Latest revision as of 23:46, 9 August 2012

The Pluto Press

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Current Issue

NEVAR FORGET News

Sooper Sekret Special

Why You Need Moar DORIS

Sig of the Issue

Religion in Malton

NEVAR FORGET News

Man Worries About Neighbors
- Edgecombe resident, George Wallen, has expressed his concern for his neighbors. "I haven't seen Bill or Marianne in well over three years. I'm beginning to worry." George claims that he still hears them making noises from inside their house but that they refuse to leave. "I suspect that they may be having some marital problems," said George as he looked out his window at their residency.

Lord Moloch Declares Himself Creator of Everything
- Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch, has just released a press conference where he introduced his new book: Why I Am Right, Have Always Been Right, And How I Went About Making Everything Myself Because I Am Amazing. In this book he declares himself "Creator of Everything", most notably the RRF, Barhah, and zombies in general.

Garviel Loken: "I Was Wrong"
- Everyone else: "Tell us something we don't know."

Zombies Tour Malls
- It's the time of year again when zombies get together on the bus to tour the various malls of the city. But this year is different than others. The tour has its 4th mark, making it the oldest zombie get together. But what can these geriatric zombies really do? One survivor in Blesley Mall stated, "I'm not expecting much. Maybe a couple of groans. Old people groan a lot...or is it moan?"

Imperium Violently Annexes Santlerville!!!
- Natives of Santlerville awoke to a roar as the might of the Emperor shook the very land that the Imperium Space Marines walked upon. Spaceships flew from the east and bombed he Beavers' damns into oblivion. Inquisitors interrogated little girls on what color panties they wore. When the battle was over the Imperium clearly decimated Santlerville. Only rubble of the suburb remain.

Attention Whore Marries Someone Nobody Cares About
- In a picturesque marriage that the bride's mother would have wanted for her, the bride and groom tied the knot somewhere. Many survivors dressed in their White Suits of Armor came to watch the text of one attention whore marrying someone nobody cares about. Each Knight dressed in White congratulated the Attention Whore and praised her for her obvious good looks. She was quoted saying, "I'm just so happy that everyone here is getting along!"

Man Feels Hungry
- Over three years after the quarantine was put into effect, a man from Yagoton feels...hungry. When he went outside to the local super market he realized there was none. Even more to his surprise was the lack of food anywhere. "How have I been surviving?!", shouted the man. "I haven't eaten in over three years and there's no food left!"

Blane Shoots Self, Declares Victory
- The legendary PKer known as Blane shot himself on accident while gleefully gnawing on the barrel. Assuming that there were people standing around that cared he announced that he was fine and triumphed over the bullet. "This in another victory for me!", he announced to no one in particular. "I have blown a hole out of my right cheek and survived. Nothing can stop me." He then promptly declared war on firearms.

Sooper Sekret Special

DORIS is...Dead?

With the dangerous lack of DORIS rising in our fair city, this reporter noticed the decline in survivors. A flowchart was then drawn up to show how the moar DORIS you have the more likely you are to stay alive. But is this enough to save humanity? Canderous Ordo refused to comment but said that as long as people fly the DORIS flag, which coincidently looks like the Guyanan Flag, there will always be DORIS. He then predicted that someone will die in the next month worthy of honoring.

Why You Need Moar DORIS

You need more DORIS because...

You're the angel of the morning
You want your cheek touched before he leaves
You need to be waken up before she go-go's
Just like the white wing dove sings a song
It sounds like she's singing
You're walking on sunshine
You hate boxxy

Sig of the Issue

Global Warming is a DORIS term for Jihad, or Holy War. As a Destroyer of Worlds, Global Warming would be declared on suburbs like Santlerville to increase carbon production and Green House Gases. Global Warming's title is Myth of the Populat. Its duties as Myth include, but are not limited to: making people believe it doesn't exist.

Religion in Malton

By: TheUnremarkableHulk

There are many different religious beliefs in Malton, and this reporter went deep undercover to sift through the layers of religious dogma to provide our readers with an unbiased account of religion in Malton so that they might make an informed decision on which collection of crazy stories to believe.

Church of Kevan - These nutjobs think that Malton is some sort of universe unto itself and was created by some guy named Kevan. Sounds like a load of bull to me.
Christianity - Believe some Jewish dude died and came back to life, which is complete and utter nonsense. Has anyone in Malton ever died and come back to life? No. End of story.

