|
Evidence of Ancient Zombie Civilization Discovered in Ridleybank
RRF Zombie Discovers Evidence of Ancient Zombie and Harman Civilizations
So called "George Romero Videotapes" Suggest Amazing Feats are Possible
Validity of tapes still being debated by RRF Scientists
RIDLEYBANK - A Ridleybank feral made a stunning discovery Wednesday, digging up tape evidence suggesting that Malton was once ruled by ancient groups of zombies possessing previously unheard of abilities.
"This is an amazing discovery that gives hope to the future of zombies everywhere in Malton," admitted Lead RRF scientist Gragh McGragh , after watching Day of the Dead. "These tapes present a picture of zombie and harman interaction that I never thought was possible. To think, that zombies actually possessed the ability, and the knowledge, to shoot....yes I think that is the right word...shoot with firearms and listen to music. I find it absolutely mindblowing. Imagine how quickly we could drive out the harmans invaders with these so called "guns"."
Caption:The incredible discovery shows that Ancient Zombies possessed the power to use guns and listen to music.
McGragh then turned to his attention to the shotgun in front of him, taken from a slain Vawer Walk Police Chief, and proceeded to fumble around with a shell, unable to grasp the basic concept of loading the gun.
"Close your eyes and imagine a world in which entire cities are controlled by the living dead and harmans float from island to island in boats, terrified to land," continued McGragh,now fumbling with a six shooter. "Imagine a world in which a zombie could kill a survivor with one bite instead of the forty bites that it took me to kill that old lady. What does this ancient race of Romero Zombies have that I don't?"
McGragh then threw down the six shooter in frustration, totally not getting the concept of safeties.
RRF officials went on to describe some of the technologies and abilities contained in the three tapes, labeled Night of the Living Dead,Dawn of the Dead (2004), and Day of the Dead: "Its pretty amazing. These tapes suggest that little zombie children were at one point able to kill a full grown survivor in seconds and that, get this, infectious bite was actually incurable. We have yet to reproduce the results seen in the tapes, but we remain hopeful."
However, some zombie scientists remain skeptical about the validity of the tapes, firmly believing that the collection is nothing more than a "harman hoax."
"I was excited too when I first heard about the discovery," said Tina Gruesome. " But after reviewing the evidence for myself, its pretty clear that this is a hoax. The tapes suggest a level of harman cooperation and technology that are generations beyond current levels. Harmans using sniper rifles, a small group of harmans holding out for weeks in a Mall against a multi-thousand strong horde, harmans using moving vehicles--this is clearly fiction and not reality. I doubt our ancestors and more importantly, theirs, possessed this level of technology and intelligence."
Caption: Incredibly, the film suggests that small groups of survivors could actually survive inside a Mall and do the unthinkable: overcome their differences and work together for their survival.
"Frankly, I find the idea that a small team of harmans can overcome inner tormoil and actually work together to defeat the plans of such an obviously advanced race of zombies to be insulting," continued Gruesome."The malls of Nichols, Tynte, and Stickling have taught me that these so called "super zombies" in these controversial "Romero Tapes" should have killed those survivors in one night."
Gruesome then went on to describe other skills, that in her mind, demonstrate that the tape is a forgery:"Here we have a scene in which harmans use fire and gas to burn zombies. Who has ever heard of such mythical items or such nonsense? Here we have a scene in which the harmans actually escape from the city. Who has ever heard of someone actually leaving Malton?"
Despite such criticisms, supporters of the tapes stand by their theories, and suggest that future excavations would unearth more evidence of glorious and powerful zombie and harman groups.
"We are still puzzled over the disappearance of these great civilizations. Perhaps the zombies left Malton after driving off the survivors," said McGragh." Perhaps this George Romero was some ancient wrathful god who became displeased with his followers. Who can be sure? While we may never know what happened here, I think its clear that more exploration is necessary if we hope to uncover the secrets of Malton's past."
|
Free-ranging versus factory farm-raised harmanz: Which is better?
RIDLEYBANK- A study released today by the Ridleybank Braaaaaains and Brainrot Administration showed a sharp divide among Ridleybank zombies over preference between factory farm raised harmanz, and free ranging, organic harmanz. The study, sponsored by the Ridleybank Resistance Front, polled a random sampling of one thousand zombies in Ridleybank and found that only 52% prefer the more organic variety over factory-farm raised.
