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Solution found to global energy crisis
'Everyone must die!' say zombie officials
Officials from Ridleybank Environmental Protection Agency have recently announced a breakthrough in the ongoing fight against climate change and dependence upon fossil fuels. Countering previous evidence that dead bodies give off methane which is a harmful greenhouse gas, Ridleybank environmental scientist Distinguished found after an exhaustive study that living harmanz actually damage the Earth much more than the undead. As he simply put it, "Everyone needs to die."
The study's results paint an alarming picture of unsustainable harman activities that are actively destroying our planet. Many of these problems are particularly persistent in Malton. For instance, portable generators that are noteworthy for their remarkable energy inefficiency have been set up throughout Malton to power entire buildings. These generators waste fuel, compounding tight oil supplies, and create heavy emission of greenhouse gases throughout Malton.
While the use of portable generators in Malton is particularly notable, environmental scientists say the problem runs much deeper. "Even if they stopped using portable generators, the harmanz are constantly engaging in behavior that's destroying the planet," explained Distinguished. "Food production, syringe production, gun and ammunition production, production of useless automatic weapons, katanas, trenchcoats and tartan kilts, even breathing -- all of these activities dump tons of carbon in our city's air everyday."
Unfortunately, there's little indication that such behavior is going to change. Dr. Cthulhu In Lingerie, behaviorologist and sex therapist, explained that it may be difficult to get harmanz to make the appropriate lifestyle changes. "Once you engage in an act repeatedly -- such as violating others with Thor, dropping generators in useless buildings or breathing -- it's a very difficult to break the habit that's formed by such an act. It would be very difficult to get more that 5-10% to break those habits voluntarily."
While the harmanz are short on solutions for their own destructive behavior, RRF Papa Moloch was not afraid to propose bold action to stop climate change and solve the world's energy crisis. "Well, the RRF is going to do its part. The harmanz are part of the problem, not part of the solution. So I guess we'll have to kill all the harmanz we can get our hands upon." When asked if the RRF would also help to clean up the mess of generators in the city, he stated, "Of course. The overabundance of generators in this city is a blight upon all of us. Hell, when I'm out with Gore Corps, it's hard for us to even breathe sometimes."
The Tidings of May
the more things change, the more they change
The start of June brings a new dynamic to interactions in Malton and abroad. The word from the Creator was heard across the city at the end of last month.
28th May 2008
- Decay spreads through the ruined buildings of the city. The longer that a building stands ruined, from today onwards, the harder it will be to repair. And as the moss and lichens spread across the final few skylights, several types of buildings are now dark without a generator hooked up, reducing search and attack rates until power can be restored.
- A few existing household items now double as impromptu weapons.
- Monroeville will be reopening its borders for a short while during June. Any survivors and zombies that make it as far as the end of May will have the fact noted in their profile.
Darkness reigns in certain buildings, causing attacking and searching to become difficult, though not all harmanbarnz are afflicted. Zethren are warned that the vile and heavy harman item, the toolbox, may now be wielded against us in violence as well as in blockade. Other formerly harmless objects are now being used by the desperate breathers as arms against our kind. Be vigilant, my zethren!
The new Maltonian situation seems loosely tied to the various random occurrences over the last few weeks. After enjoying a brief resurgence of lurching to block harmanz in the midst of barricading, zethren seem to have returned to a near-catatonic state in the face of such dangers. Other events of apparently random nature have been reported as well. Speculation is that meddling forces beyond our control are, well, meddling beyond our control.
Our cousins in spirit, the few, the proud, the zambahz of Monroeville are being allowed one more chance to gain some recruits in the serial-killer infested city. The quarantine is being temporarily lifted to allow rescue teams and military units the chance to die and return to eat everyone later. Of course, some may end up surviving, using up all their assault rifle ammo and bending their katanas in the initial drop, but these should be considered foods for later. Zambahz who are thinking of starting new families in Monroeville, be advised of the permanency of the Headshot in that vicinity.