Protestantism - A branch of Christianity whose dogma is centered around sexual repression and disliking foreigners.
Catholicism - Bunch of bloody drunks. There's a reason people burn Catholic effigies on Guy Fawkes Day... something about traitorous gunpowder or some such nonsense.

Cult of the Stuffed Crocodile - These guys find stuffed crocodiles and sit around worshiping them. To their credit, they can prove that stuffed crocodiles exist. To their discredit, Pluto isn't a crocodile.
Judaism - No one knows what the hell Jews believe these days. Not even Jews do, and they should be ashamed of themselves for forgetting their rich religious heritage. At least, that's what their mother told me last week when I asked her what the hell Jews believe. She also told me to ask them why they never call.
The Imperial Creed - They believe they were sent by some God-Emperor. You know who else believed in a God-Emperor? Romans. And you know what their emperors did? In certain cases, they had sex with donkeys. Ipso facto, the Imperium's God-Emperor fucks donkeys.
Buddhism - I don't like their statues. Fat guys shouldn't be that happy; they should be burying their shame under another bag of Cheetos.
Sons of Pluto - Finally, someone with the good sense to worship a silicate body flying through space at the edge of the solar system. These guys have got their heads on their shoulders.
Paganism - They worship personifications of nature representing cultural values completely alien to humans in the modern West. I don't see how you could possibly phrase that in any way that would make it seem absolutely ridiculous. Besides, with Ron Burgundy gone, shouting Odin's name as you rush into battle is so 2007.
Zombie Religions - How the hell should I know what the rotting bastards believe? You can barely understand the buggers. When do I get paid?

The Winner - The Sons of Pluto, duh. Who wants to worship some homeless Mexican named Jesús?

