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New Heights in Trenchcoatery
Across Malton there are survivors wielding usless Katanas, automatic rifles without ammo, scars too numerous to count, staring off into the distance and, of course, wearing trenchcoats. However, there is a sense of restlessness within Malton's trenchcoating community. It hasn't been as fun for them to ignore crumbling barricades and fellow survivors in need of a revive in order to shoot zombies outside -- no, there is a movement afoot to create a whole new generation of cliches for the benefit of future trenchcoaters.
Photo courtesy of Red Rum.
"Well, some of the modifications we're attempting to implement are quite obvious," said Captain Rodgers 31. "For instance, camouflage. That's a really obvious thing for us to be wearing under our trenchcoats. Also, the cargo pants give us plenty of room to stuff the never-ending supply of shotguns we have because, of course, we carry nothing else."
However, some trenchcoaters have come up with quasi-creative ways of embarrassing themselves and making survivors look bad. "I'm not going to rest until every last zombie in Malton is dead," explains paulssj58902802843. "That's why I've taken up Falconry. Just imagine how scared those stupid-ass zeds are going to be when they see a Falcon swooping over their heads!"
Some ideas, are just lame extensions of already terrible ideas constantly advanced by the trenchcoaters of Malton. "I'm a ninja!" exclaimed Michaelangelo42. "I am a master of the Katana and can take a zombie's head off in one swift kick!" After our intrepid reporter vomited, Michaelangelo42 started another bout by saying, "I've also got a bunch of shirukens!"
When asked to explain the general phenomena of trenchcoating, Dr. Jennifer Miles of a local psychiatric hospital said, "Well, a lot of these people were around before the zombie apocalypse. They sat around in their basements playing computer games non-stop and fancied themselves to be total badasses. After the undead started walking, instead of contributing to survivor efforts in any meaningful way, they started carrying a bunch of ornamental weapons they had no idea how to use and just shot a bunch of zombies in the streets instead of protecting what the survivors had or taking back ransacked buildings."
Better Know a Strike Team: GMT
By Murray Jay Suskind
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Oooooo-ooo-ooo-ooooo woah! Nothing like some cheesy eighties music to lighten the mood. That was, of course, "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds. That song is most famous for two things: 1) Being incredibly annoying. 2) Being the theme from a famous eighties movie. Which brings us to part three in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.
The GMT Breakfast Club: The Fightin' Club! Formed in late 2005 during the Battle for Caiger Mall, this crack unit of some of the RRF's finest and highest level zombahz have been busting barricades and eating brains ever since. The official roadies of the RRF, they have been organizing tours and groaning "GRAHH one, two, GRAHH one, two," throughout Malton. Perhaps their greatest claim to fame is the fact they have eaten over 2000 brains to this point.
Known for their cheery spirit and cake distribution (they know how to put on a fantastic breakfast), they are always sure to mention that the GMT in their name stands for "Good Morning Tasty" as brains are so tasty to eat in the morning. They are lead by the charismatic cross-dresser HairyJim.
We recently had a chance to sit down with a few members of the GMT Breakfast Club while on tour in Darvall Heights.
MH&S: The GMT Breakfast Club has zombified over 2000 harmanz during its run. What would you say makes the club such a fearsome harman killing machine?
HJ: Surprise, Fear and a dedicated group of core members.
MH&S: Has there ever been a team of harmanz who have posed even the slightest impediment to the success of the GMT Breakfast Club?
HJ: We pretty much steam roll everyone we target -- just ask the inhabitants of The Whatmore Building for a recent example of a very successful GMT campaign; 100+ to 10~ inhabitants in under a fortnight. It's not the harmans that are the impediment it's the stuff they pile in front of their doors...
MH&S: Is there any connection between your group and the John Hughes film "The Breakfast Club?" Would you say that you're more like Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy or Molly Ringwald?
Have you seen a zombie dressed like this?
HJ: Well there is only one connection with us and the film and that is Molly Ringwald stole my wardrobe and she copies everything I wear. Other than that no. We would however like to meet them and have a nibble on Molly.
MH&S: Do you have any advise to the younger zombies and strike teams out there aspiring to GMT Breakfast Club status?
HJ: IRC is good. Harmanz are bad. Say that several times a day and well you are welcome on board. "Themes" and variety keep the troops entertained as well (check out our wiki page for some examples).
Editor's Note: This article is continued on the right-column.
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Editor's Note: Continued from left-column
MH&S: What kind of brain goes best with a nice cup of Earl Gray and scones?
HJ: There is no clear answer to this, each of us have our own preference.
Mardigan: A soft, spreadable one that's rich in XP and contains generous chunks of Headshot.
Distinguished: A warm one.
Bundolo: Well, I have to disagree with Mardi on this one. I mean, the bergamot in Earl Gray has a strong aroma to it, so it needs something strong to go with it. I'd definitely choose a dark brain rich with flavour and sarcasm - such as that of an ULC member. By the way, my personal favourite for those long sieges is a strong Oolong tea. It really keeps your bowels working when you need to eat more than two survivors a day. Remember kids: keep those small intestines working when you need to just pass it through, but savour the feeling of a Gingerbread Man.