Eye Candy
(mmmm, eyes... a tasty garnish)
Op-Ed
Using some exhibits, you reinforce the prison of our minds.
There comes a time in every survivor's life when he must, despite the long history of bloodied corpses and ruined corners, take up weapons against the forces of Good and defend a mall. Its in that spirit of inevitable failure, the same zeitgeist that gave us Blackmores 2-13, that we once again find ourselves at arms with our breathing brothers at a time when we should be sharing hagz and kisses ( bites too, for the kinkier crowd). Why this upheaval of solidarity? Whats to blame for this sudden outbreak of segregation, as opposed to zombies. Well, the obvious answer is the barricade.
Barricades, by definition, are dividing. Existing for no purpose other then to destroy the modern Mixed-Mortality family, these monstrosities are slowly but surely ripping apart the values and morals of Malton. In the past, harmen and zambah came together in beautiful union. Whether it was Standstock or feeding drag, our two people have always managed to put aside the petty things such as eaten brains and headshots for the greater good. This has become much less common as of late. In fact, just this morning as this reporter soundly slumbered, a gang of thugs made him a victim. I'm not alone in this, as zombah on harmen and harmen on zombah violence in ever increasing. However, this is just yet another symptom of the true problem.
How can we steer ourselves off of this collision course to sectarian animosity? It's easier said than done, but this Optimist believes it to not only be a viable solution, but someday a reality. We must cast these barricades back into the rubble from which they were created.
Harmenz must leave their dank, stagnant, unhygienic houses and meet us Zombies in the open. Only then can we truly enjoy the perks of both undeath and hopeless apocalypse. We must set aside our differences of diet and state of decomposition in exchange for lovely evenings at the local park and street performances at the nearest monument. How long have we all yearned for "Bring a Brazzah" day at the cinemas, or "Z!zzahz free before 12" at a club near you.
It can be a reality. We can make it happen, we just need to join together across the city, hand-in-claw. Only then will we be able to free ourselves of the bondage placed on us by Barricades.
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Special Unlifestyles Wedding Report
MH&S exclusive interview with RRF couple-to-be - Cialan and Sergeant "Naners" Hawk
MH&S: First of all, allow me to congratulate you on your marriage, and on the beauty that is zambah love.
Banana: Aww, how sweet.
MH&S: How did the two of you meet?
Banana: I guess on IRC. If memory serves, things just kinda progressed.
Cialan: Yeah, on IRC. I couldn't say much in rattle at first other than "Mah zambah ganna namnamz Banana." So it was more like "love at first bite." At first, he told me that it would never work out, since we were too different. But I got him to change his mind. :)
Banana: Yeah, Cialan can be very persuasive. You know, feminine wiles and all.
MH&S: That's a real shocker, you seem like such a perfect couple.
Cialan: We are.
Cialan snuggles Banana <3
Banana: Things went pretty smoothly, I'm happy to say.
Cialan: I'm fortunate that he reappears from somewhere else after I namnamz him. Because sometimes I just can't help it.
Banana: No nasty mid-relationship crises.
Cialan: Right.
MH&S: That's a feature most zombie/herb couples only could dream of.
Banana: It's amazing how health-centric people can be when an animated fruit joins the channel.
Cialan: Yeah. It's a good thing you're a healthy food and not something made of processed sugar. We're all much healthier because of it.
Banana: Heh, indeed, otherwise I don't think anyone would have any teeth left.
Cialan: Right. Well, some don't. Fortunately I still have my lower jaw.
Banana: We can't all just sit around and eat bran :P
Cialan: GMT-BC does that for us.
MH&S: Let's talk about the upcoming wedding.
Cialan: It'll be to die for. ;)
Banana: Puns already? :D
MH&S: Hehe
Cialan: You know it.
MH&S: There has been a lot of speculation about the time and place of the ceremony ever since your marriage was announced.