Old Issues

The Pluto Press Issue 1

The Pluto Press Issue 2

The Pluto Press Issue 3

The Pluto Press Issue 4

The Pluto Press Issue 5

The Pluto Press Issue 6

The Pluto Press Issue 7

The Pluto Press Issue 8

The Pluto Press Issue 9

The Editor

Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat

@@ Line 21: / Line 21: @@
 |[[#Sig of the Issue|Sig of the Issue]]
 |-
-|[[#Dear GioV: Romance Advice Column|Dear GioV: Romance Advice Column]]
+|[[#Religion in Malton|Religion in Malton]]
 |}
 ===NEVAR FORGET News===
-*'''HOLY FUCKING SHIT! ZOMBIES ATTACKING MALTON!'''
+*'''Man Worries About Neighbors'''
-**Breaking News Bulletin: In a strange event that has rocked the scientific community, word of "zombies" attacking has come from the suburb of Ruddlebank. A lone man has sent word of the enormous battle that is unfolding. Word is that it is twice, maybe thrice, as epic as the last Lord of the Rings movie. The City of Malton has issued a statement urging all civilians to remain in their houses and if they see any zombies to contact the police right away.
+**Edgecombe resident, George Wallen, has expressed his concern for his neighbors. "I haven't seen Bill or Marianne in well over three years. I'm beginning to worry." George claims that he still hears them making noises from inside their house but that they refuse to leave. "I suspect that they may be having some marital problems," said George as he looked out his window at their residency.
-*'''Miltown Secedes From City'''
+*'''Lord Moloch Declares Himself Creator of Everything'''
-**On Monday morning the people of Malton were shocked to hear that Miltown has seceded from the rest of the city. The people and Mayor are both baffled by this news. One bystander had this to say: "I'm absolutely shocked and amazed by this news. There was a suburb called Miltown. I was just totally unaware of this." The Mayor at first did not wish to comment but after it was confirmed that there was indeed a suburb called 'Miltown' he gave an official statement. "The city of Malton has looked into the issue of the existence of a Miltown and indeed agrees with the people living there that they do exist. This inquiry should calm down the people of Malton who were panicking from the news. We hope that everyone is happy with the outcome of our investigation."
+**Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch, has just released a press conference where he introduced his new book: ''Why I Am Right, Have Always Been Right, And How I Went About Making Everything Myself Because I Am Amazing.'' In this book he declares himself "Creator of Everything", most notably the RRF, Barhah, and zombies in general.
-*'''Local School Shut Down For Teaching Zombification'''
+*'''Garviel Loken: "I Was Wrong"'''
-**Most people in Owsleybank live a simple life. They do not like to get mixed up in the affairs of the inner city. But this past week saw an argument of epic proportions unfold between the clergy of St. Columbanus' Church and the Biology teacher of Caff Road School. The teacher has been accused of teaching the schoolchildren that zombies come from a virus that transforms humans into zombies. This has upset the clergy who believe children should be taught that this is an act of God and that no de-evolution takes place.
+**Everyone else: "Tell us something we don't know."
-*'''Shortage of Socks Estimated this Winter'''
+*'''Zombies Tour Malls'''
-**Shop owners fear there may not be enough socks to go around this winter. In past years the stores have just barely been able to keep up with the demand. One store owner has said, "We expect to get more socks later this month." This is by far the most important event to happen this week, by far.
+**It's the time of year again when zombies get together on the bus to tour the various malls of the city. But this year is different than others. The tour has its 4th mark, making it the oldest zombie get together. But what can these geriatric zombies really do? One survivor in Blesley Mall stated, "I'm not expecting much. Maybe a couple of groans. Old people groan a lot...or is it moan?"
-*'''Blane Runs Out of People to Declare War On; Claims Victory Anyway'''
+*'''Imperium Violently Annexes Santlerville!!!'''
-**Despite having declared war on everyone and winning it was not enough for Blane, apparent PKer. Blane has decided that he must expand his war outside of Malton. "I may not be the smartest person but everyone knows how easy the Swiss are to defeat. They've been invaded like five times in the past century so it shouldn't be tough for me. Now, those French to the east may be trouble", said Blane as he looked at what appeared to be a map drawn with crayon. "Actually, I'm not sure where Swissland is. But I don't think that is a problem." Blane was last seen walking in the opposite direction.
+**Natives of Santlerville awoke to a roar as the might of the Emperor shook the very land that the Imperium Space Marines walked upon. Spaceships flew from the east and bombed he Beavers' damns into oblivion. Inquisitors interrogated little girls on what color panties they wore. When the battle was over the Imperium clearly decimated Santlerville. Only rubble of the suburb remain.
-*'''New New Arkham To Be Built By 2011'''
+*'''Attention Whore Marries Someone Nobody Cares About'''
-**Construction workers have just released an estimate on how long it will take to make a New New Arkham. By 2011 they are confident the suburb will be up and running, this time with actual people. "I can't believe how much we messed up on the last Arkham we built." Said Vinchenzo, the greasy Italian foreman. "When we got the contract we figured that people would come here on their own but apparently no one wants to live here. We think by forcefully moving people there we'll finally be able to have people say they live in the Arkhams."