"There really is no debate. I believe that free ranging harmanz are healthier, happier, and have a higher grade than those second rate, harmanz raised by the big Ridleybank factory farms," said one organic, free-ranging rancher. "Free-ranging harmanz have that mild, sweet taste that remind me of my first time hunting in Ridleybank. The fact is that wild harmanz are getting harder and harder to find in the Zombie City of Malton. My all natural, organic brand of free-ranging harmanz is the closest thing you will get to eating a harman in the wild."
"Our free ranging harmanz have much larger and highly developed muscles that no factory-farm harman can even approach. We release feral zombies wranglers periodically inside the Park to encourage our stock to stay in shape and develop those muscles. Its leads to a product that I am proud to sell in Ridleybank," added another organic ranger.
The majority of free-ranging ranching operations in Ridleybank are mostly family run operations with almost all using Dufferin Park as a base of operations. Typically, free ranging harmanz are allowed to roam free in the park, and are fed basic grains and imitation gruel twice a day. Crude cardboard shelters are provided to the free ranging harmanz for protection against the elements. Most free ranging ranchers have taken to branding their stock in order to discourage poaching and stealing of valuable harmanstock.
"Harmanz-rustling used to be a major problem in Dufferin Park before we started branding," admitted one rancher."Now its easy to collect harmanstock for sending off to market."
Not all zombies agree with the practice, noting that free ranging harmanstock are more difficult to feed, and are prone to escape back into the wild.
"Purnell Harmanz Farms has been in the business of raising harmanz since the beginning," said CEO Bork Bragh. "We are able to deliver a viable product to market much faster than any so called "organic farm." The truth is our pens allow our zombie handlers to easily feed and clean a much larger number of harmanz very efficiently. We provide reading material and books from local Ridleybank libraries to encourage our harmanz to increase those sweet, sweet brains of theirs. We feel our harmanz have much larger brains, and ultimately, that is what is important and not measly, second grade muscle that is not fit to feed a high level zombie."
However, some survivor groups have called for the shutdown of the factories, even going as far to say that the practice of raising harmanz in heavily barricaded pens with no light or room to exercise is morally corrupt and barbaric. Unfortunately, the Malton Herald and Sun was unable to obtain any interviews, noting that the newspaper's practice in the past of eating all survivors following interviews may be limiting media access.
Echoing the sharp divide indicated in the study, zombie consumer groups noted that brains sold at market are mostly from factories while muscle and variety packs tend to be from the organic, free ranging farms. Regardless, consumer groups suggest that area zombies interested in the organic variety pay attention to the packing, and only buy products with the "Free Ranging" seal of approval.
Study shows harmanz are lazy, shiftless squatters
In a new study published in the Journal of Applied Lurching, RRF scientists demonstrated that harmanz, thought to be well coordinated and active, are actually one of the laziest species on Earth.
Caption: Subject #6, demonstrating a typical harmanz behavior of sitting inside, letting their sad, pathetic lives waste away after barricading a building.
The study, conducted by the RRF Coalition of Harman Biomechanics, involved a randomly selected sample of harmanz in the Blomfield Grove Police Department.
RRF scientists first tested harmanz reaction times to stressful events using a standardized "Bite Test" in which the harmanz were given infectious bites of greeting. Four harmanz failed to react to the test and were immediately devoured by feral zombies. Two others ran away screaming to "fall back" at the hospital. Scientists also noted that the harmanz shouted out their fall back point suggesting that harmanz may be stupider than previously thought.
Caption: Caption: Subject #3. Failed to move to weapon and first aid supplies despite nearby zombie horde. Was soon eaten.
In a concurrent study, RRF scientists captured lone harmanz in Ridleybank, sat them in a chair in a secured, barricaded room, and then placed ammunition and first aid kits across the room. Due to the unbelievable bad odor from the lack of harmanz not taking showers, scientists were forced to wear protective garments and face masks. A feral horde was brought outside the room and the subject was monitored. Scientists noted that not one harmanz left their chair despite the screams of a zombie horde outside. The harmanz were eventually killed after the ferals broke in.
Encouraged by the results, RRF scientists vow to conduct more studies to understand the harmanz before they die out from their pathetic attempts to repopulate the city.
|
