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Better Know A Strike Team -- The Green Bay Packers
By BongoBrain and Murray Jay Suskind
Mmm... nothing smells quite as good as an undead corpse. The only thing I can even compare to it is a nice fragrant cheese. If I could lurch around with some Limburger on my head, I’d be a happy zombie. Speaking of undead Cheeseheads, it's time for part two of our ongoing series: Better Know a Strike Team.
Papa Patrucio leading his zambahz into battle
The Green Bay Packers: The Fightin’ Pack! The Packers strike team was formed in the Siege of Caiger, and as such is one of only two teams left from that time. From November of 2005 to the present day, the Packers have faithfully joined within their operating hours of 0000-0400 GMT to bring the spirit of Barhah to the cowering harman masses, on a campaign that has stretched from one end of Malton to the other.
As their name implies, the Packers are formed in the spirit of the famous American Football team, the Green Bay Packers. They are, in fact, lead by the undead incarnation of Brett Favre himself, still wearing his football jersey on which, despite the layers of blood and gore, the great white number 04 can still be seen. More importantly however, the Packers embody the spirit of Lambeau. Where blood still runs in their rotted veins, it is the blood of Vince Lombardi, of Ray Nitschke, of Reggie White and Gilbert Brown. They are the workhorses of the RRF, and with as much discipline as can be mustered in a “raging ball of square-dancing chaos”, they hold the line.
This spirit can be seen most strongly in what was likely the team’s finest hour thus far. While the rest of the horde was off on Excursion, it was the Packers along with a small group of other hardy volunteers who kept the zombie homeland free of harman vermin. While suburbs were torn up like tissue paper and brains ran in the streets like lumpy gravy, the Packers roamed Ridleybank and Barhahville, devouring what brains they could find squirreled away in the fetid hideyholes still scattered through the buildings. The Packers lived up to their reputation and kept on the job nonstop, ceasing only to conduct line drills in Foley Stadium, and hold the occasional towel fight.
And the Packers have still not stopped. They continue to strike every night, bringing on the spirit of the Barhah to the huddled harman masses, in that special, towel snapping, trenchcoat sacking way that only they can. On their rotten shoulders, moreover, rests the honor of the horde, for it is Patrucio himself, as the avatar of the great number four, who leads them. The Packers are now, for better or worse, the Honor Guard of the horde, and they bear the responsibility with pride.
Be you a zombie, and looking for a place for fun, comradeship, and towel snapping, then look no further. Be you a harman, then just know that we will see you soon
We recently had a chance to sit down with Strike Team leader Papa Patrucio in his Ridleybank office.
H&S: You model yourselves after the classic Packer teams of Lombardi and Holmgren. But what ever happened to the Packers of Don Majkowski?
Papa: We ate them.
H&S: The Magic Man? Why? He was such a juggernaut with Sterling Sharpe in Tecmo Super Bowl.
Papa: He wandered into Ridleybank. Packer or no, we don't distinguish between harmanz in the 'bank.
H&S: What stereotype would Reggie White have praised zombies for before the Wisconsin State Legislature?
Papa: It is usually left off of most transcripts, but he actually mentioned Zombie-Americans in that speech. It was right after he mentioned Hispanics, "Zombies, they have a gift for community. You see them standing around outside together in the rain and the snow and just about everything else, and they seem just as happy to be standing together no matter what. Plus, they love making new members to join them. I ain't ever seen a racist zombie."
H&S: In addition to leading the Packers you also lead the larger RRF. I suppose the next logical step would be Mayor of Malton. What's your platform?
Papa: Grah! Nah mar harmanz! Harmanz baad! Zambaz gaad! Braaaaa!nz!
H&S: As an elder in Urban Dead, you have surely sampled some excellent brains over the years: Which one was the best?
Papa: Oh, now that is a difficult one. There's the general debate between free-range brains and cage raised (aka Mall) brainz. They both have their different charms and such. But the finest brains I've ever had would have to have been Judge Judy. We've killed her regularly over our year of service, and each time I eat her brains they always seem a little better.
H&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?
Papa: I would have to say adequate for now. Petrosjko is clearly our greatest Papa. I just hope I can keep the horde lively and fun.
H&S: I'm sorry, but the only two options I have here are Great and Greatest.
Papa: (Vacant undead stare at Murray Jay)
H&S: I'll mark you down as "Great" because you don't think you're the greatest. Besides "Patrucio: I'm Great" makes you seem modest.
Papa: (Continued vacant undead stare)
H&S: Thank you for your time, sir.
Papa: You're... hey wait. Aren't you supposed to be on assignment? What are you doing here interviewing me? You've got harmanz to kill!
