creator of Everything
    • Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch, has just released a press conference where he introduced his new book: Why I Am Right, Have Always Been Right, And How I Went About Making Everything Myself Because I Am Amazing. In this book he declares himself "Creator of Everything", most notably the RRF, Barhah, and zombies in general.
  • Garviel Loken: "I Was Wrong"
    • Everyone else: "Tell us something we don't know."
  • Zombies Tour Malls
    • It's the time of year again when zombies get together on the bus to tour the various malls of the city. But this year is different than others. The tour has its 4th mark, making it the oldest zombie get together. But what can these geriatric zombies really do? One survivor in Blesley Mall stated, "I'm not expecting much. Maybe a couple of groans. Old people groan a lot...or is it moan?"
  • Imperium Violently Annexes Santlerville!!!
    • Natives of Santlerville awoke to a roar as the might of the Emperor shook the very land that the Imperium Space Marines walked upon. Spaceships flew from the east and bombed he Beavers' damns into oblivion. Inquisitors interrogated little girls on what color panties they wore. When the battle was over the Imperium clearly decimated Santlerville. Only rubble of the suburb remain.
  • Attention Whore Marries Someone Nobody Cares About
    • In a picturesque marriage that the bride's mother would have wanted for her, the bride and groom tied the knot somewhere. Many survivors dressed in their White Suits of Armor came to watch the text of one attention whore marrying someone nobody cares about. Each Knight dressed in White congratulated the Attention Whore and praised her for her obvious good looks. She was quoted saying, "I'm just so happy that everyone here is getting along!"
  • Man Feels Hungry
    • Over three years after the quarantine was put into effect, a man from Yagoton feels...hungry. When he went outside to the local super market he realized there was none. Even more to his surprise was the lack of food anywhere. "How have I been surviving?!", shouted the man. "I haven't eaten in over three years and there's no food left!"
  • Blane Shoots Self, Declares Victory
    • The legendary PKer known as Blane shot himself on accident while gleefully gnawing on the barrel. Assuming that there were people standing around that cared he announced that he was fine and triumphed over the bullet. "This in another victory for me!", he announced to no one in particular. "I have blown a hole out of my right cheek and survived. Nothing can stop me." He then promptly declared war on firearms.

Sooper Sekret Special

DORIS is...Dead?

With the dangerous lack of DORIS rising in our fair city, this reporter noticed the decline in survivors. A flowchart was then drawn up to show how the moar DORIS you have the more likely you are to stay alive. But is this enough to save humanity? Canderous Ordo refused to comment but said that as long as people fly the DORIS flag, which coincidently looks like the Guyanan Flag, there will always be DORIS. He then predicted that someone will die in the next month worthy of honoring.

Why You Need Moar DORIS

You need more DORIS because...

  • You're the angel of the morning
  • You want your cheek touched before he leaves
  • You need to be waken up before she go-go's
  • Just like the white wing dove sings a song
  • It sounds like she's singing
  • You're walking on sunshine
  • You hate boxxy

Sig of the Issue

DORIS Global Warming.png

Global Warming is a DORIS term for Jihad, or Holy War. As a Destroyer of Worlds, Global Warming would be declared on suburbs like Santlerville to increase carbon production and Green House Gases. Global Warming's title is Myth of the Populat. Its duties as Myth include, but are not limited to: making people believe it doesn't exist.

Religion in Malton

By: TheUnremarkableHulk

There are many different religious beliefs in Malton, and this reporter went deep undercover to sift through the layers of religious dogma to provide our readers with an unbiased account of religion in Malton so that they might make an informed decision on which collection of crazy stories to believe.

  • Church of Kevan - These nutjobs think that Malton is some sort of universe unto itself and was created by some guy named Kevan. Sounds like a load of bull to me.
  • Christianity - Believe some Jewish dude died and came back to life, which is complete and utter nonsense. Has anyone in Malton ever died and come back to life? No. End of story.
  • Protestantism - A branch of Christianity whose dogma is centered around sexual repression and disliking foreigners.
  • Catholicism - Bunch of bloody drunks. There's a reason people burn Catholic effigies on Guy Fawkes Day... something about traitorous gunpowder or some such nonsense.
  • Cult of the Stuffed Crocodile - These guys find stuffed crocodiles and sit around worshiping them. To their credit, they can prove that stuffed crocodiles exist. To their discredit, Pluto isn't a crocodile.
  • Judaism - No one knows what the hell Jews believe these days. Not even Jews do, and they should be ashamed of themselves for forgetting their rich religious heritage. At least, that's what their mother told me last week when I asked her what the hell Jews believe. She also told me to ask them why they never call.
  • The Imperial Creed - They believe they were sent by some God-Emperor. You know who else believed in a God-Emperor? Romans. And you know what their emperors did? In certain cases, they had sex with donkeys. Ipso facto, the Imperium's God-Emperor fucks donkeys.
  • Buddhism - I don't like their statues. Fat guys shouldn't be that happy; they should be burying their shame under another bag of Cheetos.
  • Sons of Pluto - Finally, someone with the good sense to worship a silicate body flying through space at the edge of the solar system. These guys have got their heads on their shoulders.
  • Paganism - They worship personifications of nature representing cultural values completely alien to humans in the modern West. I don't see how you could possibly phrase that in any way that would make it seem absolutely ridiculous. Besides, with Ron Burgundy gone, shouting Odin's name as you rush into battle is so 2007.
  • Zombie Religions - How the hell should I know what the rotting bastards believe? You can barely understand the buggers. When do I get paid?

The Winner - The Sons of Pluto, duh. Who wants to worship some homeless Mexican named Jesús?

Old Issues

The Pluto Press Issue 1

The Pluto Press Issue 2

The Pluto Press Issue 3

The Pluto Press Issue 4

The Pluto Press Issue 5

The Pluto Press Issue 6

The Pluto Press Issue 7

The Pluto Press Issue 8

The Pluto Press Issue 9

The Editor

Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat

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