+**In a picturesque marriage that the bride's mother would have wanted for her, the bride and groom tied the knot somewhere. Many survivors dressed in their White Suits of Armor came to watch the text of one attention whore marrying someone nobody cares about. Each Knight dressed in White congratulated the Attention Whore and praised her for her obvious good looks. She was quoted saying, "I'm just so happy that everyone here is getting along!"
-*'''Amusing Locations in Malton Turns 1 Year Old'''
+*'''Man Feels Hungry'''
-**Some sort of party was thrown. No one went.
+**Over three years after the quarantine was put into effect, a man from Yagoton feels...hungry. When he went outside to the local super market he realized there was none. Even more to his surprise was the lack of food anywhere. "How have I been surviving?!", shouted the man. "I haven't eaten in over three years and there's no food left!"
-*'''Conspiracy Theorists Deny Zombies Exist'''
+*'''Blane Shoots Self, Declares Victory'''
-**In a special article we have a letter from a theorist who claims the government made it all up...the trick people. Here is the letter: ''"Dear 'Editor', I have sat too long in front of a computer watching poorly done videos and reading irrelevant facts to just sit here and take in what the government feeds us. Where's the proof of zombies? Just because you say you were there and saw them doesn't mean they exist. I read about this guy who says there's a top secret government file that says they planned on quarantining a city once so that they can do experiments on them. See the link? You're all sheep. Lord Mayor think he can just boss us around and hide the truth, but I see the truth, only me and my buddies who are too smart for the world. We need to end the military in the city by closing down the forts. And the police too. I don't like them. I got arrested once by them for smoking marijuana. They called it a 'crime'. I call it the government catching onto me catching onto them. Now, I can't prove how getting rid of the military will solve anything but I'll just say that they cost money and costing money is bad. Also, I believe that the government created these zombie stories to get more power because that's what they want. They want to use the group that is supposed to defend our freedoms even against those in our country trying to take them away to in fact take them away. Trippy huh? I knew you couldn't handle it. No one can. It's the truth, I read it online. Don't be a sheep, from BendarWoW."'' The Editor of the Pluto Press would like to apologize to all who have died of brain hemorrhaging or feel that they are now stupider.
+**The legendary PKer known as Blane shot himself on accident while gleefully gnawing on the barrel. Assuming that there were people standing around that cared he announced that he was fine and triumphed over the bullet. "This in another victory for me!", he announced to no one in particular. "I have blown a hole out of my right cheek and survived. Nothing can stop me." He then promptly declared war on firearms.
 ===Sooper Sekret Special===
-<center>'''9/2 Steve Irwin Attack Linked to Catholic Crocodiles'''</center>
+<center>'''DORIS is...Dead?'''</center>
-For many they are still morning two years after the Prophet Steve Irwin was brutally murdered by the Stingrays. Even after justice was served when the Stingrays were put to death in the controversial trial, some still didn't feel closure. This reporter of the Pluto Press too felt that there was more that wasn't being told.
+With the dangerous lack of DORIS rising in our fair city, this reporter noticed the decline in survivors. A flowchart was then drawn up to show how the moar DORIS you have the more likely you are to stay alive. But is this enough to save humanity? Canderous Ordo refused to comment but said that as long as people fly the DORIS flag, which coincidently looks like the Guyanan Flag, there will always be DORIS. He then predicted that someone will die in the next month worthy of honoring.
-The investigation started on September 26 when I received a note to go to St. Jude's Cathedral in Molebank by an anonymous tipster. When I went there I saw nothing except a Catholic Cathedral, which irked me. I waited for several hours before deciding to head back to my place. The next morning I received a call that a man was murdered inside the Cathedral in a similar fashion to Steve Irwin, sting to the heart. I looked further into the victim and found out that he had been going to church in Mornington and worked in an office there, helping them with their sewer bills. I thought this odd at first but didn't think anything of it. After going back to the office I still couldn't figure out how all of this was connected, but I knew it was. Then it hit me. Why was he in Molebank? Because he was a mole in the church! I scrambled all the information I had on the guy and compared handwriting, it was the same as the note I got on the 26th.
-For days I looked into his life and gathered information to crack the case but I couldn't. But out of nowhere on the 1st of October I got the smoking gun. Why was he working so much on the church's sewer bills. How could a church use that much sewer that they had to pay that much? (Other than the fact that they're full of crap) I inspected the outside of St. Jude's and found a large manhole behind the building. I crawled down in and the first thing I found was a Book of Pluto and several weapons, indicating that he was a Son of Pluto all along. My investigation got spookier from there.
-According to the blueprints from City Hall, beneath the city is supposed to be miles of sewers. What I found was an entire city that was connected to ours through sewer pipes from our toilets. I didn't see anyone and continued inspecting the buildings before me. It struck me then that Malton was in on this. Why do we have Tolman and Krinks Power Stations if they do not power the city? Because the power the other city! The city beneath us. Just as I was realizing the truth I heard a noise and I ran into a building. Before my eyes everything unfolded.
