Crabbe Bank
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Crabbe Bank |
| Crabbe Bank
Wykewood [10,76]
Basic Info:
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Amusing Location |
| This location is on the list of Amusing Locations in Malton |
History
The Crabbe Bank was a popular and prodigiously successful discount whorehouse on the border of the Wykewood and Nixbank neighborhoods. It was opened in the late-1970s on the site of a former bank, the Love-And Trust, an experimental hippy establishment which operated from mid-to-late June of 1971 and was run on the honor system. Its proprietor, James "Itchypants" MacGarnagle, saw the need for a good, reliable, and - above all - filthy place for the working class of Malton to relax and reap the benefits of cheap pharmaceutical contraception and readily available antibiotics. Named for the Sunday-morning stowaways which MacGarnagle (who was admittedly a poor speller) always said were a sure sign of a good Saturday night (which he rarely remembered), the Crabbe Bank soon became one of the area's most popular attractions. In 1981, in order to reduce the congested traffic of the area, the city opened up the Thomson Drive Railway Station, and as the 80s rolled in with their cocaine, dark sunglasses, BMWs, and embarassing clothing, Crabbe Bank attained unprecedented success. This led to increased vagrancy in the two adjacent parks, as the nearby the Skilliter Motel, the Paris Motel, and the McDonald Motel were frequently overflowing with his customers; as a result, MacGarnagle bought and subsequently demolished a struggling nearby church, then built the Poynter Hotel, named for the peculiar "pointing" effect observed in many of its patrons' trousers. Due to massive crowding, the intervening street, Dix Row, was soon thereafter closed to vehicle traffic and made into a pedestrian thoroughfare, much of which was roped off to accommodate the queue to get in. As the 90s rolled in, Crabbe Bank saw its popularity wane, and responded with a series of moderately successful promotions - Hospital Night, where patients were given discounts; Double Kickback Day, for the local law enforcement; a short-lived partnership with lukewarm neighbors Evershed Auto Repair, with the famous Oil Change/Blowjob Special. It gained notoriety in the local press when, upon being caught using public funds for sex, a politician defended himself by saying "At least I was going to the Crabbe Bank" and therefore saving precious tax dollars. Sadly, the Crabbe Bank closed its vaults in 1996, as the emergence of prodigious and free internet pornography gave ugly and fat people another reason to just stay home and masturbate.
Influence on Popular Culture
In Malton, the phrase "Making a deposit at the Crabbe Bank" meant to have sex with a prostitute or, among the university crowd, a sorority member. "Getting [your] dicks in a row" meant hanging around in a prostitute-laden area looking to get laid. The cheap marijuana sold by the pimps and hustlers of the neighborhood was known as "Crabbe Grass". The term "crabby" could mean cranky as well as horny. The Crabbe Bank whores were known as "Crabbe-cakes" and the term spread to mean any whore at all. The Crabbe-cakes' occasional illegitimate children, known as "Crabbe-apples", were frequently abandoned at pubs throughout the city. And, perhaps most significantly, in Malton there was no stigma attached to pubic lice; indeed, young men often boasted of losing their virginity as "earning [their] Crabbes".
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