Cialan: Well, it depends a lot on the availability of the building in which we wish to wed. Some harmanz think they can just use it
whenever they like, and we were waiting for the right moment to remove them from the premises.
Banana: Yeah, harmanz definitely have an annoying habit of "barricading" buildings for their own use.
MH&S: The Blackmore was mentioned, isn't that right?
Cialan: Mmhm.
Banana: That's what we planned.
MH&S: And the siege has not managed to discourage you?
Banana: Of course not! In any siege, zombies always have the upper hand. The only thing that can deter is sheer boredom, and with
Cialan, that's never a problem.
Cialan: <3
Banana snuggles
Cialan snuggles bagh <3
Cialan: We'll be married in Blackmore, though we probably can't announce the date and time to the general harman populace in advance, or they might not show up to be the buffet. There is a reception to follow, you know. And we've already announced that
brains will be served.
Banana: Quite, first class catering.
MH&S: Rumor has is that Papa Moloch himself will officiate the wedding.
Cialan: That is true.
Banana: Yep, and we're glad to have him.
Cialan: Very.
MH&S:I imagine that having him breathing will make the ceremony much more accessible to the less literate of us.
Banana: We didn't want to exclude anyone.
MH&S: But you won't personally be breathing, of course?
Banana: No, no, we'll be quite dead to my knowledge.
Cialan: Right, we'll definitely be dead. But our part is quite easy. "Mmhm." "Mah zambah hahgz zah graam." etc.
MH&S: That's a relief.
Cialan: Yes, it is. But Nanarz and I already got revived so we could have new clothes for the occasion.
Cialan models her new wedding dress which is already blood-soaked.
Banana: True, they're already soiled beyond repair, but we'll still look nice. Even if I am wearing ... pants ...
Banana shudders.
Banana: They chafe somethin' fierce.
MH&S: I'm almost tempted to ask why you chose to wear pants in the first place.
Cialan: That's a very good question, Zbanzh.
Banana: I needed to complete the ensemble, and if I was going to give up my Santa suit, I'm going all the way.
Cialan: I told him he didn't have to give up his Santa suit ;__; I'd love my Nanarz even if he did still look like Santa Claus.
Banana: I did it for you <3
Cialan: Or well, more like a yellow fruit in a Santa suit.
Banana: It was terribly threadbare anyway.
Cialan: awww <3
Banana nibbles Cialan affectionately.
Cialan: rawr :)
Cialan: In Soviet Malton, Banana eats you?
Banana grins.
Banana: Who knows, Malton could be in Russia.
Cialan: Perhaps.
MH&S: All right, I think we've covered what most our readers are wondering about. Unless you have anything more you'd like to say before we finish, I'd like to thank you both for taking the time to be interviewed.
Cialan: Oh, it was my pleasure! Thanks for your interest in our zambah marr!azh. :)
Banana: Thanks, and I hope to see you at the wedding.
MH&S: You certainly will.
Cialan: Note to our harman readers: If you'd like to come and be the buffet, you're more than welcome to.
Gore Corps Has Better Nachos
Hungers flare as namnam conflict erupts during a public meeting of the RRF. In a food-related discussion earlier this week, an unnamed Gore Corps member mentioned to Team America that the reason for their superiority over said team, was their "better nachos". The discussion quickly turned violent as the rep speaking for TA threw some of their own nachos at the GCer, but to no avail. The nachos were immediately consumed and subsequently deemed "bland". The GC member then proceeded into a restricted area, no doubt to partake of their own private stock of delicious, cheese-covered, chippy goodness.
As of this report, it is unknown whether the Gore Corps nachos are indeed superior, or whether this is another example of food-based rivalry between teams in the Front. The Breakfast Club, the traditional foodies of the RRF, were surprisingly unavailable for comment, though nachos are not typically a morning food. The distinguished head of GMTBC is reported to have a secret stash of nachos, of the macho variety.
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