-[[Image:Crocolic church.jpg|left|150 px]]
-[[Image:Crocandstingrays.jpg|right|150 px]]
-Beneath every church was a city of Crocodiles!
-I ran to the surface and prepared my article for the paper. But as I was writing it I couldn't help but feel there was more. So I followed the Crocs wherever they went. Soon enough, the 4th to be exact, another smoking gun fell into my lap. I witnessed a deal between Crocs and Stingrays.
-The Stingray assassin was sent after me but luckily I was ready and killed him. I took refuge in St. Jude's, which turned out to be a mistake; mass was being held. Just as I was able to gain my bearing and realize what mess I was in things got a whole lot worse. The entire Catholic parish removed their masks and revealed themselves to be Crocodiles, including the Pope. (Dubbed Popigator)
-[[Image:Popigator.jpg|left|150 px]]
-I had never noticed it before but after this investigation it is clear: The Stingrays were just hired stingers of the Catholics, who are all secretly Crocodiles.
 ===Why You Need Moar DORIS===
 You need more DORIS because...
-*You changed your mind about taking a thetan test
+*You're the angel of the morning
-*You feel happy and you know it
+*You want your cheek touched before he leaves
-*You do not want cancer
+*You need to be waken up before she go-go's
-*GioV is a pop tart sweet hear
+*Just like the white wing dove sings a song
-*You have no time for crying
+*It sounds like she's singing
-*You feel good nuh nuh nuh nuh you knew that you would
+*You're walking on sunshine
-*That man who kidnapped you saying a cyborg from the future wants to kill you to stop you from having a baby surely can't be a rapist...right?
+*You hate boxxy
 ===Sig of the Issue===
-[[Image:Smoked DORIS.jpg]]
+[[Image:DORIS Global Warming.png]]
-Smoked was an original leader of DORIS who helped start the Grigg Heights invasion. As a Bug God at Large, Smoked would pretend to be a bug or something that was running away from the cops, I'm not too sure. Smoked's title is Chump-Change Loan Shark of the Populat. His duties as Chump-Change Loan Shark include, but are not limited to: lending money, collecting money, taking items of value, breaking legs, breaking kneecaps, breaking objects of love, smashing car windshields, pushing off a building, pushing down steps, cutting you bad, and finally murder.
+Global Warming is a DORIS term for Jihad, or Holy War. As a Destroyer of Worlds, Global Warming would be declared on suburbs like Santlerville to increase carbon production and Green House Gases. Global Warming's title is Myth of the Populat. Its duties as Myth include, but are not limited to: making people believe it doesn't exist.
-===Dear GioV: Romance Advice Column===
+===Religion in Malton===
+''By: TheUnremarkableHulk''
-COMING SOON!!!!!!!!!!!
+There are many different religious beliefs in Malton, and this reporter went deep undercover to sift through the layers of religious dogma to provide our readers with an unbiased account of religion in Malton so that they might make an informed decision on which collection of crazy stories to believe.
+*'''Church of Kevan''' - These nutjobs think that Malton is some sort of universe unto itself and was created by some guy named Kevan. Sounds like a load of bull to me.
+*'''Christianity''' - Believe some Jewish dude died and came back to life, which is complete and utter nonsense. Has anyone in Malton ever died and come back to life? No. End of story.
+:*'''Protestantism''' - A branch of Christianity whose dogma is centered around sexual repression and disliking foreigners.
+:*'''Catholicism''' - Bunch of bloody drunks. There's a reason people burn Catholic effigies on Guy Fawkes Day... something about traitorous gunpowder or some such nonsense.
+*'''Cult of the Stuffed Crocodile''' - These guys find stuffed crocodiles and sit around worshiping them. To their credit, they can prove that stuffed crocodiles exist. To their discredit, Pluto isn't a crocodile.
+*'''Judaism''' - No one knows what the hell Jews believe these days. Not even Jews do, and they should be ashamed of themselves for forgetting their rich religious heritage. At least, that's what their mother told me last week when I asked her what the hell Jews believe. She also told me to ask them why they never call.
+*'''The Imperial Creed''' - They believe they were sent by some God-Emperor. You know who else believed in a God-Emperor? Romans. And you know what their emperors did? In certain cases, they had sex with donkeys. Ipso facto, the Imperium's God-Emperor fucks donkeys.
+*'''Buddhism''' - I don't like their statues. Fat guys shouldn't be that happy; they should be burying their shame under another bag of Cheetos.
+*'''Sons of Pluto''' - Finally, someone with the good sense to worship a silicate body flying through space at the edge of the solar system. These guys have got their heads on their shoulders.
+*'''Paganism''' - They worship personifications of nature representing cultural values completely alien to humans in the modern West. I don't see how you could possibly phrase that in any way that would make it seem absolutely ridiculous. Besides, with Ron Burgundy gone, shouting Odin's name as you rush into battle is ''so'' 2007.
+*'''Zombie Religions''' - How the hell should I know what the rotting bastards believe? You can barely understand the buggers. When do I get paid?
+'''The Winner''' - The Sons of Pluto, duh. Who wants to worship some homeless Mexican named Jesús?
 ==Old Issues==
@@ Line 110: / Line 104: @@
 [[The Pluto Press Issue 6]]
+[[The Pluto Press Issue 7]]
+[[The Pluto Press Issue 8]]
+[[The Pluto Press Issue 9]]
 ==The Editor==

The Pluto Press: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 23:46, 9 August 2012

The Pluto Press

Current Issue

NEVAR FORGET News

Sooper Sekret Special

Why You Need Moar DORIS

Sig of the Issue

Religion in Malton

Old Issues

The Editor

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