H&S: Aye aye, sir!
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Zambah Love
Editor's Note: This was originally a Q&A session given by Goolina and Stray Zombie at the Quartly Library.
MoreThanDork: "Undead love? You've found undead love? As a zombie I found this near impossible as everyone time I feel for a fellow zombie, they turned out to be my own sex... And kissing with no lips is really awkward. How do you express your love for one another? And how did you meet? I frequent all the zombie hang outs but it's always crammed full of guys trying to get some quick satisfaction. No zombie I know has shown the patience for an extended relationship. My greatest love, Marte the Moocher, is always wandering off on me. It seems the groaner is always meatier on the other side of the street"
Goolina: "Well since we play as death cultists, we tend to stay fresher than the average zambah. Thus, we have full use of our lips and um other parts. Also, we were a genuine couple before he started playing, so you can say I lured him into the undead world and on to my strike team. There's something sexy about a woman who's not afraid to take command, if you get what I'm saying."
Sir Fred of Etruria: "But how do zombies couples look out for each other ? How do zombies pine for each other ? I wish I could recognize a zombie from more than a block away ! Through familiarity I should gain the ability to recognize the feeding groans of my beloved undead...but alas, cupid seldom visits Roftwood. And when he does his arrows yield not amorous intentions, but instead zombie incursions. The tangling grasp yields more tenderness than any zurvivors greetings, and an axe expresses more succinctly than any word whose true meaning is fleeting. For only through the cold machinations of a powered cell phone tower can I contact my distant librarians, whereas the zombies sense of smell will always reveal fellow companions"
Goolina: "StrayZombie and I watch each other's backs. Remember the thunderous cockslap he gave DHS? That's just one of the many examples of his manly protectiveness."
StrayZombie: "I wanted him to feel my Thunderous Cockslap, no one messes with my woman, whether undead or not."
Goolina: "Just like I feel his thunderous cockslap, though in a totally loving and consensual way of course. Yes, Virginia, there IS undead sex. And it doesn't consist of lying there with your eyes closed, waiting for it to be over."
StrayZombie: "But there is a lot of moaning and feeding groans, so it makes it really hot."
Goolina: "Though truth be told, StrayZombie, you're not one to share this hot dish with the rest of the horde. He doesn't mind the occasional zambah girl dropping by for a little menage, but other than that it's a totally monogamous undead relationship."
StrayZombie: "Yeah, I'm waiting for that little red headed undead girl you mentioned to wander back to Ridleybank."
Goolina: "Oh my *fans self briskly* it's getting a little hot in here, isn't it? Perhaps we should retire to a cool, dark spot to lie down a bit? What say you, StrayZombie?"
StrayZombie: "Any spot you choose is fine with me, barbah."
Op-Ed
Using some exhibits, you reinforce the prison of our minds.
There comes a time in every survivor's life when he must, despite the long history of bloodied corpses and ruined corners, take up weapons against the forces of Good and defend a mall. Its in that spirit of inevitable failure, the same zeitgeist that gave us Blackmores 2-13, that we once again find ourselves at arms with our breathing brothers at a time when we should be sharing hagz and kisses ( bites too, for the kinkier crowd). Why this upheaval of solidarity? Whats to blame for this sudden outbreak of segregation, as opposed to zombies. Well, the obvious answer is the barricade.
Barricades, by definition, are dividing. Existing for no purpose other then to destroy the modern Mixed-Mortality family, these monstrosities are slowly but surely ripping apart the values and morals of Malton. In the past, harmen and zambah came together in beautiful union. Whether it was Standstock or feeding drag, our two people have always managed to put aside the petty things such as eaten brains and headshots for the greater good. This has become much less common as of late. In fact, just this morning as this reporter soundly slumbered, a gang of thugs made him a victim. I'm not alone in this, as zombah on harmen and harmen on zombah violence is ever increasing. However, this is just yet another symptom of the true problem.
How can we steer ourselves off of this collision course to sectarian animosity? It's easier said than done, but this Optimist believes it to not only be a viable solution, but someday a reality. We must cast these barricades back into the rubble from which they were created.
Harmenz must leave their dank, stagnant, unhygienic houses and meet us Zombies in the open. Only then can we truly enjoy the perks of both undeath and hopeless apocalypse. We must set aside our differences of diet and state of decomposition in exchange for lovely evenings at the local park and street performances at the nearest monument. How long have we all yearned for "Bring a Brazzah" day at the cinemas, or "Z!zzahz free before 12" at a club near you.
It can be a reality. We can make it happen, we just need to join together across the city, hand-in-claw. Only then will we be able to free ourselves of the bondage placed on us by Barricades.
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