MH&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?
HJ: Now only I can answer this question since i have shook hands with the "big man" personally, wihtout pants! See this video: Meeting the GREAT Pappa Petro.
MH&S: Truly an inspirational video.
When asked to rebut these charges, Rodgers said, "Whatever. The zombies are totally scared when I come walking up to them. Just check out this blood spattered shirt and these grime-covered combat boots."
Better Know a Strike Team -- The Gore Corps
By Murray Jay Suskind and Goolina
Ah... the combat revive. The bane of every zombah'z existence. Just when you think things are going well, bam, you're on the ground and are a useless harman, nonetheless. But wait! There is hope! Sometimes this freshly made harman stands up and begins smashing generators, headshotting harmanz and making what little is left of the harmanz lives a living hell. And that brings us to part four in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.
The Gore Corps: The Fightin' Corps! The resident death cultists of the RRF, these members reign blood on the harmanz in either zombah or harman form. The lure of the death cult was first formed during the Big Bash when during the siege of the Besley Mall, a certain young zombah kept getting combat revived. Instead of merely jumping out a window or sacrificing the temporary and disgusting harman viscera, this RRF member made it her job to torture the harmanz by causing destruction as one of their own.
When Papa Patrucio was looking to form new strike teams, a good word from Papa Sonny lead this rapidly maturing dual-threat killing machine to be entitled her own group. Hence, the Gore Corps, the RRF's death cultists were born.
And who is this brave leader? Well, it's none other than Goolina, a zombah that may have made it on as many harman shit lists as any other RRF member. We recently had a chance to talk with Goolina, in her much less disturbing zombah form, in her home in Woodland Towers.
MH&S: What would you say is the overall philosophy of the Gore Corps?
Goo: Our philosophy is simple: We assist the RRF in securing and preserving Ridleybank as a harman-and-barricade-free homeland for all zambahz. We lend a hand to other RRF strike teams as well. Two things we do not do are spy for the RRF (even though it's an accusation that follows us, it's patently untrue) or willingly enter Ridleybank (or the greater homeland) as harmanz. The exception would be during a siege situation inside Ridleybank - then the kid gloves come off!
The harmanz worst nightmare
MH&S: That's understandable. As the resident death cultists of the RRF, I'm sure you guys have been a lightning rod for the new RRF policy allowing death cultists. What pisses off harmanz so much about their brainz being sprayed about by a gunshot rather than having them merely eaten?
Goo: Harmanz like to think of themselves as benevolent protectors. Being blown away by their own kind shows them how truly vulnerable they are. It also strikes a chord of fear, because they know that there are people out there who would do the same thing in a real situation. Their greatest enemy isn't the zambahz, but each other.
MH&S: Is there anything that a harman can do that actually works against a death cultist?
Goo: Actually, yes. Accept the gift of barhah when it's offered, and don't make us come looking for you. We're like process servers...we always get our man.
MH&S: Yes, but are the harmanz smart enough to figure that out?
Goo: Come to think of it...no.
MH&S: What's the funnest part about being in the Gore Corps?
Goo: One thing I love about the Gore Corps is the comraderie. We like to have a laugh, and we're all about the funny. We spend a lot of time talking back and forth with each other about silly things that have happened to us, kills we've made, and the reaction of harmanz to our shenanigans. One of my favorite quotes is from the first person to join the Gore Corps:
"I took out Padre Romero a few minutes ago while listening to 'Natural Born Killaz', cause that's how I roll."
And then there's this particular gem:
"I racked up some XP against a PTT member the other day. Wore him down to 9 HP, healed him, shot him, healed him, shot him and killed him. Heh, I enjoyed it."
MH&S: Nice. Now, on a slightly more serious note.... Have you ever taken any contributions from Jack Abramoff?
Goo: I will neither confirm nor deny those allegations.
MH&S: Really? I have pictures.
Goo: *clicks off safety on gun*
MH&S: Why don't we move on to the final question. Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?
Goo: That's a difficult question. When I joined the RRF, Papa Sonny was the boss. I have a lot of respect for Sonny, and he always put a smile on my face with his devil-may-care attitude. He meant business too. Sonny was an all-around great Papa, and I miss the guy.
That's not to say Patrucio isn't a great Papa too. I think the RRF is blossoming under his leadership, and he's gone to great lengths to ensure that we still have a laugh while working on our goal of bringing the barhah to those in need. I think that if Patrucio continues in the same vein, he will become "greatest Papa" in the eyes of the Gore Corps.
MH&S: I'm sorry that wasn't an answer. Your options are: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?
Goo: Clawing his way towards "Greatest Papa" honors, most definitely.
MH&S: *Sighs* I guess I'll just mark you down as saying Greatest.
Mistakes were Mad
The Malton Herald & Sun is proud to syndicate the UrbanDead inspired comic "Mistakes Were Made!" by BigJ. The MH&S will syndicate the series in order, but to see BigJ's latest work, be sure to visit The Comic's Homepage.
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